I like to think of myself as a moralist, but I must admit that the shape of a young woman can have a profound affect on me.
Here's Lainie Speiser [picture of her sandwiched between Linn Thomas on the left, and Dr. Victoria Zdrok on the right], publicist of Penthouse.
Here are some more of her emails to be (published with her permission):
As a survivor of 9 years at Yeshiva of Hudson County in Union City, NJ I can tell you, no woman can be possibly sexual AND orthodox at the same time. The rules of orthodoxy don't allow it because it doesn't allow a woman to shine in any way shape or form whether it be showing her hair or singing in public.
Last week at my gym, I noticed an orthodox woman (I go to an all girls gym) watching me work out. I knew she was orthodox from her wig and the fact that she was wearing an oversize dowdy floor length skirt. Anyway, she came by to ask me about some arm exercises I was doing, I gave her some advice and she walked away. I wanted to ask her why the hell she was wearing her wig and skirt in the company of other women, it is after all an women's only gym.
I felt sorry for this woman, really, really sorry. I spent Yom Kippur at my mothers house. I struck a deal with her -- that I'd go to evening services Friday night and closing evening services on Saturday night. While my father, mother and sister were at the day services on Saturday I smoked pot like a teenager, with my body halfway out of the window, I napped, and I read a great book by a great pulp fiction writer. I didn't eat, I didn't drink, but you see Luke I contemplate my existance every single damn day, I scold myself for any bad behavior every single damn day, and I try to be the best person I can be every damn day.
Hashem knows this very well about me, and I think he would've approved at how I spent Yom Kippur. And more than anything I made my family happy by being there.
Orthodox!? Hell no! I did suffer a horrible eight years at Yeshiva of Hudson County from ages five through 13. But try as I may I cannot get any of those song-prayers out of my head, I remember all my blessings and if you put a sider in front of me I probably could still read the blasted thing. My Mom drags me to Temple once a year during High Holy Days and last year I took a novel (with the cover off) and it was so much more pleasant for me.
I believe in god believe it or not, but in all religions, well they're all bunk to me, and encourage seperatist behavior. I'm very spiritual and try to be the best person I can be, but I don't need to go to a building or read the words someone else wrote to prove it.
This business (behind the scenes) is all Catholics 'n Jews.
I grew up a sephardic jew first generation American (Mom is from Tangiers, Dad is from Argentina), and while my Mom did keep a kosher home we ate whatever we wanted outside of the home. I don't keep kosher now in or outside my house. That's another ridiculous rule. All these things need to be updated. Dietary restrictions were made during the "bible days" because of lack of refridgeration etc. Now its silly, although I agree, pork is not good for anyone. But I love lobster and crab and all that other shellfish.
I remember a song they taught us as little kids in Yeshiva, it went, "...all the animals that we eat must chew their cud and have split feet..." My older sister keeps kosher, although not religious and married a Southern Blond Goy (my sister and I love our men vanilla). I don't know why she does, I've tried to get her to try lobster but she won't do it.
Yom Tovin? Whats that? I know what Yom Tov, but what's Yom Tovin?
What made you want to convert to Judaism? Are you orthodox?
My Dad is an atheist, but yet has always been really into being a jew because of the history and politics, and although he shacked up with a fair shair of shiksas, mainly of the Latina variety, he told me in his heart it didn't feel right, that he knew he would only marry a jewish girl.
I've been on TV a few times because of my job, and my Mom is mortified when her fellow Temple Beth Abraham brothers and sisters say they saw me on TV. But they're cool about it for the most part.
I guess it is divine compared to other religions. I mean I like the fact that we don't pray to false idols for instance. But I don't like the orthodox way towards women --- covering your hair because its only for your husband and not being able to sing in public.... I lived in Williamsburg, Brooklyn a while ago, we lived walking distance to the Satmars, and although they wouldn't put money in my hand when giving me change back (they owned the best bakery), they had know problem piling into their beat up old station wagon trolling for crack ho's. I just really really hate the hypocrisy.
Which brings me to my next question ... how is it an orthodox jew peddles and/or pushes ----? Or are you some kinda "modern" orthodox? Do you go to temple every saturday? Do you pray every morning? Do you keep Sabbath?
I guess you can say I've only dated non jews. Recently tho' I hooked up with a real jewish cutie, not a boyfriend/girlfriend thing, more of a casual thing, and I think it was cool with me because he's from Tennessee. Other than that I've been on a date here and a date there, nothing really came of it, one guy had an anxiety attack on the date. NYC jews should lighten up I think.
Well Luke, y'know you have a name in adult entertainment, no? I don't dig p--- myself. I think of myself as a drug dealer who doesn't do the drugs, which is how I've been able to stay in it so long. But I don't think it should be abolished, and anyway, it could never be. P---, like prostitution, will never fade. I like the business of it though, obviously I've chosen to remain in it.
And you know with all this FCC hassle going on, lately it makes me proud to be in this business. Enjoying freedoms isn't just about what each individual likes, but most importantly even what you don't like. Of course I wouldn't support say a Nazi magazine, but it is their right to publish it.
Get out of town, you are shomer negiya? I can't imagine a man whose shomer negiya asking me how Jim Goad knows about the size of my breasts (he's met me in person by the way, thats how he knows, we've know each other for awhile now, distantly obviously, but stayed in good contact. He's one of the coolest, smartest I've ever met). What kind of shomer negiya are you ... no touching at all or no sex? I've seen many varieties.
The Satmars did try to get action off me, you know, anyone who isn't one of them might as well be a crack ho. Hey I guess I sound pretty Jew harsh, obviously this has brought much good into your life and thats great. Maybe if you'd have had my religious background you'd think differently, but maybe not. I'm not religious or political. I'm in the business of the politics of people. People are what interest me the most. But of course most of my family is Republican because they're pro Isreal. For me, well I just don't want to be told how to live, whether its about abortion or religion or smoking or p---.
One of my henchmen emailed me a link to your Looking for a Wife site. I got a big kick out of it. I do know of two very marriage minded Jewesses who would love to settle down and have babies and go to Temple and make latkas. One has a very good job working for the DA's office in Queens (and she shares your politics). The other doesn't have as great a career but is highly educated and hasn't had intercourse in so long I'd say she's a born again virgin. And they are both attractive too (the woman who works for the DA's office has very very shiny chestnut colored hair and green eyes).
But alas your age requirements I feel are too stiff. They are older than me, in their late 30s (they are close friends of my older sister). But Luke, its very common for women to pop our children in their late 30s and early 40s. My Mother had me well into middle age and had no problem getting preggo at all, in fact with both her pregnancies she got knocked up right away, my sister was conceived on the Honeymoon and I was conceived on their anniversary four years later.
So although I found all your requirements extremely reasonable, I think you could bend on the age thang. After all sir, you are no spring chicken, how do we know your sperm is still vital?
I thought all the other requirements were fine, and you weren't too physically picky either (and I totally agree about the hip to waist ratio that is the most important part of the female form in my opinion). It was just the age. Because younger women aren't necessarily so marriage and children minded, but then again, we are talking JEWS aren't we?
See I didn't throw my marital hat in the ring because although I do have long hair and a good waist to hip ratio and am jewish and smart, I'm too much of a bad girl for you, I smoke cigarettes and weed and enjoy cocktails and I wouldn't join you in temple every week and then there is the p---- peddler job that I very much enjoy. Too bad my Mother would have adored you.
Well then Mr. Ford, if a lot is tongue and cheek, may I take the liberty to ask about your oral views as expressed on the site? Because ---- --- - mutually - is one of the greatest pleasures in the world, and I feel it IS safe --- actually. And I would never perform oral on anyone if they were wearing a condom - GROSS! Are you that germaphobic or just a man that really isn't into performing it but doesn't want to flat out say it?
I hope that was part of the joke, because I could never in good faith recommend a man who is uptight in these areas.
Well sir, that is a pity. And that isn't fair either. You'd probably get a lot more ----, and more importantly enthusiastic ----, if you acquired a taste for it. But that's an Aussie thing isn't it? I haven't had relations with any Australians, but I got this report from a close friend of mine long ago.
Luke I think Hashem is very dissapointed in you and perhaps that is why you haven't had the naches to meet the right lady yet. Don't you know you'd be performing a great mitzvah by putting your selfish views aside and giving? I think you must have experienced some nasty hairy hygenically challenged girl in Australia and it turned you off for good.
Ha, if Torah gave me orgasms I wouldn't have left Yeshiva for good at the age of 13! But it is chock full of dirty stories, this is true. Now I'm going to be a nice jewish girl and not relay this to Victoria [Zdrok]. She would be very disenchanted with you if she heard that.
Der Nister writes on Protocols: