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6/20/05

Lira Sentenced To Eleven Months In A Federal Penitentiary

My friend faced five years in prison for drug dealing. She got an additional six months in a halfway house.

She saw a psychic who told her she'd get six months. Lira believed it.

It's such a shame when a beautiful young woman is locked up in prison with other women. Why didn't the judge just assign her to me as an intern? That would've been punishment enough.

Lira Writes Me: 'I think I would rather go to prison than be forced to go to synagogue'

I can be your intern from inside the walls of Federal Prison; I will do a study of female criminals and report to you monthly. Correction, I got 30 months but my lawyer see's it panning out to be 11 months in prison and 6 months in a half way house. It’s not prison I fear it’s the half way house. I don’t abide by rules so well and what’s the use of only being free half the day, such a tease just like Luke Ford. He only half way wants to sin with you! He reminds me of Hunter Thompson, you never can really tell if he’s on Nixon’s side or not. And Luke you can never really tell if he’s on your side or not, swine! Call my for tea chat soon, I’ll brag about all the cheap gratifications I am going to endure in the next 30 days! Maybe you can lose your virginity to me!

Lira composed a speech in her own defense. Her attorney told her, "Good thing they don't judge on spelling."

Here's her spelling-corrected speech to the judge:

I just want to start of by saying I'm very grateful to be here to day and moving forward. I'm also very grateful to have hade the chance to be out on bail to have accomplished the respect from my family and friends that and the endurance to work hard and evolve from the old life style that I lead. In regards to my prior crime I see now more clearly how harmful I was to society and my family and myself. To say the least my life was delusional and self destructive. I fell lucky that I was caught and that I am alive. In the time that I've been released on bail I have gone from having no car, no job, and no respect from my loved ones. Threw my integrity I have gained a respectable job in Real estate, bought a car with honest money and proved to my loved ones that I can be independent without self destructive patterns. I have also been in therapy that have opened me up to find myself and understand why I made the poor choices that I did and would love to stay in therapy to learn more. I fell now the support I have always wanted, friends that are healthy influences and jobs that I can come back to. You might hear every day that people say they have changed there ways but I know from my heart that I have come a long way from were I was during my illegal activities and there is no doubt in my mind that I would never take my situation for granted again for any costs or gratifications. There is no excuse for breaking the law to the extremes that I did. I take full responsibility for my crimes; I think it is a matter of bad judgment and taking life for granted. Nobody can redo the past, you can only hope to mentally recover and give back for the harm you have caused. I am not here to ask for anything, I know that you can only prove your good nature to redeem your past and threw various hardships try to purify your mind. I know that I cannot change my destiny today with words, I know for a fact I did everything in my power to try to make today less painful for myself and that I am mentally prepared for my sentence. I plan to use my time away to become wiser and reflect on my life so that I never end up in this position again. Ovcource no body wants to go to Prison and everybody prays for a miracle, I just want to be somewhere moving forward and get this part of my life behind me. I see a great future for myself were I can make my own family and raise my children the right way. I know I have a lot of growing to do and maturing and therapy. So to conclude my speech with all I've been through some mercy would be greatly appreciated though I know what ever happens, it could have been worse and I have the strength to make and I will be O.K.

October 25, 2004.

I called KB in San Diego. Lira answered the phone.

Lira: "What are you doing?"

Duke: "Thinking about you."

Lira: "You want me to convert?"

Duke: "I do."

Lira: "I'm ready. When are you coming to San Diego?"

Duke: "What's going on in San Diego?"

Lira: "Jack. But I'm going on."

Duke: "Where are you and KB going?"

Lira: "He's taking me to work. We missed my train because he was bitching and moaning about girls."

KB: "The 'B' in 'KB' stands for 'benevolence.'"

Lira: "I don't know what he means by that.

"I'm a loan officer now."

We all bust up laughing. "It's kinda like my old job.

"Refinances and mortgages."

Duke: "Did you have to sleep with anyone to get the job?"

Lira: "No. I just said I had a preternatural nick for sales."

I bust up.

Lira: "That was the largest Jewish laugh I've ever heard."

KB complains that girls he likes are sleeping with guys who like trannies.

Lira: "He tried to get roadhead for the ride to work. I told him I'd give him $8.

"I'm not giving it to him. I don't suck dick.

"He freaked me out at the bagel shop. He came up behind me and squeezed my ass because I'm wearing tight pants. It really pissed me off."

Duke: "Normally you like that."

Lira: "Not today. I'm sick today. I shouldn't even be going into work.

"I just woke up with a sore throat."

Duke: "Ask KB to massage your tonsils."

Lira, audibly disgusted: "Oooooh. Yuck."

KB: "I could massage your kidneys if you want."

KB wipes the phone off before he takes it.

KB: "It's take a former dealer to work day.

"Once she was getting people hooked.... Now she's getting everybody hooked on refis."

Duke: "How can she be a loan officer? Don't they have moral standards for that?"

KB: "You would think.

"She told me she got a job at a mortgage company.

"I said, do they know about your felony?

"She said yes. Do they know what it is for? Kevin, I look up on the wall at my boss's office. He's got two posters of Scarface. I don't think it's a big problem.

"Needless to say, I'm going to get a job where she's working."

Duke: "Is this place legit?"

KB: "I don't know."

"Is it legit?"

"I don't know. All I know is that she's got a place where she goes every day and claims that she's working. She calls me and tells me to buy a mortgage. I explain to her that I don't have a steady income. She says, that's ok. Just buy a house and you'll have money."

"Does she know what she's talking about?"

KB: "Can you spell equity?"

Lira: "E-Q-U-I-D-Y."

Duke: "Did you read the series in the San Diego Tribune about the sex industry revolution?"

KB: "I don't need to read it, bro. I live it. I went to my friend's strip bar the other night, the place that I'm banned from. I have a self-imposed ban. I have three chicks in there and two of them are huffy and puffy. They hate me because I went psychotic on them last week. I just told them that they were white trash and beneath me and that they should lick my ass."

Duke: "Why did you say that?"

KB: "One stood me up last night and the other one is a whack job.

"When I pulled into the parking lot the other night, I said to the door guy, are Heather or Claudia working tonight? He said yup, they're both working. But you don't want to go in there anyway. Vice [police] just raided the place.

"Then I went to another club. They just got raided. They're cracking down bigtime."

Duke: "How long did Lira last with her waitressing job?"

KB: "A few days at the Japanese steak house. She went home with the bartender one night. He takes a corner too fast and gets into this horrific car accident that blows her fingernails off. It f---- up her finger. She's going to physical therapy for her little finger. She thinks she's going to be collecting $10,000 in a couple of weeks from his insurance.

"I am currently seeing one chick. That's all."

Duke: "What were you complaining to Lira about?

"Why don't you have Lira ghostwrite your book?"

KB cracks up.

Duke: "Did you ever sleep with Lira?"

KB: "Once. No sex. My boss was too busy trying to have intercourse with her. We were in a castle in the Hollywood Hills. She was so scared that she had to crawl in bed with me as a last resort. We were in a bed with no covers and a talking parrot that was screaming, 'Whose coming up?'

"At 4am, she yelled, 'Shut up you stupid f---ing bird.' The bird said, 'Whose coming up? F--- you. F--- you.'

"The bird died later. It got eaten by a coyote."

After dropping Lira off at work, KB calls me back: "She has no idea what she's talking about, but it makes her cute. There's no doubt in my mind that she has an office full of guys that love watching her walk in all sexy-looking. She's so cute, they just tolerate her."

I hear KB is talking to some major companies to do their marketing. He might even get a Vice President title and a secretary as cute as Lira.

Chaim Amalek writes Duke: "Your ready access to such women presents a two-fold problem for you. From your perspective, how can you possibly date civilians when you have access to that sort of woman to satisfy your baser instincts? And on the other side, how can any regular woman who knows what you have access to ever think she can compete with this self-refreshing pool of pulchritude that is never more than a few keystrokes away from you?"

An Orthodox Jewish woman can satisfy my soul in a way these girls never can.

Chaim replies:

Men don't marry women for the chance to be satisfied along those grounds. Be serious. With access to ---- chicks, you experience no sexual pressure to do the menial work of finding an orthodox jewish woman to marry you, which is a good thing, as none ever will.

Best bet? Make a Jewess of your own out of shiksa material. And to that end, I will extol your virtues to that ex---- chick you are copulating. She is of prime marriageable age (24, right?). Why don't you pop the question to her and settle down? Just think how more efficient you would be with an understanding woman by your side to help out in your work. Think of all the time, energy, and money you have wasted trolling for women. You could focus on being a breadwinner, a husband, and a father. And if it does not work out, you can always get a divorce and claim religious differences.

If I were you, I'd marry her, have a few kids with her, and see if it works out or not. What do you have to lose?

A few months ago, I had a flirtation over the phone and online (never in person) with a beautiful shiksa Lira. She was 22 and she told me she was majoring in "media studies" at a community college.
I thought she had a lot in common with my friend Cathy Seipp and that we'd all get along like a house on fire.
Cathy, however, had a more skeptical view of Lira than I did.
As the weeks passd by, Lira and I talked a lot about Judaism and spirituality.
I asked her opinion of Dennis Prager's essays on "Why young women are exposing themselves." Part Two.
She replied: "Hmm, Bassicly that guy covered all the basis. I myself am self contios and hate getting in a bathing suit and try to hide my tits so if I hade the body I did when I was 16 I would tastfully wear less clothes, and I hate when girls show there stomach. But I think Its all over thought, you should dress how you feal without embarassing yourself, you know! Some girls just have no stlye or class and the kind of attention they want they will get. Being a parriniod hermite I prefer no eyes on me most the time. Anyways, how are you, I am in Ixtapa, the pretures of everyday life forced me to once again flee the country. The good news is I went to a very spirituil city for Samana Santa and went to a very nice church to pray. I also went to a rodeo and a cock fight, I plane to go to an Island today because Its getting boring. What have you been up to. Oh yah I wrote a great little story on the city of Petatlan and I have pictures."
I asked her what she was passionate about. She replied, "Luke, I really don't open up for most people but I like you! I am passionate about making love, I mean really being hate f---ed, chocked out, smacked around and verbally abused. I also love Jesus Criste and every morning I wake up and cook me some Farmer John honey baked ham with a side of yeast. It taste so good in my mouth, It makes me just sooo horny! I am also ma----bate to Woody Alan movies."
Lira wanted a paid position in the L-ke F-ord Media Empire. I thought she should start off as an intern, and upon showing the proper initiative, she could work her way up the pole like my other interns.
We talked about her visiting me at the hovel. I'd take the day off and we'd go to the beach. It would give us an opportunity to better gauge Lira's skills and enthusiasm.
Perhaps we could work side-by-side, taking journalism to heights never before scaled.
I imagined that I would guide Lira's conversion to Judaism and that one day she would have my twelve Orthodox children.
It made me sad that this girl was so pressed by her need to get a job that she didn't have the time to fully develop her writing abilities.
Today I found out she's locked up. She could get ten years. At least now she will have the time to recollect in tranquility and make a contribution to modern American literature.
Our wild and crazy relationship began Monday, February 9. I call my friend KB.
Luke: "How was your weekend?"
KB: "Excellent. I had a lot of girls over to the house."
Luke: "For what purpose?"
KB: "To entertain KB, why else?"
Luke: "I hear girls in the background right now."
They're eating breakfast at the Calypso Cafe on the beach in San Diego.
KB: "Yeah. KB's turning into Hugh Hefner."
Luke: "I hear a lot of girls in the background."
KB: "Yes, I had a cute weekend. We all cuddled and watch movies."
Luke: "Did you have ---?"
KB: "Plenty."
Luke: "Are any of them girls I know?"
KB: "No, I'm staying out of the ---- realm."
KB turns to one of his girls, Lira, a dark-skinned, dark-haired, busty Italian-American. "This is the reporter."
Lira: "The ---- activist. That's him?"
Lira comes on the line. "I just guessed that was you on the phone. I was thinking, it's that guy with the accent on TV, the ---- activist.
"One day I said to KB, 'Do I have a chance with that guy on TV?" He said, 'Nope. No way. Not at all. Not a chance in the world. Because you're Italian.' But I look Jewish. I could pull off being Jewish. I could wear one of those stars around your neck if I meet your mother."
Luke: "Would you come to temple with me?"
Lira: "I'd come to the temple with you and everything. Oy ve, baby."
Lira is a student at San Diego City College.
Luke: "How does KB get so many girls to his house?"
Lira: "Every time I go over there, he's got girls at his house. He's got model girlfriends bending over for him. I brought girls over for him the other night and they're arching their backs and stuff."
KB comes back on line.
Luke: "Do you really think that spending the night with two girls in your bed is conducive to your spiritual growth?"
KB: "Absolutely. Every good Hindu should have two women with him at all times."
Lira lived in Gary Kremen's mansion for two months.
Lira: "I was in between houses and I needed somewhere to stay. I knew him through Kevin."
Luke: "Did you date Gary?"
Lira: "I'm not that type of girl. I can support myself. I don't even like people buying me drinks. It freaks me out."
Luke: "How do you support yourself?"
Lira jokes: "I have rich parents. No, I have money saved."
KB: "She's a good girl."
Luke: "Tell me about your hot tub experience with Gary Kremn?"
Lira: "Gary is always in the hot tub. I had my 22nd birthday party there. About 200 people came. He comes out naked and jumps in the hot tub and freaks all my friends out. And then Mark, his maintenance guy, gets naked and jumps in too. And then they kicked my friend Ryan out and then they tried to hit on all my girlfriends. That's it. I don't have any good slander."
Duke: "Did you know that Kevin is in the Industry?"
Lira: "I know. I accompany him to his parties sometimes. I like the Jews. They're all meshuganah [yiddish word for crazy] but I like them.
"I don't know why I'm in such a good mood today. I'm sick. I have to move today. I move a lot. It's a chronic problem of mine. I have bad ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder). I flee the country a lot too. I just went to Tahiti, [four exotic locations I could not catch] and Miami in two months.
"KB's doing this wrap-it-up thing because he's a cheapskate and he doesn't want anybody using up his minutes."
KB: "I have to make a phone call."
Lira: "He gets all nervous and anxious when people are on his phone too long."
I've noticed the same thing. It's like me around bacon.
Lira: "He's sweating right now. He's turning white."
KB: "You love it."
Luke: "I do."
KB: "She's so cute though. If you saw Lira, you'd love her. She's your type. Dark hair, dark sin, brown eyes, big natural -----."
Lira: "You're so bad."
KB: "We're having breakfast. It's the most important meal of the day. I need to make some money. Find somebody who will pay me some money.
"The girls think I should do a reality TV show, KB TV. If you put a camera on my head, you wouldn't believe what goes on."

I call a friend June 29, 2004.

"Our friend Lira is locked up."
I start laughing.
"I thought she had cleaned up her act and wasn't doing this anymore. I'm bummed out by it."
"It sounds like she is better off in jail," I say. "She's so self-destructive."
"I guess she was on the way to Lake Tahoe. She got on the plane. She realized she shouldn't be flying to Lake Tahoe without talking to her probation officer. She got a bad feeling and decides to walk off the plane. She's asked if she is Lira... She says yes. About 20 agents storm her. She didn't have anything on her.
"I got two phone calls from a federal prison last week. Scared me. She gets on the phone and the first thing she says is, 'It's prepaid, you Jew!'
"She hasn't been arraigned yet.
"She says that her phone has been tapped for the last eight months. They took her phone and all her numbers.
"I remember she kept telling me she wanted a job."
"The last I spoke to her, she was asking me to spell certain words for her resume. She was looking to interview. She'd moved to LA. I don't think I'm ever going to see her again."
"It was probably for your good."
"Her friends that I knew, two, went down too. I had no idea they were this big."
"We were having all these talks about spirituality."
"She's going to need it now. You can always write to her. She says she's going to have time to write her book now. Can you imagine? Book spelled b-u-k?"
Amalek writes Luke: "YOU ARE TO BLAME FOR THIS WOMAN'S FALL. Look at what she offered you: she spoke of her love for making love, Jesus Christ, Ham, and yeast. What did you offer her back in return? Nothing. Result? One more white woman not making Jewish babies. Another victory for the other team. Had you responded as she most clearly signaled she wanted you to respond, perhaps you would have purified her to the point of leading her to Judaism, and thence to the chuppah."

Janey writes:

Whoa, that sweet top she's wearing in the first pic, black with cherries all over it, is meant to be worn with the matching panties -- they're underwear. I have been looking at the top every day for the last week, in a shop near the place where I work, thinking how cute cherries are.

Lira is very pretty, which makes her life even more tragic. It's one thing to be an uneducated, ugly criminal -- who cares? -- but there's something very sad about an uneducated, pretty criminal. It didn't have to be that way. She could be working in ---- or mother to Luke's children. Luke, would you marry an ex-con (post-prison) if she converted?

Luke says: Yes, if she was hot like Lira.

"Robert (my new relationship guru) has been telling me about being shomer negiyah. I think I want to find a guy who's into that. Have you ever considered going down that route?"

Certainly. I do every day in every way.