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Buzz Patterson - Dereliction of Duty: How Bill Clinton Compromised America's National Security, Reckless Disregard: How Liberal Democrats Undercut Our Military, Endanger Our Soldiers, and Jeopardize Our Security, War Crimes: The Left's Campaign to Eliminate the Military and Lose the War on Terror

Dear Penthouse Forum:

I can't believe this happened to me!

First, let me tell you about myself. I stand 6' tall. I weigh 160 pounds. I have short brown hair. In 1998, the Weekly Standard said I looked like an "acid-washed Brad Pitt."

Tuesday morning, Nov. 28, 2006, I dress in my gnatty black undertaker suit with my striped green shirt that was such a hit with the ladies eight years ago, catch up with my psychiatrist, renew my meds, and then roar off to Beverly Hills for the Wednesday Morning Club.

I park on Beverwill near Pico Blvd and walk a mile to the Regent Beverly Wilshire Hotel on 9500 Wilshire Blvd.

Robert Spencer has been scratched as speaker because he's sick. Robert "Buzz" Patterson is sick too but he speaks anyway.

I sit at a table with six ladies (collective age about 320) and three gents.

Horowitz Freedom Center's outreach to community college girls is still coming up short.

The ladies won't want to shake hands with me. They fear getting sick.

I want to scream "You can't catch HIV from shaking hands!"

I was feeling hurt until Mrs. Michael Weiner walked over and the ladies wouldn't shake hands with her either. In fact, they told her to go away because she was sick last week.

There's much concern at my table from the StandWithUs.org contingent about the James Baker/Brent Scowcroft commission pushing Israel to make more concessions to the Arabs.

According to BuzzPatterson.com:

Welcome to the official homepage for Robert "Buzz" Patterson, two-time New York Times best selling author, radio show host, popular speaker and retired United States Air Force pilot.

Since his military retirement in 2001, Buzz has emerged as a vitally important voice for the American military and national security.

As a career Air Force pilot seeing combat duty in far flung locales such as Grenada, Bosnia, the Persian Gulf, Somalia and Rwanda, and serving as military aide at the right hand of President Bill Clinton, he has impeccable military bona fides. As the Air Force Aide to Clinton, he carried the "Nuclear Football."

He is the Chief Operating Officer for the Center for the Study of Popular Culture in Los Angeles, California.

Wednesday Morning Club executive director Michael Finch sits at my table. I suggest that he book Borat as a speaker.

Janet Levy is sick but she still manages a stirring introduction for Buzz. "Every woman here wants to know how drunk they have to get Buzz before he spills all the dirt on Bill Clinton... In comparison to Bill Clinton, Buzz is an altar boy. In comparison to Bill Clinton, most people are altar boys. Compared to Bill Clinton, Larry Flynt is a moral figure."

"That's a bit much," I murmur, eager to maintain my anti-porn credentials.

During lunch, a knife flies into my lap and I loudly yell "F---!"

Buzz says (audio):

The U.S. military won the war in Iraq but it is getting undercut by the media and the Left.

Put more troops on the ground and we'll crush them.

We are so concerned with winning hearts and minds that we've most Iraqi's hearts and minds. That was not true two years ago.

Harvard lost 700 students in WWII. They haven't had ROTC in 35 years. You can't teach ROTC at Columbia since 1969 but you can be a part of a transsexual multi-sexual club.

Sixteen of the 18 provinces in Iraq are as safe as Los Angeles. Ninety five percent of the country is fine.

Short of more 9/11s, there is no way of turning around public perception of the war in Iraq. We've lost the PR war.

The Pentagon has plans to stop Iran from getting a nuclear bomb. They could be implemented in two days but they won't because of world opinion. It will be up to the Israelis.

It will take a dirty bomb or nuclear explosion in L.A. or Phoenix for people to get it.

War correspondents in Baghdad sit around the bar at one of two hotels and drink beer. They send Iraqi stringers off to get stories. They'll pay a lot more for stories of bad news than good news.

NBC News Middle East correspondent Richard Engel boasts he's the only correspondent who's been in Iraq since day one. I bet he hasn't been out of the Green Zone in three years.

During the invasion, over 300 reporters were embedded with the troops. Last month, only three.

The only thing these people... And I'm not being racist here. I mean Arabs. The only thing they understand is an eye for an eye.

We've built 5,000 hospitals and immunized eight million Iraqis.

I went last year to a meeting of conservative Vietnam POWs. They hate John McCain. If John McCain gets the Republican nomination, you might as well vote for Hillary.

A blackberry goes off during the Q&A and an old lady at our table answers it.

You'd think Republicans would have better manners.

On my way out, I slide down the stairs and fall on my bum.

I can't believe this happened to me!