Last night was the last class in a six month program to create a solo show.
LIST THE FEARS AND DOUBTS THAT KEEP ARISING:
* I have a hard time getting as excited about describing the good things I’m doing as opposed to recounting the nasty things I did. When I talk about sex, I light up. When I talk about my sobriety, I drone. There’s just a depression and sadness about me when I’m not acting out.
* I’m struggling turning my show into a series of distinct scenes. I find it easier to tell what happened rather than to show what happened.
* I fear droning. I fear monotony. I fear not having enough action and song and dance to keep things interesting.
* I fear no one will show up.
LIST WHAT I’VE LEARNED ABOUT MY CREATIVE PROCESS
* I’m learning to connect from the stage to my audience.
* I’m learning the importance of making my story come alive. There needs to be action and reaction, dramatic movement, change, rising tension.
* I’m learning how hard this is.
* I refuse to use class to rehearse my play. I always want to break new ground. I don’t like hearing people do the same thing over and over. I don’t want to subject anyone to that.
* I’ve learned the relief of setting aside my play for weeks at a time.
* I’ve learned the power of vulnerability, how it sucks people in and connects you.
* Analysis is a powerful lure for me but it takes me out of the present moment.
* I hate to listen to anyone lecture me (unless they’re a member of the few I’ve selected for this).
* How hard it is for me to keep up sustained eye contact with my audience. I keep wanting to look away.
* It’s difficult for me to be on stage and performing and to simultaneously come up with new material.
LIST MY TRIUMPHS
* I performed my play Feb. 3 despite adverse circumstances.
* I love the feel of connecting with my audience. I love it when everyone is listening and interested in what I’m saying. I love showing sides of myself that people haven’t seen before, that they don’t realize existed.
* I loved going on a couple of podcasts to talk about my play. It helped me to clarify what it is about.
* I love it when people have questions for me about what I’ve said.
WHAT I WANT MY AUDIENCE TO FEEL AFTER MY SHOW
* That they learned something useful. That they were moved and provoked to re-examine some of their comfortable ways of thinking that don’t serve them. That they looked at some of their relationships with new insight.
* That it made them want to try psycho-therapy and/or 12-step work.
* That they want to tell other people about my show and to take me to dinner and invite me to cool parties and to fly me around the world and to give me a cool job/TV show/magazine column/book deal.
* That they want to be friends. That they feel a connection to me.
WHAT DO I WANT TO FEEL WHEN I TAKE MY BOW?
* That I did my best. I want to feel satisfied and exhilarated.
