Eve Kessler kindly pointed out that I used some racist language
below. That was not my intention and I am very sorry. It's
just that I've walked the mean big city streets for too many
years now and the language of those I've associated with has
rubbed off on me.
In many ways, I regard the black, brown and yellow man as
my superior. The Oriental for his inscrutable dedication to
science. The black man for his easy masculinity and athletic
prowess. The brown man for his work ethic. They make me want
to be more than I am.
Shul today was a deeply moving religious experience which
makes me want to be more than I am. I read and finished Nathan
Englander's FOR THE RELIEF OF UNBEARABLE URGES (nothing in
it to make me think a second time) and still had time left
over for Barchu, shma, repetition of the Amidah, the rabbi's
drasha, catching up with friends, and an hour-long conversation
with the shiksa security guard.
Cathy Seipp writes: "The mean big city streets...of Pico/Robertson.
Gosh, that sure does sound mean and scary! What happened --
did a yeshiva boy shove you on his way to shul?"
The best
posters on Frum Sex: Oy_it's_so_humid, and maybe heimish25
for frum stuff, aronteitelbaumrules for dirty stuff. one900s
likes to argue semantics and science. The group is four years
old, and gets up to 60 posts a day.
I keep hearing that I should ditch this blog in favor of
my old website format, and that blogging is for losers. What
say you, dear readers - is blogging for losers? Am I not a
winner?
Mike Alb0 writes: You say you like live shows, but can't
find any good ones in the Greater Los Angeles area that you
can afford?
Well, I've got the perfect solution for you.
I went up to Griffith Park yesterday and visited the Los Angeles
Zoo. Okay, the zoo's undergoing some construction and there
are some animals like gorillas that have been shipped off
to other zoos until their habitats can be finished, but the
zoo still has chimps a-plenty.
As a friend pointed out, "Things just go better with chimps."
I suppose so. Those suckers have no inhibitions and provide
hours of entertainment for those of us with juvenile mindsets.
I just wonder why the zoo, which plasters the exhibits with
signs like "Did You Know...?" and "Why Does This Animal...?"
Doesn't put up a plaque at the chimp enclosure that reads
"Daddy? What Is That Monkey Doing to The Other Monkey?" and
then offer possible explanations. I think it would help parents
handle what was, for most that I observed, a very uncomfortable
experience.
"Once a cheater, always a cheater: True or false."
Almost all the people interviewed said it was true.
But could you be a little more specific when you say, "It
wasn't the same?" What do you mean? Do you not trust one another
as much? Or do you have better sex as a result? Or less-frequent
sex? Or what?
I know of one woman who left her husband after she found out
he'd been cheating. She used to let him go out to strip clubs
and go out with his buddies and travel around for business
whenever, and she never questioned his activities - she was
the cool wife.
But now, she's got a long-term boyfriend, and she keeps him
on a much tighter leash. She's not as permissive, because
she knows the dangers lurking out there that can tempt a man
away from his happy home.
So even relationships that occur *after* one of the parties
cheated can be different.
He’s been said to have “calm of the Dalai Lama, and the charm
of David Niven,” but lately, Luke Ford’s apple has definitely
lost its blush. Whispers following recent appearances by the
former male model manqué once known as the “glossy Aussie”
hint that his increasingly erratic behavior and physical deterioration
are signs of some sort of severe mental and/or physical condition—most
likely syphilis. A phone call from a close personal friend
of Ford’s, however, suggested a different reason. “Luke is
distraught,” revealed my source, one of the coterie of distaff
journalists who flock around the handsome expat, “It’s all
because of David Deutsch. Deutsch is a funny guy, but sometimes,
he goes too far. And his comments regarding Luke and Mexican
immigrants are just way off base. He cares so much for legal
Mexican immigrants, and Deutsch’s comments really hurt him,
but he’s too much of a tsaddik to talk about all that he does
for them.”
This reporter, for one, was dubious. Luke Ford, caring about
Mexican immigrants? Luke Ford, who, after one wag dubbed him
“the kosher Pat Buchanan,” quipped “No, he’s the treyfe Luke
Ford?”
“I know it seems hard to believe,” I was told. “But don’t
take my word for it. Go to Boyle Heights and ask around.”
Still waiting for the punchline, I did just that. Hungry,
and hoping to kill two birds with one stone, I stopped by
the unassuming Gonzalez Taqueria, and found myself eating
the best burrito I ever had. I informed the gentleman behind
the counter who I assumed to be Mr. Gonzalez of that fact,
and was stunned by his answer.
“Gracias, but don’t thank me. I owe it all to my friend, Senor
Luke.”
“Not Luke Ford?” I inquired.
When he heard the name, his face lit up. “Si, si, you know
Senor Luke? He’s an amazing Mexican chef, and he not only
showed me how to make this burrito, he got me to switch from
lard to vegetable oil.” He turned to show me his profile.
“I’ve lost 50 pounds. And he provides the kosher certification.”
He pointed to the wall, and sure enough, there was a certificate
bearing Luke’s own kosher symbol, the “Porn K,” a silhouette
of a well-endowed young woman with a “K” in the middle. I
asked the gentleman if Luke’s position on illegal aliens bothered
him.
“Bother me?” he exploded. “It’s because Luke cares so much
about us legals that he feels that way. Look, there used to
be this woman who sold food from a cart down the block from
my tacqueria. She paid no taxes, she paid no rent—she was
killing my business. Luke called a contact of his in La Migra,
and the next day, she was gone. He’s a savior, and I’m not
the only one who says so. Go over to Gonzalez Garage and ask
them about Luke.”
I did just that. As I entered, the crowd of vatos working
on the low-riders started to size me up, and it was clear
that they found me wanting. It was an uncomfortable moment,
until I mentioned Luke’s name.
“Ese, you asking about El Jefe? Why didn’t you say so,” said
the group’s apparent leader, a young man named Chino who,
unlike his peers, had no tattoos. “El Jefe is our man. When
I was in prison, Luke came around to counsel us—he’s the one
who convinced me that it was wrong to make marks in my flesh,
and paid for my tattoo remova. And when I got out, and I couldn’t
get a job because employers would rather higher a damn illegal
than an ex-con, Luke talked to his peeps in the industry and
got me a job as a key grip, and now I’m learning to be a best
boy, so I’ll be an’ effin’ double-threat. You wanna know how
we feel about El Jefe? Look around this garage. What kind
of cars we drive?” I looked around, took it in, and he smiled,
proudly. “That’s right…all Fords. But hey, you really wanna
get the 411 on him, check out the Gonzalez School for Children
of Legal Immigrants. El Jefe is probably there right now.”
And indeed, he was, but by the time I got there, he was absent.
Fulsome praise for Mr. Ford, however, was definitely in attendance.
The school’s headmaster, Jorge Ochocoa told me that without
Luke, the school wouldn’t even exist. “These are children
who weren’t being served by the public schools. Not only were
those schools understaffed and ungodly, but the children of
illegal aliens were taking all the good education. By the
time it came around to these kids, all that was left were
gerunds and antonyms. How are they going to succeed with that?
But El Angel—that’s what we call Luke here—arranged with somebody
in his synagogue to donate this old building as a tax write
off—he was going to burn it for the insurance money, anyway,
and, until we could raise the money, Luke taught the kids.”
Luke Ford, teacher? Even after all I’d heard, I was skeptical…until
Mr. Ochocoa showed me the pictures, and the awards Mr. Ford
had won.
“But you know, when Presidente Bush gave Mr. Ford this “Points
of Light” award, Luke said to him. “Mr. President, you have
it wrong. I’m not teaching them, they’re teaching me.”
As I drove away from Boyle Heights, I couldn’t help but thinking
that all of us—and especially David Deutsch, whose support
for illegal aliens may have something to do with allegations
that he employs low-wage Dominicans in Washington Heights
to grade papers for him—have a lot to learn from El Angel…Luke
Ford.
Forward
assistant managing editor E.J. Kessler (who used to work the
paper's religion beat) writes Protocols: "[A]m I the only
one who thinks all that stuff in Luke's post about 'Muslims,
blacks and Hispanics pouring out babies' and 'using their
vaginas as cannons' sounds racist? Luke, dear, if women are
procreating, it is part of God's plan. God does not care what
religion or color they are. Nor should you. I defy any rabbi
to tell you differently, and if he does we should expose him."
I reply: Eve, dear, is it part of God's plan to have women
outside of marriage give birth to children who will disproportionately
commit crimes and other social pathologies? Is it part of
God's plan for women who want to destroy the Jewish state
and for their children to blow themselves up killing innocent
Jews to have more kids?
Eve, dear, do you think illegal Mexican immigrants and their
children will be as friendly to Jewish interests as those
legally here and raised with American values?
Sometimes things can be racist and right. Even Jesse Jackson
says he would be more scared to run into a group of young
black men at night than a group of young white men.
Eve Kessler responds: "The answer to your questions are, yes,
yes and yes, bc we can't know God's providence. The point
was about your language, dear. I didn't say your utterance
WAS racist or makes you a racist. I said it SOUNDS racist.
By the way, you could have gotten 10 awards for your work
with Mexicans and still SOUND racist. Your utterance is also
pointless, bc there's not a damn thing you can do to stop
the phenomena against which you rail. So what's the point?
To denigrate people? To get Jews to scowl every time they
see a pregnant black or Muslim? Such language will not motivate
anyone to create a single new Jewish child. To quote Stevie
Wonder, 'Love's in need of love today. So don't delay. Send
yours in right away.' PS, I would never have bothered to write
the comment if I thought you were an irredeemable racist.
It was a product of my affection."
I marched with Martin Luther King in Selmba Alabama so that
blacks could have the right to vote. I was arm-in-arm with
Abraham Joshua Heschel. After King was shot, I cradled him.
When I wanted to give tours of scenic Los Angeles, legal Mexican
immigrants volunteered to help me out to repay my kindness
to their people (I often buy fruit from their street vendors).
Kaspar Gomez writes Luke: Halo! My cousin Hector wants to
know if you would be interested in providing your guests with
food. We could follow you around LA with our taco wagon to
serve your guests authentic Mexican cooking and sodas. Also,
we can provide you with janitorial services, in case someone
on your tour bus has any sort of an accident.
Fischel Teitelbaum writes Luke: Shalom Chaver! How was your
Shavouos? Normally, this is a very happy time in Brooklyn,
but not this year, not in Crown Heights. The grandaughter
of the Satmar Rebbe and her baby were killed in a fire started
by some candles. Then, yesterday, four Bobover yeshiva buchers
were stabbed by a gang of 15 peurtoricans. Maybe connected
to their big parade on sunday. Lots of peurtoricans. Lots.
Oy, these people are even worse than the colored. And the
emes is that lots of them are colored!
What do you think Luke, do you have peurto ricans in Los Angeles?
I hope not! I still want to move to Los Angeles and meet your
hot and sexy porno girlfriends! Mazel tov on your new tourism
business. Could you use a tour leader to tell the tourists
what they are seeing? Fischel could do that! I could go on
a few tours and then i would pick up all they say and see.
Then you could sleep late, daven late, study torah while I
work as employee nomber one!
DISCLAIMER: Mr. Ford is a 38 year old Australian immigrant.
He has never been married, lives in a hovel, has been expelled
from half a dozen synagogues and an uncountable number of
women's lives, drives a vehicle which by itself is estimated
to account for close to 30% of the hole in the ozone layer,
was formerly the porn industry's lead gossip columnist, currently
has no discernible income, his most lasting work seems to
be his quest for morbid obesity, and by almost any objective
standard, contributes far less to American society on any
given day than your average Mexican migrant farm-hand or slaughter-house
worker.
I recently finished John Howard Griffin's 1964 expose on
racism, Black Like Me. As my learned readers know, Mr. Griffin,
a white man, describes his experiences during his travels
through the American South all the while disguised as a Negro.
Interestingly enough, he did not score with any white chicks
during his entire charade. How the times have changed.
His book gives me a possible idea for a new book. Maybe I
should update Griffin's premise and live as an urban Negro?
My insights could help finally build a bridge between the
Orthodox and Black communities.
I am intrigued, but a nagging question remains .... Could
I even pass as a schvartze?
Anon writes: Luke? Pass as a black? Let me see ... He has
a gun. He loves white p*ssy. He has no job. Hell, he qualifies
as a NAACP member already.
JimmyD writes: I think you're sort of on to something, but
you're missing the obvious. You should write a book called,
"Jew Like Me." After all, you've already
spent considerable time passing yourself off as a Jew. Now
you can publish those experiences from a Gentile's perspective.
Many of you have seen the movie Rabbit-Proof
Fence (2002) about half-caste Aboriginee children who
were kidnapped from their Abo parents and educated to act
like whites.
My story is similar but opposite. Before I was nine months
old, Aboriginees stole me from my Christian family and raised
me in captivity in the outback where I learned to play the
didgeridoo.
This afternoon I will be blowing my didgeridoo on the Third
Street Promenade in Santa Monica to raise money so I can afford
a wife, kids and the full Torah lifestyle. Please drop a quarter
in my yarmulke and God bless you.
My new friend Peter told me this week that Aboriginees are
the ugliest people on the planet. I could not disagree. But
when he argued there was no "Aboriginee ----" or "Aboriginal
----" on the Internet, I knew he was wrong. Today I Googled
both terms and Peter is right. There is no such thing on the
Net. Must be racism.
Fletch writes: Aborigines do not have sex that is why. They
unlike most humans on the planet, spawn from holes in the
ground.
Ene writes: On the plus side you could pay the content girls
in glue and/or white out.
Shelly Crash writes: Content producers dropped the niche when
national geographic ruined the market.
Ben writes: We've often thought of it. There are plenty around
on the north coast.... There are a number of things that turn
you off the idea tho...
First there really aren't that many good looking girls. Most
have diabetes and are quite large (traditional diet includes
lots of nuts and not the same fats), very few look after their
skin or blow their nose for that matter. There are some very
hot girls tho... Quite rare...
Second it's a really close knit community and you would expect
it to get back to their cousins, uncles, brothers, sisters,
pops, grans, etc etc. Some of which would in a drunken rage
drive a car full of cousins from the reserves anywhere they
thought there would be a fight. If you live somewhere where
aboriginals live
then chances are it's too small a place to go messing with
it.
Third there is no market for it.... Unlike the US where black
girls are considered to be sex machines.... here.... well
apart from the cultural divide there is a lot of angst on
both sides still and it will be many years before intermarriage
becomes more common.
In Australia we have a lot of different issues compared to
the US situation. Here there were a lot of massacres and the
government policy all through the years has been designed
to f--- them over.... The law fights against the government
and so
you end up with whites losing land and such... So there are
plenty of pissed off people on all sides.
Am I so wrong? I want her to be my mommy and more. I bet
that she could really shape up my life (not to mention my
bottom line). That she told a reporter to "shove it" just
increases her allure in my eyes.
Last week, I caused a bit of a storm with an interview I gave
to a journalist named Luke Ford, who is writing a book on
Jewish journalism. During the interview, Ford asked me professional
questions about arts coverage in Jewish publications, as well
as my personal views on religion. Since I was raised in a
Modern Orthodox home, most of these questions centered on
whether study and interest in the arts are properly cultivated
in Orthodox communities.
Curiously, Ford took a detour to ask about my observance of
the laws of tzniut, or modesty, which in many Orthodox circles
are interpreted as requiring women to wear skirts that cover
their knees and shirts that do not reveal their collarbones
or elbows. I’m still not sure how or why the interview went
in this direction, but it did. I was quoted as saying:
“If I go into a shul, I’m going to be dressed appropriately.
But I walk around in pants and shorts. I feel like modesty
is more about your character than about what you wear....
There are ways that you can cheapen yourself, and make people
feel that you are usable in any number of ways — professionally,
emotionally, psychologically, sexually. That is what I mean
by immodest.”
The remark provoked a flurry of responses on Ford’s Web site,
including this particularly pugilistic post:
“I would submit that someone who [substitutes] their own definition
of modesty and tznius in place of and instead of the definition
offered by Chazal (ancient rabbinic sages) presumes that they
know [m]ore than Chazal. Moreover, the fact that Ms. Newhouse
supposedly developed her mind at Barnard illustrates the danger
in allowing the average child to attend and dorm in an environment
shaped by post Modernism, MTV and multiculturalism. The average
[Modern Orthodox high school] grad can’t handle the shock
to their values.”
Hafter Princess writes: "Luke is this Alanas answer to my
question whethher her definition of modesty allows premarital
sex? It seems that she opposes the fact that the rabbis speak
out against premarital sex. Does this mean in her liberal
view of MO it is OK? And no one should mention that the halacha
forbids it?"
I think that is her answer. That society, and the Jewish community,
should not worry about protecting feminine virginity -- intellectual
and sexual. I must disagree.
First, I will set aside the question of Jewish Law in answering.
Everybody knows that Jewish Law holds that men and women are
fundamentally different, with different responsibilities,
that they should be given different educations, and that the
glory of the woman lies within (in the home she creates with
her husband and children). I agree with Jewish Law but I won't
invoke it in my response to Alana's column.
Second. Civilization must hold women to a different sexual
standard than it holds men if it is to survive. Men must know
who their biological children are or most men won't stick
around to help raise them and support them and their mother.
This is also why civilization must stigmatize, if not, in
some instances, criminalize, all forms of sexual expression
outside of heterosexual marriage, including masturbation,
hookers, pre-marital sex, homosexuality and pornography.
Third. The most important question for any civilization is
what do you do with them. Men are the instable part of the
equation. As far as religion goes, you must reserve certain
rituals for men only or men will drop out of the religion.
For society, you must allow men to gather alone with other
men (such as was the case in service clubs). Once you start
allowing women in, men will drop out. Men do not like to compete
with women. Once women pour into a field, it loses its appeal
to men.
Fourth. Look at the disaster created by women, particularly
Jewish women, pursuing higher education. They are not getting
pregnant and having babies. While
Muslims and and blacks and Hispanics are pouring out babies
(using their vaginas as cannons while many Jewish women use
their's as toys, in the words of Chaim Amalek), many of them
out of wedlock, whites and Jews are not reproducing at a replacement
rate. Europe is doomed and America is threatened. If you think
an America that is increasingly Hispanic and increasingly
populated by out-of-wedlock children will be an America friendly
to Israel and the Jews, you are naive.
If you think the world is going to be a better place because
Europe is dying (not reproducing) and must import Muslim immigrant
laborers from Second and Third World countries, you are naive.
These problems are largely caused by modern feminism and this
suicidal push for "equality" in the workplace and university,
so that women get graduade degrees instead of children within
marriage and men, who don't like to compete with women, get
alienated from polite society, and have to go to stripclubs
to bond with other men.
Does this mean that I think it is automatically wrong for
women to take leadership roles in society and politics and
religion? No way. Women of merit should succeed according
to the level of their abilities. See Margaret Thatcher and
the prophetesses in the Bible. I just think we should stop
propagandizing women that what really counts is graduate degrees
and professional success rather than marriage and children.
I also think that we should end all anti-discrimination laws
so that Jews and blacks and men can choose to live with and
associate with and hire and fire who they want.
As for education, I do not think it is a good idea to give
boys and girls the identical curriculum as is done in some
Modern Orthodox day schools such as Shalhevet in Los Angeles.
I don't think most females are suited by nature to studying
Talmud. Generally speaking, they would be better off in home
economics classes and learning how to please and appear to
defer to a man (boss him around at home all you like discretely,
but don't cut off his balls in public). Jewish women would
do well to learn from the examples of their asian sisters
who rarely contradict and demean their men in public, and
let their man feel like he is in charge. They still control
him, but they exercise this control discretely. Also, many
Asian women, as well as many Persian women I know, seem to
genuinely enjoy cooking and cleaning, and these are loves
that we should be cultivating in Jewish girls.
"I keep seeing this term ‘Frum.’ Can somebody please clue
me into what the hell that is?" wrote Jeff, a 30-year-old
regular on the site.
................
How come none of the Jewish papers were clued-in enough to
write this story? Do you see the qualitative difference between
these New York Observer pieces and the crap filling Jewish
weeklies?
As the shabbos queen approaches, I continue to have some
questions for her. But she never answers back, so maybe some
smart yeshiva boy (I cannot accept the idea of a yeshiva girl)
could help me out here:
1.Why is there a rabbinical prohibition against summoning
an elevator or turning on a flourescent light on the Sabbath?
2.Why is it forbidden to turn on a simple radio, particularly
one that does not generate a spark when switched on? Once
switched on, is a torah jew like me permitted to adjust the
volume? (I'm thinking of patenting radios for religious jews
that are technically "on" all the time, but with the volume
turned down. When the shabbos queen makes her entrance and
you want to listen to a ballgame or the news, you just adjust
the volume control without creating or terminating a circuit.)
3.Why is a Jew permitted to own a carpet, when walking on
a carpet on a dry day will generate a static electical potential
that discharges with spark, sound, light, and heat when the
Jew touches a door knob? (I'm thinking of selling a line of
plastic doorknows and bathroom fixtures for those who tremble
before electricity.)
Also, whatever you do, do
NOT fail to real my wedding planner blog. It is never
too soon to start planning for that glorious day beneath the
Chupa. Who should I get as caterer?
Joe writes: While I'm not sure if you're sincere in your question
- especially since it doesn't appear on Protocols where people
who might have an answe would read it - my understanding is
that the most comprehensive guide to the laws of electricity
on shabbos is found in: "Shabbat and Electricity", by Rabbi
LY Halperin. It may be out of print, but probably could be
found. And while I'm not an expert in halacha or in electricity,
I think the prohibition is not of creating a fire, but of
boneh, which is building.
You can't know the real Luke Ford without knowing all about
my quest for a wife. You can read all about it at Luke
Ford Seeks a Wife Blog, including many important things
not available elsewhere.
Cybercelebrity Luke Ford needs a lot of things, but most of
all he needs a wife.
Luke also has written a just-published book about a species
of bottom-feeders known as Hollywood producers, a creature
with which yours-truly often must break bread.
My friend Rob saw a hot woman at the bank. He followed her
as she drove off. At a stop light, he drove up next to her
and got her phone number. I admire that. I could never do
it.
Now, she's a Lefty and Rob's conservative, but through force
of will and charm, he's made her his girlfriend. She was to
be his date tonight to the Hollywood Bowl to hear the music
of Brahms and Beethoven. Awesome seats, 30 feet from the stage.
Rob said we should meet at the bowl at 6:30 p.m. for a picnic.
The concert started at 8 p.m.
I know Rob has a tendency to be late, so my date and I showed
up at 7:15 p.m. No Rob. I call him on his cell. His date has
cancelled. He's bringing "Canonical Ken," a lawyer in the
Roman Catholic legal system (he's not a member of the CA bar
nor does he have a secular law degree).
Date and I hang out in the Japanese Gardens with the Japanese.
Along with the Chinese, they are my favorite type of ethnic
Americans (because they get good educations, devote themselves
to family and rarely have kids out of wedlock, unlike
some other groups).
Rob and Ken show up at 8:20p.m. It would be fine to be mad
at Rob, and frankly I was, but he bought me this apple pie
health bar and I was overwhelmed by the awesomeness of our
seats.
Canonical Ken's family used to design cross-bows. That's nothing.
I was Hustler magazine's A--hole of the Month.
After the concert, Ken, who makes frequent visits to the Gregorian
University in Rome, gets on his cell phone.
"Are you calling the Holy Father?" I ask. "Hey, Holy Father,
rockin' Essa Pecker Solomon show tonight. Good enough to raise
Jesus from the dead."
I was told to knock it off with the Holy Father routine. Tough
crowd.
Rob can't find his car or his valet. I told him to just give
his ticket to the nearest Mexican and all would be fine. Five
minutes later, Rob finally takes my advice and we're on the
road.
Canonical Ken drives with a maniacal jerkiness that would
make the rack seem like a massage.
"Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ!" I find myself screaming over
and over again. I know I should be reciting the shma, "Hear
O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one." But it is Jesus
who keeps coming to my lips as Canonical Ken careens down
Hollywood Blvd at 40 mph weaving in and out of traffic.
That I cry out the wrong name for the divinity makes me fear
that my conversion has not been genuine and that my soul remains
untamed. Whenever I screamed "Holy Moses," it did not feel
authentic.
My girlfriends, even during my atheistic years, noted my extreme
religiosity during moments of high passion.
You can take the boy out of the Church but you can't take
the Church out of the boy.
Rob says I'm a drama queen, needy for attention.
Rob and I resolve to learn Latin together so we can study
Canon Law and Virgil in the original. We'll make firm appointments
on a regular basis. That way I will know that no matter how
frantic my life gets, I will be sure of having plenty of time
to myself.
Rob rushes off. His GF is looking after a dying person in
the hospital and will be staying the night. He wants to bring
her an air mattress. I think that is sick.
While Kerry failed to address some of the issues that most
concern me (gay marriage, transgendered rights, and the war
on drugs), he did do a credible job of articulating a set
of values and aspirations that I, Luke Ford, can get behind.
Plus, it turns out that his father was really Jewish. I would
endorse him outright right here and now, but that might anger
some of my friends, and I value friendships more than I do
politicians.
Still, I have one question about this man that haunts me:
is he good for the Jews? Is George W. Bush?
Oh yeah - I almost forgot. Is he good for the United States
of America?
I sit and ponder my recent dearth of female contact and
cannot help but wonder if this is all just part of G*d's divine
plan for me.
Am I being forced into the lifestyle of Shomer Negiya (the
traditional Jewish custom of not touching a member of the
opposite sex before marriage)as part of a divine plan that
will lead to my hotly anticipated marriage?
As I watch the convention on CSPAN and look out over this
sea of brown and black faces, I cannot help but wonder: is
my race doomed? They flood into my country unimpeded by any
sense of racial consciousness on the part of the people who
build this civilization. The breed prodigiously, and here
I sit, alone in my hovel, begging white women to mate with
me. The future looks bleak for our kind.
John Kerry has married twice; Luke Ford, not even once.
And each time, John Kerry has hooked up with a staggeringly
rich women. Luke Ford lives in a hovel. I want you, John Kerry
(and I know for a fact that you read this blog), to teach
me how to find a rich broad and get her to marry me.
It is not a rare moment when Cathy will look at me and say,
"Why are you so chubby?"
"I can't help it," I respond. "It's my hormones. It's my genes.
It's my physiological response to this fallen world."
"Well," she'll harumph, "that's not logical." And she'll proceed
to spell out in detail why it is not logical for me to be
chubby and why I should take better care of myself and exercise
greater care with my choices.
I can't tell you how many times I've been chubby and then
Cathy has argued me out of it.
I've been somewhat remiss in blogging about this convention
and its highlights. I would have to say that for me, the highlight
thus far has been watching the darkies dance with the white
folks. I look forward to watching them sway together, arm-in-arm,
before the evening is over.
I always plan ahead with my writing - far ahead. So even
though I am still working on a book on Jewish Journalism,
I'm thinking ahead to the next book in the series. Right now,
I'm leaning to writing a book on Jewish criminals: mafia money
men, Russian mobsters, etc. If you know of any Jewish criminals
(say from shul, or Federation events), please drop me a note.
I've figured myself out. I think that there are several
of me, combined in a mixture much like isotopes of Uranium.
I need to figure out a way to separate myself out into Luke-235
(distinct from the more plentiful Luke-238), so as to make
a bigger bang in this crazy world of ours.
MTV is to be condemned for encouraging an atmosphere of
easy promiscuity on television (and thus in our culture) with
hardly ever mentioning the more probable consequences, like
STDs. MTV is the plaything creation of Murray Rothstein, better
known to you goyim as Sumner Redstone.
From
a review on Alexa.com: Luke Ford is a tasteful and thoughtful
site. Each day the author shares his gentle musings and tentative
"dating" adventures with his dozens of readers, each of whom
surely must be the better for it. One complaint: More pictures
please!
Dinner With Peter Stuart, Cathy Seipp,
Emmanuelle Richard
After 30 times eating at trafe restaurants, I finally got
Cathy Seipp
into a kosher restaurant Wednesday night. She was dressed
sluttily as usual, with a sleeveless top and a dress that
flounced a few inches above the knee.
Peter Stuart (who knows Cathy from their UCLA days in the
late '70s) is a volatile Beverly Hills Jew who's turned conservative
in his old age and doesn't mind saying what he thinks.
He was playing basketball with this 11yo Orthodox boy the
other day. The older brother came out in a big black hat.
"Is that a Muslim hat?" Peter asked.
(Peter spent years in France and learned to hate Muslims.)
The kid said no. "We don't hate Muslims," said the kid. "We
hate terrorists. We only hate those Muslims who hate us."
"Do you think Muslims in Muslim schools are taught to only
hate Jews who hate them and want to murder them?" asked Peter.
"Mom!" cried the kids when faced with this troubling point.
Peter took off.
Cathy Seipp writes: "For the record, while it's true that
my skirt (formerly Cecile's skirt, but she's at camp) is above
the knee, only in the bizarre mind of a porn expert/converted
Orthodox Jew/Seventh Day Adventist preacher's son would it
possibly be considered slutty."
My Argument With Andrew Silow-Carroll
Over Yossi Klein Halevi
I've been feeling surly lately, going off of people right
and left. I went off on Yossi Klein Halevi earlier this week
when he ran away from my questions.
Andrew
Silow-Carroll, of New Jersey Jewish News, writes: "Luke's
unhinged response to Yossi Klein Halevi proves why YKH was
right to be wary of Luke's views on Lashon hara. (Full disclosure:
I've met Yossi a few times, but otherwise I don't know him
well.) YKH may not approve of Lashon hara, but at least when
he engages in it he puts it through the rigors of journalism,
which demand that a writer carefully research his case, assemble
his research as accurately as possible, and allow the subject
of his research to respond to charges and characterizations.
That may not fly with the rabbis, but it would with a good
editor, and journalism is not the beit midrash. If you want
to see the difference between loshon hara and journalism,
compare
Luke's unsubstantiated allegations that Yossi is in the tank
with Sasha Weinberg's rigorous takedown of David Brooks in
Philadelphia magazine."
I respond: "Andy, apples and oranges. What I am doing so far
about Jewish journalism and what that Philly mag piece did
on David Brooks is like comparing talk radio to NYT journalism.
We're working in different mediums. I have not attempted to
write a comprehensive fact-check on Yossi, so your comparison
is not valid. I gave impressions, which is what bloggers do,
and I gave the raw material of emails."
Andrew Silow-Carroll responds: "If that's what bloggers do,
then that's what's wrong with blogging. If my "impression"
of a certain cop is that he is taking bribes, do I just go
ahead and post it on my blog? If I suspect a rabbi is diddling
his students, do I just throw his name out there as apederast?
Maybe, per LSAT, I don't know what Loshon hara is. but do
any of these apply: Rechilut? Tale-bearing? Motzi shem ra?
Even my lowly Reform upbringing taught me that to destroy
someone's good name is to commit a kind of murder. Does that
mean a Jew can't be a journalist? Perhaps, if this was a rabbinically
run theocracy, or if every Jew accepted the teachings of Chazal
as binding. But it isn't and they don't. But at least journalism
has an implicit (and yes, too often breached) ethical code
that demand its practitioners seek both sides, weigh the evidence
fairly, reveal the evidence accurately, and hesitate before
reporting a damaging "impression."
I reply: Andy, step up to the plate and list the ethical violations
I supposedly accused Yossi of. Please list where I trafficked
in lashon hara with regard to him.
I said I had an impression from our emails that he was deferential
to people in power who could help him.
Outside of our emails, I know Yossi Klein Halevi never breaks
stories. To break stories, you have to risk damaging cozy
relationships with sources.
I did not accuse him of anything like the ethical breaches
you name in your post.
To take up your points specifically:
* Blogging is different from newspaper journalism as newspaper
journalism is different from talk radio which is different
from poetry. They are different mediums, which is why your
comparison of my instantaneous post on Yossi to some piece
in Philadelphia magazine where the author spent, probably,
hundreds of hours, was wrong.
Blogging can be like newspaper journalism as can talk radio
but the mediums inherently veer in different directions. That
is ok. A camel is not bad because it is not a donkey. A blog
is not bad because it is not as thought-through as a New Yorker
essay.
* Can one ethically post an "impression" that a cop is taking
bribes (without any evidence)? No.
* A rabbi diddling a student (with no evidence)? No.
* Did I destroy Yossi's good name? Of course not. I gave our
email exchange in full (except for bits I edited out for the
sake of Yossi and his precious sources). I linked to his books.
I quoted supportive statements by admirers (which take up
far more space than my criticisms). If that is destroying
someone's good name, I hope it is done to me a hundred times
a day.
* I did seek both sides. I got Yossi to respond via email.
I reported his side. I reported the side of his admirers.
I linked to his work. And I offered up some tentative criticisms.
* You wrote: "Luke's unhinged response to Yossi Klein Halevi
proves why YKH was right to be wary of Luke's views on Lashon
hara."
There's no lashon hara (referring to unnecessary gossip about
someone's personal life) in my report on Yossi. I don't delve
into his personal life. I offer tentative critiques of his
professional life. So no, he had no reason to run away from
my questions of him and you have no reason for supporting
(on the basis of lashon hara concerns) his running away from
tough questions. Transparency and accountability are good
for Yossi Klein Halevi as well as the Jewish Federation.
Donnis Shacks - Killer, Friend To Movie
Producer Steve Bing
From ABC News:
B O S T O N — As Sens. John Kerry and John Edwards arrived
in Boston today for the Democratic National Convention, so
did the California man who is their single biggest contributor.
He
is Stephen Bing, a wealthy film producer who, with little
fanfare, has managed to steer a total of more than $16 million
of his money to Democratic candidates and the supposedly independent
groups that support them.
Democratic Party officials said they knew nothing about the
man who law enforcement officials tell ABC News is Bing's
friend and business partner — Dominic Montemarano, a New York
Mafia figure currently in federal prison on racketeering charges.
Montemarano has a long criminal record and is known to organized
crime investigators by his street name, Donnie Shacks.
"Donnie Shacks' main activity was murder. No question about
it. That was his main function for the Colombo family and
for organized crime in general. He was one of the top hit
men in the New York area," said Joe Coffey, a former NYPD
investigator.
According to The Los Angeles Times, Bing paid Montemarano's
legal fees after his most recent scrape with the law. Montemerano's
lawyer said his client was an employee of Bing's.
After a recent private lunch with Democratic vice-presidential
candidate Edwards, Bing also declined to answer questions
about his relationship with Montemarano. "The American people
have a right to know who's funding their presidential candidates
and their parties," Lewis said. "The Bing situation shows
us how little we really know."
"I met with an official and I told him about a meeting I had
in a Manhattan Cafe. I was with some high ranking wiseguys,
who are into bid-rigging construction projects. They were
talking about getting a breather from the assault by the Feds
on the Families. They were hoping that the War on Terror would
help them. They said they would need another five to seven
years to put everything back on track. The official told me
they would get it. He told me that more and more resources
are devoted to terror cases and less to major crimes.
"I was hanging out in a bar last night and my friends and
I were discussing the presidential race. Clinton came up.
We all laughed, because a friend of ours who is made and now
[the Los Angeles] underboss [Tommy Gambino] gave Roger Clinton
a 50,000 dollar check and a Rolex to help his father get a
parole. His father who I know as Sal was a major player in
the Pizza Connection and dumped tons of heroin on the streets
of the US. It was all swept under the table."
This is
Dominic (Donnie Shacks) Montemarano [convicted Mafia killer]
and Elizabeth Hurley. Donnie is bald with glasses. Moments
after this they went into the theater and watched A Night
at The Golden Eagle. This was on the Paramount Lot.
Steve Bing was also there, Tommy Gambino and sister, Donnie,
Uncle Artie and Vinnie A. This is right before the Roger Clinton
scandal.
It's curious ABC made no mention of where Bing got his money.
They make it sound like his film producing made him wealthy.
Not so. He received a whopping inheritance from his grandaddy,
who also had quite a few shady business partners of his own.
Bing has lost a lot more money than he has made producing in
Hollywood.
Bing's bodyguards -- and why does he need bodyguards? -- are
big thuggy-looking goombas who look like they walked out of
The Godfather.
Bing is a bored little rich boy who likes to play writer/producer
and also likes to hang around with moviestars and mobsters.
He's the proverbial poor little rich boy who has to buy flashy
friends because he's otherwise far too dull.
I emailed her an interview request July 27 for my book on
Jewish journalism: "I'd like your views on what are the primary
obstacles to producing compelling journalism on American religious
life. It is often said around newsrooms that the religion
beat does not go to the best and brightest."
Teresa replied: "I don't feel really qualified to comment
on Jewish journalism, other than to say that I enjoy both
the Jewish Journal and the Forward and find American Jewish
journalism to be the highest quality of all American ethnic
media I monitor. I'd like to pass on your interview request,
but would certainly love to see your book when it's out.
"If you'd like to interview someone about religious journalism,
my colleague Larry Stammer and former Times religion writer
John Dart would be excellent choices."
I replied:
I appreciate your suggested alternatives though I am sure
you know as well as I do that Larry Stammer is a crappy reporter.
You also know that you are perfectly qualifed to talk about
the difficulties of reporting on American religion, if not
specifically Jewish religion, and that if your subjects refused
your interview requests with "I don't feel qualified," you'd
feel fully qualified to be annoyed with them.
Journalists ask other institutions to be transparent and accountable
but you obviously don't hold yourself up to the same standard.
I've read a lot of your reporting on Jewish topics and I know
you have many interesting things to say.
When LA Times reporters (there have been a dozen over the
years) have turned to me for help, I have always given it
to them. I've never refused an interview request (but once).
I consider it a professional courtesy. And so should you.
Teresa replied:
An impressive attempt at guilt-tripping me but so far I'm
several weeks late on a promised interview with a master's
degree student who has been patiently waiting for me to help
him with his thesis on reportage about Muslims and 9/11, including
questions about many of my stories. As you can see, I am more
than happy to be "transparent and accountable," time permitting.
You specifically started your email off by saying you're writing
about Jewish JOURNALISM -- a subject I do not, in fact, feel
qualified to talk about since I only read the JJ and Forward
sporadically.
But now I am annoyed at your annoyance, your presumption to
tell me what I'm qualified to talk about when you don't even
know me, your insinuations that I refuse to be "transparent
and accountable," along with your slam on my trusted and most-valued
colleague, Larry Stammer. He is not a "crappy reporter," as
you put it -- among other things, he has broken national stories
over the sex scandal this past year and is a perennial finalist
in the RNA's national journalism awards.
He has covered the Jewish world far more than I have during
the past several years, which is why I referred you to him.
I replied:
I wanted something that you could've provided if you had cared
to give 20 minutes of your time.
My only remark about your qualifications was to protest your
protest at your lack of them for my book.
You wrote: "I don't feel really qualified to comment on Jewish
journalism..."
I replied: "You also know that you are perfectly qualifed
to talk about the difficulties of reporting on American religion..."
That's no slam on you or presumption on my part.
I am sure there have been times in your journalism career
when you were annoyed with people you wanted to interview
who protested that they were not qualified to speak to you.
You probably thought, if not said, let me be the judge of
who to speak to for my story and I won't tell you how to run
your business/affairs.
You may be right that I have missed the boat with Larry Stammer.
I've read him for years. You also know that my view of him
is widely shared in the LAT newsroom (though we may all be
wrong).
You also know that you wrote the most talked about piece of
journalism on American Jewish life (Wolpe, Exodus) of the
past five or ten years.
I do not know your level of transparency and accountability.
I do not know how many interview requests you have given.
I do know that I never recall reading anything more than a
cursory quote of yours and I'm pretty well read on these topics.
So if you have been giving interviews, they've been pretty
well hidden.
I do know that as a rule, at the LAT and other major papers,
journalists such as yourself widely refuse interview requests.
I think that is wrong. About half the time when I am interviewed,
and that has happened hundreds of times in the past six years,
the interviewer has asked me not to write on him, which is
amusing and sad.
Teresa replied:
I gave interviews to whoever asked for them when the Exodus
story broke, including Rob
Eshman of the JJ, the Jerusalem Post and the now-defunct
Jewish newspaper in the valley whose name escapes me. I am
asked several times a year for interviews by college students,
usually journalism or religious studies majors, and usually
grant them depending on how frenetic my life happens to be
at the time.
When people tell me they're not qualified to speak, they always
provide an alternative, which I follow up with gratefully
and graciously. Perhaps a few times I sweet-talked them into
speaking to me anyway, an art you might work on honing.
In any case, I officially left the religion beat a year ago,
let my RNA membership lapse, do not follow religion news so
closely anymore except for American Muslim affairs. I'm supposed
to be moving into ethnic community stories, and that's where
I've been putting much of my psychic energy of late, even
though I have some leftover religion stories that are set
to run in the next few weeks and still help occasionally on
the religion page. The paper's two official religion reporters
are Larry and Bill Lobdell, another wonderful writer, in Orange
County. Part of the reason I passed on your interview is that
much of this stuff is fading very quickly from my aging memory.
People have been terribly unfair to Larry, including the New
Times and L.A. Weekly and people in my own newsroom who have
slammed him in those pages and not had the guts to own up
to their sentiments. He's the most knowledgeable religion
writer in Southern Cal, and a wonderful, kind, collegial and
decent person as well.
...........
Yehupitzer writes: "I think you were unfairly harsh to Teresa.
She politely declined and then politely offered some suggestions.
You then threw a hissy-fit. If I was her, I would have been
tempted to write back "f*** off". She might have
been tempted as well, and then held herself back when she
realized you would
post it all."
Everyone says I need a makeover. Cathy wants me to makeover
my housing and transportation; Chaim wants me to makeover
my blogg; and the rabbis want me to makeover my soul. I'm
going to start with the simple matters first: this blog.
First off, the name "Your Moral Leader." Too "in your face",
as others have commented. What else might this be called?
I am calling forth for proposals for naming this blog. The
winner (if female and hot) gets to spend a night at the hovel.
Gentle Readers, I look upon my ever dwindling pile of shekels
and I wonder how I might impress any potential marriage candidates?
My straits are dire indeed. The simple facts are that marriage
requires courtship, courtship requires dates, and dates require
money.
Begging, like working, is certainly beneath me so I am initiating
Your Moral Leader's first annual coupon drive. The coupons
that you donate to me will multiply the effectivity of my
severely limited funds. Simply put, your 2-for-1 dining coupons
will double my number of dates, thereby doubling my potential
for a blessed love match.
Remember, only coupons for eating establishment with suitable
kosher and vegetarian menu items will be accepted. I would
also appreciate any free samples that my readers might have
laying around of Grecian Formula, Japanese slim fit condoms,
and pharmaceutical samples of Levitra.
Women who have dated emo boys report being turned off by unsolicited,
uncomfortable disclosures.
When the banker called Ms. Hackemann after their ill-fated
third date, he said, "You know, I’m a communicator, and I
bring things up."
"It was too much relationship talk too early about nothing,"
she told The Observer. "It had a feel of him being a little
controlling in a way: From now on, if I’m a little bit late,
he’ll be really hurt. It puts this huge pressure on you. And
you want to feel relaxed when you’re on a date. That was the
worst feeling of it. It made him look so weak and unattractive
in my eyes, and maybe a little bit messed up."
Victoria, a spangly-topped bartender at the Village Idiot,
rolled her eyes as she recalled her last date with an emo
boy: "Before we even went out he said to me, ‘I’m really great
in relationships, but I have a small penis.’"
"A guy told me during our first date that he had a small penis!"
echoed Lorrie, a 35-year-old editor. "Why would you do that?
It’s bad enough finding out the natural way, but for the love
of God!
--------------------------------------------------------------
For the record ladies, I would never say such a thing about
myself, for as Rabbi Hillel once said, "If I am not for myself
then who will be for me?"
Protocols
is mentioned in the latest Jerusalem
Report. The cover story is Jew vs Jew. On page 45, a piece
in In and Around column says, "...Luke Ford, a convert to
Judaism and son of a Christian evangelical, maintains the
site's (protocols.blogspot.com) quirky flavor on topics including
his conversion and the insularity of Orthodoxy, as this "group
of Jews endeavors towards total domination of the blogosphere.""
It is a striking observation, one that might evoke suspicions
of historic, theologically based Christian antisemitism. But
Soloveichik, a scion of an illustrious rabbinical family,
has this to say about the nun: "She was right."
Chaim Amalek writes: "Time spent in a classroom is time
not spend fornicating and making babies."
Khunrum writes: Come now Chaim. Who is going to support these
babies? Let's take the Advisory Committee and Luke as a control
group. Robert seems to be the only responsible marriage minded
family man among us.
I can't speak for all but my disposable income is going to
EVA Airlines, The Nana Hotel and Annie's Massage and Bath~House,
not on some yenta harpy and two brat kids.
That leaves you, Luke, The Counselor and Master Weisblott.
Slim pickings for a needy gal in search of a husband I'd say.
Ha! ......Would a Nice Jewish Girl want to bring up her brood
at Luke's hovel? They'd have a better life and more opulent
surroundings at a homeless shelter.
The problem for these women is the same~same whether it be
Australia, the USA or the world. Someone has to pick up the
tab for this alleged domestic bliss and more and more guys
are saying, to quote the prophet Dylan, "It Ain't Me Babe"
I heard Cathy Sunday night on the His Side radio show with
host Glenn Sacks. The other guest was humorist Bruce Stockler,
a former joke writer for Jay Leno and the author of I Sleep
at Red Lights: A True Story of Life After Triplets.
The show was billed as revolving around Cathy's National
Review article on Silver Lake dads who want to be congratulated
for doing the stuff mothers take for granted.
The show did not play out as it was billed and little of directly
concerned Cathy's article. She was largely left with little
to say. Bruce Stockler was hilarious and stole the show.
Cathy showed admirable taste in not getting into the details
of why her husband left and why they divorced. She was discrete.
She was witty. She was Cathy. She's the Queen of All Media
with her MSNBC appearances.
I get an enormous amount of traffic from her blog and the
number of her Internet references equal mine (and I've been
blogging since 1997 and she's been blogging 14 months). I'm
sure her website is getting more than the 2200 hits a day
I'm bringing in.
It was good show tonight. The discussion was civil and funny.
It was billed as more confrontational than it was. But as
Cathy Seipp would say, to know me is to love me.
Cathy said, in effect, that if she had fallen for Glenn while
he was looking after his kid (Cathy says a man who only looks
after his kids and does not provide materially for the home
is not attractive) that he would've left his wife for her.
Glenn called her arrogant. He wasn't the first.
I feel that it is fair to say that the Orthodox Jewish culture
is greatly misunderstood by the general public. Our conservative
style of dress and modest public demeanor is often misconstrued
as dour and stodgy. Mainstream America is completely unaware
of the many thrills and joys that fill our daily lives. This
must be rectified!
My remedy is a new compilation video of scenes from Orthodox
Jewish life that I call "Yids Gone Wild." I am soliciting
all of my Orthodox readers to submit home videos of your Orthodox
Jewish experience that you would like included in my educational
DVD.
I must remind all contributors that only Orthodox activities
will be considered. No secular behaviors, male/female dancing,
or videos containing immodest styles of dress will be accepted.
So what are you waiting for? Bust out your 1987 Bar Mitzvah
tape, your son's briss, Uncle Morty's wedding. The world is
waiting.
(All submissions become the intellectual property of lukeford.net
and cannot be returned.)
On the one hand, Kerry is the son of a Jewish man. On the
other hand, Bush has lots of fully Jewish men working for
him, and has done everything asked of him by the Jewish establishment.
Why so many Hollywood Jews seem to detest Bush is something
of a mystery to me.
I find myself wondering if perhaps this might be the case.
After all, it would seem from the recent (and not so recent)
scandals to rock the Jewish world here that all one need do
to win acceptance within the Jewish establishment is throw
a lot of money around, and then all sins are forgiven (or
at least hushed up, which is almost as good). On the other
hand, for poor, working class Jews like me, no sin is ever
totally forgiven or forgotten. I think we could learn a thing
or two from other faiths in this regard.
