To Laugh - Conservative
Comedy At The Friars Club In Beverly Hills
Evan Sayet hosted the night and was the third and final comic. "George Bush could be Jesus Christ himself and liberals would say, 'Well, sure. His father got him the job."
Lawyer Howard Smith (from Queens) led off. "The minute I gave my [future] wife a ring, she quit her job so she could be fresh for the wedding. How come no one worries about the man being fresh for the wedding?
"We had the original members of Iron Butterfly do the wedding. The ones that hadn't OD'd.
"The honeymoon was no better. We had to spend nine days in Maui. I get nervous about being on an island with no subway. I've never had so many $90 breakfasts. My wife got a $300 massage. Her massage: 'Don't worry. We'll just charge it to the room.'
"This is when I gave my wife her pet name. I call her 'Crime.' Because crime don't pay.
"My wife woke me up at 3:45 am and told me that we had been married for exactly one million minutes.
"My wife not only needed to be fresh for the wedding, she also had to be fresh for our marriage, because she's still not working.
"I'm a lawyer. Honestly, I provide no valuable service for society. (Huge applause.) That wasn't a joke. That was just information.
"I came to Los Angeles to be an entertainment attorney. The closest I got was the Erin Brokovich case. I got stuck defending the chemical manufacturer in the movie. You're not going to see an Erin Brokovich 2. Nobody wants to hear the story from the side of Dupont.
"The day we got engaged, my wife said, 'My Howard owns property.' The day we got married, she told everyone, 'We own property.' The day we were married for a month, she told everyone, 'She owed property.'
"I understand why men get divorced. You can get 50% of your s--- back.
"We live in Brentwood down the block from Coffee Bean. You go down there on a week day, and that place is jammed pack. Who are these people who can hang out there all day? I'll tell you. They're my wife.
"I came home the other day and it was cold in the house. I said, 'You don't work and you run the air conditioning? We're three blocks from the beach. Open the window.'
"My wife has an interview next week, which only means one thing -- A trip to Nordstroms to buy two new outfits. Eight hundred and seventy one dollars. I hope she gets the job so I can garnish her wages.
"If she gets that job, she'll want me to buy her a BMW like I have. Which isn't a bad thing, because as a Jew, you know you've made it when you've bought that German car.
"Remember how CNN reported that at the G8 meeting, there was an agreement to help the Palestinians rebuild their infrastructure. I didn't know the Palestinians ever had infrastructure. And if they do, it must be in Switzerland.
"Finding the truth on CNN is like finding a Palestinian that wants peace.
"I ask that we all take a moment for Yasser Arafat who finally did something good for the Jewish people -- he dropped dead."
Larry: "I took out a home equity loan to make this so please buy it."
Jeff: "If we ever get the blacks, the negroes and the African-Americans together in the country, they're going to be a power.
"I'm from the most oppressed group. White trash. Kentucky. People ask me if there was inbreeding in my family. I say, 'Let me ask my Uncle Daddy.' You can say anything about white trash and nobody cares. Not even white trash.
"My 13-year old white kid wants to be a black rapper. He wears his pants around his knees. My dad wears his pants around his chest. The three ages of man.
"You have to wait five days to get a gun. I might not be angry in five days.
"In Bowling For Columbine, Michael Moore walks around South-Central (where the LA Riots started) with a UCLA professor at noon on a Thursday with a film crew. They say how perfectly safe they feel.
"Let's take the same scenario, but haul your honky asses down at 2am Sunday.
"I think Arnold is going to compromise on drivers licenses for illegal aliens. They'll get drivers licenses but they'll be restricted to driving south.
"I want to see Michael Moore on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
"Canadians say, 'We don't have an illegal immigration problem.' Of course. Who wants to live in Canada?
"Canadians say, 'You don't know our politicians.' We don't even know our's.
"In England, they think we're barbarians. A man asked me, 'Do you believe in the electric chair.' I believe in electric bleachers.
"In England, they lose more people at a soccer game. At our sporting events, people aren't killed.
"I told a joke: 'My grandma's going deaf. We can't afford a hearing aid. So we just stopped talking to her.'
"A man told me after the show, 'It's not 'deaf.' It's 'hearing impaired.'
"That's like The LA Times. They don't use the term 'Illegal aliens.' It's insensitive. They call them 'undocumented workers.' They're all workers. They're just undocumented. Twenty five percent of the prisoners in California are undocumented workers. What were they working on?
"Pretty soon The LA Times will call burglars 'Unwelcome houseguests.'
"Rainforest. When you were kids, there was no rainforest. There were jungles. A damn good word. Why did they change that word? When environmentalists got serious in the 1970s, they changed the word to rainforest.
"Jungle conjures up images of cannibals, swamps, insects. Nobody wants to save that. So they came up with rainforest.
"My wife and I took a tour of a rainforest and our tour bus broke down for four hours. We were in a damn jungle.
"Tarzan in the Rainforest? Sounds like gay Tarzan.
"I have the solution to gays in the military. We should have a separate gay army. Scare the hell out of everybody. 'If you don't settle down, we'll send our gay army over there. They take prisoners.'
"I want to thank you for empowering me. I hoped you liked the diversity of the material.
"The world has changed. My wife found our 13-year old son's Playboy magazine. It brought back memories of when my mom found my Playboy magazine, which she rolled up and struck me with. 'Wait till your father comes home.' I got a talking to and a spanking and he took my magazine.
"My wife brought me the magazine. What was our response as parents' today? Thank God."
Evan, the host, talks for the next hour but doesn't get as many laughs as the first two comics.
"In other states, they are not going to believe what I'm saying is true. But California and New York are so much more gross than the red states. New York and California are so vulgar, that's why they're called blue states.
He complains about driving his 13-year old kid to school and on every block there's a sign for "Orgasm: The Musical." On the way home, every block there's a sign for "The Vagina Monologues." Or "Puppetry of the Penis."
Evan: "We owe Pee Wee Herman an apology. He was not masturbating in a theater. He was leading an actor's workshop. Why was George Michael arrested? How many superstars do you know who take the time to do theatre in the park?"
Evan: "Why am I so much funnier than you think I am?"
"I told my kid that until you're 18, you're flying Virgin Air."
"Did you realize that it now costs more to see Miss Saigon than to f--- Miss Saigon?"
"Let's take questions from the audience. I expected there'd be more laughs to fill more time."
Melrose Larry Green sits in the front row and keeps yelling support.
There's another man in front of the stage with a little white dog on his lap. Evan asks the man to hold the dog up. The man won't. I start screaming at the man to hold up his dog. The audience joins in. He finally lifts up the dog and that gets the biggest applause of the night.
A liberal complains to Evan about conservatives imposing their values. Evan asks: When have you ever seen signs for, "Marry The Woman You Impregnate: The Musical."