I met him outside of Sardo's Bar in Burbank one night. More specifically, I met his handlers. I didn't really get to meet Earl.
That came Friday, July 7, over the phone.
Luke: "When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?"
Earl: "An NBA player. But realizing I am 6'2 and Jewish, that shot that one down."
Luke: "What were you expected to become?"
Earl: "My parents sent me to a seminary (San Fernando Missionary in Simi Valley) to become a priest but I had a premonition of what Catholic priests are all about, so I hightailed it after two days.
"It was just a weird vibe in there. I thought I was at the Tomkat [gay porn theater in West Hollywood] on a Saturday night. Even as a 12 years old, I knew something was running amok."
Luke: "Can you show me on the doll where it hurts?"
Earl: "The priests were too hands on. Backrubs at dinner, I wasn't jiving with it."
Luke: "Are you homophobic?"
Earl, who's straight: "Not at all. I live in West Hollywood on Larrabee, a cruising street. Believe me, you're not homophobic if you live on Larrabee."
Luke: "I thought you were Jewish."
Earl: "Back in 1950s, you had to convert to Catholicism to marry into the church. My Jewish mother converted to Catholicism. I'm like a unicorn - half and half."
Luke: "When did you realize you were destined to become a comedian?"
Earl: "Towards the tail end of highschool, 1986. Everyone told me how funny I was. I became friends with people who were agents. They said, 'Earl, get into comedy. You're funnier than any of our clients.'
"It took me a few years to build up the courage. It's nerve-racking getting up on stage. I don't know how porn actors do it. We're just telling jokes.
"To get up in front of a room full of strangers, I had to go to a therapist to get over the stagefright. We started with the comedy and then we got to sex and I had to stay a year longer. I'm not the best with girls. I had to overcome shyness in all areas of my life."
Luke: "How many women have you been with in your life?"
Earl: "Between 40-50. For a non-celebrity who looks like me, that's good. My friend Eric has been with between 600-700 and they're hot. I'm not going to lie to you. I've been with a few pigs out of necessity."
Luke: "How much sexual voltage does your career pack?"
Earl: "I do better now because they see me on stage."
Luke: "How old were you when you lost your virginity?"
Earl: "Twenty two."
Luke: "Why aren't you married?"
Earl: "I'm a very selfish person with my time. I don't think it would be fair. Marriage is the ultimate step and you have to be very sharing with your time and considerations. I'm a loner."
Luke: "What's the longest monogamous relationship you've been in?"
Earl: "Six years."
Luke: "With a woman?"
Earl: "As far as I know. In this day and age, you have to do an oil check before you put the dipstick down there.
"I was just starting in comedy. She wanted marriage and kids right away. I thought it would be unfair. I saw her a couple of years ago. She married an Asian guy, so at least I know my dick is bigger. He's smarter but I've got him beat in the ruler."
Luke: "Are you well endowed?"
Earl: "I've been told yes. I'm not Tommy Lee. But I've been told I'm big by every girl I've been with."
Luke: "How has that affected your psyche?"
Earl: "It helps a lot."
Luke: "Have you used viagra?"
Earl: "It's a great story. I hope this tape is at least a half hour.
"My friend's father passed away."
Luke: "So of course you popped a viagra."
Earl: "It interweaves with viagra.
"We go over to his house for the wake and he [the son] says, 'Hey Skakel, take these. My dad doesn't need them anymore.'
"It's this plastic baggie with about 40 horsepills of viagra.
"I had never taken viagra before. I'd never needed it. I jack off every day.
"I took one. It didn't really have an effect. I was expecting an immediate effect.
"I took three more. That night I was beet red from my forehead to my bellybutton and like a chinese noodle below that.
"The next morning I woke up and it worked. I had the Sears Trade Tower in my pants. And it wouldn't go down.
"I go to the doctor and his only advice was to just jack off until you come.
"Apparently my friend's dad was taking 100mg tablets. So I had 400mg of viagra in my body. The normal dosage for a guy 6' and 200 pounds is 20-30 mg.
"I had to jack off for about eight hours."
Luke: "What do you love and hate about your life now?"
Earl: "I love comedy and the people I get to meet. Clothing companies are now sending me leather pants and shirts and say that if I wear them on stage, they'll take care of me.
"I get to meet celebrities. Being a music fan, I get to meet some of my favorite rock 'n' rollers. They see me on stage and they treat me as an equal. If I just met them on the street, they'd probably be, 'Get away from me!'
"What I hate is that some of the celebrities I meet aren't nice. They give you an attitude. I met John Saxon who was in the famous Bruce Lee movie Enter the Dragon.
"I went up to him and said, 'Hi, Mr. Saxon, I'm a big fan. Can I have your autograph?' And he looked at me and in all seriousness says, 'I don't have the time.'
"I can understand if you walked up to Tom Cruise or Tom Hanks. They're busy. John Saxon hasn't acted in Nightmare on Elm Street 2 in 1984. He's got the time. That's all he's got.
"I hate girls who aren't nice to you because they don't know who you are, but after they see you on stage, they say, 'Oh, you're so funny. Let's go out.'"
Luke: "Where are you and God?"
Earl: "We're about as far away from each other as possible.
"You've got to understand that I went to a Catholic grade school, a Catholic highschool. I had religion shoved down my throat the first 20 years of my life. I do believe in God but I don't believe in the one presented to me in my youth. The God who is all loving but if you don't do what he says, He'll put you in Hell forever. That's a sadistic God."
Luke: "Where do you find meaning in life?"
Earl: "Through comedy. I take pride in helping people forget about their problems for an hour."
Luke: "You're like The Piano Man. Billy Joel."
Earl: "I love Billy Joel, but stay away from the booze. That guy's got alcohol face like I've never seen."
Luke: "Do you have addictions?"
Earl: "I've never had a drink or drug in my life. And I come from a family of indulgers in the liquid beverage.
"There are two reasons I don't drink. One. My mom said, 'Earl, if you don't drink until you're 18, I'll get you the car of your choice.' And she did. A BMW 318i with a red steering wheel.
"After I got to 18, I saw Gene Simmons from KISS asked, 'Why don't you drink or do drugs?' And he said, 'It impairs the blood flow to my pee pee.' I thought, 'Wow, this guy is the doctor of sex. I'm not going to touch booze.'"
Luke: "These are lonely habits for the world you live in?"
Earl: "I'm a loner. It doesn't take much for me to be entertained. So much of my life is writing jokes. I'm on the internet constantly looking at various news sites."
Luke: "Where are you politically?"
Earl: "Down the middle. I like Bush's stance on terrorism, but his economic policy is killing me. I drive an Expedition 1998 and we need to start bombing another country because these gas prices are killing me. If this is a war for oil, where's the oil?"
Luke: "Do you think it is true that in every joke there's a victim and that all humor is a channeled form of hostility?"
Earl: "Definitely. I try to make myself the victim in almost every joke. You can get people on your side fast if you make fun of yourself. The first 15 minutes of my act is talking about how I didn't get laid until I was 22."
"Two days after the Great White fire in Rhode Island, I did a joke about it. Someone in the audience knew the guitar player [porner Ty Longley] who died and got in my face afterwards. I felt horrible.
"You have to survey the room before you do any touchy material."
Luke: "What role has pornography played in your life?"
Earl: "I don't watch porn much because I don't like the close-ups, especially now that everything is on DVD. I really don't need to see Ron Jeremy's balls in digital clarity. The female body is the most beautiful creation on the planet but after it's been ploughed by three black guys for 20 minutes, it looks like a busted football down there.
"When I do watch pornography, I make sure it is a low-quality VHS tape."
Luke: "What crowd did you hang out with in highschool?"
Earl: "I was the most popular guy in highschool because I was the class clown. I was friends with everybody. I was friends with the jocks, the cheerleaders because they knew I was harmless. My social life was like a buffet. Everything was spread in front of me. I just didn't eat all of it."
"I went to Erotica LA and interviewed people for that mobile TV thing I do. At Sardo's they told me, you can't have the girls talk about sucking cock all the time. You've got to come up with some better questions. We went back to Sardo's two or three times, and every question went back to sucking cock. 'Hey, what do you think about Tookie Williams getting executed?' 'Oh, I was in a bukkake film two hours ago...'
"I don't want to be known as the guy who asks the dirty questions. With that crowd, it's hard. They're nice people. Some of the better interviews were with the guy actors. They seem more with it. But who wants to see me interviewing dudes?
"My enthusiasm petered out because you can't really talk about anything else other than sucking... The girls are so sweet but if you ask, 'What do you think about Bush?' They say, 'I just ate some two hours ago.'"
Luke: "Why didn't you just ask them about their lives?"
Earl: "I figured that most of them had been molested, so I don't know that I want to go down that route. When you asked what got me into comedy, I envisioned making people laugh, getting laid, making money. I can't imagine what got these girls into sucking endless amounts of pee pees. There had to be a moment where they thought, 'Hey, that sounds like a fine job. I'd really like to get into anal.'
"Porn is something I could never do but I don't look down on them for it. It's sad. I think most of them come out here to be a legitimate actress and they end up meeting Ron Jeremy at the Rainbow and he's like, 'You should get into porn until your career takes off.' Then it's just an endless circle. After two years, no guy wants to jack off to the same girl. Then what do you do? Give out rub-outs in the back of the LA Xpress for $100. Believe me, I know."
Luke: "Have you ever hired a hooker?"
Luke: "How did it make you feel afterwards?"
Earl: "Like I wished I had my money back."
Luke: "How do you determine right and wrong?"
Earl: "We all have limits and boundaries."
Luke: "You just intuit it?"
Earl: "The guy I play hockey with has a beautiful daughter. At the time, she was about 15. Hottest body I've ever seen on any girl on earth. Skinny. Natural DDs. She was totally into me and sexually active and I just couldn't do it. Nobody would've ever found out."