Dave Deutsch 1 Dave
By Dave Deutsch
He’s been said to have “calm of the Dalai Lama, and the charm of David
Niven,” but lately, Luke Ford’s apple has definitely lost its blush.
Whispers following recent appearances by the former male model manqué
once known as the “glossy Aussie” hint that his increasingly erratic
behavior and physical deterioration are signs of some sort of severe
mental and/or physical condition—most likely syphilis. A phone call
from a close personal friend of Ford’s, however, suggested a different
reason. “Luke is distraught,” revealed my source, one of the coterie
of distaff journalists who flock around the handsome expat, “It’s all
because of David Deutsch. Deutsch is a funny guy, but sometimes, he
goes too far. And his comments regarding Luke and Mexican immigrants
are just way off base. He cares so much for legal Mexican immigrants,
and Deutsch’s comments really hurt him, but he’s too much of a tsaddik
to talk about all that he does for them.”
This reporter, for one, was dubious. Luke Ford, caring about Mexican
immigrants? Luke Ford, who, after one wag dubbed him “the kosher Pat
Buchanan,” quipped “No, he’s the treyfe Luke Ford?”
“I know it seems hard to believe,” I was told. “But don’t take my word
for it. Go to Boyle Heights and ask around.”
Still waiting for the punchline, I did just that. Hungry, and hoping
to kill two birds with one stone, I stopped by the unassuming Gonzalez
Taqueria, and found myself eating the best burrito I ever had. I informed
the gentleman behind the counter who I assumed to be Mr. Gonzalez of
that fact, and was stunned by his answer.
“Gracias, but don’t thank me. I owe it all to my friend, Senor Luke.”
“Not Luke Ford?” I inquired.
When he heard the name, his face lit up. “Si, si, you know Senor Luke?
He’s an amazing Mexican chef, and he not only showed me how to make
this burrito, he got me to switch from lard to vegetable oil.” He turned
to show me his profile. “I’ve lost 50 pounds. And he provides the kosher
certification.” He pointed to the wall, and sure enough, there was a
certificate bearing Luke’s own kosher symbol, the “Porn K,” a silhouette
of a well-endowed young woman with a “K” in the middle. I asked the
gentleman if Luke’s position on illegal aliens bothered him.
“Bother me?” he exploded. “It’s because Luke cares so much about us
legals that he feels that way. Look, there used to be this woman who
sold food from a cart down the block from my tacqueria. She paid no
taxes, she paid no rent—she was killing my business. Luke called a contact
of his in La Migra, and the next day, she was gone. He’s a savior, and
I’m not the only one who says so. Go over to Gonzalez Garage and ask
them about Luke.”
I did just that. As I entered, the crowd of vatos working on the low-riders
started to size me up, and it was clear that they found me wanting.
It was an uncomfortable moment, until I mentioned Luke’s name.
“Ese, you asking about El Jefe? Why didn’t you say so,” said the group’s
apparent leader, a young man named Chino who, unlike his peers, had
no tattoos. “El Jefe is our man. When I was in prison, Luke came around
to counsel us—he’s the one who convinced me that it was wrong to make
marks in my flesh, and paid for my tattoo remova. And when I got out,
and I couldn’t get a job because employers would rather higher a damn
illegal than an ex-con, Luke talked to his peeps in the industry and
got me a job as a key grip, and now I’m learning to be a best boy, so
I’ll be an’ effin’ double-threat. You wanna know how we feel about El
Jefe? Look around this garage. What kind of cars we drive?”
I looked around, took it in, and he smiled, proudly.
“That’s right…all Fords. But hey, you really wanna get the 411 on
him, check out the Gonzalez School for Children of Legal Immigrants.
El Jefe is probably there right now.”
And indeed, he was, but by the time I got there, he was absent. Fulsome
praise for Mr. Ford, however, was definitely in attendance. The school’s
headmaster, Jorge Ochocoa told me that without Luke, the school wouldn’t
even exist. “These are children who weren’t being served by the public
schools. Not only were those schools understaffed and ungodly, but the
children of illegal aliens were taking all the good education. By the
time it came around to these kids, all that was left were gerunds and
antonyms. How are they going to succeed with that? But El Angel—that’s
what we call Luke here—arranged with somebody in his synagogue to donate
this old building as a tax write off—he was going to burn it for the
insurance money, anyway, and, until we could raise the money, Luke taught
Luke Ford, teacher? Even after all I’d heard, I was skeptical…until
Mr. Ochocoa showed me the pictures, and the awards Mr. Ford had won.
“But you know, when Presidente Bush gave Mr. Ford this “Points of Light”
award, Luke said to him. “Mr. President, you have it wrong. I’m not
teaching them, they’re teaching me.”
As I drove away from Boyle Heights, I couldn’t help but thinking that
all of us—and especially David Deutsch, whose support for illegal aliens
may have something to do with allegations that he employs low-wage Dominicans
in Washington Heights to grade papers for him—have a lot to learn from
El Angel…Luke Ford.
Big Book Of Jewish Conspiracies
Dave Deutsch, the world's
worst Jewish comedian, writes:
Luke Ford watchers have long been wondering about what happened between
him and David Deutsch.
Deutsch, the charming Humor Editor of Heeb Magazine, was once a frequent
Ford correspondent, perhaps both his most imaginative and unimagined.
While a Ford spokesman insists that the drop-off in Deutsch's submissions
are simply due to increased demands on his time in other areas, people
are beginning to wonder whether there might be something more, given
that the effeminately rugged Australian (voted "Mr. Oceanian Expatrate"
1992-94 and again from 96-99) has yet to make reference to the book
Deutsch and Heeb editor Joshua Neuman just penned, The Big Book of Jewish
Conspiracies, available at Barnes & Noble, Borders, Amazon.com, and
anywhere works of remarkable comic genius are sold.
Is it because Ford considers reading a work of high-quality satire
to be bitul zman, a waste of time that would take him away from his
important misanthropic works?
Is it resentment that, having asked Deutsch to pen one of the innumerable
forewords for one of his innumerable books, he was wounded by the fact
that Deutsch didn't reciprocate for his own alarmingly funny work?
Is it because the notoriously stingy Angeleno, living up to his nickname
"The Outback Jack Benny," refuses to buy the book, depite its brilliant
wordplay, while the equally miserly Deutsch refuses to send him one?
Is it because the clever and witty Big Book of Jewish Conspiracies
just came out last week and he didn't hear about it?
Or is it that Ford, famous for his iconoclasm and independence, has
given in to pressure by the Jewish Establishment to keep silent.
According to one source, Ford, when asked why he hadn't read or reviewed
the book yet, allegedly responded "ADL money can buy a lot of Air Supply
Reunion Tour '05 Tickets and Dr. Reynardo's Magical Monkey Gonad Hair
The eyes of your adopted homeland are upon you, Mr. Ford. What will
Big Book of Jewish Conspiracies Is Pure
Book is the worst book on Judaism I've ever read. It's even worse
than Nothing Sacred by Douglas Rushkoff.
A page into the first chapter, I felt a depression settling over me as
I realized I would have to struggle through another 256-pages of these
lame jokes simply because this book was written by my friends (friends
in the loose Los Angeles sense).
Yes, there were a few moments where I chuckled but oy ve this thing was
heavy lifting without reward.
It reminded me of being stuck in Kalamazoo?,
waiting around for desserts I couldn't eat because it was Passover and
for women I couldn't touch because of my religious beliefs (and the fear
that they'd call the police on me if I did).
I found Big
Book to be a tiresome exercise akin to writing an essay (a form
I hate) for somebody else who's going to have ultimate authority over
my words, have me rewrite them several times, then force me to come up
with a conclusion (at which point I quit because I do not want to be didactic
about parts of my life). OK, this was my experience with Dave Deutsch
as my editor at Heeb magazine, but that's not why I am being nasty now.
I just really hate this book on its own demerits.
I fear that Heeb Editor/Publisher
Joshua Neuman created a monster when he called Dave "the world's
worst Jewish comedian." To any normal man who wanted to be funny,
this title would've been taken as the grossest insult, but for Dave it
only encouraged him...and now we have this awful book destined for remainder
Halfway through, I lay down on my floor and took a nap, hoping to rid
myself of the burden I felt to compose questions for Dave in our upcoming
interview. But there's absolutely nothing I want to know. In fact, the
less I know about the composition of this book (like the composition of
Kalamazoo?) the better. The less said about this book the better. I shouldn't
even be writing this entry.
I felt so upset I couldn't rest and was driven to my keyboard by my commitment
to truth (and that verse in Leviticus about not standing by while your
neighbors are bored) to warn my readers about the sheer awfulness of Big
Book. Frankly, the works of the late William
Pierce are much more entertaining.
It's because of books like Big
Book that gas chambers were built.
I won't be surprised if some rednecks tie Dave and Josh to a pickup truck
and drag them around Manhattan until they promise not to publish anymore.
I am not endorsing this type of behavior. I just say that I would understand
In This Week's Torah Portion We Learn About The Exodus
Rabbis Dave Deutsch
and Joshua Neuman translate
the ancient Hebrew into the modern idiom in their new work, The Big
Book of Jewish Conspiracies:
As the Hebrews passed by, organizers for the United Hebrew Trades convinced
the Nubian slaves working the buckets to join them. In a last act of
defiance, they broke open the Reed Sea Dam, and the swamp began to fill
in again, just as the Egyptian army arrived. Trapped in the rapidly
filling swamp, the army soon became the navy, and a very unsuccessful
navy, what with the drowning, poor navigation skills, and discomfort
with the whole situational homosexuality thing.
Every Saturday morning in a traditional synagogue, we read aloud the
Haftorah (which translates into English as the Book of Profits). In this
week's portion, we cover the story of David Vs. Goliath:
"David's so beautiful, so pure," sighed an Israelite woman.
You should have seen him three years ago, thought Samuel the Prophet,
as he nodded to one of his runners to go and lay another bet on David.
When Samuel -- who was known as "the Prophet" because of
his seemingly uncanny ability to predict the outcome of sporting events...
Rabbis Deutsch and
Neuman tackle the Jesus
story in their new book:
He was known for his smooth tongue, a skill that translated to great
success with the ladies, as an epidemic of "virgin births"
during his two years on campus would confirm.
Then there was the time that he was caught in Flagrante Delicto with
Cindy Magdalene, Mary's sluttier young sister. Although it wasn't grounds
for expulsion, it could have resulted in Galilee House losing its charter,
but when Jesus defended himself by asking the council, "Let he
who has been without Cindy cast the first stone," even Dean Pilate
had to look away shamefacedly.