Luke's Proud Aboriginal Heritage
Cecile writes: Maybe you're part Aborigine, but you're an American which counts more. People shouldn't really care about other people's backgrounds. It makes them sound like multiculturalist moonbats. Be a proud American and we'll believe you! Very good entry on the party. Glad you came! Haeley is wondering where she should go to an Orthodox Jewish service. Any suggestions? She was asking about your tzittzit as she is going to my temple this morn. Sorry I paraded the Korean food in front of you. The squid--yeah was disgusting. The texture is disgusting but the taste was too spicy to differ.
I consulted Yahoo Maps for the directions but they seemed too complicated, requiring passage through four freeways. I figured I could find it by feel and ended up going several miles out of my way, calling Cathy on my cell phone, and finally guided in by a flashlight-wielding Harvey Seipp (Cathy's father) just after 7PM.
I came as an Orthodox Jew, my yarmulke from the Israeli town of Sfat, and my tzitzit (fringes) down to my knees. They're a big hit.
I see no reason for a Torah Jew to grovel before the goyim and the assimilated Jews, trying to dress and like one of them. I wear my superiority on my fringes.
Cathy (in a mouse outfit), her daughter Cecile (and some of her young friends), and Nancy Rommelman (dressed as a cat) looked particularly stunning. I felt instantly at home while munching on Nancy's chocolate brownies. I almost asked her to sit on my lap but I figured I should put up a pious front, and besides, she got married and has a 14 year old daughter.
Cathy Seipp writes me:
Cathy Seipp writes on her blog:
I had a long talk with the spirited redhead Jill Stewart (who only got where she is because of her looks and lack of fear in using them, according to her critics). I complained that I can't write description. She says that's not true. I describe women well.
Mickey Kaus came in an Al Gore mask that he only took off for a couple of seconds. He stayed in character most of the night. He put his hand on my shoulder and said he'd done some research into me and found out that I was a big hypocrite. Boy, that must've taken some digging. That Mickey is a regular LA Times investigative reporter.
Mickey, Jill and others left around 10PM for illustrator Eric Almendrahl's party in North Hollywood.
Roman Glands, National Review illustrator from Russia, says the Richard Riordan issue of LA Examiner owes him $200.
Cecile eats squid in front of me, taunting me in a teenage manner reminiscent of David Poland.
Luke: "Do you hate yourself as a Jew?"
Cecile takes a crunch. "It's not so bad. You should try it."
Luke: "Why don't you try heroin too? It's not so bad. Just shoot it into your veins."
Jill: "You're giving weird advice tonight."
Cathy: "Tonight? Why is tonight different from all other nights?"
Many goyim came to the party, some quite smart, like Greg Critser and his lovely wife Antoinette. The champagne glass is based on her.
Some revolutionaires stormed the barricades of Cathy's house but we drove them away with harsh Jewish invective. They wanted to take Antoinette to the guillotine.
I sit near Rand Sindberg much of the night. I talk to Debbie Gendel's husband Morgan. I must interview him. He's not only a pretty face, a wonderful husband, and a lousy Jew, but an accomplished television screenwriter and producer.
Hey Morgan, please don't back out of that interview offer because of that "lousy Jew" remark. It was meant as satire. I was poking fun of my own tendency towards self-righteousness and judgmentalism. It was a joke about the fleeting nature of religious and moral truth, and an acknowledgment of the universal nature of relativity.
Author David Rensin brings along his 13-year old son, who's a fervent libertarian, has hair down to almost his waist, and fingernails painted black.
I call Moxie "Molly" after a pretty blonde I met on the Internet. Read her party report.
I drink five glasses of water. I don't trust the kashrut in this place, except from Nancy, 'cause she's so pious.
Cecile welcomes me into her room where all the kids are. She introduces me as a big deal. She gives me a tour of the house, including Cathy's bedroom, which did not appear filled with erotic lingerie, but rather with books.
Harvey Seipp lives downstairs.
His friend David Crawley told me I wasted too much energy... And I was thinking, on what? Blogging? Pursuing women? Rooting for the Dallas Cowboys? No, he said religion. It was bunk.
Cathy's house appeared neat, clean, organized and ready for a party.
Ace reporter David Finnigan came but I can't write a word he said.
I got lost driving home and it took me an hour.
Friday afternoon, I hung out in Santa Monica with a new friend from the Wednesday Morning Club. We bought her a 36" television for $1000 and then had a 3PM lunch at Real Food Daily, next to two Orthodox Jews.
I walked in the park afterwards reading "Returning" by Dan Wakefield, before heading off to the University of Judaism, arriving before sundown. I read on for another half hour before heading to the singles dinner. A stream of UJ students passed me, wearing jeans and sweats, carrying their Sabbath meal in a plastic bag for efficient consumption before heading off for an evening of "clubbing."
As I passed through the dining hall, I saw about 100 University of Judaism students readying for the Sabbath meal. Again, they were all dressed like slobs.
At the singles dinner, most people dressed up. I sized up the hottest woman in the room as this dark mysterious exotic brunette. As I prepared to hit on her, something dinged in my head, and I realized she was Rabbi Neal Weinberg's wife (he runs the conversion program at UJ and I've known him for a decade). They brought along their kid who looks about 15.
Over dinner, I kept trying to impress this Persian pharmacist with how traditional, how Orthodox, how observant I was. She asked me how I got here. I said I drove, but I arrived before sunset, and I've left my car running so I wouldn't have to turn the ignition and light a fire (breaking a law in Leviticus) on the Sabbath.
After dinner, Brian Fox led us in Jewish Improv.
I'm walking out to my car. The pharmacist tags along. She wants to see if it is really still running. She thinks I lied to her. I explain my car is about a mile away, up the hill, and yes it is still running.
My vehicle, like my life, runs on faith. Praise God.
The first two people I said "Gut Shabbos" to in shul Saturday morning ignored me. That made me feel bad.
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 24, 2003
Steven I. Weiss writes: "The meaning of the charge of anti-Semitism has been diluted by falsely charging (Gregg) Easterbrook; the impact of the charge of anti-Semitism has been diminished by creating a false category that doesn't require as much condemnation; the influence of religion on media has been reduced by whatever exclusion Easterbrook has faced and will face as a result of the false charge." He adds: "Had Easterbrook gone unchallenged, it'd be hard to say that any damage would have resulted. There is enough 'real anti-Semitism' out there to keep Jews busy without shooting themselves in the foot."
> Krauthammer: "Easterbrook has apologized. Leave him alone." (WP)
> Mahathir's words a felony; Easterbrook's musings a misdemeanor (JWR)
Posted at 11:09:32 AM
Nicholas Writes Cecile du Bois About Islamic Civilization
This is an excellent presentation, Cecile. I certainly would have been interested if I could have been so fortunate as to have listened to it in person. Here are some of my comments and questions.
1) Hamid Karzai is the leader of Afghanistan is he not? This makes his comments all the more disturbing.
2) Mahathir's opinions are "subtle"? You're joking. The man is a half-wit.
3) What "paleoliberal leaders" are you referring to? Sharon is a paleoliberal? Bush? The problem is that no-one really knows what to do. Its not clear that giving Sharon a free hand would really help matters over the middle- and long-term.
4) I don't know if any Western leader agrees with Mahathir's remarks, although Chirac is a coward and too blinded by his hatred of America to unequivocally condemn Mahathir's disgusting nonsense.
5) Islam is an Arab religion. Its expansion to non-Arab lands (the Indian subcontinent, north Africa, southern Europe, etc.) has been a disaster. I'm extremely suspicious of the intellectual capacity of any non-Arab Muslim. Do these people not know their own histories before the Muslim's came with their vulgar, violent religion?
The idea that Muslims once produced great civilizations is a gross exaggeration. India was a great civilization -- before the Muslims invaded. Persia was a great civilization -- before the Muslims invaded. Byzantium was a great civilization before the Muslims invaded. What past greatness that may have existed in Spain and what is now Iraq was parasitic on the previous Greco-Roman civilization. Once the Muslims spent all the intellectual and moral capital built-up from these previous civilizations, their Muslim societies rapidly decayed.
It is only a small exaggeration to say that Muslims destroy the lands that they conquer. Once in power they impoverish their own people and are forced to export them. Consider, for example, the demand by Palestinians to return to their supposed homes in Israel so they can enjoy the bounty of Western Civilization, which conveniently ignores that there was no bounty (moral, political, material, etc.) before the Muslims left (mostly voluntarily). Rather, there was just a tiny strip of unproductive and barely inhabited land.
6) You write: "Although Mahathir Mohammad angles in a Christian light by saying he wishes for his fellow Muslims to conquer the million Jews by peace, the amount of biasness provoked many democratic countries. Adolf Hitler was known for his persuasive but bias speeches."
I have no idea what you're trying to say here. Its almost as if you are implying that Hitler was a Christian. He most certainly wasn't. The Nazis, following Nietzsche, saw Christianity (like its mother religion Judaism) as an alien force imported into the Germanic nation from the south. They viewed it as a slave religion that encouraged meekness and was contrary to the warrior ethic found in the indigenous pre-Christian (and pre-civilized) mythology of the Nordic people.
7) In sum, Mahathir is an idiot of the first order. To hell with him and all those who thinks like him. I'm sorry, but my empathy for the Muslim world is nil at this point.
I'm not a religious person, because I think that all religions are of dubious intellectual value. However, some religious traditions (Judaism, Christianity, Buddhism, to mention three) are of incalculable moral importance. Civilization isn't possible without religion. Yet only a very few religions are capable of giving birth to and sustaining a civilized order. And Islam isn't one of them. Muslims belong with the Moabites of the Old Testament (who sacrificed children to their gods) on the ash heap of history -- the sooner the better for them and for us.
Cecile replies: Mahathir Mohammad masks his anti-Semitism by rambling on about peace. Like Yasir Arafat incessantly using the peace sign, Mahathir Mohammad repetitively stressed that his "final victory" would be by "peacefully" conquering the million Jews. Christiantiy promotes peace and yet its past has been the Crusades. Jesus's "I turn the other cheek" philosophy inspires Muslim leaders to utilize that to convince Christian (Western Europe) nations to sympathize with them. When Mahathir Mohammad says that it will only take a large group of Muslim leaders to think and strategize in winning over the Jews, he is indelibly wrong. Hitler was more direct in his speeches. He was unafraid to gush out his hatred of the Jew. Mahathir Mohammad, also because of our present times, won't do that or he will automatically be disliked. Hitler found a soft spot in his nation and started ranting about how fat the Jew was compared to the German and how they lie, cheat steal etc. Go to Hitler.org and you can read all his blaring speeches. But what Mohammad can do is promote Arab/Muslim nationalsim and pride. It is not a healthy pride. He is promoting a superiority complex that may ingrain itself onto Muslims worldwide unless they think for themselves.
Of course, the English, the French, the Germans, the Russians etc all want to feel proud of themselves as a nation as well as superior. It may not be a good analogy, but compare a self centered needy two year old to a thirty year old. The average two year old is like the Muslims--in the middle east. He wants to be a "big boy" and better than the others. As he shakes his rattle, he thinks he is the king of the world. But the thirty year old (America or Israel) is more mature and knows that everybody is equal. He is a humble man who has already grown up from his dark ages. But if he listens to the two year old and is clingy to his son, he will become a paleoliberal, sympathetic with the extremist Muslims. If he minds him nothing, and goes away completely, the two year old will start throwing his toys (weapons) at the man. But if the man listens but tries to help the two year old grow up while taking away his toys and sending him to school, then eventually bit by bit the two year old will become a man, a country. Mahathir Mohammad is like that two year old. Although he is elderly somewhat, if we help people like him grow up, then we have more democracy and peace in the world.
With Israel fighting for its survival (I know this phrase is a cheap shot because when has Israel not been fighting for its survival), what does the Jewish Journal put on its cover this week? Those three words, linking to a typically incoherent essay from the terrific screenwriter and novelist Michael Tolkin, who also manages to consistently be a moral idiot.
Tell me if you can make heads of tails of what he's trying to say.
Particularly dishonest was the Journal tag for the story inside: "Taking New Republic columnist Gregg Easterbrook to task for his claim that Jews "worship money above all else." What Easterbrook really said was that certain Jewish executives, like certain non-Jewish executives "worship money above all else." What Gregg said was wrong. Hollywood executives would not make money praising white supremacists or criticizing black leaders like Martin Luther King. Hollywood execs often put their leftist values ahead of making money, as Michael Medved shows in his book Hollywood vs America. For example, G-rated films make more money than PG, which make more money than R. So why make so many R-rated films except that you want to be cutting-edge?
I'm now waiting for an apparently self-hating Christian like Easterbrook to call another Godless Jew like Tolkin for advice on how he can further grovel to the Liberal Jewish Media.
While Israel has been under siege since September 2001, I'm unaware of Tolkin doing anything.
In a 9/25/02 LA Times article about why Hollywood Jews do so little for the Jewish state, he appeared as a prominent Hollywood Jewish liberal:
In the 10/11/02, Tolkin made what he later characterized as an ugly slur against his debating opponent Dennis Prager: " Torah is braver than Dennis Prager, who has yet to move to Israel with his family, so his children can ride the buses until they’re old enough to join the army, rather like the son of that terrible leftist Michael Lerner."
In fact, Prager's eldest son David was in Israel at the time, studying at a yeshiva, while Dennis visited Israel for a week, broadcast his three-hour daily radio show from Jerusalem for a week, and made a documentary film about Israel in a time of terror.
Rodger Jacobs writes: "As much as I love his writing, I must agree with you that the essay he wrote was rather rambling and incoherent. Reads like something written hastily under a looming deadline. Too bad. Tolkin is best in ruminating on issues of moral cloudiness and human free will in opposition to God's law, a subject upon which he can damn near write any novelist and screenwriter under the table."
Former Buzz editor Allan Mayer writes Cathy Seipp:
Cathy Seipp replies: "Allan, you are absolutely right, and I have dressed Luke down about exactly these airy pronouncements before. Which did seem to properly chasten him at the time, but then he drastically lowered the lithium dose, thus the rattle-headed, pro-Easterbrook bender he's been on these past few weeks. But now I see the newly upped dose has returned him to the charming, "semi-sane" (remember that one?), sort-of-fit-for-polite-society character we know and love."
New Times film critic Luke Thompson, who represent the decay of Western Civilization with his obscene t-shirts, obscene chatter and polymorphous sexual perversity, writes Cathy Seipp:
Gregg Easterbrook - Self-Hating Christian?
Gregg Easterbrook phones his clueless Godless critics who helped get him fired from his major source of income, Disney owned ESPN, asking them for advice on how to mollify the mortified, but he can't be bothered to reply to an email from his biggest supporter, me.
Chaim Amalek writes: "The stuff you've been writing about collapsing Christian Greg Easterbrook is worthy of broader circulation. For ignoring you (and AMALEK), Easterbrook deserves to be ground under the Iron Heel of the Hollywood Juden."
Number one. Reduce amount of lithium intake.
Roy writes: I read you gained a few extra pounds lately...right? Well...this afternoon just started reading the book "Seabiscuit" and the jockeys riding those horses, were in a way worse fight with their body than any models. They had all kind of tricks to get to the weight allowed and one of them (maybe one of the most dramatic) was to ingest a capsule containing the egg of a tapeworn. It's a long time known fact that when you get that kind of beast inside you,you're loosing weight. When they had achieve the desired weight, (or that they were too sick), they had the worm removed.
Rabbi Wolpe's Jewish Mysticism Class Packs In Yearning Young Females
Throw a kaballah class at Temple Sinai in Westwood and watch the women come.
I sit down at 6:50PM, clutching my Dan Wakefield "Returning" book and look around. It's an ineffable experience. I'm surrounded by handsome and beautiful Jews yearning to express themselves Jewishly with other (relatively) young Jews.
My soul aspires for the mysteries, for the hidden secrets of the universe. It cannot be content with much knowledge that probes the trivialities of life.
I see a storm wind from the south, a vast dark cloud of Persian women, with flashes of fire and brilliant light about them. They are chiseled and shapely. Why are Persian women so mysterious and shapely and feminine? I love that. Hallelujah! Praise the Lord. Keep them coming.
Within them is a radiance like brass, glowing in the heart of the flames. In the fire was the semblance of four blonde WASPY girls, their legs were straight and their feet were like the hooves of a calf, glittering like Studio 54 in the late seventies.
Under the wings on each of the four sides were human arms and hands. Their clothing glittered and slithered as they moved to their seats.
Author and rabbi, David Wolpe, speaks for an hour. Question time. A woman gives a long rambling speech about her Internet dating and how all guys want to just meet for coffee and she wants to have a longer connection just to get to know them as individuals, even if she doesn't want to date them.
Question two. Earnest young man who does not wear a yarmulke. "Could you expand on God's will?"
Question three is a three-parter. How much of kaballa (Jewish mysticism) is a fad, how much requires faith, and how much fanaticism?
People's social skills are on painful display during question time and they speak out of a need for attention, out of their pain, out of reflex, and almost never out of thought. Rabbi Wolpe however is a master at dealing with them.
He comes into the desert room afterwards and notices my Dan Wakefield book.
"I just needed something to chew on before class started," I explain.
"I know Dan Wakefield," says the rabbi. "He's a great man and that's a great book."
Boy, did I feel ten feet tall.
ABC TELEVISION RUN BY SELF-HATING JEWS, UNFAIR TO CHAIM AMALEK
WORLD EXCLUSIVE TO LUKEFORD.NET (America's favorite source of futuristic social commentary)
Elderly New York Jew Chaim Amalek is the victim of egregious discrimination at the hands of ABC television. Run as it is by self-hating secular jews like Michael Eisner (who studied "dance" when young, wink wink), this crooked outfit has seen fit to repeatedly stand in the way of Chaim Amalek's happiness by blacklisting him. Chaim attributes their hatred of him to his unimpressive stature and large lateral size, his semitic mien, and his progressive politics. An exclusive expose of these haters and how they hate with their hateful tricks will appear on this site in mid-December, and word up ABC - Chaim will be naming names. It won't be pretty.
Mystic River's Hidden Anti-Semitism
I love many Clint Eastwood movies, including his latest, which I saw Monday night. I am worried, however, that people will see that movies can be made without Jews as directors or characters. All the Jewish hacks in Hollywood (such as those who piled on Gregg Easterbrook for a minor offense, leading to his firing) should fear for their jobs.
Gregg Easterbrook is one hundred times the thinker of all of his critics, like the clueless Tim Rutten, Meryl Yourish and company.
"Christians often make good films. A welcome respite from the feminized nonsense of the cosmopolitanites," says a learned Jewish sage on the Upper West Side of Manhattan.
I Wish Godless Jews Would Shut Up
In the wake of the Gregg Easterbrook "Jewish Hollywood" controversy, I wish that almost every Jew who opined on the matter would shut up. Because almost Jew who wrote about the matter is a Godless Jew, who does not belong to a syngogue, neither studies nor observes the Torah, does nothing to help the state of Israel, and has nothing in common with things Jewish. Such secular Jews are condemned to be flushed down the toilet of Jewish history. The descendents of Godless Jews do not stay Jewish unless they become Orthodox.
It is precisely the Godless Jews who were discomforted by Easterbrook's careless remarks because such Jews have no secure Jewish identity and hence are paranoid about the slightest threats while ignorant of the real ones. Such Jews have no compass to measure by. They react on feelings and the editorial pages of The NY Times rather than the timeless verities of the Torah.
So to the Godless Jews of Hollywood and the blogosphere and the news media and academia, I say - shut up about things Jewish and go join another religion so you will no longer appear to the world to be Jewish and thus shame those of who try to live within the Torah corral. Jews who leave Judaism and still try to change the world without Judaism's moral controls usually make the world worse (communism, socialism, feminism, animal rights, Hollywood, leftist academics, ACLU, sodomites, cross-dressers, etc).
Or, if you are a libertine godless Jew who forsakes all things Jewish, but yet must opine on Jewish matters, at least identify yourself as a Jewish goy who has no knowledge of his tradition and is speaking out of his hat rather than his yarmulke.
Exceptions to my rant - godless Jews Mickey Kaus and Eugene Volokh. They may continue to blog on occasion on things Jewish.
God bless you all in all of your legitimate endeavors.
Cathy Seipp writes Luke:
Luke says: "I can have it as many ways as I like Miss Cathy Seipp. I'm Luke Ford, Your Moral Leader, and I live in a drug-induced fantasy world of unparalleled hypocrisy."
Dave Deutsch writes:
Kindly Christian gent Joe Shea, a friend to Jews and goyim everywhere, hits the nail on the head at LA Observed: "It's too bad people are not as sensisitive to things that are offensive to Jews as things that are offensive to Catholics, blacks, Irish, Italians and others. You could fill countless volumes with the slurs against Catholics in modern literature, popular culture and the movies. Ironically, if indeed as many have said the industry is one dominated by (secular and non-secular) Jews, it is especially sad that the portrayals and characterizations that move them to defense mode don't also move them into the same mode when Catholics are offended."
Stand By Your Man?
Due to my life of renunciation and virtue, I've never cheated on any committed monogamous relationship with an Orthodox Jewish girl that was headed towards marriage (I've never had one of these either).
I've never cheated on any committed exclusive relationship or come close to it, though I've often thought about it.
So let's talk about Kobe and his wife.
"...Meanwhile, outside a courtroom in Colorado, the big question is: Where's Vanessa? The absence of Mrs. Kobe Bryant next to her husband at the preliminary hearings for his trial for rape has been widely parsed for significance. The flash of the $4 million diamond he bought her after admitting adultery is fading behind the question: What does her absence mean? It may be true that behind every powerful man is a woman, but even more true is that next to every powerful man in trouble, the public expects to see a woman propping him up."
I know women who say they'd divorce Kobe rather than suffer the humiliation of standing up for a man who'd cheated on them.
I've had girlfriends who made it clear they would leave any man who cheated on them. I absolutely agree with them. I'd probably leave any girlfriend who cheated on me. I once had a girlfriend cheat on me but it was because she wanted me out of her house and life. It worked. Four days later, I was gone. It was about the most painful experience of my life.
Dennis Prager says it is foolish for a spouse to automatically file for a divorce over adultery but I think it is an excellent thing to say clearly that one would leave a relationship or marriage over unfaithfulness (even if you do not necessarily follow through with it). I think men badly need to know that they can kiss their marriage goodbye if they cheat. That's a better deterrent than Prager's more moderate stand.
The Torah prescribes the death penalty for all sorts of sins, including homosexuality and dishonoring parents, that there's no history of the Jews ever following through with. This doesn't bother me. Keeping the death penalty on the books is important as a deterrent even if it is not (always?) carried out.
I agree with another blogger that it is suspect if your mate regularly engages in lengthy (particularly in person) conversations with an attractive member of the opposite sex.
Now it can be told - the true story of my upbringing.
Many of you saw the movie Rabbit Proof Fence, about the sad stories of half-breed Aboriginal children taken from their Abo homes and raised as white Australians. My story is the opposite. I am the Abos' revenge.
I am one-quarter Aboriginal. One day in 1967, when I was nine months old, my aboriginal grandfather stole me from my Christian parents and took me to the outback where I ran with dingos and was raised by savages until I neared the age of my Bar Mitzvah. I then decided to move to America as an initial step in my conversion to Judaism.
Former CIA Director James Woolsey Addresses Wednesday Morning Club Monday Afternoon On Matters Of International Concern
I washed my clothes at the laundromat Monday morning, returned six books to the library, broke through the picketers to do a $151 grocery shop at Ralphs (fruit, salad, yoghurt, cottage cheese, frozen strawberries, strawberry juice concentrate, vanilla and chocolate soyamilk, caramel nuts, Cheerios, oats - I never use coupons except for the 5% off everything ones Ralphs hands out on occasion, did today and saved $7:59) then charged home to call one of the richest men on the Internet, fling off my "I did a mitzvah for Israel" T-shirt and pull on my striped green shirt that women like and my black undertaker suit and high-tail it to the Beverly Hills Hotel where I parked behind a series of expensive foreign cars.
I walk in at 11:40AM and start up a conversation on the Santa Monica restaurant Raw (Broadway and 6th Street) with David Horowitz assistant Liz, who recommends the place highly. She and her husband are vegetarians. Cathy Seipp and I met her with Michael Finch, the director of the Wednesday Morning Club, outside of Real Food Daily a few months ago.
I walk in with real estate man Larry Goldstein, who'd read about my previous areas of journalistic endeavor and was relieved to hear I'd move on to new vistas.
At 12:05, I see Cathy Seipp (who complains I don't link to her) walk in wearing a flimsy green dress. If she were showing any more flesh, she'd star in VH1's Centerfold Babylon.
"Cathy!" I yell. She reluctantly gives up her place at the table with the big money folks and sits with me in the plebian seats at the back. We're joined by blonde boy-crazy TV producer Marie, who suggests I eat my salad.
The salad has slabs of what look like fish but Cathy assures me they are shitake mushrooms.
"I don't like onions," I say pointing at the silver layers on top of the greens.
Marie nudges Cathy. "Why don't you take off his onions?"
"NO! I'm not going to wipe his a-- either," says Cathy, which I thought was a vulgar remark considering the elevated surroundings and company.
I eat my salad with my fingers. Marie says that's fine. Cathy says I should use a fork.
Marie says, "I would never date a man who was a vegetarian because it would mean he's a fanatic."
Cathy: "Luke's a vegetarian who doesn't like vegetables."
Luke to Marie, who's birthday is Friday and she looks none too thrilled about it: "So I couldn't take you to Real Food Daily?"
Marie: "Yes, you could take me there."
It's a good thing Cathy sits between us or Marie and I would be sipping champagne out of each other's glasses 0 I don't even like champagne or any alcohol - and making out during the long speeches.
Watching Marie eat is an erotically charged experience. I'm fascinated by the way she chops her food into morsels and then transfers it with a fork to her mouth without dropping it on her dress or smuding her make-up. She reminds me of that eating scene in Stealing Beauty where Jacqueline Bisset instructs her daughter in the art of the courtesan.
Marie's the first woman to boss me around and make me like it.
David Horowitz stands about 5'8" and exudes non-erotic energy.
James Woolsey is younger and tanner than I expected, and funnier. He was riding in a cab in Washington D.C. after President Clinton's speech last February which intimated that terrorism was America's payback for slavery. The cab driver was an old black man who wore a Redskin cap. He had a picture of his family on the dash. Woolsey asked him what he thought of Clinton's speech.
"They don't hate us for what we did wrong," said the driver. "They hate us for what we do right."
A bulldog of an old woman with a big strong jaw asked Woolsey what he thought of the crazy general who thought God was on our side in the war on terrorism. Woolsey and most of the crowd were sympathetic to the general.
Cathy says she's noticed on my website a descent into insanity the past month. She doesn't know I've reduced my daily lithium intake from 1200 mg a day to 300mg. I've wanted to lose that extra 20 pounds I've gained since starting on the medication in the Spring. It seems that most people prefer me at the 1200mg mark.
Cathy Seipp writes:
Luke says: "It was 80 degress out. I did not think it strange that everyone there was dressed more modestly and appropriately and conservatively and Republicanly than you. There's something of the liberal devil in you that morally troubles me."
Cathy Seipp writes on her blog: "Luke Ford, who was busy trying to convince some woman at our table making goo-goo eyes at him that the VH1 show he was on last week was called "Models of Modesty" (actually it was "Centerfold Babylon") -- and also that he can't help eating salad with his fingers because he was raised in the outbacks of Australia by Aborigines, and grew up delivering pie into his mouth via boomerang..."
Cecile writes: "Hilarious about the description on how Luke has horrendous table manners. I didn't know he was that boyish."
Chaim Amalek writes Luke: "Above all, think like a Jew. A Jew does not write a book to tell his life story. He writes a book to further his career. Just remember never to cross a Jew in Hollywood - you know how those people feel about crosses."
Nicholas writes: Leftists are such happy, optimistic people. Stalin was certainly enjoying himself when he was putting out cigars on his second wife's face -- before he pushed her into an early grave along with 25 million others.
By the way Luke, how come you don't have a PayPal button on your website? With Christmas fast approaching, it upsets me to think that you will be sitting alone in your hovel without even enough money to buy a tree and some decorations. Besides, I want to make sure that you have at least $10 dollars so you can see Mel Gibson's "The Passion" next Easter. If I send $20 maybe you can go with Dr Laura Schlessinger.
James Woolsey reviews Gerald Posner's new book in the 10/21/03 Wall Street Journal:
Was she wearing her cowboy hat? Well, not exactly that...
Dana writes: Hey everybody! Did you know that the glut of porn that exists today desensitizes men's libidos? No? Naomi Wolf is here to drop science for you then.
"Pornography is addictive; the baseline gets ratcheted up. By the new millennium, a vagina which, by the way, used to have a pretty high "exchange value," as Marxist economists would say, wasn't enough; it barely registered on the thrill scale. All mainstream porn--and certainly the Internet--made routine use of all available female orifices."
As Carly Milne put it, "Last I checked, men still liked having sex. And last I checked, most men were not f------ porn stars exclusively. To say that men are giving up on having sex with regular women due to porn consumption is the funniest damn thing I think I’ve ever read, and once again, blames porn for something that is a deeper seeded issue than what Wolf has originally lead the reader to believe."
So now New York is like all porn, all the time, I suppose. Though Naomi Wolf eschews David Amsden's Ivyed Rolodex for--wait for it--Orthodox Jews on a settlement!
Dana: OK, first off, Naomi: You can't fuck hair. Second: Ask any sexworker you've ever met and let them tell you about how many Orthodox clients they've had. Third: Perhaps there's a certain sexual intensity to the fucking when you live in a place where you're very likely to get blowed the fuck up. Fourth: HUH? More later. Work (and the three-martini lunch) beckons.
Apropos of nothing, I'd be willing to wager serious cash that Naomi has had rhinoplasty. Ever since The Beauty Myth came out I've been seriously scrutinizing that shnozz of hers. I'm thinkin' finishing school graduation present.
Luke says: The Orthodox Jew does not view pornography and does participate in oral sex because it is walking in the ways of the goyim, not dignified and can lead to the spilling of seed. For the Torah Jew, sex is a religious obligation more than a physical pleasure. We only do it because God says so.
Yes, I think oral sex is more prevalent today because our moral boundaries are breaking down. Pornography breaks down moral boundaries.
There's nobody who's doing more than me to combat the spread of oral sex in our decadent society. I focus my efforts on the most vulnerable to this contagion - young women.
I just finished Jack London's semi-autobiographical novel Martin Eden, about a struggling young writer in Oakland at the turn of the 19th Century into the 20th. I loved it. I love reading about struggling writers who make good. Gives me hope.
I listened to the whole thing on tape in five days. I suffer from insomnia, which I treat with books on tape and Torah lectures from www.613.org.
I liked Herman Wouk's Youngblood Hawke even more than Martin Eden. A similar theme.
I've grown weary of a memoir I've worked on for three years. It means I'm about ready to finish with it and move on to my producer book.
I call a writer friend.
Luke: "Martin Eden saw through everyone else but didn't seem cognizant of his owns flaws. He's not really pictured as having any. Just a well-meaning chap, a man's man. That grows wearying over a long book, always believing that the fault lies with the other."
Rog: "Martin Eden lacked self awareness, as did Jack London.
"So you're getting bored with your memoir? Your problem has always been, and it's reflected in your writing on your website, that you can't seem to focus on a single issue. You have too many issues you want to explore. Sometimes you need to be more subtle. Never underestimate the reader. They'll get the subtleties. You have a lot of issues. You know what your issues are.
"The number one issue with you is one of abandonment and a need to embrace cultures that are shunned, to reinforce your abandonment issues. I find fascinating that you acknowledge your issue which causes your social dysfunctions. You know what it is but you choose not to move on with your life. You choose not to say, 'My mom died when I was young and it really screwed me up.' You just stew. You choose to keep reinforcing that.
"That goes against contemporary pop culture - the AA thing about God granting you the serenity... You don't embrace. You just keep repeating it."
Luke: "That's certainly the theme in my memoir."
Rog: "You tend to hit the reader over the head with it. You need to be more subtle. It's painfully obvious in your writing, in your embracing of Judaism and other pariahs. You should read Jack London's semi-autobiographical novel John Barleycorn. It's 200 pages of Jack London denying that he's an alcoholic.
"What makes you fascinating is that you know what bothers you, what drives you, what influences you to act as you act, yet you do nothing about your behavior and thought patterns to improve your life. You can't control yourself. You must act out and you must get rejected.
"You were a pioneer in blogging along with Matt Drudge. Now everybody's doing it. You are just one of thousands. You got more press than anybody aside from Matt Drudge. Now you get lost in the crowd. Whatever Happened To Luke Ford? It'd make a good article. A third-party needs to do it. Emmanuelle Richard should do it."
Luke: "I keep looking for women who will dump me. Time in and time out. I seek to be abandoned. I know just what to do to get dumped. I'd go back like a puppy dog and then repeat behavior that made sure she dumped me."
Jews Night Out
Orthodox Jews Jews were wilding in the streets of the upper west side of Manhattan yesterday. But so far there have been no reports of them molesting any Puerto Rican or white women. Instead they danced with Torah scrolls.
'Levi Was On VH1'
In shul Friday night, a friend told me he'd received calls from three other members of the shul this past week about my appearance on VH1. "I saw Levi on VH1. I thought he was a writer," one said.
It is incongruous to find me on TV because I morally oppose the medium for it leads to focusing on externals rather than what truly matters. But when I heard about this program, "Models Of Modesty," I thought this was an opportunity to do good. It's not often that a TV show focuses on real-life examples of couples who wait until marriage to touch. I was honored to be asked to place this particular teaching of Judaism in its wider context of modesty, humility and walking humbly with God.
Just Doing The Lord's work
Dolly, a Filipino Christian with a BA in psychology, calls: "What's going on with you?"
Luke: "Just doing the Lord's work."
Dolly: "You went on a date. You're a nightmare. You must go out with bitchy women. You're paranoid about your vehicle. They went out with you for a reason. You must pick some winners. That's horrid. See what happens when you try to stick to your own circles. It doesn't work. Especially if you go for a Jewish woman and you've got a beat-up van. Yeah right. You know you guys are all about money and power."
The Pentagon Unleashes a Holy Warrior
By William M. Arkin, a military affairs analyst who writes regularly for The Los Angeles Times.
Dennis Prager says: This is common for the secular media to paint all fundamentalists as the same - be they Christian, Jewish or Muslim. Why is the general a Christian extremist? Saying we're hated because we are a nation of believers? I'm not even Christian and I believe that is why they hate us. Our beliefs are fundamental to this conflict with Islamic extremists. Those who do not believe can not defeat those who do believe.
Boykin was speaking to a Christian audience so it was natural for him to invoke the name of Jesus.
Nobody knew about these comments until the LA Times and NBC News reported them. These comments were made to Christian groups. He did not go on TV to make these comments, which would've been unwise. Only because Arkin publicized the comments can they make us more hated in the Muslim worlds.
Because Boykin believes in prayer, repentance and faith in God this makes him a Christian extremist? Boykin told an Oregon congregation that Bush was appointed by God.
Dennis: I can only understand the triumph of George Bush as the intervention of God. What if somebody said he believed Martin Luther King was the product of divine intervention to do non-violent combat against racial discrimination?
Arkin is a secular extremist. I have not read anything extreme that Boykin has said or done.
It's not the General who scares me. It's the LA Times writer. But the article is so revealing of the Times and the author's secular biases, that I'm thrilled it was published.
The only community in the US that believes in fighting evil is the evangelical Christian. Jews, Catholics, Buddhists, Muslims are all divided.
Boykin did not say the God of all Muslims was an idol. He said the God of a terrorist was an idol. I agree. I agree that Osama Bin Laden's God is an idol. For the secular writer, everyone who believes in God is lumped together. He lacks sophistication. Boykin did not smear Islam. He smeared the terorist.
I believe too that our side is the side of the true God.
Fishing in the Wrong Stream
Luke says: I do not find Ann Coulter the least bit sexy. She even went out with Mickey Kaus, so where are her moral standards? Face it, the hottest chicks are on the Left. Beauty breeds optimism about human nature which equals leftist politics. Ugliness breeds skepticism about human nature which equals conservative politics.
Our next guest on my Internet radio show is manager Tabetha.
Luke: "I wanted to be an actor so that I can teach morality to the world."
Tabetha: "Don't you have to live morality first Luke? If I could teach morality, I would give it up in a hurry because no one is interested in learning it. That's why people enjoy what we offer in the entertainment industry.
"Luke, how can you keep putting yourself in the line of criticism for hypocrisy?"
Jim: "Because he's a martyr. It's Luke H. Christ. He sees himself that way."
Luke: "I have a messiah complex. I feel like I am suffering for the sins of the world."
Jim: "He prays every night that a bunch of obsessed fans will break into his little hovel, take him outside, and nail him to a cross."
Luke: "Tabetha, I've got some psychological issues that I'm working out through my website."
Jim: "Psychological issues? That's a nice way to put it. He is completely insane. People don't realize it. Luke tomorrow could give up being a Jew and become a serial murderer."
Tabetha: "Misery loves company."
Jim: "And there's no one more miserable than Luke. Trust me. Ask his therapist. He is misery."
My chief cause of misery these days is my inability to reconcile my daily prayer and study at shul with my work.
Knowing that my only hope is to leave what I'm doing, I begin a memoir. Publishing a successful book should rocket me out of the ooze of mediocrity into the stratosphere of my shul mates.
My morning and evening prayers shuttle back and forth between agony (looming ejection) and ecstasy (full membership). Oh God, what other subject could I write about and earn a similarly independent living? What other work would I be suited for? Will I ever attain normal health? Is there any pious woman who'd take me, believe in me, and inspire me to greatness? Please God, don't let me do gratuitous harm to the rabbis and to the good people of this community.
My new shul is like my father. It lays down the law. It puts a premium on behavior. It is formal and rigorous and on time. I find mentors here - people who've combined secular success with committed religiosity and strong families. I want what they have and I feel ashamed of my life and my work.
Shame. It's an emotion I've skipped away from for too long. I feel it and then let it slide off me, comforted by the low moral level of the people I write about. Now, however, on a daily basis I mix with people leading lives at a higher moral level. It makes me want to be more.
In my religious community, I'm "Low Key Levi." I never speak out of turn.
One day in Talmud class, Bob, a leader in the shul, says he's going away on business. He asks if I will unlock the closet every morning, fire up the water heater for the tea, coffee and hot chocolate, and then put everything away at the end of class? I say I will and I take his key.
As I attach it to my ring, I feel a surge of pride. I've been recognized as the most reliable member of the class. I've been trusted to shop for our hot drinks. I've been given a duty by the people I respect the most and I'm not going to let them down.
Don, a therapist in the group who's known me from my Reform temple years, takes note: "You look like you belong here."
On those rare days when I do not make it to shul, my Talmud teacher asks after me. I'm missed. Once, when I'm sick, he calls me at home to make sure I am ok. I know this sounds trivial, but for a boy-man yearning for fathering, these small gestures carry great weight.
One morning during prayers, an Israeli newcomer notifies me that my head tefillin (leather straps attached to boxes of scrolls of Torah that you wrap around your head and arm) are tangled. I've long known that they were tangled but I never worried about it. Now I feel embarrassed as I take my tefillin off my head and allow him to unravel them.
This sounds petty but it is what community is all about. Looking out for the other. Letting him know when his tefillin is tangled.
A couple of days later, the stranger comes up to me again and asks if I'd had my tefillin checked. No I have not. My pair is probably not kosher. It is old and cracked. According to Jewish Law, if you use non-kosher tefillin, you don't get any credit from God for the mitzva [divine obligation].
I can't afford a new pair, which will cost upwards of $500. The main reason I pray every morning in shul is not to fulfill the mitzva, but to connect with God and with good people. But if I get a new advertiser on my website, I'll buy new tefillin.
A friend from shul invites me over. He has something to give me. It's a brand new pair of tefillin, paid for by the rabbi, worth hundreds of dollars to the market, and millions of dollars to my soul. It's the greatest gift I've ever received.
Curious writes: "The story of your gift of the tefillin was truly awesome. It proves how God works in many ways. I too have a story of unexpected kindness to share. A month ago our mutual friend Goddess asked for my address and a week later I received via the US mail four copies of "Mike South's Southern Belles" and "The Houston 500!" Not every one prays for the same things."
"So Luke, how are you?"
It was a question from an old flame over a late lunch on the Venice Boardwalk.
How do I sum up the past six months without her?
They've been tough. My sponsor FANtastic went broke, owing me $30,000. The downturn in the Internet economy has cut my earnings to less than $2000 a month. My health, usually fragile, has sputtered beneath my engine of ambition. Six months ago, I could do 1400 pushups in 30 minutes. Now I do nothing. It's a good day when I'm not sick.
I returned to therapy last April and I've stuck it out, two sessions a week, despite its drain on my meager finances.
I don't go into these details with my ex, prefering to stay upbeat. I don't want to increase my vulnerability to the one who carries my heart in her handbag.
As the sun goes down over the ocean, we stand on the grass and hug. For a few minutes, I feel safe. For a few minutes, I feel loved. For a few minutes, I taste Heaven.
I begin my day as normal with two hours of prayer and study and depression at synagogue. Then, after taking off my yarmulke and tefillin, I set foot for the first time on a movie set run by ebullient gay men. Though I feel uncomfortable with the vividly homosexual aura, I can't help liking the people. For the first time in weeks, the clouds of Orthodox repression dissolve and I feel joy.
I've isolated myself from sets over the past two years and done my work by telephone and email. By hanging out today, I remember how many movie people I genuinely like. I find starlet Asia gorgeous. I could happily spend all day taking photos of her.
I walk in as her stills shoot begins. I immediately grab my camera and snap away without asking permission.
As Asia disrobes, I stop taking photos (I could never justify it to my rabbi) and walk away to chat with Britt, a graduate of a Baptist high school.
Britt: "Do you really think you are qualified to be a moral leader? You are being a total hypocrite by being here right now. You are completely negating everything you believe in. This is why you have constant conflict. You need to choose a side. If you want to be a journalist, go cover a parade. You're not Jewish and you're not Christian. You are a hypocrite."
Luke: "I simply don't live up to the ideals of my religion."
Publicist Jason: "Do you have a lot of guilt about that?"
Britt: "Apparently you do."
Jason: "It's not even guilt. It's despair. There's a cloud of sadness and despair around you every time I see you."
Luke: "I'm depressed. I can’t see a way of surviving within my religious community while I do this work."
Britt: "Your aura is very obvious to people who can see it."
I arrive home to an email from an Orthodox friend inquiring if I am ok. He saw how depressed I was during Talmud study this morning. How do I explain to him the dread I feel stepping into shul each day, feeling like a whore in a church, knowing the horrifying moment will soon come when the rabbi will find out Levi Ben Avraham operates [a certain website]? How do I explain to my friend that I waste much of my prayer time trying to reconcile the wildly disparate parts of myself?
I yearn to stand out and I yearn to fit in. I must choose one value or the other. By not choosing, I avoid taking responsibility for my own life. I place the rabbi and the synagogue in a position where they will have no choice but to expel me for falsely representing myself as an Orthodox Jew.
Why must I endlessly replay the depressing dramas of my childhood?
On my Internet radio show, we talk to journalist Eric Danville who's published a new book on Linda Lovelace.
Luke: "Linda Lovelace was in an abusive relationship with Chuck Traynor."
Jim: "Half the girls...are in abusive relationships. Big deal. Luke could easily become a battered boyfriend. Because he's wimpy. If Luke got a girlfriend who started beating on him, Luke would not only take it, he would stay in the relationship. He'd just go talk about it to his therapist. He'd convince himself that he deserved it."
Luke: "I am in an abusive relationship. I have you as a cohost every week."
Jim: "Eric, do you read Luke's web site?"
Eric: "Daily. I think it's interesting cross between almost daily serious journalism and performance art. Sometimes I can not take it seriously. And there are other times when he brings up legitimate issues. I'm interested that he's got such a hardon for the Mafia and the guys at Crescent. The online billing issues - I don't have an interest in. I don't like a lot of what he stands for. What he's doing is actually very smart. He's subverting something from the inside.”
Jim: "Would it surprise you to find out that he's not taken seriously enough to subvert anything? Because in the four years of Luke Ford in the business, basically nothing's changed. And he has impacted nothing. When he started out, he pissed a few people off. But then people stopped taking him serious. He hasn't had a good scoop in two years. The only thing he ever scooped was the Marc Wallice thing. That's his one claim to fame. When he dies, they're going to write his obituary and just put two words down - Marc Wallice.
"Luke is really a pathetic human being. He has twelve different diseases that no army of doctors can convince him that he doesn't have. His hovel is a converted garage. He doesn't go anywhere. He doesn't date."
Eric: "He won't go down on chicks."
Jim: "No, he won't. He's got vaginaphobia. Everytime he meets a new girl and there's talk that maybe they will go on a date. I ask them up front if it is going to be a problem that Luke is afraid of her vagina. He ain't gonna get his face anywhere down there. And the girl always at first says no, but upon further investigation, she knows there's a problem. Luke and Linda Lovelace would make a great couple. They're both martyrs."
Eric: "One thing that Linda has in common with the community now is that she is not too big on Luke Ford. She saw you on E! True Hollywood Story. You were talking about her spiral of drug abuse and this that and the other. And what she was like in high school. And you've never met her. And you come across on this show like you've done all this heavy duty research. And I know exactly where you got every quote in your profile on her.”
Luke: "Eric, what role do you think the Mafia plays in the business?"
Eric: "These days? Probably as big a role as they play in waste removal and the garment district and all over the place. I have no interest in the Mob because it's not news that they have their hands in everything. The fact that the Mafia controls magazine distribution is not a secret. Though I think that it is very interesting that guys like Luke and my friend Legs McNeil have a total hardon for the Mafia. It's just another thing that doesn't interest me."
Luke: "Why doesn't it interest you?"
Eric: "Because they're all over the place and everyone knows it. There's no story there."
Jim: "It's just a bunch of businessmen trying to make a living like anyone else. When crime ceases to be organized, we'll have anarchy, and then we're in big trouble. I think that organized crime provides a great service to the world."
Eric: "They dress well. They look really good. And face it, everyone loves the Mob because those guys are cool."
Luke: "I'm an anti-Mafia crusader."
Eric: "Sometimes you just have to lay off because bad things are going to happen to you. And I would hate for that to happen to Luke."
Jim: "Luke delights in getting people into trouble. Luke delights in creating misery in other people's lives. You know why? Because his life is so miserable."
Luke On A Date
Confucy writes Luke:
Does Steven Bartman Need Christ in His Life?
Reverend Peter Luther Christian, OBE, writes:
Nikki Finke writes:
Luke Ford posts:
David Poland writes:
Pass Thru writes: "If you think Luke Ford is great here, just head over to his home page where he claims date rape isn't rape at all! It's a big day for you, isn't it Mr. Ford? Might as well get it all out there for the world to see."
Chaim Amalek writes:
Zathras writes Roger Simon:
Akiva from Karabal, Mesopotamia, writes Luke: "Good piece on Gregg Easterbrook. I have read about the Holocaust, so I know what I am talking about. In fact, that will be my newest pickup line - "I have read about the Holocaust, so I think you should let me have sex with you.'"
Cathy Seipp's Jewish Heart Doesn't Break For Striking Grocery Store Employees
Luke says: I'd cross the Ralphs picket line but I haven't done it yet. I don't feel like I need more confrontation in my life.
Can A Non-Jew Do A Mitzvah?
At the Farmer's Market parking lot off Fairfax in Los Angeles, journalist Nancy Rommelman encountered " a Hasidic boy standing in the bed of a pick-up, waving what looked like a palm frond at me: "Are you Jewish?" Can someone explain what he wanted me to do?"
Luke says: Nancy, he didn't want you to do anything if you were not Jewish. The Hasidic boy wanted to help a Jew do a mitzvah (divine obligation) - waving the lulav and etrog in a succah.
Nancy writes: Can a non-Jew do a mitzvah? I like doing nice/helpful things for others.
Luke says: A mitzvah means a divine obligation. It does not mean "good deed." Yes, non-Jews can do mitvahs. Judaism holds all of humanity accountable to seven basic laws: Do not deny God publicly, do not worship idols, do not murder, do not steal or kidnap, do not be cruel to animals, do not engage in gross sexual immorality such as adultery, incest or homosexuality, set up courts of law.
But I don't think it would be appropriate for a non-Jew to shake a lulav, unless she was really hot looking and single and in my succah. Then she can shake anything she wants says Rabbi Luke.
Where The Girls Are
I'm thinking of taking an improv class at the University of Judaism in November because so far everyone who has signed up for the class has been female. The earnest and wholesome Brian Fox is the teacher. Tuesdays 7-9PM, Nov 4-25, $60, 310-476-9777, ext. 473.