Pia Mellody On Co-Dependence

Everyone talks about co-dependence, but was it?

Pia Mellody says: “Co-dependence is a disorder of immaturity caused by childhood trauma. When a child lives in a family of origin that is less than nurturing, their development gets retarded. Their body may be 30 but inside, they’re five.”

“When you’re 30 and you replicate a trauma, you might go back to being five. That’s the nature of co-dependence. Retarded development.”

“You never get over this illness. It’s the nature of man to experience these symptoms.”

“The co-dependent does not know how to love themselves from within. They experience a fluctuating sense of value. They’re depending on the universe to determine how they’re going to feel about themselves. They’re other-dependent for their sense of value. If you look to the universe to determine your value, you are going to get positive and negative things. So your internal sense of value fluctuates with what the external world is telling you about yourself.”

“If your self-esteem is going up and down, it means that you are other-dependent.”

“In the disease, I see myself as more-than or less-than. In recovery, I’m ok, you’re ok.”

“In the disease, you have trouble being who you are. You define yourself as bad or good depending on how you measure up.”

“In a dysfunctional family, a child is shamed for being imperfect.”

“When a person becomes allergic to who they are, they have trouble knowing who they are and being real. When they get in touch with the reality of who they are, they get a shame attack and feel worthless. You’ll start shrinking and want to hide yourself and not tell anyone who you are.”

“I live in reaction to who you are is a deeper disturbance.”

Mark Smith says everybody has addiction and compulsion problems and lists 11 of his own:

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Does Promiscuity Make Women Happy?

From what I have seen, the ideal number of sexual partners for a lifetime is one. The more partners a person has, in general, the more screwed up they are.

In my experience, the more sexual partners a woman, the more messed up she is (in an obvious and marked way that is often not true for men). The deterioriation wreaked on promiscuous women is often revealed on her face and figure and psyche. For a woman, every new sexual partner is like losing a petal off her rose.

I’ve noticed with promiscuous men that they develop a more cynical attitude to life with every female conquest but they don’t seem as messed up as ladies who sleep around.

The gorgeous journalist Catherine Rampell writes for the Washington Post:

Last week I wrote about a study that looked at marital quality (essentially a measure of how happy couples were a few years into their marriage) in light of couples’ premarital histories. The report, which tracked 418 young couples in the several years following their marriage, found that certain prenuptial behaviors (like having kids out of wedlock) were associated with lower marital quality.

One association the authors identified was particularly unsettling: “the more sexual partners a woman had had before marriage, the less happy she reported her marriage to be.” The same was not true for men…

It might be tempting to interpret the above findings as indicating that “promiscuous” women are doomed to have unhappy marriages. I have serious philosophical issues with that conclusion, but there are methodological problems as well.

I suspect Ms. Rampell took this study personally, as women are wont to do.

This reminds me of Steve “Sailer’s Law of Female Journalism: The most heartfelt articles by female journalists tend to be demands that social values be overturned in order that, Come the Revolution, the journalist herself will be considered hotter-looking.”

As for the argument that everyone does it, I don’t think that’s true. Seventh-Day Adventists, for example, don’t tend to do it before marriage, nor do most Orthodox Jews.

Here’s a great blog post:

Men are geared from the get-go for poosy variety (though not all men will fulfill their directive and not all are geared in fifth) and therefore have the cortical capacity to easily tolerate the comings and goings of numerous lovers without having a breakdown or fretting constantly about how well new lovers match up to old lovers. Men occasionally reminisce about a teenage fling, but they don’t endlessly bemoan that one “alpha female” who got away like women are prone to do with their long-gone alpha male lovers.

This is why a man with a promiscuous past is not necessarily a bad bet as a marriage prospect, and also explains — along with the fact of maternity assurance — why women don’t care as much about men’s sexual histories as men care about women’s sexual histories. A man can sample the slits and furrows of outrageous fortune and survive the whirlwind of passion to mark a day in the future when he contentedly and without pathological second-guessing slips into a stabler, longer term commitment.

Women who have sampled a poo poo platter of penes accumulate emotional scars that never heal; promiscuous women have a mental storage closet filled with five minute montages of alpha male love, and these exciting, prurient memories rob the female id of something important. Call it purity or innocence or self-worth or ability to appreciate romantic idealism, the slut with ass chafing from riding the cock carousel is never the same as she was before she let herself get pummeled by dick. No uxorious beta male she settles down with in nuptial risk will have power over her senses like her past alpha lovers enjoyed. She is damaged goods

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Are Jews Going To Fall For Another Scam About Black African ‘Jews’?

Background on Ethiopian Jews in Israel, whose average IQ is 63 and whose descendants will assimilate about as well as American blacks into first world civilization.

Report: When I had met Pinchas in Abuja, Nigeria’s federal capital some four months earlier, he had emphasized that one of the biggest difficulties facing the country’s roughly 2,000-3,000 Igbo Jews is their isolation from other Jewish communities around the world. I had been considering that difficulty ever since I returned to Rhode Island.

The Igbo, whose traditional homeland is in South-Eastern Nigeria, is one the country’s largest ethnic group. Most of them are Christians, but many Igbo, even while practising Christianity, consider themselves ethnically Jewish and members of the lost tribes of Israel. In the past few decades, several thousands of Igbo have gone a step further and embraced Jewish practice, which they view as their lost heritage, though so far, only a small number have undergone formal conversion.

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Ask A Mexican

Dear Mexican: I see lots of Mexican-Americans struggling in grade school and high school. Many Mexican-American activists claim it’s because they don’t speak English at home or the schools don’t teach them well. But I see lots of Asian-Americans in the same schools who do really well. Many of them also don’t speak English at home. The last time I went to a hospital, it seemed like Asians were 30% of all the doctors. I didn’t see a single Latino one. Why is it that one group consistently does better than the other? I don’t understand.

Gustavo Arellano replies: Dear Gabacho: Because Mexican students are stupid, while Asian students are geniuses—that’s what you and your ilk want to hear, right? This pregunta always busts me up, because no matter how many studies activists can offer examining the myths of model minorities and Mexican apathy toward academics—variables, educational background of parents, socioeconomic conditions of neighborhoods, the quality of schools blah blah blah—Know Nothings dismiss the facts. That’s not what they want to hear, and they don’t even care about solutions to the education gap. So I’ll just say it again to please ustedes: Mexican students are stupid, Asian students are geniuses. Happy? Of course you are! However, just because you wish something to be verdad doesn’t make it so—and if you don’t believe me, go see what happened to Mitt Romney’s dream of Mexicans self-deporting.

FROM THE COMMENTS:

Jim writes: The average IQ of Mestizos is not terribly different from the World average of about 90. However the psychometric evidence clearly shows that East Asian populations have average IQ’s roughly one standard deviation above the world average. Extensive IQ testing in countries like Japan and Korea substantiate average IQ levels of about 107-108. As for the average IQ of the Han it would be nice to have more data but clearly urban areas like Hong Kong and Shanghai have average IQ”s near 110.

People become very emotional about the differences in average cognitive level between different human populations but such emotionalism does not change the facts.

Barchester: “Strangely enough, the average Mexican’s intelligence is about 1 standard deviation below North Asians and Northern Europeans, which is a lot. This amazing fact explains why they do poorly on all international tests and why Mexicans have invented NO technology worth mentioning, or anything else for that matter.”

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Is America The Greatest Enemy Of The Spiritual?

Rabbi Mayer Schiller in a 1999 interview: “Today you have Europe and North America as the center of this techno-secularist crusade which seeks to impose itself on all other races and peoples across the globe. Not only did it strip the cosmos of God, it also chose to war against every kind of traditional identity and memory. The effect of Western Civilization in the world today tragically in that having abandoned its own identity and traditions, they now want the rest of mankind to also abandon their identities in their embrace of techno-global emptiness.”

If you strip out the terms “Europe” and “North America” and “Western Civilization” and substitute “Jews”, and you would have a common anti-Jewish argument articulated by such thinkers as Kevin MacDonald.

Rabbi: “Is James Joyce conceivable without the great tradition of Catholic Europe and Ireland? One is not born in a void. James Joyce is particularly a product of an Ireland that is a particular people rooted in its past and its history and its faith.”

“I think America, whether in its own abortion mills or in straddling the globe trying to impose its particular befuddled version of secular capitalism on mankind, America today is the primary enemy of the spiritual.”

“Peoples aware of themselves as peoples, and aware of themselves as peoples before God [are the primary carriers of the spiritual]. In America, many minorities are people with a greater sense of the spirit and of identity than the white authority structure which is essentially secular and capitalist.”

“The vast majority of mankind reject the West’s notion of happiness and reality.”

“An Arab or an African who is in touch with his ancestors and his history, cares about them, wants to see their traditions perpetuated, and has a sense of the sacred, is in touch with the spiritual substratum of reality while the Coca Cola technocrat who is invading Africa and the Arab world is the West today.”

“The State of Israel poses a problem for Jews living in the diaspora. A Jew living in America, France or England but yet somehow says I am an Israeli or a Zionist, that creates a tremendous amount of tension. Herzl envisioned Zionism as Jews leaving Gentile nations and going to live in Israel, not staying in France and England and saying I am a Zionist. Jews living in America, England, France, etc, have three moral possibilities: They can be loyal citizens, they can be Zionists which means to leave [for Israel] or they can adopt the Neterui Karta position of non-involvement in the affairs of the nations.”

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None Dare Call It IQ

From Steve Sailer’s comments section:

Steve Sailer writes:

Perhaps culture-free tests are kind of like simpler sports like sprinting or weightlifting, while culture-loaded tests (e.g., vocabulary) are like the really popular sports like soccer and baseball that involve a variety of skills.

P&G paid a lot of money to validate their hiring tests to the government’s satisfaction along time ago. It helps to have a big bureaucratic system where job performance is carefully put down on paper.

In contrast, the much smaller marketing research firm I worked at had simply used one of the founders’ Marketing Research 302 exams from the U. of Iowa as a hiring test. That worked quite well — it was a hard test that I had to work on for several hours. The secretary was amazed that I kept saying I wasn’t done yet, but after they graded it, the CEO called me up the next day to schedule a full day of interviews.

But, when the firm grew big enough to get on the EEOC’s radar, management decided to junk the exam rather than try to jump through all the hoops to have it validated…

Or perhaps Vocabulary has the highest heritability because it’s a very good all around test of intelligence.

A culture-free test of Fluid Intelligence like the Ravens Matrices is an extraordinarily abstracted test of intelligence, kind of like the various skill tests (40 yard dash, jump, Wonderlic, etc.) given to potential draftees at the NFL Combines are abstracted versions of football. The prospects don’t have to know each team’s playbooks, they just have to execute certain skills that are common to almost all teams. Similarly, you don’t have to speak English to take the Ravens Matrices.

In contrast, a vocabulary test is to intelligence more like a scrimmage is to a football game. You won’t do well if you haven’t had the opportunity to study the playbook.

NFL coaches and general managers use both kinds of information to predict future game performance. They’d likely prefer the scrimmage if they had to choose one, but for reasons of practicality both are highly useful…

Blacks do okay in the Army, in part because the Army imposes quite a bit of culture on them…

It’s not clear that everything an intelligence test measures is solely IQ. It also measures stick-to-it-iveness and the like. But if the goal is to predict future achievement, then a test that measures both intelligence and diligence might be better than one that just tests intelligence…

To go back to the value of a vocabulary test, consider the question of who is more intelligent: Tom Wolfe v. John Updike. Which one of these two major American authors born in the early 1930s and educated at Yale (Wolfe) and Harvard (Updike) seems more intelligent? I’d vote for Updike (this would be on the SAT Verbal scale of 200 to 800 on which Wolfe might score 1050 and Updike 1190). An important data point in my estimation would Updike’s supreme vocabulary.

Now, I, personally, have gotten more out of reading Wolfe than out of reading Updike, so intelligence isn’t everything.

Which one would have scored higher on the Raven’s Matrices? I don’t know. The Raven’s don’t come up much. That they correlate so amazingly with so much else is extraordinary. But still, a vocabulary test is closer to a direct measure of how we judge, in part, the intelligence of, say, authors, so I’m hardly surprised that vocabulary is such a good measure of intelligence.

Of course, vocabulary is a good way to compare the intelligence of Updike and Wolfe because they are so similar in culture and era. I wouldn’t feel as confident comparing Updike in this manner to, say, Joseph Conrad, who didn’t speak fluent English until he was in his mid-20s…

I picked Wolfe and Updike for my example because their cultural backgrounds are, in the big picture, close to identical. Vocabulary size is affected by language a lot and also by other social factors. A Raven’s test was a pretty amazing breakthrough in its day because it didn’t look much like anything earthly. Now, however, I wouldn’t be terribly surprised if social factors aren’t playing a role because some people are more exposed to this kind of test than others.

If you made admission to Manhattan kindergartens contingent upon the Ravens (which I they are sort of doing), pretty soon you’ll see a lot of small rich children highly familiar with Ravens. It will still work pretty well but the prepped kids will have an advantage over the unprepped kids.

Anyway, to come back to a vocabulary test for figuring out if Updike is smarter than Wolfe, well, that’s kind of like testing baseball players at a batting cage. It’s a test that overlaps a lot with the behavior we want to predict.

On the other hand, if Lionel Messi didn’t do that well at a batting cage, well, you wouldn’t draw that many conclusions about his future in soccer from it. But still I’d expect Messi to be pretty good at eye-hand coordination since he’s supreme at eye-foot coordination…

IQ tests aren’t illegal, it’s just that a strong burden of proof is on the employer. In contrast, using a college degree as a job requirement doesn’t impose much burden of proof on most employers.

My impression is that the P&G just wore down the government by dotting all the i’s and crossing all the t’s on its paperwork in its usual thorough manner.

Bay Area Bill:

Do you have children? If so, are you concerned about the influence of your political/sociological worldview on them? Don’t get me wrong — I’m a huge fan of yours and think you speak the truth better than just about anyone else out there. But, roughly speaking, The Narrative has won. Our elites in academia, media, and politics speak with one voice, and it’s a voice that very frequently ritualistically denies blindingly obvious and unmistakable patterns and explanations (your “War on Noticing”). Not toeing the line could easily get a person ostracized and close down many opportunities. We’re basically living in a mild version of 1984.

I’m raising my kids not just to be “good people” in general, but to be smart, analytical, and realistic. I enjoy teaching my kids “how the world works” (as best as I have figured, anyway), but our conversations sometimes venture into territory where there’s a choice between obliviousness and Crime Think. I find it profoundly difficult to just lie to my kids and blame all the world’s troubles on Evil Old White Men and Racism. But I’m genuinely very concerned my kids won’t become fluent in The Narrative. I’ve often seen the way liberal elites speak about Narrative Deniers and their viciousness and contempt are really scary. But they really do control the world in which my family and I live, at least.

The Bay Area is ascendant and ascending. I am surrounded by millionaires and soon-to-be millionaires. DC, NYC, LA, and the SF Bay Area are where elites go. Like it or not, these are the places where the future is made.

Arthur Jensen: “If one hypothesizes that the black IQ deficit may be due to poor motivation or uncooperative attitudes of blacks in the test situation, then one must explain why little or no difference in scores occurs between blacks and whites on tests involving rote learning and memory. Such tests are just as demanding in terms of attention, effort and persistence, but do not call upon the kinds of abstract reasoning abilities that characterize the culture-fair intelligence tests. We have devised experimental tests, which look to pupils like any other tests, that minimize the need for reasoning and abstract ability, and maximize the role of nonconceptual learning and memory. On these tests black and white children average about the same scores. Therefore, the racial difference clearly does not involve all mental abililities equally. It involves mainly conceptual and abstract reasoning, and not learning and memory.”

Wade posts:

Now let’s say that Vocabulary really IS a better test of abstract reasoning than Raven’s Matrices (though this certainly hasn’t been obvious to many hereditarians)…no one can deny that there’s lots of room for culture, as well as rote learning and memory, wrt how well one performs on the Vocabulary section. In your own words, “you won’t do well if you haven’t had the opportunity to study the playbook.”

IIRC, you were a lot more open-minded towards Duckworth’s paper on motivation than lots of other hereditarians. Following the logic above, this means that there could be much more room to close racial gaps by focusing on non-cognitive traits like James Heckman’s “character skills”, which are also more malleable:

http://www.nber.org/papers/w19656.pdf?new_window=1

To assume otherwise is to assume that all groups in the U.S. are equally motivated now and that measures to increase motivation or conscientiousness etc. would raise the motivation or conscientiousness of all groups, thus retaining the gaps. I’m not so sure that’s the case. For one, I think the East Asian-White gap is to a large extent mediated by differences in work ethic and conscientiousness. East Asian motivation is probably already “maxed out.” I don’t think East Asians have a genuine cognitive advantage over Whites, but that’s a different discussion.

On that note, I’ll also mention that the East Asian “IQ advantage” is in Math but NOT in Verbal. Not only hereditarians, but also the general public, tend to take mathematical ability as the ne plus ultra of intelligence, but I’ve shifted to the belief, expressed by Education Realist and others on your blog, that math ability — especially at the high school and undergrad level — is much more “trainable” and dependent on dedication than people realize. Thus the kind of motivation discussed above would play a much greater role.

How do they pick who benefits from NYC subsidized housing? “It seems screening for bad credit lets buildings avoid people whose friends steal credit cards and run up “astronomical bills.” They are OK with low-income tenants, they just have to have spotless credit and the high-IQ required to fill out the forms just right, supposedly without using whiteout or oversized envelopes.”

Steve Sailer:

That’s kind of like sending in a spec script to the producers of a sit-com or hour-long TV drama: there are extremely picky standards about margins, typeface (primitive Courier), and how many brass fasteners to use in the three hole punch paper (two, never three). There are functional reasons (the number of pages should correlate closely to the running length — a veteran can tell if a script needs to be cut to fit the time slot just from its weight). But a big one is to show that you follow rules well and are less likely to throw a snit over your idiosyncrasies. TV writing is factory work.

I’m probably higher in crystallized intelligence than fluid intelligence (obviously, more so as I age, but even adjusted for age). I don’t deal well with new challenges like setting up devices, but I am still pretty good at drawing analogies between this large stock of examples I’ve accumulated.

For example, a commenter just listed some of the absurdly picky rules you have to follow when applying for one of those “affordable housing” subsidized apartments in a new luxury building in New York. I’d no doubt screw up on one of the rules and have to use white out on my application, thus violating the “No White-Out” rule. But I’m good at things like saying, oh, this is like how if you want a TV producer to read your sitcom spec script, you have to follow exactly a bunch of arcane formatting rules: they are both designed to demonstrate that you will follow the rules.

PeterRike2: “[Tom] Wolfe has always been a proponent of clarity in writing, has a journalistic background and so forth. Updike, with his New Yorker heritage, is a more academic type of writer. Maybe he just spends more time with his Thesaurus.”

Harry Baldwin:

When I worked in advertising, P&G was one of our clients. They had some obvious make-work jobs for blacks; for example, at meetings they sometimes had a black sketch artist who would produce rough drawings illustrating the ideas expressed. (This was a full-time job.) There was also diversity training, which some of the agency people had to attend. My partner went and found it useful, bless his heart. He shared with me his learning, such that the term “black” was okay, you don’t always have to say “African American,” and that blacks have a different work-style which involves more socializing, and that’s a good thing. (I have noticed this style when I have had to interrupt black clerks at Walmart who are clustered together discussing their weekend.)

On Tom Wolfe vs John Updike, it seems to me that Wolfe sets about writing a novel in order to make a specific point, or a number of points, while Updike sets about writing a novel with no point in mind whatsoever. The last Updike I read was “Villages,” which meandered through a number of affairs a middle-aged man had had, described with a sort of world-weariness and anomie. You get to the end and wonder what you have reaped from your investment of time. Well written, though!

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Wake Up!

If you want to learn something, I ask you to stand up and to walk around the room for 30 seconds juggling three imaginary balls while taking care not to bump into people or furniture. If you don’t want to learn anything, please stay seated, stay stuck in your habitual ways of doing things, after all, they have served you so well, why would you want to understand yourself better and do a damn fool thing like learning?

Now, what do you notice in your body, in your thinking and in your emotions as you tried to juggle imaginary balls as you walked around? How would you compare that to what you were thinking and feeling a minute ago? Does it serve you to increase your awareness and alertness or are you better served staying slumped and stuck in your habits?

The Alexander Technique is about waking up.

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The Decline Of The WASP

I have the next few days off work, so I’m sitting in my apartment wearing a yarmulke, vibrating my feet, listening to The Carpenters, checking Tinder for messages, sipping a five-calorie orange drink with an OU certification, and reading a bootlegged copy of the John Updike novel The Coup.

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The Loneliness Of The Long Distance African-American Pilot

When I find I unexpectedly have a black doctor, I get nervous, because I know that seven out of eight blacks admitted to medical schools in the United States benefit from substantial affirmative action and that their test scores on average fall below those of rejected white and asian students.

If I were to board a plane and find a black pilot or to learn that my air traffic controller was hired with the help of affirmative action, I would become as nervous as if I were boarding a plane filled with imams. Perhaps this is a serious moral flaw in me that will be remedied with re-education.

I wonder how many people would fly a hip-hop airline boasting of black pilots and engineers and maintenance staff and supervisors?

In his novel The Coup, John Updike refers to those servicing the Air Kush 727 as “the indifferent, wraithlike mechanics in sagging gray coveralls drifting through the haze of hunger, heat, and jet fuel fumes.” That’s not a description that would fill me with confidence if I were a passenger.

Africa has more airline crashes than anywhere else in the world because its citizens are so incompetent, worse than the Arabs, when it comes to maintaining first world equipment.

From HuffPo:

In 2004, current comedy superstar Kevin Hart made his debut as a lead actor in the movie Soul Plane. In the film Hart plays “Nashawn Wade,” an everyday guy turned airline owner as a result of receiving a $100,000,000 settlement for getting his buttocks stuck in an airplane toilet during flight. Wade (Hart) decides to use this settlement to start his own airline which specifically caters to African-Americans and hip-hop culture.

In his effort to create the most African-American airline possible, Wade gives his best friend and business partner “Muggsey” (played by rapper Method Man) the task of finding an African-American pilot. Moments before the airline’s inaugural flight is set to take off Wade expresses his concern to Muggsey as the pilot has yet to show up. Muggsey then tells Wade to calm down and points out the pilot (played by rapper Snoop Dogg) as he enters the plane.

Wade immediately becomes perplexed after taking one look at the pilot, questioning his ability due to the lack of “professionalism” in his appearance. Muggsey responds to Wade’s concerns by sternly saying, “Look, I did what you asked me to. There ain’t but two black pilots around, and one of them is [already] flying for Puffy (Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs).”

While this was indeed an example of hyperbole, the reality is that the statistics for African-American pilots are quite bleak. As this demographic makes up just over 2 percent of commercial airline pilots, it is no surprise that despite my flight frequency, I (and possibly you) have yet to receive a greeting from an African-American pilot when deboarding the plane after arrival.

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Is Gay Parenting The Solution To Our Troubles?

Robert Lopez writes: Gay culture is not the same as other ways of life. It is highly specific and fraught with problems. As statistics attest, gay adults have higher rates of depression, anxiety, eating disorders, sexually transmitted diseases including HIV/AIDS, domestic violence, sexual assault, and suicidal ideation. We need to help people who struggle with all these issues surrounding homosexuality. By that I mean we must help them live as happy homosexuals; I am not calling for gay people to “change” if they really are gay.

But helping gay people live satisfying lives is an issue quite distinct from the best interests of a child whose well-being has been entrusted to your state. A child does not need to be exposed to all those problems. It does nobody any favors to pretend that gay people don’t have a higher incidence of these problems and to feign equivalence between a gay home, where not one but two people come from this high-risk demographic, and a straight home, where the problems aren’t so rampant.

Of course there are specific examples of terrible heterosexual homes and then you will see carefully selected examples of highly functional, happy gay couples with kids, but as a governor you can’t be naïve. Gay couples have a lot more hardship and that hardship rolls downhill and affects the kids, who are often expected to protect their parents when they should be the ones being protected.

If my father had died or if he’d abandoned me through some kind of tragedy beyond my parents’ control, that would be one thing. I might have been able to deal with that. But it didn’t happen like that. Two lesbians valued their relationship with each other and dragged me into their romantic dynamics, cutting me off from my dad. I felt powerless and still do, when I think about it.

Overwhelmingly, the people who have spoken to me, who were raised by a biological parent and that parent’s gay partner, did not want to be placed in an emotional relationship with the non-biological gay partner. They viewed that person as someone whom they had to adapt to, in order to have access to their biological parent, not someone whom they wanted the state’s laws to impose on them as an added emotional burden. This dynamic, believe it or not, is evident even in cases where the child came into the gay couple’s home through sperm banking or through surrogacy. Even if the child has known nothing but the gay couple, the child generally does not want to have to deal with both gay adults as parents; they want one dad or one mom, and the added gay person in the adult pairing is a burdensome addition. Much of their longing and sadness in adolescence and adulthood focuses, moreover, on the vacuum left by the missing father or missing mother.

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