I like to think of myself as a moralist, but I must admit that the shape of a young woman can have a profound affect on me.

Here's Lainie Speiser [picture of her sandwiched between Linn Thomas on the left, and Dr. Victoria Zdrok on the right], publicist of Penthouse.

Here are some more of her emails to be (published with her permission):

As a survivor of 9 years at Yeshiva of Hudson County in Union City, NJ I can tell you, no woman can be possibly sexual AND orthodox at the same time. The rules of orthodoxy don't allow it because it doesn't allow a woman to shine in any way shape or form whether it be showing her hair or singing in public.

Last week at my gym, I noticed an orthodox woman (I go to an all girls gym) watching me work out. I knew she was orthodox from her wig and the fact that she was wearing an oversize dowdy floor length skirt. Anyway, she came by to ask me about some arm exercises I was doing, I gave her some advice and she walked away. I wanted to ask her why the hell she was wearing her wig and skirt in the company of other women, it is after all an women's only gym.

I felt sorry for this woman, really, really sorry. I spent Yom Kippur at my mothers house. I struck a deal with her -- that I'd go to evening services Friday night and closing evening services on Saturday night. While my father, mother and sister were at the day services on Saturday I smoked pot like a teenager, with my body halfway out of the window, I napped, and I read a great book by a great pulp fiction writer. I didn't eat, I didn't drink, but you see Luke I contemplate my existance every single damn day, I scold myself for any bad behavior every single damn day, and I try to be the best person I can be every damn day.

Hashem knows this very well about me, and I think he would've approved at how I spent Yom Kippur. And more than anything I made my family happy by being there.

Orthodox!? Hell no! I did suffer a horrible eight years at Yeshiva of Hudson County from ages five through 13. But try as I may I cannot get any of those song-prayers out of my head, I remember all my blessings and if you put a sider in front of me I probably could still read the blasted thing. My Mom drags me to Temple once a year during High Holy Days and last year I took a novel (with the cover off) and it was so much more pleasant for me.

I believe in god believe it or not, but in all religions, well they're all bunk to me, and encourage seperatist behavior. I'm very spiritual and try to be the best person I can be, but I don't need to go to a building or read the words someone else wrote to prove it.

This business (behind the scenes) is all Catholics 'n Jews.

I grew up a sephardic jew first generation American (Mom is from Tangiers, Dad is from Argentina), and while my Mom did keep a kosher home we ate whatever we wanted outside of the home. I don't keep kosher now in or outside my house. That's another ridiculous rule. All these things need to be updated. Dietary restrictions were made during the "bible days" because of lack of refridgeration etc. Now its silly, although I agree, pork is not good for anyone. But I love lobster and crab and all that other shellfish.

I remember a song they taught us as little kids in Yeshiva, it went, "...all the animals that we eat must chew their cud and have split feet..." My older sister keeps kosher, although not religious and married a Southern Blond Goy (my sister and I love our men vanilla). I don't know why she does, I've tried to get her to try lobster but she won't do it.

Yom Tovin? Whats that? I know what Yom Tov, but what's Yom Tovin?

What made you want to convert to Judaism? Are you orthodox?

My Dad is an atheist, but yet has always been really into being a jew because of the history and politics, and although he shacked up with a fair shair of shiksas, mainly of the Latina variety, he told me in his heart it didn't feel right, that he knew he would only marry a jewish girl.

I've been on TV a few times because of my job, and my Mom is mortified when her fellow Temple Beth Abraham brothers and sisters say they saw me on TV. But they're cool about it for the most part.

What's "shaygetzes?"

I guess it is divine compared to other religions. I mean I like the fact that we don't pray to false idols for instance. But I don't like the orthodox way towards women --- covering your hair because its only for your husband and not being able to sing in public.... I lived in Williamsburg, Brooklyn a while ago, we lived walking distance to the Satmars, and although they wouldn't put money in my hand when giving me change back (they owned the best bakery), they had know problem piling into their beat up old station wagon trolling for crack ho's. I just really really hate the hypocrisy.

Which brings me to my next question ... how is it an orthodox jew peddles and/or pushes ----? Or are you some kinda "modern" orthodox? Do you go to temple every saturday? Do you pray every morning? Do you keep Sabbath?

I guess you can say I've only dated non jews. Recently tho' I hooked up with a real jewish cutie, not a boyfriend/girlfriend thing, more of a casual thing, and I think it was cool with me because he's from Tennessee. Other than that I've been on a date here and a date there, nothing really came of it, one guy had an anxiety attack on the date. NYC jews should lighten up I think.

Well Luke, y'know you have a name in adult entertainment, no? I don't dig p--- myself. I think of myself as a drug dealer who doesn't do the drugs, which is how I've been able to stay in it so long. But I don't think it should be abolished, and anyway, it could never be. P---, like prostitution, will never fade. I like the business of it though, obviously I've chosen to remain in it.

And you know with all this FCC hassle going on, lately it makes me proud to be in this business. Enjoying freedoms isn't just about what each individual likes, but most importantly even what you don't like. Of course I wouldn't support say a Nazi magazine, but it is their right to publish it.

Get out of town, you are shomer negiya? I can't imagine a man whose shomer negiya asking me how Jim Goad knows about the size of my breasts (he's met me in person by the way, thats how he knows, we've know each other for awhile now, distantly obviously, but stayed in good contact. He's one of the coolest, smartest I've ever met). What kind of shomer negiya are you ... no touching at all or no sex? I've seen many varieties.

The Satmars did try to get action off me, you know, anyone who isn't one of them might as well be a crack ho. Hey I guess I sound pretty Jew harsh, obviously this has brought much good into your life and thats great. Maybe if you'd have had my religious background you'd think differently, but maybe not. I'm not religious or political. I'm in the business of the politics of people. People are what interest me the most. But of course most of my family is Republican because they're pro Isreal. For me, well I just don't want to be told how to live, whether its about abortion or religion or smoking or p---.

One of my henchmen emailed me a link to your Looking for a Wife site. I got a big kick out of it. I do know of two very marriage minded Jewesses who would love to settle down and have babies and go to Temple and make latkas. One has a very good job working for the DA's office in Queens (and she shares your politics). The other doesn't have as great a career but is highly educated and hasn't had intercourse in so long I'd say she's a born again virgin. And they are both attractive too (the woman who works for the DA's office has very very shiny chestnut colored hair and green eyes).

But alas your age requirements I feel are too stiff. They are older than me, in their late 30s (they are close friends of my older sister). But Luke, its very common for women to pop our children in their late 30s and early 40s. My Mother had me well into middle age and had no problem getting preggo at all, in fact with both her pregnancies she got knocked up right away, my sister was conceived on the Honeymoon and I was conceived on their anniversary four years later.

So although I found all your requirements extremely reasonable, I think you could bend on the age thang. After all sir, you are no spring chicken, how do we know your sperm is still vital?

I thought all the other requirements were fine, and you weren't too physically picky either (and I totally agree about the hip to waist ratio that is the most important part of the female form in my opinion). It was just the age. Because younger women aren't necessarily so marriage and children minded, but then again, we are talking JEWS aren't we?

See I didn't throw my marital hat in the ring because although I do have long hair and a good waist to hip ratio and am jewish and smart, I'm too much of a bad girl for you, I smoke cigarettes and weed and enjoy cocktails and I wouldn't join you in temple every week and then there is the p---- peddler job that I very much enjoy. Too bad my Mother would have adored you.

Well then Mr. Ford, if a lot is tongue and cheek, may I take the liberty to ask about your oral views as expressed on the site? Because ---- --- - mutually - is one of the greatest pleasures in the world, and I feel it IS safe --- actually. And I would never perform oral on anyone if they were wearing a condom - GROSS! Are you that germaphobic or just a man that really isn't into performing it but doesn't want to flat out say it?

I hope that was part of the joke, because I could never in good faith recommend a man who is uptight in these areas.

Well sir, that is a pity. And that isn't fair either. You'd probably get a lot more ----, and more importantly enthusiastic ----, if you acquired a taste for it. But that's an Aussie thing isn't it? I haven't had relations with any Australians, but I got this report from a close friend of mine long ago.

Luke I think Hashem is very dissapointed in you and perhaps that is why you haven't had the naches to meet the right lady yet. Don't you know you'd be performing a great mitzvah by putting your selfish views aside and giving? I think you must have experienced some nasty hairy hygenically challenged girl in Australia and it turned you off for good.

Ha, if Torah gave me orgasms I wouldn't have left Yeshiva for good at the age of 13! But it is chock full of dirty stories, this is true. Now I'm going to be a nice jewish girl and not relay this to Victoria [Zdrok]. She would be very disenchanted with you if she heard that.

Lainie Speiser posts to Protocols:

Yes as someone who still goes to an orthodox shul it is indeed very sexual exciting when the men and women are separated. In my temple the men are on the ground floor and the women are on a balcony above. And there is a whole lot of men checking us out from above, but of course most of the men that look me over are married with several children.

And yes the mystery might make it sexy for the men but what of the women? Again this is totally a man's sexuality nothing that benefits a woman.

Yes I do think G-d does approve of me and what I do because I'm honest first of all, and second of all I believe the most important commandment, Do unto others as you'd have done unto you. There is a Rabbi who said you could sum up the entire Torah on one foot with that one line.

Live and let live I say. as long as its positive and good and human.

But hypocrisy, well as someone who lived in Williamsburg for awhile it never ceased to amaze me about how many satmars would load into a beat up old station wagon looking for crack hos to perform five dollar BJ's. Yes I'm a porn peddler and have met many many orthodox people who are huge porn fans. I was at an S&M event, The Black and Blue ball are met many orthodox men and hasids there. Also, three orhodox men started a porno site with me a few years ago. Of course no one in their temple knew of this.

I believe in god and feel him within me all the time because I have an open mind, heart and soul. Thats all thats needed.

Orthodox Sado-Masochism

VFB writes:

Ms. Speiser notes that she saw many Orthodox men at an S&M event. From various articles and anecdotes, it seems that a disproportionate amount of Orthodox individuals are into S&M. I wonder if this is not the result of a mindset that is deeply imbedded in Orthodox religious belief, which associates punishment with affection.

The Talmud states that the Jews acceptance of God at Mount Sinai was similar to a wedding, with Jews as the Bride and God as the Groom. They entered into an S&M relationship. Jews believe that they are the chosen people, and yet they seem to be abused a great deal by the one that chose them. This can cause people to believe that there is a relationship between affection and abuse.

Think into prayer. So much of it consists acknowledging our nothingness, referring to ourselves as a slave, and begging our master for forgiveness so that we can avoid punishment. If the master were not God, but Mistress Whoever, much of prayer would read like an S&M fantasy.

Der Nister writes on Protocols:

To each his own, Lainie, to each his own. The more you suppress sexuality, the more sexual desire morphs to accomodate the suppression. Wrap a woman in a sheitl or a burka, then the wisp of hair that escapes becomes intensely erotic. Send the hemlines to the floor, and the glimpse of stocking is something shocking. You can even argue, using the "don't think of elephants test," that all this suppression only intensifies the erotic atmosphere.

Go to a typical Reform Friday night service, where women and men sit side by side and anything goes dress-wise, and you'd find more of a sexual buzz at the Motor Vehicles Bureau. Head to a hasidische shul and note all the sweating, the tight-packed bodies, the swaying and moaning, the peeks over the mehitza (in both directions). You can tell me Orthodoxy has channeled sexual energy, but they have far from eliminated it.

Lainie Speiser writes:

At the S&M event, The Black and Blue Ball I spoke with one Orthodox man at quite a length about all this. I spoke with him because kept coming around the talent for foot worship (he was worshipping). He did say that his fascination was partly due to the domineering jewish mother very common in jewish families, and also because this was sexually gratifying contact without feeling he was cheating on his wife and mother of his children. I asked him if his wife knew he was there, of course she did not, though he did say he'd love to share this with her but he could barely get her into bed as it was. An very close long time friend of mine was once called Mistress Ruby and she has a book on Amazon, anyway, she told me the majority of her clients were either Catholics or Orthodox Jews. In fact one client would whole up in the dungeon for days at a time doing cocaine and having several doms service him, and they're job was to make sure he made it back to his suburban home in time for Sabbath. In this case, his wife KNEW of this and when he was missing for a few days she'd call the dungeon looking for him.

R. Brand, don't feel sorry for me hon, I live a lovely and happy life, and boruch hashem I'm fine. I don't see what the harm is in looking at photos of naked bodies, but if you do, thats cool, don't look at them then. We're not slaves to anybody anymore are we. Let My Porno Go!

To the S&M thing, I just remembered how at the Seder table me and my friends (as my mother encouraged me to bring friends, especially gentile ones to Passover so they would learn our story) would giggle when someone would read the line, "Please deliver me from the House of Bondage."

And Alex, this is why so many jews stray, because its always all or nothing with orthodox people and thats just crazy. Anyone who does SOMETHING should be applauded. Even if you just get together with your family for dinner on Rosh Hashanah, thats great. Even if you just eat matzah for one or two days on Passover, that fine. As long as we remember who we are, what we came from, and pass our identities on, thats what counts. But we should be free to be who we are and live the way we want to as long as we're being good to our fellow man. This kind of "We don't like you evil jew porn peddler" this isn't very loving and nice and godly.