Actress Laura Harring (Miss World 1985) got journalist Jeff Wells bounced from writing a profile of her in Craig Vasiloff's Razor Magazine.
Wells has written three pieces in Razor -- one on Stanley Kubrick, one on the Wachowski brothers (who directed the Matrix movies) and one on Tara Reid.
Razor's editorial operation is out of Toronto while its head office is in Scottsdale, Arizona, the home of the money behind the magazine, Richard Botto, a former pornographer (KarasXXX.com and Maxcash.com).
I worked for Craig from January 1999 to March 2000 and we've had cordial relations since. I used to chat on the phone with Allison and I met her in Las Vegas in January 2000. We all stayed at the Bellagio.
For years, Craig had an idea for a men's magazine like Razor and once he met Richard Botto, he finally got to make it a reality.
I had a run-in with the Bottos in late 2000.
Jeff Wells met with Laura at a Coffee Bean on Friday, December 5.
Wells ran into Chris McGurk of MGM at a breakfast Wednesday. Chris said she was a hot tamale. She's a pistol. Call up Jules Haimowitz, president of Dick Clark Productions. He used to date Laura on-and-off for 18 months though they never slept together.
Jeff calls Haimowitz. This is standard for any movie star profile. You call people who know your subject to round out the profile.
Wells interviewed director Jonathan Hensleigh of 2004's The Punisher, in which Laura appears.
Jeff showed her his notes from his interviews.
Laura dances beautifully (salsa and tango).
She tried to use her little actress tricks. She claimed her birthday was in 1967 when IMDB has it as 1964.
Wells turned in a piece typical of his moviepoopshoot.com column with an extra emphasis on frat boy randiness as Razor is a frat boy magazine. Razor wanted something drier and more complimentary, like Esquire's "women we love" pieces but at 1500 words.
Razor told Wells to take out all judgment, all colloquialisms, all frat boy attitude. Just make it a nice polite complimentary piece, which Jeff believes he did.
Jeff didn't write the nasty truth about her -- that her career is not going to go anywhere. She had that one flare-up with Mulholland Drive and the cool lesbian scene.
Laura got her manager Evans to call up Razor and get Wells booted from the piece with only a $150 kill fee (for a $1500 piece). Wells spent four days on the piece and thinks a fairer kill fee would be 50% of the original fee of $1500.
Wells told Evans, the manager, that this is par for the course for a manager to manipulate the editorial direction of a piece. We all know publicists and managers choose writers, veto writers...
Jeff feels that Razor should've told him that the fix was in on this piece and all they wanted was a sweetheart piece. Wells doesn't need a Razor magazine piece on Laura Harring as a vehicle for personal expression.
Jeff sent Evans the piece.
"Razor has never even edited me before and now they suddenly say I can't write," says Jeff.
Harring was alarmed that Jeff called her purported boyfriend Jules Haimowitz. Well, it was this boyfriend who planted the idea that Harring was a reincarnation of Rita Hayworth.
Rolling Stone hasn't used Jeffrey Wells for over a year after he published a piece in the magazine based on the highly-guarded script of the future edition of The Matrix (at RS's request). Matrix producer Joel Silver got angry and called RS. Its publisher Jann Wenner has since blackballed Jeffrey.
Craig Vasiloff, editor of Razor Magazine responds:
Even The Nights Are Better
I gave a long elaborate speech to the two ladies checking me in at Mishna and Martinis this week at the University of Judaism.
My punchline? "And now, even the nights are better."
Pause. I look in their eyes for signs of recognition. Nothing.
Time for a final hint. "That sounds like a song."
Girl: "Air Supply."
Ahh, you smiled and I reached out to you. I could tell you were lonely too. One look, then it all began for you and me. The moment that we touched, I knew that there would be two less lonely people in the world and it's going to be fine. Out of all the people in the world, I just can't believe you're mine. In my life where everything went wrong, now something finally went right.
Just to think, what I might have missed. Looking back, how did I exist? I dreamed but still I never thought I'd come this far.
Judaism -- My Best Instrument For Measuring My Depravity
"I'm concerned that the word might get back to the rabbis that I'm a man of dubious morals."
Joseph Joyrides writes:
You mean religion is not primarily a vehicle for helping me love myself a little more?
Luke, I finished the book--all of it--and I can say this much: you are one self-destructive ---. You remind me (more or less) of the title character from Philip Roth's "Sabbath's Theatre."
What follows are a number of comments (off the top of my head) about what I think you need to do if you want to get this thing published.
Put all the personal material in one brief introductory chapter. Just enough to tell people who you are and what you've been doing since you got involved with ----. Go easy on the Jewish stuff. A little goes a long way. And all the stuff about your relationships, etc. detracts from the main story, which should be about the industry, not you. (I'm not saying this material isn't interesting. Much of it was--to me. I just can't imagine a mainstream editor buying it.)
Don't undercut your credibility by saying that you've published lies, or unconfirmed rumors, or that people tell you that you can't write, that you have mental health problems, or that nobody wants to talk to you, etc. Take it all out. Concentrate on telling The Story of ----.
The best part of the book is the transcripts of interviews, phone calls, radio shows, etc. (I'm sure you have a lot more than what I've seen.) You have to figure out how best to organize it--by topic or chronologically. And the only way to do that is play around with material and let it speak for itself. Some commentary is needed for context, to fill in the blanks, etc. But keep it to a minimum and--I repeat--keep yourself out of it as much as possible.
Your strong points are your ability to get publicity; that you're a recognized expert on the industry; and that you already have a book out on the subject. You need to work all this into a proposal and an outline of the whole book. And you need to put together a writing sample: your strongest 25 pages of interviews, etc., with minimal commentary. Double-space it and number consecutively from beginning to end. Take a look at Legs McNeil's book "Please Kill Me." It's an oral history of punk.
I was having lunch with a journalist today. A Conservative rabbi and an Orthodox rabbi who'd just dined together looked at me as they walked out. The Conservative rabbi beamed. The Orthodox rabbi had disgust battling with courtesy crossing his features.
Journalist: "Are you shocked that such a patrician figure as attorney Bert Fields is caught up in this Anthony Pellicano-wiretapping story?"
I laugh uproariously. "I'm as shocked as I was over dinner this week when I found out from a secular Jewish girl that Orthodox guys have tried to put their meat dishes in her dairy cabinet."
But What Blessing Did He Intone?
Cathy Seipp writes: "Cecile and I spent a nice long late afternoon yesterday talking to one of our new correspondents, a very fine man and Orthodox Jew we met through Levi -- or Luke, as he's known when masquerading as the Bruce Wayne-ish, dissolute playboy millionaire and "Industry" expert. Will he go to heaven or the place below? That strange, conflicted Aussie schmo. Afterwards, our new friend said a barucha over Cecile's head, right there in the Beverly Connection Starbucks. I wonder how often that happens."
'Get You Over A Table'
I had dinner with a lady at a nice kosher restaurant last night.
I'm concerned. The place is owned by people I know. And every time I've frequented the establishment, it has been with a different woman. I'm concerned that the word might get back to the rabbis that I'm a man of dubious morals.
Within five minutes of meeting last night, I was telling my new friend that I'd "long wanted to get her over a table." To my shock and awe, she interpreted this as a lewd remark, when all I meant was dinner and polite conversation about this week's Torah portion.
You are right all round. All I can do is pray, observe the Torah, and bring as many women as possible to my shul. How can I help it that my soul is so in love with the Torah that it is hard for me to settle down with a woman?
Jackie, if only you would get with me, it would raise my social standing.
Jackie replies: "I like that line! I think it would work on girls with very low self-esteem. Have you tried trolling beauty pageants? Beautiful girls with no sense of self-worth, and the losers all need "comforting" afterward..."
Rabbi Rabi writes Luke: "Sarcasm won't get you anywhere. You are pushing 40, have never married, and never will - unless you get serious about life, stop blogging, put an end to your mockery of Torah, and marry the next woman who will have you."
Selective Religious Observance
I've been talking to women who are not Orthodox Jews about their experiences dating Orthodox Jews and I've found out things that appall me. It seems that these putatively observant men, who would throw a fit if their date put a milk dish in the cupboard with the meat dishes, are putting their things inappropriately in certain non-observant places. It makes me want to puke.
I gave Cathy Seipp and her 14 yo daughter Cecile 95 theses about how to behave around my Orthodox friend. I particularly stressed that he doesn't touch foreign women. So what's the first thing Cathy does when I introduce her? She sticks out her hand to shake that which has only touched his wife and kids.
Cathy explains to Cecile: "I was forgetting things all day. My head was stuck up--in the clouds. I was tired, I believe. I partied too late last night."
Cecile writes: "The film crew also forgot to capture Luke Ford in his easy Rider look. He did not drown his hair in le mousse ABBA gelle. He seemed to have plenty of Air Supply on his head though. If you enjoy Luke's sentimentality, perhaps you would like to spend many an hour with him, laying down and talking about your emotions in the background of those weepy ABBA songs."
Earlier in the evening, I hear Cathy say to Cecile as they walk into Starbucks behind me, "Where's Luke?"
I told Cathy she reminded me of the character "Miss. Havisham" in Great Expectations. I'm Pip and Cecile is Estella.
Pinchus Ford writes Cathy Seipp: "The Torah man does not covet his neighbor's possessions. He instead looks at them as a reflection of the glory of God that might yet be his if he were to live a more ethical and hard-working life."
Lee writes Cathy: "What if the man you know as "Luke Ford" really were nothing more than an invention of still another man, a man who hired some pretty-boy (well, he was a few years back) beachbum off the sands of Malibu to do his bidding in a distant land and within a hostile social setting? Yes, it is all true. Luke Ford is another man's Gollum."
Luke Ford 2004 Cruise AnnouncementAre you the type of man who likes to have sex with other men? Do you fantasize (a lot) about one day being in the gay "adult" film industry? Do you enjoy listening to Air Supply and ABBA music? Are you a nominally heterosexual man but its been three months since your full (for a honky) lips kissed a woman, and you have thus been forced to rub soft toys against your nether region for sexual release? If so then you're gay or "gay" man and Luke Ford wants to meet you!
Luke Ford Fan Blog and Gay & "Gay" Cruises are proud [sic] to announce our March 2004 cruise to Australia for Gay Mardi Gras in Sydney. Visit Luke's old stomping grounds in the world's most gay-friendly city. This cruise is exclusively for gay or "gay" men. Please no females (women and Luke don't mix well) or straight or "straight" men (manly men scare Luke terribly).
Join Luke on this elite and luxurious cruise. Twenty-seven nights, gorgeous South Pacific Ports, full production shows, sports, games, and competitions, $7995 per person. Space is EXTREMELY limited. Book and deposit now and get an instant $100 per person rebate. Call Luke Ford Fan Blog for more information: 800-522-75-76 or 800-522-75-76.
* Nude Shuffleboard
* Nude T-Dancing [don't ask -- ed]
* Nude Karaoke (featuring Luke's favorite artists from the 1970s and 80s: Gloria Gaynor, Donna Summer, Culture Club, Pet Shop Boys, Wham!, ABBA and, of course, Air Supply)
* Mr Nude "Gay" Contest (judged by Luke Ford)
* Mr Nude Gay Contest (judged by Luke Ford)
Can you say "Nudeorama on the High Seas?" Well Luke can!
Luke Ford Profile:
One of America's most respected thinkers, Luke Ford is an author, lecturer, teacher, and theologian with a nationally know blog originating from Los Angeles.
He is a best selling author who has written one book and thousands of blog entries and newsgroup postings.
He has lectured in 45 US states, 9 of Canada's ten provinces, and on seven continents. For information on bringing Luke to your business, religious, educational, or other group please contact Luke Ford Fan Blog.
We regret to inform our friends that no Luke Ford Fan Blog employees will be able to go on next year's Gay and "Gay" Cruise. We went last year and, much to our surprise, we had an absolutely fabulous time. We especially enjoyed playing nude twister with our new friends "Big Mac" and Brian/Brianna. In fact, we had such a wonderful time that we couldn't stop talking about it to our wives and girlfriends when we got home. We went on and on about how much fun we had being on a cruise ship in the middle of the Pacific Ocean thousands of miles away from the nearest woman -- no nagging, no wild mood swings, no "not tonight dear I'm too tired," no "get off me you clumsy idiot I can't breathe," etc., etc. It was quite a revelation. Suffice to say our wives and girlfriends were not pleased and have prohibited us from going on next year's trip. But we will be thinking of you guys the whole time -- be sure to take lots of photos for us!
Luke Ford Comes Out Of the Closet?Yesterday Air Supply-listening Luke Ford announced on his website: "I should be a fluffer." Not being familiar with this term we visited the Urban Dictionary for assistance. Here is what we found:
Fluffer (noun) a person in the adult entertainment industry whose job it is to give male ---- stars -------- in order to get them ready to perform.We can't say that we're surprised.
To be fair, the word "fluffer" can also, apparently, refer to: "a man who enjoys sex with soft toys."
This too wouldn't surprise us.
Monday, December 01, 2003
You'll Never Have To Write Again
JMT writes Cathy Seipp about Chaim Amalek: "Never mind who he is. Play your cards right, Seipp, and he'll switch over to your blog full-time from Luke's, and after that, you'll hardly ever have to actually write anything yourself."
Cryptic writes Cathy: "Do you know why so many people are migrating over here from the Luke Ford web site? Because we heard that some shvartzes were moving in to the Pico-Robertson area. At least that's what my neighbors told me."
When The Revolution Comes
After saying my morning prayers, I set out from my hovel, Sony Walkman in hand to listen to Dennis Prager declaim against The New York Times and same-sex marriage.
I find myself walking behind young women in pants. The Talmud forbids women from wearing pants and a man from walking behind a woman (it can create lust).
I thought I was stronger than this but there was something about the way the jeans would grip and release each woman as she walked that intrigued me.
Women shouldn't be able to wear pants and tempt me so. Things are going to change around here when the Islamic revolution comes. Long skirts down to the ankles will be de rigeur. No more bare arms and plunging necklines and silky see-through blouses.
As I cross a street, I walk by a tall cool mixed-race woman, wearing glasses, sitting in her sports car. She looks at me without emotion. When I reach the other side, she turns right against the red light and I see the way her seatbelt cleaves her magnificent chest in two. A blast of heterosexual pride seizes me.
It's a good thing I'm not listening to Air Supply or I'd turned into a fool for love and write down her license plate.
Mishna And Martinis
Praise God, there was a wonderful turnout of the fairer sex at the University of Judaism Thursday night.
Khunrum writes: "Bring up the soundtrack...."My Yidisha Ma Ma""
Most of the attendees got sloshed on the martinis and then partook in an energetic discussion of blessings with Adat Ariel Conservative Rabbi Johnathan Bernhard.
It's rare to see people dying to participate in a serious discussion of blessing God for the good and evil in our lives.
I carried around with me Akiva Tatz's book, The Thinking Jewish Teenager's Guide To Life, a gift for Cecile du Bois tomorrow. I ran into a girl, a freshman at the University of Judaism wearing jeans, who sat through three Rabbi Tatz lectures in person this weekend.
Most of the girls I talked to tonight wanted to look at my book. It's a real chick magnet.
Khunrum writes: "This is the kind of stuff that got Michael Jackson in trouble."
Afterward, the coordinator Stephanie said this was the quietest she has ever seen me at any event. That's because I was chatting much of the time with my friend Jessica who'd downed two martinis. "I didn't know you were such a closet perv," she said. "I like it."
Khunrum writes: "Come On Awready....She doesn't read the column?"
I get into an argument with two girls over a blessing. They claim there is one before sex. We consult the rabbi. He says he's never said one before sex and there is no specific one for sex but there are several that could be used if necessary. For instance, the shma (Hear O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one) might be appropriate because it is about merging.
I don't know if it was the alcohol, but I walked out with the following name tags on my pants -- Debbie, Stephanie, Jessica, Linda, and Danielle.
There's a spiritual lesson here. I only came to this event to study the Oral Law but I walked out meditating on other things.
I'm going to incorporate communism into my pitch when I hit on girls -- "Darling, let's move from each according to his ability to each according to his need. Honey, my needs are deep and many."
I might get invited to a girls night to show my 60 Minutes video and talk about my area of expertise.
I'm listening to my third Somerset Maugham novel in the past six months -- The Moon and Sixpence.
Sarah writes Luke:
Luke says: I have met women I wanted to marry but they did not want to marry me. And women who wanted to marry me, I did not want to marry.
The Simple Life - Luke Ford Style
I should be a fluffer, work at the LA Times or one of the Hollywood trades. I could teach at some community college -- a course on "self invention via the internet."
Daniel Liebeskins says: I wonder what the Hollywood Juden are up to tonight.
LF: I'm going to a class - Mishna and Martinis. But why? Jewish women and I don't mix.
Daniel Liebeskins says: I'm celibate. I don't have sex with live women. The Simple Life -- that's where it is at. The meek shall inherit the earth.
Someday I'll have sex with a woman and it will be special in a way you cannot understand. Laugh all you want. Dirty Jew.
You need to watch "The Simple Life." It's really good. It should give you ideas, like a show where a secular Jewish American Princess is forced to live the Luke Ford life in the Luke Ford hovel. For this to work, you will have to dig a mikvah in the crawl space beneath my hovel. Maybe Cathy Seipp could oversee all.
Rudolf Slansky writes Cathy Seipp:
From Shalhevet To Bais Yaakov
Mark, a tenth grader at Shalhevet (Modern Orthodox Los Angeles day school), wants me to play Air Supply's Every Woman in the World for Rachel, a twelth grader at Bais Yaakov (fervently Orthodox day school).
Invoking Eugene Volokh's Name In Vain
I've been exchanging email with one of Eugene Volokh's best students at UCLA. I told her that 'Gene and I would stay up all night discussing the First Amendment and that he liked to read to me the US Constitution by the light of the moon.
I'll keep you posted on how this works.
Next up -- how Mickey Kaus taught me to love Orthodox Judaism.
Eugene Volokh writes Luke: "Well, I'm glad that you seem to have been making a favorable impression on her! Please give her my regards."
Most anything would be an improvement on Connie Bruck's snoozer.
See also: Dennis McDougal
Does He Kiss You Like I Did?
I use the passive verb because I was a passive partner to this event. Alice was sitting near me. She told me to put down my sandwich. She said it was gross.
I swallowed. She got close to me. She leaned towards me, engaged my lips with her lips, and stuck her tongue down my throat.
When I recovered my surprise, and managed to unfreeze myself from fear, I started grabbing at her groin, figuring that any girl who's willing to kiss me so boldly must have no morals.
Alice pushed my hand away. She was wonderfully endowed but I never got to touch those either. In fact, I don't think we ever did anything again.
I was so taken aback that I barely spoke to her for the rest of high school, even though she served as the feature editor in my senior year, when I was editor. My sports editor was Rob Stutzman, now a spokesman for California's governor.
A couple of weeks after this traumatic first kiss, I met a girl on a Saturday night at a friend's place. We went up to a loft and she taught me how to kiss. She didn't just jam her tongue down my throat. She grazed my lips with her lips. She massaged me and sucked me. She had wonderfully slick lip gloss. And over the next couple of hours, she educated me in the arts of love (not past second base).
Perhaps one reason kissing was so exciting in my teens was that I never went any further.
I've been told I'm good. I have thick lips like a black man, not cold narrow Caucasian lips (said my first lover). I'm a jungle bunny in bed, so don't ever call me a racist.
They don't call me "60 Minutes Man" for nothing. I play offense and defense, both sides of the field, for the full game. I'm the Deon Sanders of lovers.
I like kissing a thick pair of warm embracing female lips. I don't enjoy any rush to penetrate with the tongue. I like it when you open up your lips to the soft fleshy insides and glide them against your partner.
I don't like kissing so hard that you draw blood. I'm not into rough. I don't like kissing that place. I like my kissing, like my pop music, gentle and straight.
I remember this chick in Orlando. She told me she was 23. I later find out she was no woman. She was a girl in high school and an unwed mother. Anyway, she had a woman's body and she knew what to do with it.
When we were kissing, she'd rake my back with her nails until she drew blood.
Through another singles ad in Orlando, I met this Jewish biker slut. Her family belonged to my synagogue. Her sister was in my Torah class. She said I talked too much and disrupted things.
I went back to the slut's home. She put me on the phone with what sounded like a sexy women who described in minute detail what she'd like to do to me. I got very excited until I found out the woman was a homosexual man adept at voices.
I haven't kissed anyone for almost three months. I'm going through withdrawals. I can't help that I'm an affectionate guy with a lot of love to give.
How can I be a lout when I write so sensitively about love? You'll never find this amount of self-disclosure on Kaus Files, Instapundit and Volokh.com, the darlings of the chattering class.
The shortest time I've spent between meeting a woman and getting to know her? Three hours.
Average length: Five dates.
"Does he kiss like I used to kiss you? Does it feel the same when he calls your name? Somewhere deep inside you must know I miss you. But what can I say? Rules must be obeyed. The judges will decide. The likes of me abide. The game is on again. The winner takes it all." (ABBA)
A Slut For Jesus
Amy writes Luke: "Hey, which of us chose to walk with God and which of us chose to walk with "a girl"? The vagueness of your answer doesn't surprise me. God created sex for us to enjoy, and if enjoying it makes me a slut, then I'm a slut for Jesus."
On LA Observed, Kevin Roderick headlines this: "Dissecting the groping stories."
But there's no dissecting going on here, only genuflecting to the powerful LAT.
Rachel Smolkin undertakes no investigation of the criticisms of the LAT's coverage of Arnold beyond reciting LAT defenses. She just issues congratulations to the hard-working award winning team of reporters and editors.
How can anyone take her article seriously when she lays out about 100 specific compliments to the Times and its staffers but levels only one mild criticism ("In one instance, an imprecise description was given of the women's accusations")? How is that dissecting?
I don't have a position on the Times publishing the groping stories. And I even assisted one LAT reporter on a sex scandal story about Arnold that didn't pan out. I made a dozen calls for the LAT reporter.
But this AJR Rachel Smolkin story is pathetic -- just establishment media patting each other on the back about how wonderful they are. It reads like a publicity release prepared by the Times.
Smokin writes: "AJR conducted extensive interviews with more than a dozen reporters, editors and other staff members at the Times, including Carroll and Baquet, the three principal reporters and their direct editor on the investigation."
Why then does she never uncover an instance of them contradicting themselves or each other? Smolkin's article completely lacks the ring of truth. Rather it reads like it is written by someone who wants work from the Times.
I don't think I've read a more nauseating media criticism article in months.
Here are the sections that particularly made me want to gag (because they portray the Timesers as one-dimensional selfless servants of the truth rather than as humans):
Hey Tony, I was referring to the people who make ----. The new generation, the 18-25 year old, have far less shame and far fewer compunctions about the type of acts they will perform than those who are older. ---- stars who are 30 tend to look down on the 18 year olds as gross and decadent. ---- company owners who are over 40 generally keep their occupation to themselves when they mix socially.
Relevant writes Tony: "There is no "old Luke" to bring back, Tony. You're simply seeing him for who he is for the first time. (The hypnotizing power of physical beauty is simply amazing.) Why it's taking the blogosphere so long to see him for the unstable train wreck that he is is beyond me."
Luke says: "I'm a terrible narcissist because I found that comment ("hypnotizing power of physical beauty") flattering."
Straight Advice for Women from a Straight Man
I'm launching an advice column on this website for women confused about life. Feel free to email Luke.
Women, why limit yourself to advice from other women when you've got man trouble? Wouldn't you benefit from hearing things from the straight, hetero male perspective as well? Sure you would! That's why this space is for you.
From a sensitive liberal upper west sider living in New York City who shops at Zabars and gets his knishes at Yonah Shimmels:
Chaim Amalek writes: "How about asking that Steve Kroft if he would let me do some commentary on 60 Minutes? Seriously, do you have his email address? Tell him Amalek wants to replace that really old guy on the show. I live in NY, and I work for lots less. If he declines, tell him I know it is because I'm Jewish and he hates Jews. I also suspect that he is a homophone."
Here's the first question:
Luke says: Usually women should let men do the asking out but this is not a universal rule. There are plenty of intermediate options such as asking if the guy is going to a particular event. Usually it is a bad idea for a woman to ask a guy out but sometimes it is a good idea, depending on the dynamics of the personalities involved and their relationship.
Loquacious writes: "I read an article in the Sunday Times (London) this weekend, about how ever person is either an adorer or an adoree, and that when two adorers or two adorees get together, their relationship will never work. Although I think I like being an adoree, I am dissatisfied unless I'm in the role of adorer. But asking a guy out would be a step too far."
Luke says: "I'm a narcissist. I'd suck you dry of adoration and we'd have to proceed from there."
Amy writes: "No! He was the most vanilla guy I've ever, ever been with -- a posh multimillionaire doctor and entrepreneur. We never even talked about s*x, we just had lots of the very boring variety. Also: I have no desire to f--- a guy up the --- with a -------. If he wanted it, I would, but I love being a girl and don't get off pretending to be a man."
Luke says: "Did he kiss you like I would?"
Amy replies: "With the taste of 600 other women on him? No, I can't say he did.
"How come I always end up blushing when I read your site? Next time I see you, you're getting a good slap!"
Luke says: "If we were married, you could bathe yourself in my DNA."
Jackie replies on Cathy Seipp's blog: "Hæmatolagnia doesn't do much for me, and I'd be surprised if it is a practice endorsed by the Torah, Luke. Considering your strong feelings on the niddah status and the importance of the mikveh, I'm surprised you possess such a paraphilia."
When Religion Makes People Worse
Dennis Prager says he has brought people to Christianity and Judaism who became worse human beings after becoming religious. I've experienced the same thing. It's a painful topic.
I had a roommate who went from secular to Orthodox, in part because of me. He borrowed money from me to participate more fully in the Kaballah Center and he never paid me back. He became obnoxious. He spoke ill of me to his rabbi.
I've brought people to Orthodox Judaism who became nastier after they became more observant of Jewish Law. They use their religion as a tool to bludgeon others.
DP: "I remember a kind nonjudgmental young man, about 20 years old. He studied under me. He then became Orthodox. After that, nobody was quite pure enough or good enough or religious enough, including me. I regretted that I ever influenced this young man because he was nicer before he became religious. Now he was sanctimonious about his religion and everyone else was a bunch of sinners.
"I'm thinking of a man who thanked me as a catalyst for his taking Christianity seriously. He became Mr Righteous and everyone else was impure.
"The trait that characterizes these people is self-righteousness, like the longtime smoker who quits and preaches to others against smoking.
"If you don't have emotional balance, becoming religious is not going to fix you."
Luke, Butch Up
Dave Deutsch writes: "I'll write more about a variety of things later, but for now, suffice it to say that, until your taste in music moves beyond Air Supply, the Bee Gees, and Barry Manilow, you really are in no place to denigrate the sexual proclivities of gays. Honestly, Luke... Air Supply? I understand they are your homeboys, but honestly, that's so gay, even gays are embarrassed to listen to it. NAMBLA can get a float at the Gay Pride parade, but they wouldn't give one to Air Supply fans for fear that it would reflect poorly on the gay community. You know that I am a pillar of tolerance, but honestly, Luke, butch up."
Luke asks: Is it OK to love the Carpenters?
Jackie writes: "I dated a guy who REALLY liked ABBA. A man can only be emasculated in a woman's eyes when she discovers such dirty little secrets."
Brian writes: "I tooled around on your site a little, first noticing that you attend a shul with a mechitza, then to your bio, at which time I noted that your father is an Australian missionary, then back to the website to see that you actually chose to be Jewish. Dude. Why? Anyway, since you probably get asked this a lot and probably get even more people trying to score empathy points by noting that you probably get asked this a lot and probably, etc. And actually, I'm not really that interested. But I just wanted to tell you how glad I am to have been skipping along Gawker when I stumbled into your website. Your vast array of insightful profiles will provide me with fascination and enjoyment for a long time."
The Kinky Kike
I saw my shrink. He showed me the results of my latest tests. I LOVE TOO MUCH! He doesn't think there's a cure.
Doctor, doctor, can't you see I'm burning, burning?
After dark, Farmers Market.
"This reminds me of the shuk."
"When I was in the shuk, this Arab grabbed me and he tried to buy me from my friends with hashish.
"I don't know you well enough. If somebody tried to buy me now, you'd probably let them."
"For some nice mangoes. Ooh, look at those firm nectarines."
Mood music: Carpenter's Greatest Hits (1969-74).
"When I listened to these songs in third grade, I believed that life could turn out good.
"It's good to know I've matured from the songs of my childhood.
"Why do you only talk about your memoir but you don't want to talk about your life? Why are you writing a memoir?"
"I feel compelled. My story compells me. Many people have asked me to write it.
"I respond to obligation. I feel obliged to tell this story.
"It's not so much that I pursue stories but that they pursue me.
"I want to enlighten people. I'm doing it for the children. I can see their innocent upright faces staring at me, looking for moral guidance."
The Partridge Family's Greatest Hits.
"Do you write your blog to record the most important moments of your life?"
"No. I don't usually write about the most important moments of my life because they are sacred and private, involving intense relationships. Some of the most important people in my life never appear in my writing. I write out of an inner compulsion that I quell when it relates to certain friends."
"You've had so many relationships. A girl in every port. Why do you think things can turn out differently now?"
"Because I am different. I'm older and wiser. I get more mature every day.
"The problem is - the older I get, the younger I like 'em.
"Not below 18 years though. I hold a strict moral limit there."
Khunrum writes: "No, Michael Jackson's Greatest Hits. Did you hear that Kobe Bryant was so happy that Jackson bumped him off the front page that he sent him another kid?"
I saw Michael Jackson at K-Mart. He heard that boys' pants were half off.
So what's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? One of them is made of plastic and dangerous for kids to play with, and the other is used to carry groceries.
Jackie writes Cathy Seipp: "Forget what I said about you and Luke needing a TV show: you and your sister [Michelle] are the real stars. Ditch the rebbe."
They are at it again: First George Soros, Now the Rest of the Hollywood Kehilla
A Not-So-Learned Elder of Zion writes Luke:
Harvey Weinstein's Miramax
Jane says: "You've got to boil down the transcripts to a paragraph or two. You need to explain and develop the characters. Executive Chick and Peppy are not developed. They are cardboard characters. They need a personality. Kendra is the only girl with any humanity. You don't see why you don't end up with her. Eliminate Nice Jewish Girl. Remove those extraneous comments. You're brave to put this book out there. It's not a turn-on to women. It's the opposite.
"Thanks for using the "bang" word. How romantic! It makes me want to print out these emails and doodle hearts and flowers all over them."
Chaim Amalek writes: "So once again, AMALEK fails to get the credit he deserves from the Jews."
Is Air Supply the greatest analyst of love or what?
Famed music critic J.D. Considine replies: "I much prefer [Burt] Bacharach/[Hal] David. You'd do well to include "This Guy's In Love with You" or "A House Is Not a Home" in your karaoke repertoire. Wounded, sensitive, but hip. And far better chord changes.
"Hal David was Bacharach's lyricist for many years."
America's Greatest Living Hero
Heeb magazine humor editor Dave Deutsch writes: "Sorry I've been incommunicado, but the apartment renovations and so on, have left my life rather hectic. Also, I wanted to get final word on the essay--you've made it into the May issue. You should feel proud that you've overcome your disabil--excuse me, different ability, and written an actual essay. Today, Luke Ford, you are America's greatest living hero."
Why Does Boy Lose Girl?
From Raymond Obstfeld's book Crafting Scenes: "When a couple comes together, each must give up some aspect of his self to form a "couple." It's difficult for selfish individuals to understand that the whole (couple) can be greater than the sum of its parts (lovers).
"The marriage symbolizes the ability of individuals to overcome their selfishness to form a selfless relationship. And if these two individuals can do it, so can the world..."
A Sentimental Education
I've just finished my second book by Gustav Flaubert (the first one was Madame Bovary, even more depressing). All his characters are morally weak and so reminiscent of people I know, even some of my friends (but God forbid, not myself). At the end of Sentimental, the two male friends look back on an aborted visit to a whorehouse as the "best time" of their lives.
I try to go to shul every day so that I do not behave like one of Flaubert's characters. Unfortunately, the morals are handed out with five parts of tedium.
I guess I haven't matured to the point where I understand that doing the right thing means putting up with a lot of tedium, putting your own wishes on hold for higher values.
Malcom Muggeridge says: "Good taste and humor are a contradiction in terms, like a chaste whore."
In America - Best Film Of 2003
David "Hot Button" Poland's right again.
I had lunch Sunday with Cathy Seipp at the Farmer's Market on Third Street and Fairfax. Then we went to the pictures at the Grove.
Cathy selected a cramped seat. I've got long legs and felt uncomfortable. Luckily the nice girl near us moved her stuff, so I could stretch out.
I explained to Cathy that men do not like to sit next to each other. If you can, you like to have a spare seat between you and the next fella in case you accidentally touch and get the creeps. Cathy pointed out a bunch of men in the theater sitting next to each other. I explained they were gay.
Cathy says I'll never marry as long as I have my van. She thinks making out in the back of my van is disrespectful to women. What about my hovel? She thinks that's only a slight improvement.
Good thing I'm a poor pious Jew and I don't make-out with chicks.
I've seen endless previews for In America for about a year and I've had no desire to see the film until Poland told me over Thanksgiving that it was the best film of the year.
There was hardly a dry eye in the theater at the end. The most compelling moment came in the dedication.
I argued with Cathy about the virtues of pleasing a mate vs being cool. I say if a mate wants you to wear something dorky or do something silly, and you're committed to the relationship, you do it even if it does not appeal to you. Cathy says it is more important to keep your dignity.
For instance, birthdays and Valentine's Days and the like are meaningless to me. But if I want to stay in the good graces of my girlfriend, I observe these silly rituals. Same thing with flowers.
I think I disagree with Cathy about almost everything non-political, if only to goad her. I look to put on my sweet fakely sincere voice and say the thing most opposite to my real beliefs and see if she will catch me.
This, however, I truly believe (to Cathy's chagrin): Real men do not remember the birthdays of anyone they are not sleeping with.
I have great wisdom on relationships because I've had so many (none lasting more than a year) before I took my vow of chastity.
Lucky for you, dear reader, I've been unable to form stable relationships, else I would not be able to discourse so eloquently about the solitary man, left with nothing but his Bee Gees and his A Sentimental Education.
My sources for inspiration on these matters include Air Supply, Barry Manilow and the Torah. Remarkably, they tend to agree on the important questions.
Now that we've eaten Greek food together and seen a tearjerker, Cathy and I have done everything a man and woman can do (it took our friendship almost two years before I had the courage to call her on the phone), aside from IM.
Jack writes: "Men not sitting together in movie theaters is just another example of why they don't show movies over urinals in the men's room -- gotta leave a space.
"When are you moving out of your hovel and in with Cathy?"
As soon as she lives within walking distance of my Orthodox shul.
Stop Sniffling In Shul
It was bad enough that a Conservative visitor (with a gorgeous woman just on the other side of the mehitza) took my seat this morning, before 9AM, but when I sat next to him, he was not only lousy conversation, he sniffled the entire time. He kept snorting his cold fluids back into his brain so they wouldn't drip on his prayer book.
I wouldn't complain only this happens all the time in shul. Men with colds sniffle the whole way through the prayers. Sheesh, don't come to shul if you have a cold. If you must come and you feel the need to sniffle, go outside, blow your nose, and then come back in.
And don't get sharp with your elbows at kiddish.
And if you go to an OBGYN, don't write on your blog about how you got it in both holes without noticing.
I feel like a Christian missionary among Jewish savages.
I spend much of my time in shul outside chatting with the wholesome Gentile security guards.
I've been reading this Gustave Flaubert novel about a young man of middling talents who wastes his young adulthood dreaming about romance. It reminds me of myself. I sit at home listening to Air Supply and try to write a book about myself.
J.D. Considine writes: "Then by all means, don't read Dreiser's American Tragedy. You need to be careful about which young men of middling talents you identify with..."
Or I'll watch a movie, like Shattered Glass or Sunset Boulevard, and again I see myself as the protagonist.
Sometimes I think I think too often about myself and I should rather devote my talents to fundraising for needy Jews in Argentina.
Jane writes: "Well you've also had fatigue problems anyway, so it's not surprising you don't like to stay up late. Imagine when you have a family! I've been staying with friends and waking up to feed their baby at 5 and again at 8 every morning. Then again, your fertile Jewish bride will be the kind who will never expect her man to soil his hands with women's work and childrearing..."
Luke's Fallen and He Can't Get UpMedical Alert: Could a kind soul please rush over to Luke's hovel and see if he is okay? We fear that upon reading the pleasure Cathy Seipp takes in having "both orifices" [her words, not ours] probed [at the same time?] by her gynecologist, the poor fella may have fainted and tragically struck his head on his computer desk.
Why do Luke's friends torment him so?
Buy Luke Ford's Autobiography Today!Do you have a big Luke Ford fan on your Christmas shopping list? No? How about a moderate Luke Ford fan? No again? Umm ... Do you know someone who may have seen Luke Ford on the E! Channel or CBS's "60 Minutes" and would like to learn more about this fascinating man? What's that you say, everyone you know switches the channel whenever his face appears on their television sets? Let's see then ... I know ... Do you have an enemy that you want to buy the worst possible gift for just because you hate him (or her) so very much? Yes? Good, because we have just the gift for you!
Luke Ford ex-Fan Blog and Eighth Commandment Publishing are proud [sic] to announce the release of Cretin: The Luke Ford Story in ebook format. For just $9.95 (plus $2.95 shipping and handling) in America and $17.95 (plus $4.95 shipping and handling) in Australia, you can read Luke Ford's life story in his own (ill-chosen and improperly punctuated) words. Email us for our PayPal account information so we may promptly ship Mr Ford's book to you on CD in either Microsoft LIT or Abode Acrobat PDF format. Please specify your preferred format at the time of purchase. (Bulk ordering discounts are available upon request.)
Study Luke Ford's "progression" from being a kooky Adventist Christian as a child to being a kooky Orthodox Jew as an adult. In addition, learn all about Luke's descent into the wacky world of "adult" journalism. You will want to read over and over again Mr Ford's account of the time he had his head bashed repeatedly against a lamp post in East LA by some humorless thug [this was our favorite part -- ed].
Reviews for Cretin: The Luke Ford Story:
"Rubbish!" -- London Review of Books.
"Absolute rubbish!" -- New York Review of Books.
"Absolute f#cking rubbish!" -- Gary Bauer, President of the Family Research Council.
"Absolute f#cking rubbish, I mean F#CK! I know I swear a lot, even for a communist, and I'm trying to be more lady-like lately in the hope of attracting a man, any man really -- except for Luke Ford, that is -- but I can't f#cking help myself. This was the worst f#cking book I've ever come across. It has really put me into one of my moods. Would someone give me a cigarette? I SAID, WOULD SOMEONE GIVE ME A F#CKING CIGARETTE? Oh f#ck, I'll get one myself. F#CKERS!" -- telephone interview with Rebecca Schoenkopf (aka "Commie Girl") OC Weekly.
"Best book I've read, or glanced at, this morning!" -- telephone interview with Vito "Slick" Vitale, CEO Brylcreem® Hair Care Products, Nov 29, 2003, 5:41 am.
Thursday, November 27, 2003
Bad For The Jews
Skippy McButter, confirmed bachelor and Log Cabin Republican living on Sutton Place in Manhattan, writes:
Why Can't Orthodox Jews Hold Abstinence Rallies?
Why do Christians have all the fun? Let's get down with Torah and hold within our sinful urges until we're blessed by holy matrimony.
Yaakov writes: "Levi: Don't forget to deliver the gifts or I will instruct Miss Cathy to cut off your greasy hair while you sleep. And you know what happens to mildly potent blokes after that. Gut'n Shabbos."
If He's Not - Who Is?
Who Won The Power Struggle? The President
Dennis Prager remembers how the late Los Angeles Herald Examiner wouldn't run his column criticizing LA Times cartoonist Conrad because it had a policy of not attacking its rivals. American newspapers don't like to criticize each other.
The vast majority of the press establishment is bored by reporting news. They wish to shape your understanding of the news. The presidential surprise trip to Iraq on Thanksgiving robbed their opportunity to shape the news.
Why wasn't 13 reporters enough for Bush to take along? Because it didn't give the NY Times weeks to report in advance that the president was seeking a photo-op in Iraq, that he was trying to "bolster his image." That's what the press wanted to do and the president, with his surprise trip, robbed them of that opportunity.
Reporters no longer want to report, they want to shape your attitudes. They see themselves as an alternative to political power. They see themselves as more powerful than simply reporting. On this occasion, they feel beaten by the president. Who won the power struggle? The president did and we are pissed.
Because talk radio is a dynamic medium, there is criticism in real time. You call up and have your say. You can't call CBS News and get on and say why Dan Rather's report was slanted.
In his happiness hour, Dennis Prager asked what was it you most wanted from your spouse to feel love. Not one man would call up and say sex. Society has feminized men. It's not a kind word and a soft touch that men most want from their woman. They want sex. But they won't say that out of shame and fear.
More To Femininity Than Fecundity
Marcus Wolf writes Cathy Seipp's blog: "...[B]ut fecundity is the core of being a woman. Without it (and the traditional values and behaviors that support it), humanity would vanish in a generation. Smart-ass remarks, ball-busting, and professional success are no substitute for being a good supportive mate and mother to a man's children. American Islam understands this. The modern secular Jewess of America does not, which is why her genes are rapidly vanishing from the scene."
Miami 40, Dallas 21 (Ha! Ha!)From ESPN:
Dallas (8-4) has lost three times in six games. The Cowboys have fallen out of a first-place tie with the Eagles in the NFC East, and out of a four-way tie for the best record in the conference.Perhaps G-d is sending Mr Ford a message? Bad things happen to people (via their favorite football teams) when they insist on violating His Eighth and Tenth Commandments. I'm expecting more Dallas Cowboy defeats until Mr Ford starts to change his very naughty behavior.