Email Luke Essays Profiles Archives Search LF.net Luke Ford Profile Dennis Prager Nov 25 Kids Blow Up So Fast Now Every Jew, even David Poland, Can Reach The Level Of Tzaddik

Kim Masters: 'Who's Luke Ford?'

Entertainment journalist to author Kim Masters: "I was reading Luke Ford..."

Kim: "Who's Luke Ford?"

EJ: "He writes this website www.lukeford.net."

Kim: "How does he earn a living?"

Chaim Amalek writes Luke: "Even though I have ghost written much of the material on your web site (sorta - I am feeling charitable at the moment and do not want to call you a plagiarist), I just cannot make sense of your writing. You are decohering."

Charles Fleming Profile

Charles Fleming wrote for Newsweek, Variety, LA Weekly and the Los Angeles Herald Examiner. He published his first book in 1999 - "High Concept: Don Simpson and the Hollywood Culture of Excess." It's an amazing job considering that he had to battle the active opposition of producer Jerry Bruckheimer and other Hollywood players.

Fleming wrote a weekly internet column in 2000 for www.ifilm.com and mrshowbiz.com and did regular commentaries on Santa Monica public radio station KCRW.

David Poland writes 6/3/00: "So I'm listening to the radio on Thursday and there is Charles Fleming, who is now the twice-weekly columnist at Mr. Showbiz, doing his "Deadline Hollywood" report on local NPR outlet KCRW, a station I love. Fleming essentially transcribes his on-air piece as one of his weekly columns and then writes another. I don't bother reading them because they tend to be embarrassingly short sighted. However, as I'm sitting there listening to Fleming on the radio and hear him say, "I don't understand the box office," which I'm sure he meant facetiously, he then went on to explain why he doesn't understand it: it doesn't do what he wants it to do. This on-air piece suffered from one of the most prevalent occupational hazards of writing about Hollywood. You start to think that you and your colleagues and friends should set the mindset of the entire moviegoing world. Now, I certainly admit that I can be passionate about certain movies not living up to the excitement that people seem to feel about them. But I do try to listen to other points of view. And while they don't change my opinion, they do have meaning. And apparently, they have meaning to the Mr. Showbiz editors as well. When I went to go see this week's "Deadline Hollywood" in print to link to this button, I found that Fleming's most extreme comments seemed to go missing. Like the box office admission, facetious or not. I seem to remember a comment about Hollywood conning "us" every year. (Fleming uses "us" in this article as though he were like more than 3 percent of the population.) And he takes the easy way out, blaming teenage boys for movies he doesn't like doing well, adding his belief that they don't read criticism as part of their failing."

David Poland writes 6/26/00: "I wrote a vicious e-mail to Charles Fleming regarding a piece he did on the Ain't It Cool Gladiator screening in which I thought he had put me in a terrible situation by using a bit of info that was supposed to be private. That's one of the few e-mails I ever have regretted writing. I am still no fan of Charles' work nor do I expect him to ever see me without wanting to spit in my direction."

6/3/01 from www.factnet.org: "Among the big publicity firms, PMK is notorious for shunning anyone who crosses the line. Ask Cruise or Travolta about Scientology or homosexuality, or Arnold Schwarzenegger about his father's reported Nazi past, Calista Flockhart about anorexia, or almost anyone about stalkers, and the shutters come down. 'You might get Nicole Kidman to say Scientology arranged their marriage but you will never get another client,' said Charles Fleming, journalism professor at the University of California. 'The power of these unified publicity companies is so intense that editors have largely given up the job of controlling Hollywood content. They don't even ask the questions. Celebrity profiles should now come with a disclaimer: "In agreeing to do this interview, we agreed not to discuss homosexuality, Scientology or whatever".""

9/01 - Los Angeles magazine profile of Peter Bart:

When Charles Fleming, a former Variety reporter, writes an opinion piece in the Times about the ethical dilemmas of the Hollywood press corps, Bart sniffs, "This story epitomizes him. It's like a blur. A lot of undeveloped ideas."

[Veritas Jones' note: "Fleming writing about ethics is like George Will writing about egoism."]

In The Los Angeles Times Sunday Book Review, Peter Biskind writes about High Concept: "Fleming's tour of the Hollywood inferno is by no means without interest. He has found some gems that will be of great interest to Simpsonologists.... But at the end of the day, as they say in Hollywood, the refusal of the players to play hurts the book. Fleming has to rely too much on the preexisting Simpson literature, too much on laundry lists of barely relevant material documenting the "culture of excess" of the book's subtitle, and endless stories of Simpson's wayward peccadilloes.... Which is a shame, because Simpson's story has a dramatic breadth and complexity of an almost Shakespearean dimension."

Kirkus Reviews: "[Fleming] is not so much interested in Simpson the man (in fact, in strictly biographical terms, this book is a failure), but Simpson the poster boy for '80s excess. This leads to long, tell-tale digressions on Hollywood seaminess. This oft-told tale features the usual suspects (Heidi Fleiss, Charlie Sheen, Jack Nicholson), but Fleming does manage to dig up enough juicy, original tidbits to slake all but the most jaded prurient appetites. A tale full of sound and fury but signifying little beyond gossip."

Eric P. Nash writes in the New York Times Sunday Book Review: "...at times reads like a Jackie Collins novel with footnotes. No peccadillo is too trivial.... Despite the flat-footed narration, Simpson emerges as an irresistible character."

Dana Kennedy writes in Entertainment Weekly 4/17/98: "If you read just the first two chapters of Charles Fleming's devastating, depressing High Concept: Don Simpson and the Hollywood Culture of Excess, it might seem like a long, familiar magazine article.

"But High Concept goes deeper than any magazine expose ever did. Fleming lays bare not only Simpson's sordid life but also the tantrums, excesses, and demands of the executives, stars, madams, and hookers (including everyone from producer Tony Scott, Demi Moore, and Julia Roberts to Madam Alex and Heidi Fleiss) who were part of his world as he became an industry powerhouse in the '80s.

"According to Fleming's highly readable, thoroughly researched, and unflinching book..."

Brendon writes on Amazon.com: "[Fleming] needed a better editor -- there are a few typos and he repetitively describes the same people and incidents over and over."

Zachary writes on Amazon.com: "More salacious than the superb Easy Riders, Raging Bulls, the book is more a collection of outrageous antics than an attempt to reveal the underlying psychological reasons for the creation of this Frankenstein's monster. It is a hugely enjoyable read, partly because one is left aghast at what a full life Simpson actually managed to lead in which he transformed the American dream into a personal nightmare."

Rottenba writes on Amazon.com: "Fleming does little to illuminate the creative processes behind their films, though it's unclear whose fault that is - Fleming's for giving short shrift to a man with a shrewd sense of the American moviegoer, or Simpson who was both simply uncreative and lucky for a very long time. Instead, Fleming seems to want to skip what he must think is the stronger part of the story - the one about Don Simpson's late-night binges of rough sex and Ring-Dings.

"Fleming's book seems a failure because it follows the traditional Simpson/Bruckheimer model too closely - an unending stream of mindless pleasure without direction or substance - but not so close that it's anywhere near as poignant as "An Officer", as funny as "Cop" or as high powered as "Top Gun". "

Jeffrey Ellis writes on Amazon.com: "As a biography, the book is disappointing. It jumps around a bit too much over the course of its narrative, making it difficult to really build up any sort of cohesive picture of who Simpson was or why he became such a hated figure.

"However, the book does work on a more lurid level as a gossipy tour of Hollywood's drug-and-sex underground. If you're interested in finding out which stars partied with which drug dealers this is the book for you!"

Carolyn writes on Amazon.com: "The meat of the book is taken from sources already published elsewhere and with all the footnotes you start to get the feeling you're reading a school report. Fleming only gets direct quotes mostly from tier-two players, such as small-time actors and prostitutes that knew Simpson in one way or another."

Rudy writes: "Poorly written, very poorly edited, but well worth the information conveyed."

Peter Kahn writes: "Are you interested in knowing about the Industry, what high concept is and its effect on today's motion pictures? If so, don't buy this book. Author Charles Fleming is more interested in exposing Don Simpson as a lying, pill-popping, whore whipping, dictatorial ego-maniac than as the inventor of how modern Hollywood now creates product for your local multiplex. The book is entertaining in a very voyeuristic way. "Oooh, did he really do this?" "Ugh, what a scuzzball". But after a while it all becomes long and boring. While the underbelly of Hollywood isn't for the timid, Fleming seems to take great relish damming Simpson and all his kind to the hell that they have created. For my money, I would rather have learned more about the development of High Concept, how it was accepted and its current effects on how decisions are made and films produced. You'll find better writing in the National Enquirer or the Star than High Concept."

A reader from San Francisco writes on Amazon.com: "With little original research of any value at his disposal, Fleming leans heavily on other books and magazine articles. The book's most annoying feature is its mindless repetition. Quotes and anecdotes that appear in one chapter are re-introduced in another chapter (see Simpson's public humiliation of Craig Baumgarten in an 1985 Esquire article) or, worse, in the same chapter (see Fleming's "where are they now" summary of Bonnie Bradigan).

"What's worse than Fleming's shoddy writing (pick a tense, Mr. Fleming, any tense) is his utter lack of insight into Simpson's admittedly repellant character. The author is content to spread unsubstantiated rumors and dwell on the most minute detail of Simpson's bizarre sex life without even once delving into the psychological reasons/motivations for such repulsive behavior."

A reader from London, England writes on Amazon.com: "The word "genius" can have very little meaning indeed if it can be used repeatedly and with a straight face (as it is in this book) to describe a producer of insipid films, who coincidentally, was a man of matchless grossness. A squalid, depressing read which left me feeling soiled and tainted for days."

Scot writes on Amazon.com: "If you have a tolerance for wading through uninteresting, repetitive, and frequently off-topic text in search of interesting anecdotes and insight into the man who was D! on Simpson, then read this book."

A reader from Beverly Hills writes: "[Fleming] makes a point of trashing hoped-for sources who were uncooperative, claiming that Simpson would have hated them. But the truth is that Fleming is covering his heinie for the pathetic collection of interviewees he has assembled, a true Hollywood losers club of whores, dealers and low-level wannabe "players." And who CARES if the morally bankrupt, soulless Don Simpson would have hated those with the dignity to keep their mouths shut? Has Fleming lost his own bearings, too?"

A reader from California writes: "This is a book that needed to be written. Too bad it wasn't written right. It's so scatershot and poorly constructed/edited that just reading it can be a chore at times. One also wonders how much was researched and how much was just a collection of gossip. There are far better books out there about what's wrong with Hollywood---but maybe the question this book raises is What's wrong with book publishing? Once a respectable company like Doubleday wouldn't have been caught dead doing this."

Dominic Lawson, editor of the British magazine The Spectator, writes 11/19/94: "Charles Fleming of Newsweek, who wrote a report on this great outrage perpetrated by William Cash, told me that what had most galled Hollywood were Cash's remarks that the Jews are 'always compulsive story-tellers and talented negotiators, are extremely compatible with the executive side of the movie business.'"

Are There Any Entertainment Journalists Who Are Conservative?

Catherine Seipp. I suspect Charles Fleming is a neo-conservative. He has a refreshingly independent take on things. Compare his matter-of-fact handling of prostitution in Hollywood in his book on Don Simpson, High Concept, with the feminist cant Nancy Griffin and Kim Masters insert into their book on Sony, Hit and Run. Griffin and Masters write about power inequality and other feminist notions. Rachel Abramowitz, Nikki Finke and Anita Busch also can't resist sticking their feminism into their articles.

Luke Ford Impersonators Running Wild

I found some guy posting on a message board under my name.

Shambok writes: "I've visited your site and there is little current info on what is happening in Hollywood, only a lot postings of e-mail sent to you, often written by yourself under other names like Chaim, and parodies that are not the least bit humorous. Your writing goes from one paragraph to another with little or no transition between them, and is often slightly more coherent than that of the Unibomber. And let's not forget starting unsubstantiated rumors to get attention, while hurting people."

"Luke Ford" responds: "I don't give a hoot about being coherent. My readers see only one side of the email correspondence, which is fine by me. Often, these are part of a much lengthier exchange, but it serves me just fine, since the web postings are just notes for a future book, as far as I'm concerned. On the question of aliases, I'm sorry you find my site so confusing. Chaim/Shame is my homosexual alias, the part I can't fit into my Jewish identity as Luke, rumdar/gaydar is the original Chaim, and Emmett is out of the closet.

"Are you suggesting my Judaism is really just a front for my racism and homophobia? I have never denied that if it were not for Judaism, I would be KKK."

Sjambok responds: "This and the rest of your post is the typical incoherent rambling that one comes to expect from someone who gleefully posts details of a psychiatrists evaluation of his mental disorder on his website. I forget, was it hedonistic personality disorder or bi-polar depression that you were diagnosed as suffering from?"

"Luke Ford" responds: "Thanks for the questions. I really appreciate your asking them. I simply believe I am the best at what I do. If it amuses me, that is sufficient reason to do it. Good point. I am in it for money, sex and for personal gain, just like everyone else in this business. We'll have to get together for lunch the next time you're in L.A."

More News Of Struggle & Triumph

Jechu writes: Dear Friend Luke Ford!

Perhaps our last letter did not succede in conveying the warmth and esteem in which you are held by all fans or Korean Workers' cineman! Rest assured that it is only because of the hostility of the imperialists in Washington that this may be so. Perhaps the following will give you a better idea of who we are in advance of your visit to Pyongyang:

First, there is to soon be a singing contest in Korea

The 7th National Singing Contest of Working People will begin in one month to mark the 55th anniversary of the Worker's Party of Korea.

The national contest is to be held in Pyongyang in September with participation of winners in provincial contests, which will last for one month.

Songs to be presented in the contest will represent the requirements of the times and sentiments of the Korean people.

All the participants are required to play at last one of musical instrument in the national contest which will involve preliminary, semi-final and final competition.

Prizes of different kinds will be awarded to contest winners. The multi-farious singing contest has been held since in Juche 75 (1986).

Participating in the contest were workers, peasants, office workers, students, families and housewives. They presented songs lauding the party and the leader, revolutionary songs, wartime songs, and songs on labour and thoughts and sentiments of working people.

The singing contest took place even in the period of the "arduous march" and the forced march. As an esteemed guest, we would be honored by your presence as a judge of the event.

In further artistic news, an epic is to be dedicated to young builders of Pyongyang-Nampho Motorway Rodong Sinmun yesterday carried an epic titled "Fatherland, boast of youth" dedicated to the young builders of Pyongyang-Nampho Motorway. Recalling the brilliant feats performed by youth in the construction of the motorway, the epic wrote that the fatherland and the people will boast of their feats. The fatherland and the people will not forget the immortal exploits of the great leader Kim Jong Il who trained youth to be heroes and heroines and revolutionaries of the times with his warm love and trust in the idea of attaching great importance to youth along with the great army-first idea, the epic said, and continued:

The motorway is not an ordinary road but a long road built by five million youth with trust and obligation, always longing for their leader. The 42.216-km-long road will be covered by the respected Kim Jong Il and youth, linking heart to heart, generation after generation. The five million youth will become heroes and heroines in the building of a powerful nation, following and upholding Kim Jong Il in the same spirit and stamina that they have displayed in building the Pyongyang-Nampho Motorway.

Mr. Ford, we look forward to the day that you are driven along this highway to join with the Korean People in celebrating the role of cinema in National Construction!

Rumdar: Luke, It looks like you are a big hit in The People's Republic of Korea (North). I would not let this opportunity slip away. May I suggest a book tour of that somewhat isolated country? Just think of all the Asian literary groupies who will be waiting to hear you deliver your anti-porn lectures. Beautiful, thin tenderonies because from all accounts the vast majority of North Koreans are starving. Bring plenty of protein bars to pass out to your fans. And call me if you need a road manager.

Luke Talks About Love With Kendra Jade and Nice Jewish Girl

From late July, 2000:

Kendra Jade writes: I am in chicago, at the admiral theater until sunday.. how as your trip?? how is this wonderful girl you met? where is she? do you still talk to her? are you in love?

Luke: The trip was great. The girl is wonderful. Yes I talk to her. Yes I am in love.

Kendra: awwww lukey....thats great. congrats!!! just remember to treat her nice, lukey. you dont seem to be good at that.you are quite selfish at times.

At 2:30AM Thursday, I talked by phone with Kendra Jade and my San Francisco friend Nice Jewish Girl.

Kendra Jade: What are you doing?

Luke: Thinking about you.

KJ: Liar. I've had enough liars tonight. Why are you up so late Lukey?

Luke: I was in bed but I got an idea to write on my website. And I wanted to see if my sweetie had written me, and she had.

NJG: What did she say to you?

Luke: Would I share personal correspondence?

NJG: Yeah, right. But you're really going to go see her, aren't you? When?

Luke: Soon.

KJ: Are you in love?

Luke: Totally.

KJ: Did you say I love you?

Luke: Not specifically.

NJG: Did you do her?

Luke: Ahhh......

KJ: He did.

NJG: Whoah. He actually loves somebody he did. This is major. That's never happened before.

KJ: That's awesome. Lukey, I'm so happy for you. Just be nice to her and treat her good.

Luke: I will.

KJ: Don't be a dick.

Luke: I won't.

KJ: He's like a changed man.

NJG: He's nice. How strange.

Luke: I've been transformed by the power of love.

KJ: Luke, did you hear anything about somebody being shot after the Jerry Springer Show today?

Luke: No.

NJG: Yeah. These people were on the show a while ago. This woman was stalking her ex-husband..and shot his ex-wife...

Luke: I hope nobody ever does that from my site.

KJ: They probably will. You'd love it.

Luke: I won't.

KJ: Yes you would. You'd write about it for months.

Luke: You think I would crave the publicity that would come from...

KJ: Absolutely...

Luke: Innocent people getting hurt because of some controversy I created.

KJ: Absofuckinglutely.

Luke: You think I would welcome the publicity and attention and tens of thousands of hits and the dynamic story...if an innocent person suffered?

KJ: Yep. That's what I think. Tell me I am wrong?

Luke: You're wrong.

KJ: Swear it on your love for this new chick.

Luke: I swear it on my love for this new chick. I would not want to profit from somebody getting shot.

NJG: Send us a real picture of what she looks like.

KJ: I want to see the girl who makes Luke's heart go thumpety thump.

NJG: Kendra and I love love.

Luke: So do I.

NJG: We just don't trust men but we love love.

Luke: Men are a handful. I know as a gay man.

KJ: I like men.

Luke: So do I. Mykonos, what an island?

NJG: What happened? All we know is that you were not online for five days.

KJ: He's a changed person.

Luke: I no longer want to write about porn, I only want to write about love. The whole tenor of my site is going to change.

N JG: Cool. I'm all for that.

KJ: I look forward to it.

Luke: No longer am I going to profit off the misery of other people.

NJG: He's using these lines.

KJ: They sound so scripted. They sound like he's reading them from a piece of paper.

Luke: I understand why you guys react this way because there have been so many times in the past that I've been insensitive when you've been in pain. So I don't judge you for reacting so cynically. But I want you to know that there's going to be a new spirit to LukeFord.net.

NJG: We're going to give you a chance. We're trying to hold ourselves in from our normal cynicism. We're acting really positive right now, aren't we Kendra? We're actually thinking way more cynicism but we're just holding ourselves back. We're not telling you what we really think. We're not betting behind your back about how long this thing is going to last. We wouldn't do that.

Kendra: I have a feeling NJG that you're going to owe me $50.

NJG: We won't tell you that this thing between you and her has a life of three months. We won't say anything negative like that.

Kendra: Absolutely not. We have faith that it is going to last. Lukey, did you write back to her?

Luke: Not yet, because I wrote her twice today and I did not hear from her until now.

NJG: See, he's a guy. He's holding back.

Luke: I've been pursuing...

Kendra: Don't be too nice. If you're too nice, they think you're a sucker.

Luke: Yeah, chicks get bored with you if you're too nice.

NJG: No. Really nice is good.

Luke: I've been really nice my whole life and chicks have just walked all over me and trifled with my feelings.

NJG: You've never been really nice, Luke. We've read that biography.

Kendra: Where are the nice guys? Can I have one please?

NJG: I thought mine was going to be a nice guy, remember Kendra?

Kendra: Lukey, we've been concerned for your life and asking you questions and you have not even once asked, Kendra, NJG, how is everything going with you? I care about what is going on inside your hearts right now. Are you guys ok?

Luke: Yeah, I'm good, really good.

KJ: You fucker.

Luke: Kendra, NJG, how are you guys doing?

NJG: We're good.

Luke: Good, then let's get back to me then.

KJ: That's the Lukey I know.

NJG: The one where you've got to force him to care? That one?

KJ: Yeah, that one. And Kelly [Jade] says go fuck yourself Luke because you did not even talk to her.

Luke: When did I have the opportunity to?

KJ: You ignore her emails and IMs.

NJG: He ignores everyone's Instant Messages

KJ: And then all you get out of him is a hey. Luke, who's on your [AOL] buddy list?

Luke: Noone.

KJ: Because you don't have any buddies.

Luke: I don't have time or inclination to chat online, particulary when I am overseas and am paying about $30 an hour to connect to the internet.

KJ: Whatever... NJG's my buddy. I just called her for 45 minutes on my cell phone. How much do you think that cost me? That's no excuse Lukey. If someone is your friend...

Luke: Kendra, I chatted with you in Israel.

KJ: Once.

Luke: That was the only time you IM'd me.

KJ: No, it was the only time we were talking about you. He'll write, hi kendra, how are you, and I'll write fine, and then the conversation is done because it is about me. But if we're talking about Lukey and I'm asking Lukey questions, then he's got tons to say.

Luke: Hmmm, Mmmm, more attention for me. When I was walking around Mykonos, I took a tape recorder and started making a tape for PJG. But first I listened to the tape and it was of conversation between the three of us just before I went to Australia. So I did not erase it. I walked around the island of Mykonos listening to Kendra tell me that I am no more screwed up in the head than the average person. I carried you guys in my heart and in my ears and in my tape recorder as I walked, clambered over rocks and stared deeply into the ocean and looked around the incredible scenery.

NJG: The incredible gay scenery. That's why he loved the island so much.

Luke: I want to move to Jerusalem.

KJ: You're not going to move there. You can't afford it. You can't even afford to get to San Francisco. He asked how to get their cheap. Lukey, how pathetic is that?

NJG: Kendra, did you read where Luke said that he spent the time on his vacation emailing me and Lynne and Curious and Chaim. And I was like, I don't know about them. Maybe he's emailing them. I don't know anything about any emails to me...

Luke: I meant I took the time to read the emails from my friends like Chaim and Rumdar and Curious and Putative who wrote to me... You guys didn't email me.

Kendra: Chaim said that they should have Elizabeth Hurley play me in Luke's movie. I think that's great because I think she's really hot though I was thinking more along the lines of Angelina Jolie or Gina Gershon.

NJG: Fine, you take Angelina Jolie and I'll have Courtney Love on drugs play me.

KJ: Kelly says that Julia Roberts has to play her.

NJG: Who gets to play Luke? Russell Crowe?

KJ: Russell Crowe is too hot to play Luke.

KJ: How about Adam Sandler?

NJG: He's hot. He's even hotter than Russell Crowe.

KJ: But he's such a little boy. Who else could play Luke?

Luke: Brad Pitt.

KJ: Look at the picture on his site...

Luke: I look like a mixture of Brad Pitt and Robert Redford.

NJG: Not at all.

KJ: No, no, in real life Lukey has grey hair and needs a hair cut badly and he doesn't dress nicely...

NJG: He is really skanky, people don't want to get near on sets... He doesn't shower.

Luke: I shower, don't I?

KJ: Kelly says Alfred E. Neumann, who founded Mad Magazine.

Luke: How about Robert Redford?

NJG: Yeah, Robert Redford now. Have you seen him? His face has fallen and his big old wart looks bigger than ever.

KJ: Richard Gere.

Luke: When are you guys going to visit Israel?

KJ: When you pay for it.

NJG: Has PJG seen your site? If she's online and she hasn't looked you up, she don't like you.

Luke: I've forgotten to mention to her my site.

KJ: How do you forget? Didn't she ask you what you do?

Luke: I write on entertainment. I'm worried, if she hasn't looked me up online it is not a good sign. It means that she doesn't care.

Kendra: No, not necessarily.

NJG: I don't think you're as much of a stalker chick as I am. I am. And proud of it.

Luke: NJG, I can stay with you when I need to spend the weekend in San Francisco, so I can do it on the cheap?

NJG: What if my boyfriend doesn't like it?

Luke: Then I'll stay in my van and I'll stop by to take showers and use the restroom.

NJG: You'll have to clean it. It is in really bad condition right now.

Luke: I don't care. I'm a guy.

NJG: You don't care. I've seen your house.

Luke: Enough about me, how are you guys?

KJ: Great. It is five o'clock in the morning and I have to go to work in four hours.

Luke: You start stripping at nine?

KJ: No, I have to get up at nine so I am ready by twelve.

Luke: So what is it like at the Admiral Theatre?

KJ: Very strict. A lot of rules.

Luke: You can't turn tricks?

Kendra: I don't do that, Lukey. You can't dress as a schoolgirl. It's against the law. They wouldn't let me do Little Red Riding Hood today.

Luke: What are your routines?

Kendra: I have about 30 different shows. I do dominatrix with hot wax, Wonder Woman, Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, an angel, and USA and all kinds of things. A maid.

Luke: NJG, have you seen her show? I haven't.

NJG: No, because she doesn't come to San Francisco.

KJ: I'm going to come over and do a show just for her. NJG are going to do nasty things and stuff because men suck.

NJG: We'll do a routine where we're reading Valerie Sallona on stage. She wrote the Scum Manifesto.

Luke: I've never read it.

NJG: I sent it to him and he printed it on his site. He doesn't remember.

Luke: I try to ignore that sort of lowlife material.

NJG: Yeah, he only prints it.

KJ: NJG, guess who's online now?

NJG: Oh really. Hmmm.

KJ: Lukey, if you only knew about my life right now but I can't tell you. Because you can't keep a secret.

Luke: I can't help it. I'm the queen of dish.

KJ: Wouldn't he just want to come over all the dirty gossip I have?

NJG: He would.

Luke: Are you pursuing more celebrities Kendra?

Kendra: Me? No.

NJG: She doesn't pursue.

Luke: Are more celebrities pursuing you, Kendra?

The girls laugh.

NJG: She's single, just like me.

Luke: Well, I think I'm headed towards a committed monogamous relationship leading towards marriage and children.

NJG: Yeah right. Oh shoot. Kendra, you heard me say something cynical. Wash my mouth out with soap.

KJ: For every cynical thing, I collect a dollar.

Luke: My love will be vindicated by time.

Kendra: But if it is over within three months, you have to pay us each $100. Within one month, $500.

Luke: What is the definition of over?

NJG: It could go on longer than usual because she doesn't live in his city. So Luke, you've already done her, huh?

Luke: I am a gentleman and I don't kiss and tell.

NJG: But your site does.

Luke: I will not traffic and profit off of my personal relationships to provide material for my website.

NJG: Can you believe that he said to her that whenever he sees a nude sunbather, he thinks of her. That's embarrassing.

Luke: So how do you think I should court this girl, aside from on the cheap?

KJ: Are you going to take advice from us, two people who've had no success in their love life?

NJG: Do you know how much restaurants are here? For two people, dinner will run $80.

Luke: What about Taco Bell?

NJG: Eating in SF is incredibly expensive and if you don't pursue her by taking her out to eat, it is not going to be good. The SF way of courting is to go out to dinner. And you have to have reservations. Or have her do it. Everywhere is crowded.

And you better tip better than 10% or she will think it is really low class of you. And take cabs because she won't want to go in your van. Do you know how to flag a taxi?

Luke: What's the status on guns in SF?

NJG: We don't have any gun shops and anyone who owns a gun is looked down upon. If you shoot someone who's robbing you, you're going to go to jail forever and they're going to get off and sue you.

Luke: I would shoot anyone who tried to rob me. So, what else have you guys been doing. It's been a month since we've talked. So long.

NJG laughs. Now he's trying to sound Jewish. He sleeps with a Jewish girl and he's got the Jewish thing by osmosis. He pretends to care more.

DoneDone: that chat with KJ and NJG is good
DoneDone: but dude, you cant really turn the site into love
DoneDone: although that will be hot when she dumps you, then you will reach an alltime high of vengeance!!!

Jewsinkilts writes: Luke, what do you mean your changing the sites focus? Havent you ever heard the first rule of creative writing? WRITE ABOUT WHAT YOU KNOW! OK assuming that you turned LFords into a "love fest", following the golden writers rule, what are you going to do for amterial after the first paragraph? (Dont count on the *princess* for inspiration, she's about as clueless as you are on the subject) Write about what you know, the world needs another lovesick artist hemmoraghing in public like it needs a more tasteless tampon commercial.

Michael writes: Dear Kendra, NJG, and the rest. Got this directly from PJG's sent mail folder, while hacking around.

"Well, the suspense is over. The first time the conversation looked like it was even thinking of heading in a direction which might possibly, point towards anything even remotely Internet related Luke ran like an unmasked clan member at an NAACP rally. They're still cleaning up bits of smoldering shoe leather from the street outside. sheesh.Couldnt get too mad though 'cause he's so damn cute. Almost fainted at the airport when I saw him.*sigh* Well he'd better get his cojones together soon..."

Dennis Prager Gives Thumbs Up To My Big Fat Greek Wedding

Dennis loved My Big Fat Greek Wedding, the most wholesome movie out of Hollywood this year and the highest grossing independent film of all time.

A friend of DP's saw the film in New York in a theater filled with Orthodox Jews. And the Ortho Jews loved it.

The movie could've been My Big Fat Jewish Wedding or My Big Fat Italian Wedding or any immigrant group. The movie celebrates America.

Professor Alan Estrin at the American Film Institute writes: The message of the movie is that the woman has to make herself over to attract the man. When she puts in contacts and puts on make-up, she makes herself over.

There are no feminists in this movie. The protagonist's Greek heritage innoculated her against the brand of feminism that says a guy should just be attracted to my inner beauty, how I look on the outside does not matter.

How many women have condemned themselves to loneliness because they bought the line that it didn't matter what they looked like.

Female caller: She attracted the guy, not from the make-over, but from feeling good about herself.

DP: She got happy when she attracted the guy.

Caller: Not because she got the guy, but because she felt good about her life and becoming who she was.

DP: A reason the movie was so successful was that it was so true. Do women get breast implants to impress other women?

The death of skirts (replaced by pants) is one of the tragedies of the modern age.

Rick249 writes on Imdb.com: Nia Vardalos tour de force, more about courtship with My Non-Greek Boyfriend than a wedding per se. Vardalos plays frumpy Greek who meets the love of her life and turns things around (or vice versa) despite expected family complications. Very cute love story, all done before in one way or another with some ethnic group but pleasant nonetheless. Nia's delayed, cross-eyed responses (and often non-responses) to boyfriend, particularly early on, are effective and very endearing. Similar in concept but not sombre tone to early Hanks "Each Time We Say Goodye".

Mark writes: "From the feminists who think that it's an absolute crime to make a film where the woman isn't truly happy until she meets "Mr. Right" to those of Greek heritage who somehow feel insulted, some people just can't lighten up and have a good laugh."

No Fear Of God In Hollywood

I had a late lunch Sunday at Birds on Franklin Blvd, just west of Bronson. The last time I remember seeing my wallet was when I pulled it out there to leave a $2 tip.

Monday I called the restaurant but they hadn't seen it. Nobody's contacted me. In Judaism there's a law to return borrowed property. Unfortunately, whoever might've found my wallet did not fear God. And I'm out over $200 and all my ID, my Driver's License, credit cards, ATM card, et al...

David Poland's Ready To Forgive And Forget

On Hot Button, David gives thanks: "To a few morons in Miami, who proved to me that they are more interested in their own egomania than in the growth of an independent film movement in Miami. Sadly, the citizens of the city are more prepared to grow than their leaders are."

Wall Falls, Luke Climbs Out Of Closet

I've decided to come out as a homosexual and I wonder if that bothers you? Email Luke

"So you have decided to go gay on us," writes Chaim Amalek. "Well, I will believe it when third parties confirm this with direct observation, but until then, consider the pros and cons of this con:


1. That Hustler guy will probably conclude that you are not worth beating up.

2. Lots of chicks will try to convert you to the other side. Might even help erase the taint of being in porn.

3. Now those who criticize you are doubly bigoted for doing so.

4. You can forget about trying to join the Jewish mafia, which does not want you, and join the far more secretive and influential lavender mafia.

5. Your parents will stop bugging you to settle down.


1. That Hustler guy will not beat you up, hence no juicy lawsuit against Larry Flynt.

2. Lots of guys out there will want to be the first.

3. You get the shit kicked out of you for being a goddamned queer.

4. God really hates homosexuality - it is written in the bible!

5. Gives satisfaction to your homophobic enemies.

6. Wouldn't you really rather have a nice warm vagina pressed against you at night than some guy's rectum?

7. Lots of chicks will lose interest in you (but CERTAINLY NOT NJG).

8. All sorts of diseases.

9. Might have to reorient your website; might experience substantial loss of revenue (fewer gays than heteros).

10. Religious parents will disown you.

Well, seems like the cons have it. I applaud you for taking a poll to determine what your public sexual orientation should be. If more people did this, there would be less homophobia in the world.

PS Is this related to the fact that thirteen years ago, the Berlin Wall fell?

Professor Morris writes: "It only bothers me because your actions do not indicate that you are a homosexual. Rather, you may possibly be bisexual. It seems that most people even peripherally involved in Hollywood become omnisexual, and you perhaps fit that bill."

Steve Neece writes: "Congratulations for showing the courage and good taste to out yourself. You could not have picked a more distinguished group than Gay Jewish Males. If Jews in general have contributed disproportionately to the enrichment of humankind, GJM's have contributed even more so in proportion to their numbers. You are now a member of the creme de la creme, the most distinguished club in the history of the human species. BE PROUD!"

Rumdar writes: "Luke....This is somewhat of a shocker but not unexpected. First of all you look rather effeminate. Secondly you are obviously an extremely sensitive guy. So why not be a homo? What I am wondering is how this will affect your relationships with N.J.G and Kendra Jade. Any predictions?"

Vivid girl Jenteal writes Luke: "Are you really "coming out" or is that just another spoof on your site? If it is true, more power to you! I don't know why you would choose not to be open about that to begin with. Most of the people who read your site are involved in the business in some way or another. If they aren't, they either want to be or are fans of it. I would think these people would be sexually open, therefore accepting. Then again, maybe not if you consider the SkidMark types who read your site. If it is a spoof, it is a good one. All you have to do to get some guy off your back who you have poked fun or insulted is ask them on a date."

Concerned writes: "Luke: Before you run off and spend $400 on Streisand New Year's Eve tickets I beg you to stop and consider the following: Just because the world's biggest slut, Kendra Jade, refuses to have sex with you does not mean you should give up on all women. I really feel that you have been confused by all the recent gay emphasis on your site...Turn back, Luke! Turn back!"

Robert: "Again, I find it totally confusing to think anyone ever thought that you were ANYTHING BUT GAY. I mean look at those pictures of you on your website. The one with your pen and book in your hands... really! It was funny cause everday when I read you I wanted to email you about how gay those pictures looked! I mean if your recent tips on spotting superstars who are gay...you gottem(minus the super status). I mean when you changed the pictures on your site to you..my first thought was ....GAY....second was ..HE ASPIRES TO BE AN ACTOR..and we know THEY are ALL GAY. So ..I appreciate my vindication by your outing cause I thought I was getting homophobic!"

Porn star Cindy Plenum writes: "Dear Luke: Thank you so much for that very informative and empathetic profile of me that you posted on your web site. You really captured who I am, better than I could have myself. I have been through some very trying times (as you know), and am happy to see that some people care. (And yes, the new classes of psychotropic drugs that I have been prescribed by my physician really seem to help.)

"Empathy is, as it must be, a two-way street. It is no surprise to me to learn that you are gay; there have been rumors to that effect among the "AU-Kiwii" crowd (an informal, gay sons of the southern cross group) for some months now. And that drag outfit you wore to fool people fooled no one. No matter. You are still the Luke you were, and even if the worst comes to pass and you are rejected by everyone else, Cindy Plenum will always count you and be countable by you as a friend.

"One of your contributors recently wrote that people unfairly judged others by what they do with their lives, even if that is not them. How true! Whenever people find out about those videos I made with mosquitos, they tend to freak out and view me as some sort of slut. In fact, I am quite chaste, and limit my polymorphous bisexual conduct to sex with insects, not people. Yes, I take my lovers from the herd of microlivestock that I keep in an old spare tire out back in which the water always seems to pool, but that does not define who I am. Who am I? I am me, Cindy Plenum. Best wishes to you on your new life, and don't pay any attention to what other people have to say."

Steve Neece writes: "Looks like you have a lot of support in your coming out. Looks like you have more friends than you thought. They may be better friends to you than you were to them. Think you can change that?"

Bernard writes Luke: "What are you saying? Where you write: "I've decided to come out as a homosexual..."

If Bill Clinton was asked to analyse this statement he'd say the most important phrase is as a homosexual . With particular emphasis on AS. As he recalls his famous declaration: "It depends on what the meaning of is is."

The dictionary meanings of AS:

1. in the way or manner that
2. as it were : as if it were so : in a manner of speaking
3. in or to the same degree in which -- usually used as a correlative after an adjective or adverb modified by adverbial as or so

So you haven't told us that you ARE a homosexual, just that you're 'coming out AS a homo'.

It's sometimes hard to tell what's your writing and when you're quoting someone else. Why not use a different font, color, attribute or background to distinguish different sources?

Louis writes Luke: Hey, congrats on coming out of the closet! Hold your head up high, man, and be true to yourself. I LOVE your site, I really do believe what I've previously written, and I admire you for your fearlessness and your pursuit of the "great answers" to the enigma of the human race. It's a hellish journey I can see from what it's doing to you, but you're getting there. It's better then closing your eyes and ears altogether.

Chaim Amalek writes: Statistically speaking, are not disproportionately many serial killers gay? There seems to be a meaningful positive correlation between the two, as well as ownership of a van. (In other words, if you are a serial killer, then you are more likely to be gay than if you are not a serial killer, and if you are gay and a serial killer, then you are more likely to own a van than you otherwise would be.)

By the way, there is a very interesting hypothesis making the rounds among sociobiologists that homosexuality is caused by a germ of some sort. (I wish I could recall the name of the scientist who came up with this; he is not viewed as a mere crank. I think Fortune magazine had a big write-up on this recently.) The argument is that because homosexuality exacts a very severe a fitness penalty on the individual (i.e., much less chance of reproduction and passing on one's genes), it could not be due to genes, for any such genes would have been bred out of the human population many many generations ago.

So let us speculate. Assume that there is such a germ, and that it does its damage on minors (it is very rare for people to switch sides as adults), and that it can be spread venereally. We would then expect those who began having sex with the carriers of such germs (typically adults, and especially gay adults) at an early age to have had more exposure to this pathogen than would be the case for those who waited until later, and, if the hypothesis is true, that those so exposed would be more likely to end up gay.

You have a data base of people who I suspect were disproportionately sexually active at a young age. Are these people also disproportionately gay? Might I further suggest that at your next sabbath kiddush you stand up and, as everyone is hugging everyone else, ask them to tell you how old they were when they began having sex and whether or not they are gay? Tell them the information is needed in the interest of science.

Bob Modemac writes: Stars and famous personas in *any* medium suffer from this perception; it's something hardly unique to porn stars. People know very little about the true personalities of the actors and actresses, and they tend to assume that their off-screen lives are similar to what we see on the screen.

Sounds ridiculous? Here are a few examples:

A couple of years ago, a movie called "The Birdcage" (a remake of "La Cage Aux Folles") had a character who played a flaming drag queen, complete with stereotypical limp-wristed walk and everything. (Please save any commentary on this character for another thread.) After the release (and brief box-office success) of the movie, actor playing this character was subsequently harassed in public and subjected to numerous homophobic and anti-gay slurs and insults, even though he is not gay himself. He was only playing a character, but people assumed his real-life persona was similar or identical to his on-screen character.

Back in the days of silent films, one of the most popular actresses in the world was Mary Pickford, whose portrayal of beautiful, sweet, innocent damsels in distress earned her the nickname "America's Sweetheart." In reality she was intelligent, calculating, and often quite shrewd and ruthless with her dealings in Hollywood politics. (She was one of the co-founders of United Artists.) But many people simply refused to believe that Mary Pickford could be anything other than the sweet, darling, innocent face they saw on the silver screen.

A case made national news (briefly) when a guy wearing a "Barney the Dinosaur" costume in public was beaten up by a trio of Barney-hating guys. The actor who played Gomer Pyle (damn, I can't remember his name!) had a long and successful stage career, singing in a tremendous voice and starring in "Man Of La Mancha." But few people would believe this, because they only know him as the idiotic Gomer from the TV show.

Julie Andrews married Blake Edwards, director of the "Pink Panther" films and such notable movies as "10" and "Victor/Victoria." But despite the fact that she starred in "Victor/Victoria" and another of Edwards' movies in which she appeared topless, and even despite the fact that she is infact a very earthy woman who enjoys talking lewd and crewd, she will probably never shed herself of the "sweet and innocent" image she was typecast in after she starred in "Mary Poppins" and "The Sound of Music."

Asia Carrera runs a popular Web site at http://www.asia.carrera.com (as you probably know), and when she first began taking part in online conversations, her fans were downright *shocked* to realize that she has a real personality besides that of the orgasmatronic sex machine she plays in her films! But after a while, people did indeed wake up and realize she is a living breathing person, and not merely a naked cartoon character (and a good-looking one, at that) who exists merely to give orgasms. And there are many, many other similar occurences of this sort.

Geo writes: Birdcage man was Hank Azaria, who you might remember from Godzilla as the nervously laughing cameraman. He's been on Friends and many other places. He's also one of the Simpsons. He got back at the gay bashers. He married Helen Hunt. Mary Pickford was rumored to be gay. Gomer Pyle = Jim Nabors, who gay, and unbelievably rich. Julie Andrews, while not gay, made SOB to poke fun of her Mary Poppins image. Now what exactly was his point? These were all normal people whose public image was affected by their performances? Doesn't seem like he quite established that with his examples.

Khunrum writes: Luke, Coming out (again) as a faggot is a very brave statement you swisher you. Question. Now that you are officially gay will you be redecorating The Hovel? Will David Poland be going with you to pick out those new lavender lace curtains?

Little did we know that Jewish (female) virginity was always safe with Luke around.

Things guys will not be doing with Luke anymore:

Following him down a dark ally when he says "Hey, we can pee over here?=."

Matt Welch Predicts Two New Newspaper In LA By 2003

MattWelch.com writes: There will be at least two new newspapers in Los Angeles next year. One centrist weekly, to take advantage of the Department of Justice “remedy” to the Village Voice/New Times deal, and one free tabloid daily, probably Monday-to-Friday, launched by whoever has the stones to get there first. Should be an interesting year.

A Day In The Life Of A Script Reader

Why is the best and funniest writing about Hollywood cynical and depressing? This column reminds me of the books by producer Art Linson.

David Poland writes: The easy answer is that humor always comes from pain, but....

Anthony Pellicano's Israeli Client Accused Of Murder

From Friday's LA Times story: "In addition to carrying out the threat against Busch, Proctor allegedly told the FBI informant during one taped conversation that Pellicano had "other jobs" for him. Proctor allegedly said Pellicano was waiting for his clients to pay him the money up front before he would hire Proctor. One job, Proctor said, involved sneaking an Israeli national suspected of murder out of the United States and back to Israel, according to the affidavit. That job, Proctor said, was worth $100,000."

Could Boston's Daniel Mason be the Israeli? I believe Alexander Proctor has ties to Boston.

Farah Stockman, Boston Globe Staff, writes: 3/8/2001 He was just a few months away from being a doctor. But the Boston University medical student bragged about being trained as an assassin by the Israeli military, and on Friday morning crept into an apartment and methodically shot two men in their sleep, prosecutors said yesterday.

Still wearing green hospital scrubs and shielding his face from television cameras with a white lab coat, Daniel Mason, 35, pleaded not guilty yesterday in West Roxbury District Court to charges he murdered Michael Lenz, 25, and severely wounded Gene Yazgur, 28...

LA Times Profiles Anthony Pellicano

It's ironic that a reporter (Anita Busch) from the Los Angeles Times was threatened over her investigation of actor Steven Seagal when the LA Times is so dull and boring with its entertainment coverage. Monday's profile of Anthony Pellicano no exception. Nothing new here.

The Times' previous profiles of Seagal and Julius Nasso were similarly uninspired.

I understand that the definitive work on Pellicano was done by John Connolly in a piece for Buzz magazine around 1996.

Jose Lambiet in the latest issue of the weekly tabloid The Star (12/3/02) has an interesting article on Steven Seagal and Julius Nasso. You won't read a lot about Seagal in the tabloids because Seagal is now regarded as a has-been.

There's a great photo of Nasso and Seagal before Nasoo bought Seagal a bunch of plastic surgery. Nasso sits in the picture with his shirt open, a hairy chest and a gold medallion hanging out. Every mobster's stereotype is in this picture.

Without plastic surgery, you could not have put Seagal on the screen. His chin was too big and his face was rough. He'd lost almost his hair before his first movie, so he needed hair transplants. He definitely had a nose job. There's also a rumor that Nasso paid for Seagal's acting lessons.

According to the 12/3/02 Star tabloid: "Famed Miami plastic surgeon Brad Herman, who has not treated Seagal, looked at the shots [printed in the Star] and confirmed: "Steven obviously had rhinoplasty surgery (a fancy term for "nose job"), a hair transplant and maybe some chin work."

"Spies in Nasso's entourage say he's the one who paid for the surgeries in 1987 to help make Seagal's face passable for moviegoers! "Nasso claims he spent at least $50,000," a source says. "And now Seagal repays him by siccing the feds at him."

With the C-4 explosives he was caught with, Pellicano is looking at up to 20 years in jail. He's finished as a PI. What was he doing with the dynamite?

According to the snitch who got Alexander Proctor (who carried out the threat on Busch) on tape, Proctor was told by Pellicano to blow up Anita Busch's car. When Proctor scoped out Busch's car, he worried that a neighbor could see anyone working over Busch's car.

Anthony Pellicano was once hired by The National Enquirer when investigative journalist Rod Lurie was working on a story for Los Angeles magazine about how the Enquirer does business. So don't expect much coverage of Pellicano by the tabloids.

Pellicano knows all these dirty lawyers. They all work together.

Crusading Against Sex Trafficking Over Lunch With David Hoffman

A Torah Jew arises early in the morning so that he can gather with his fellow Torah Jews of the male persuasion and praise the L-rd.

I was up at 6:30AM Sunday and at my computer preaching righteousness.

As for the slumbering goyim, lost in a moral torpor, they typically do not arise until late in the morning. Many of them are hung over from their meaningless partying the night before. Torah-less Jews act just like the goyim.

At 7:40AM, I packed my dirty laundry in a cardboard box and walked out to my car. Since I melted my ignition system two hours drive into Oregon last September, it's usually taken me about five turns of the ignition to finally fire up my beast. This morning was no exception, except by the sixth time, the battery didn't have any juice left. What's a Torah Jew to do?

I returned inside, worked on my computer fighting against Reform Judaism and the idolatries of the goyim, before trying my car again at 8:20AM. No luck.

I gathered my dirty laundry in a Rite-Aid trash bag and walked a humiliating five blocks to the coin-operated public laundry. I hope nobody saw me and thought I was a car-less Jew. I felt humiliated. I felt like a poor black man in South Africa.

Between loads, I returned home and emailed David Poland, a secular Jew who writes www.thehotbutton.com to see if I could come over to his place to watch the football. He said yes after he cleaned out his apartment of the super cool people (so I wouldn't embarrass him).

At 9:45AM, I try my car again. No luck. I'm tired and exhausted. I'm cranky. I'm spiritually out of whack because I have not made it in time to put on my tefillin for two days in a row. (Friday I was pre-occupied pointing out to everyone on my email list that I had the Steven Seagal - Anthony Pellicano story on lukeford.net ten days before the LA Times story.)

I have a headache. I collapse in my chair and draw comfort from a few minutes watching the dumb goyim slam into each other in the Miami vs San Diego game. I fold my washing and put it away.

I slip the third tape of David McCullough's biography of John Adams in my Walkman and walk to Kragens Auto Parts to buy a new battery. It's heavy. It takes twice as long to walk back lugging the battery on alternate hands, switching every 40-50 yards. This will be the first time I've tried to install my own battery.

I find I don't have any wrenches, except in my back from lugging the battery. I walk back to Kragens and buy some. It's now 11:30AM.

I lift the hood and try to loosen the bolts holding in my bad battery. I cut up my hands. I cover them in grease and rub the grease into the cuts. I rub it all on my shirt.

I start spraying 409 All Purpose Cleaner on the difficult bolts. I finally remove the old battery at 1:30PM. I install the new one in 15 minutes. I email David my apologies for not being able to grace him with my "Go Cowboys!" presence today. And I'm on my way to meet David Hoffman at Birds restaurant on Franklin, just west of Bronson in downtown Hollywood.

I arrive at 2:15PM. No David in sight. I'm annoyed. The restaurant is full of hot looking chicks but I'm tired, annoyed, and dirty. I leave a message on David's machine. I call back twice. No answer. I'm annoyed. It's 2:25PM.

I'm about to leave. I see a skinny guy with a triangular head wearing a leather jacket and cowboy boots. It's David. I want us to sit next to these eight hot chicks but David, in his infinite secular wisdom, decides on a lonely booth for two. He thinks I'm married. This block is crawling with hot, probably Gentile, chicks.

This block is crawling with hot, probably Gentile, chicks. I'm about to sit down with David when I see Emmanuelle Richard, of Emmanuelle.net, walking by. She's got some hot-looking red streaks in her hair.

I run outside and flag her down. She's with Billy, the wife of blogger Howard Owen, a regular commentator on the site of Emmanuelle's hubby Matt Welch (www.mattwelch.com).

I've got a bead on David. He can't fool me. He's like me. He said something most disturbing to me on Friday: "I want to run a shelter. I want to rescue women out of these Mafia-run brothels. It's a precarious situation. I'll probably get a bullet in my head in the first year but I'm willing to die if I can help a couple of these girls get out of some dingy cellar where they are being held against their will by guards and are being forced to have unprotected sex with 15 men a night."

Note the ease with which he dismisses his life. "I'll probably get a bullet in my head in the first year." Only single men speak this way. Married men, and women, put a far higher premium on their lives.

I quickly tell David that I can see right through him. There's a hole in his soul. He needs to start putting on tefillin every morning.

David has struggled with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome the past 17 years. I've struggled with it the past 14 years.

David got help from the Small Business Administration to set up his proposed porn business Eroticum.

David: "This guy was a retired Air Force colonel with a straight buzz cut. An old guy. Nice as hell. Helpful as could be. But a Christian. And this lady was a retired executive who lives out in the San Fernando Valley. These are wealth retired people who volunteer with the SBA to help people who want to become entrepreneurs. They did spreadsheets for me.

"It's not like an Orthodox synagogue. They may've blinked an eye but they still helped me. It's a professional thing. They want to help."

Luke: "You wayward apostate Jew, why won't you get up every morning and put on teffilin?"

David: "I'm agnostic."

Luke: "That's no excuse."

David: "I don't follow any dogma. I've seen what religion does."

Luke: "People must think you are weird."

David: "I have an English activist friend who says, 'David, I always knew you were a weird dude with both barrels loaded.'"

Luke: "You own a gun?"

David: "In Oklahoma, I owned two. I feared somebody was going to kill me because of my investigation of the Oklahoma bombing. They were killing people out there."

Luke: "Why didn't you bring them with you?"

David: "I sold them for the money. In LA, I don't need them. I've stopped doing investigative journalism of people like ESystems and my tires stopped getting slashed."

David's brother Eric is the head of the Space Department's Applied Physics lab at Johns Hopkins University. An MIT grad, Eric designs satellites. Eric and David grew up in Baltimore.

David: "Girls in Baltimore are great. They don't have attitudes. They're friendly. They'll f--- you at the drop of a hat."

David shows me articles about himself.

David: "This is from the anti-Semitic Spotlight magazine. They love me. They published a two-page article. Of course, they have to put their anti-Israel slant on what I say."

David Hoffman writes: "I'm reading your piece about Steven Seagal. I usually don't read gossip, preferring to live out my own endlessly dull, boring life, but I am getting sucked in. Who knows, pretty soon I'll be watching Springer. Which reminds me, I liked Sabrina Johnson so much (so attracted to her, she reminds me of my last girlfriend) that I wrote her a poem. I never gave it to her. Heard she was married. Sigh..."

David Poland, using the vulgarities of the goyim, emails Luke: "Your f--king team finally upsets someone and you missed it!!!!!" Dallas 21-19 over Jacksonville.