Email Luke Essays Profiles Archives Search LF.net Luke Ford Profile Dennis Prager Apr 11

LA's Top Ten Blogs

Joseph Mailander writes on Joyrides:

10) Finally, Luke Ford. Whatever it was, whatever it is, whatever it may yet be. Of course, it’s schizophrenic, it knows no boundaries, and Luke Ford Himself may be a former Branch Davidian, a former pornographic journalist, a former Australian, a current Orthodox Jew, a current American, a current scary guy in a van. He has a passion for creating an impenetrable haze from which the truth can be difficult to extract and yet he has a passion for telling the truth. Deeply conflicted, often doubtful, often over-the-top, often deranged, it all generally keeps me entertained, and the show never stops. I have to confess it’s better when you’re drunk, but that’s true of many things.

Why must Cathy Seipp write about breasts?

That scares and disturbs me. I also think it will make flat-chested women feel bad. And men like me who can't feel any breasts, that luxuriant softness, will feel bad too.

Heather Mac Donald writes: "Love the travails of Luke Ford fan site, but am wondering at your restraint in only obliquely commenting on the long overdue, highly welcome "HIV crisis." My nomination for most pompous pro-Christianity article ever written, "Religion in America" in March 2004 New Criterion. A friend thought it may save me from an eternity in hell, but it may turn even your stomach."

From the Internet's Number One Luke Ford Fan Site:

The "Lost" Interview

A couple of months ago I conducted a telephone interview with Luke Ford. It went well, I thought. But a few hours later, as I was transcribing the tape, a frantic Luke called and begged me not to publish our conversation. I listened carefully and, being a good guy, I agreed, but only if he promised never to steal content from my fan blog ever again. He said: "Yes!" Soon after I lost interest in blogging and my fan site went on extended hiatus. Now I'm back and, alas, I see that Luke is stealing from me again.

I have asked Luke nicely to stop doing this. I have told him sternly. I even visited the hovel one day with a baseball bat in a desperate attempt to impress upon him just how naughty his copy-and-paste behavior is. He refused to open the door. I knocked non-stop for 5 hours but he wouldn't come out. Looking through the window, I saw him hiding under his computer desk -- shaking with fear. Eventually, I got bored and went home.

I'm at the end of my tether. I truly feel that I have no choice but to publish the following conversation. I will gladly remove it from my fan site, if -- and only if -- Luke agrees to stop stealing from me. Unfortunately, I highly doubt that this is going to happen. Reading through our interview again, I can't see a single comment that he would find embarrassing.

LFFB: You are variously listed on the Internet as being anywhere from 5-6 to 5-10 tall. Exactly how tall are you?

LF: Barefoot?

LFFB: Yeah.

LF: 5-6¾.

LFFB: I'm so sorry.

LF: I know it's awful. My hair is greying and, worse still, thinning. I'm chubby and I'm just 5-6¾ tall.

LFFB: But in your pictures you don't look that short.

LF: Whenever I leave the hovel, I put on multiple pairs of socks. So many, in fact, that I end up being about 5-9¼. I round up and tell everyone that I'm 5-10.

LFFB: All those socks -- hundreds and hundreds -- it sounds so uncomfortable.

LF: Discomfort is relative. Trust me it's less uncomfortable than going through life as a 5-6¾ man, especially as I also happen to be chubby.

LFFB: How much do you weigh?

LF: In pounds?

LFFB: If you could, please.

LF: I don't know. I bought my scales in Australia so they're metric and I don't know how to convert from kilograms to pounds. I think it's 1.5 kilos to 1 pound, but I'm not sure.

LFFB: How many kilos do you weigh?

LF: 113.

LFFB: So that makes you what, 170 pounds?

LF: That sounds good to me.

LFFB: No that can't be right. Hold on let me check something ... It's 2.2 kilograms to a pound.

LF: Really? Damn!

LFFB: So you actually weigh 248.6 pounds.

LF: That much, huh?

LFFB: I'm afraid so.

LF: It must be all the lithium that I take for my depression.

LFFB: Sounds like a vicious cycle to me. You're 5-6 and 250lb. Doesn't that depress you?

LF: 5-6¾.

LFFB: I'm sorry, 5-6¾.

LF: And 113 kilos.

LFFB: Or 248.6 pounds.

LF: I prefer to use kilograms. It makes me sound thinner, which helps with my depression.

LFFB: But again the photos of you on the Internet ...

LF: Well actually I have a little secret about those.

LFFB: Please tell.

LF: I have a policy that no one is allowed to publish any photo of me without my prior approval. Basically I demand to see each photo first.

LFFB: What do you do with them?

LF: I manipulate them in Photoshop. Basically I elongate them to make me look svelte.

LFFB: For the ladies?

LF: Yeah, and for me -- what with my depression and all.

LFFB: Speaking of the ladies, are you still working as a gigolo?

LF: No, I had to give that up.

LFFB: The AIDs scare, huh?

LF: No, actually it was because of my use of Propecia for my thinning hair.

LFFB: I don't understand.

LF: Well lets put it this way: I've gone from being the Dion Sanders of lovers to being the Pee Wee Herman of lovers.

LFFB: Shrinkage?

LF: Yeah, it's an unfortunate side affect of the drug.

LFFB: So you're 5-6 and ...

LF: No, I'm 5-6¾.

LFFB: Right, 5-6¾ and 113 kilos, with greying, thinning hair and a pee wee-sized johnson. Do I have that right?

LF: Can we change topics please?

LFFB: Of course, of course ...

LF: What with my depression and all.

LFFB: ... I understand. I want to go back to the gigolo business again if I could -- just for a couple of seconds.

LF: Sure.

LFFB: What got you started?

LF: Well originally I came to LA to be a model, but the work was scarce.

LFFB: Because you are only 5-6?

LF: No, I'm 5-6¾.

LFFB: Sorry, 5-6¾.

LF: Yeah I think that was part of it. I don't know, I mean I have a pretty face.

LFFB: Back to the hooking.

LF: Oh right. Well there is a Jewish Center For Assisted Living just down the street from my hovel, and I used to hang out there on bingo nights looking to earn some easy money.

LFFB: Is this an old folks home?

LF: Yeah, but they call them "assisted living centers" these days -- sounds better I guess.

LFFB: Okay, assisted living ...

LF: Anyway, I would wink at the ladies in the lobby, and if I got a response I would give them my business card: "Luke Ford -- The Dion Sanders of Lovers!"

LFFB: And that got their attention, no doubt.

LF: Sometimes. But more often than not they would call Security and I would get hauled off and dumped on the sidewalk outside.

LFFB: Ouch!

LF: That didn't stop me though. I had to pay my rent.

LFFB: Of course. So what happened when you got, er, lucky.

LF: Well I would take her back to the hovel.

LFFB: Then what?

LF: Do you really want to know?

LFFB: Hmmm, you're probably right. Let's move on. But one last thing. Was hooking financially rewarding for you?

LF: Not really.

LFFB: How come?

LF: Well a lot of times I had to give the women their $150 back. They were always threatening to report me to the Better Business Bureau.

LFFB: Because of non-performance?

LF: Yeah, I have a lot of, er, problems down there. But even on the rare occasions when everything worked they would still complain.

LFFB: Why?

LF: Because Jewish women just tend to complain, I guess. I'm not sure really. I think I'm a good lover. I mean, I practice a lot when I'm alone and I seem to be pretty good at it.

LFFB: But that's different, I think.

LF: Oh.

LFFB: Was it all bad?

LF: The hooking?

LFFB: Yeah.

LF: No, I can't say it was all bad. I had a few pleasant encounters.

LFFB: Was that where you met Cathy Seipp?

LF: What?

LFFB: Was that ....

LF: No, no she's not that old.


LF: No, we met as part of the United Way's "Companionship For Shut-Ins" program?

LFFB: I'm sorry, I don't understand.

LF: About 4 or 5 years ago, when I was down on my luck ...

LFFB: As opposed to 2 or 3 years ago, or 6 or 7 years ago ...

LF: Are you trying to be funny?

LFFB: No, I don't think so.

LF: Anyway, I decided to call to see if I could have someone sent over to be my friend.

LFFB: Charity friendship?

LF: Yeah, something like that. As I said I was lonely at the time and ...

LFFB: But hold on. You're not a shut-in.

LF: Well I bought a wheelchair on eBay and pretended that I was disabled.

LFFB: That's terrible.

LF: I lie. I cheat. I steal. Really this was nothing compared to some of the scams I've pulled on people.

LFFB: And they sent around Cathy Seipp?

LF: Yes, she was doing volunteer work at the time. I think she was between writing gigs or something. I don't know really.

LFFB: What did you think when you first saw her. I mean were you sexually attracted to her?

LF: No, not really. She isn't my type.

LFFB: What is you type?

LF: Let's see. Well, I prefer the flat-chested look.

LFFB: Hmmm.

LF: Muscles. I like muscles.

LFFB: So she wasn't butch enough for you, then?

LF: Yeah something like that.

LFFB: But most people on the Internet think that you are madly in love with Cathy. That's not true?

LF: No. Cathy Seipp is madly in love with me, but I think of her as just a friend. Really from my perspective there's no sexual attraction at all.

LFFB: What about Jackie D? Are are you madly in love with her?

LF: No. Jackie D. is madly in love with me, but I think of her as just a friend. Really from my perspective there's no sexual attraction at all.

LF: How about Amy Alkon?

LF: No. Amy Alkon is madly in love with me, but I think of her as just a friend. Really from my perspective there's no sexual attraction at all.

LFFB: Heather MacDonald?

LF: No. Heather MacDonald is madly in love with me, but I think of her as just a friend. Really from my perspective there's no sexual attraction at all.

LFFB: And Nancy Rommelmann?

LF: No. Nancy Rommelmann is madly in love with me, but I think of her as just a friend. Really from my perspective there's no sexual attraction at all.

LFFB: How about Moxie?

LF: No. Moxie is madly in love with me, but I think of her as just a friend. Really from my perspective there's no sexual attraction at all.

LFFB: Emmanuelle Richard?

LF: No. Emmanuelle Richard is madly in love with me, but I think of her as just a friend. Really from my perspective there's no sexual attraction at all.

LFFB: Dawn Eden?

LF: No. Dawn Eden is madly in love with me, but I think of her as just a friend. Really from my perspective there's no sexual attraction at all.

LFFB: Tiffany Stone?

LF: No. Tiffany Stone is madly in love with me, but I think of her as just a friend. Really from my perspective there's no sexual attraction at all.

LFFB: Sarah Weinman?

LF: No. Sarah Weinman is madly in love with me, but I think of her as just a friend. Really from my perspective there's no sexual attraction at all.

LFFB: Kendra Jade?

LF: No. Kendra Jade is madly in love with me, but I think of her as just a friend. Really from my perspective there's no sexual attraction at all.

LFFB: You are so very popular with the ladies! What is your secret?

LF: Good looks, intelligence, charm, etc., etc., really I don't know what I have that makes me so special. But I've obviously got something.

LFFB: Yet you don't seem to be sexually attracted to any of these women. Why?

LF: I guess you're right. I hadn't even noticed.

LFFB: Is there any woman you are sexually attracted to?

LF: Umm, let me think ....

LFFB: It's been 3 hours and 49 minutes, are you still thinking?

LF: Yeah, I can't ... Oh hold on. Do trannies count?


LF: I'm sorry, I can't seem to come up with anyone.

LFFB: Really?

LF: Yeah, does that mean anything?

LFFB: I don't know dude. Maybe.

LF: Now I'm getting depressed. I think I'll take a few lithium tablets and listen to my Air Supply "Greatest Hits" 8-Track. I also like Peter Allen, the Village People ...


LF: ... Abba, well ½ of Abba, Bette Midler (but not in a sexual way), Gloria Gaynor (but not in a sexual way), and ... Hello ... Hello ... are you still there? ... You-hoo ... Hello ....

Painful UJ Speaker Night

Tom Brokaw and Ari Fleischer, at best, are dull. Dee Dee Meyers look like she could be a lot of fun. It doesn't appear you'd have to work to get her off message.

UJ board chair Dena Schechter (married to former congressman Mel Levine) is unbearable. She praised dean Gady Levy for his "programmatic growth" and "pedagogical abilities."

Emmanuelle Richard Reports For Liberation Paper On San Fernando Valley's HIV Crisis

Here's a translation of my part of the article by my friend Dawn:

Thanks to the discoveries of Luke Ford, at the time a porn-industry web reporter, the industry was forced to face the error of its ways. Wearing a condom became more widespread during filiming at certain production houses, and the porn industry gained a greater degree of transparency. "What a contrast from six years ago," notes Luke Ford, who sold his porn-industry information site and since then operates LukeFord.net. "You have a half-dozen websites listing people exposed to the virus, who worked with whom, who is under quarantine, information that is rapidly updated. Simply put, everything I was doing in 1998 while withstanding the scorn (rain of insults) of the industry."

However, since Attorney General John Ashcroft has launched an open war against the porn industry, Luke Ford predicts a growing level of panic. "The porn industry is in hysterics since a new wave of infection could precipitate new regulations and government involvement."

The New Head Of Hamas Wants Supplemental Insurance Benefits And A Hefty Signing Bonus

Cathy Seipp Should Be On The Radio

Leaderless Sam-On-Rye writes Cathy:

See? You are a natural for radio/TV. My master plan for you is that you begin doing guest gigs, then work your way up to sidekick for some lesser talent not long for the airwaves. After a suitable training period, it becomes obvious to the powers that be that you, Cathy Seipp, ought to have your own show, and you do. Commercial time is sold on said show, and for a premium, generating profits from which a handsome salary is paid to you, of which a tenth goes to me in gratitude for having guided you along the path to popularity, power, and prosperity. You are a smart woman, Cathy, and as a fully realized adult, you know that sometimes hard work pays off. And it will - for you.

I think that once you establish yourself, you will need a reliable "beta male" to be your sidekick, someone who won't overshadow you with his intellect and who certainly won't work overtime trying to show you up or otherwise undermine you. I suggest that such a man be recruited from the ranks of the socially weak, the poor, the ill-regarded lost souls who flit from faith to faith, looking for meaning in life. An aging bachelor might do, especially if he has an interesting, coquetish aspect to his voice. Such a man could make you look even better than you are, and could serve tea to your guests as well (always a welcome touch). As for who would produce such a show, the answer is obvious. I would.

Cathy Seipp writes the Luke Ford Fan Blog:

Sudden terrifying thought: Is the Luke Ford Fan Blog yet another persona imagined by Luke himself? It can't be, because the Luke Ford Fan Blog is so much more coherent than Luke Ford himself, and yet...

A Fly On The Wall writes the Luke Ford Fan Blog:

Maybe it's a Three Faces of Luke situation -- when he's in one of his other personas, he doesn't realize it. The other persona is more coherent.

I wanted to apologize for my two remarks about Luke's weight gain, but I don't know to which persona I should apologize. I didn't realize they were still giving lithium to persons with multiple personality disorder. I thought lithium went out in the 1960s.

JMT replies:

It did. In order to keep himself in Brylcreem and gas for the serial killer van, Luke severed his ties with his psychotherapist. He now self-medicates, relying on an extrememly dated copy of The Physician's Desk Reference purchased at a swap meet, and the advice of an elderly Tijuana pharmacy employee by the name of Flaco.

From The Internet's Number One Luke Ford Fan Blog:

Luke Ford Fan Blog v2.01 -- Now With Comments

Love him or (more likely) loathe him, Luke Ford is a phenomenon. The Internet's premier vanity blogger delights and appalls his many thousands of readers everyday. But one thing Luke doesn't provide is the ability for his friends and enemies to offer their thoughts on his writings. Well that's a thing of the past. The Luke Ford Fan Blog now comes with comments!

Have you ever wanted to respond to something Luke wrote on his blog but didn't know how? Of course you have! Luke claims that you can either a) email him directly with your thoughts, or b) leave a comment on Cathy Seipp's blog. Unfortunately neither option is ideal.

When I first started my fan blog, Luke (being a complete narcissist) thought I was a girl -- a girl who was, of course, madly in love with him. Everyday for a couple of weeks, Luke would email me offering to reciprocate my supposed undying love for him. Yuck! I ignored him, thinking that he would soon go away. No such luck. Worse still, he would ask me to send him a photograph of myself that he would, he assured me, gaze at lovingly for hours on end. Double yuck! Even worse he started to demand that I send him a nude photo of myself. Yuck to the billionth power! Finally, after having enough of this nonsense, I wrote back telling him that I was a dude: a big, muscular (I workout every other day), hairy, HETEROSEXUAL dude! I never heard from him again. Pansy. I can completely understand why you, dear reader, would hesitate to send an email directly to Luke Ford. You might not be able to get rid of him as easily as I did.

Leaving comments about Luke Ford on Cathy Seipp's blog isn't a good idea either. Why foul sweet Cathy's fabulous blog with comments about nutty Luke Ford? Really, it is just a matter of time before the delightfully charming, irresistibly engaging, and breathtakingly beautiful Miss Seipp comes to her senses and kicks Luke Ford to the curb and bans all comments relating to "Horrid Boy" from her site. Then where would you be? Full of spiteful things to say about Luke and nowhere to say them.

Perhaps you are a former lover of Mr. Ford? Perhaps you met him one night in a bingo hall? He approached you and asked if you wanted a "date." Not understanding what he meant you foolishly followed him back to his hovel. After disembarking from you walker, you turned around to see Luke naked, making goo-goo eyes at you. You paid your $150 (even though you are on a fixed income and really couldn't afford it) and scampered out the door, leaving your walker behind -- only to see it later being auctioned on eBay!

Maybe you want to warn other lonely grannies about Luke Ford, but are concerned about America's libel laws. Trust me, I'm an idiot. I don't know the first thing about libel, character defamation, or any such legal matters. Don't fret about your nasty comments getting you into legal trouble. Also don't think that your negative observations about Luke will be deleted. I promise not to delete any comment, no matter how mean-spirited. In fact, the nastier the better, that's my philosophy.

So don't be shy. Comment away. Even the score. Luke deserves it.

Luke Ford Fan Blog Relaunch (again)

The all serious, intellectually deep Luke Ford Fan Blog v2.0 was an absolute disaster. I could only come up with one completely lame post. I lost my religion and philosophy notes in a rainstorm and never recovered. Also I found out that Luke Ford doesn't actually like to have thoughtful discussions about religious matters. When I read this, I was emotionally devastated. Tears of disappointment streamed down my rosy cheeks.

Recently Cathy Seipp invited Luke to spend an evening (with Nancy Rommelmann) at a beautiful Hancock Park mansion. Why? I have no idea. Perhaps Cathy is doing volunteer work with the United Way or something: once a week she has agreed to provide companionship to some lost soul. Really this is the only explanation I can come up with. Anyhoo, at this dinner the deliciously edible Miss Seipp asked "Horrid Boy," as she calls him, about the rational basis of Jewish dietary law. Luke didn't know the answer. Rather than say something along the lines of: "My dearest Miss Seipp, I'm forever grateful that you allow me to spend time in your ontologically perfect presence -- really you are much, much too kind -- and I would love to repay you just a teeny, tiny, itsy bit by providing a thoughtful answer to your most excellent question, but alas off the top of my head I'm not able to do so. However, I will carefully research this topic and get back to you within 24 hours with a full and complete response -- really it's the least I can do for someone as wonderful as you." But Luke said nothing of the kind. Rather he responded sullenly: "I don't need to ask why about every single thing in a 4,000-year-old tradition."

I suppose that it is within the outer realm of possibility that Luke was right not to answer Cathy's question. After all, Luke has been on 60 Minutes, whereas Cathy has just been on the Dennis Miller Show (twice). That's got to say something about his intellectual probity. Then again 60 Minutes is also the program that provided a forum for that despicable lying creep Richard Clarke, so it's not as sophisticated and classy a news source as one might think. Also Luke was interviewed merely as a p___ expert, whereas Cathy was interviewed on non-p___ matters, I think. Actually I haven't seen Cathy on the Dennis Miller Show, so I don't know what she was providing expert commentary on. I guess it's possible that Cathy is also a sexpert, like Luke. G-d knows at times she writes some awfully racy things on her otherwise delightful blog. And Luke has claimed that when he gets an invite to Miss Seipp's home, and Rachel Weisz look-a-like Cecile DuBois is put safely to bed, he and Cathy get liquored up and spend hours and hours talking about all things X-rated. Then again Luke Ford is known to make things up.

Thursday, April 01, 2004

The Dog Ate My Homework

This is an embarrassing story, but it has to be told.

So I was planning to interview Luke Ford about religion and sundry topics. I've only recently become interested in such matters, whereas Luke knows more about religion than anyone I know. (Not that I actually know Luke. [I only pretend to know Luke.] {But he still knows more about religion than all the other people I pretend to know.}])

With his many years of religious study and his supreme natural intelligence (185 IQ), Luke is a very intimidating figure, indeed. What if I ask him a foolish question? What if I unwittingly say something offensive? Suffice to say I was frightened.

I set to work studying religion (Judaism and Christianity) and philosophy. Due to my Internet use-induced limited attention span, I no longer have the patience to read books (or even long articles). I still buy books mind you, but I just page through them and put them in boxes with thousands of other books I've bought but never actually read. I can, however, listen to books (and lectures) on my MP3 player as I go for walkabouts. I do this a lot.

A few weeks ago I took a "geek test," suggested by Jackie D. (of Ohio by way of London), that included the question: Do you listen to books on tape? "YES!" I answered not realizing that this made me a dork. I'm a dork² when you consider that I like to listen to my books and lectures on walkabouts AS I TAKE NOTES! It is just a matter of time before some neighbourhood toughs beat me senseless with hockey sticks as I walk down the street listening to a lecture on neo-Platonism, stopping to take notes every 15 seconds. I must look absolutely gormless.

Recently I was listening to a lecture on Maimonides and it started to rain. I put my notepad in my pocket forgetting to zip it up. When I got home my notepad was soaked through. All the ink had run. My many thousand notes, my many weeks of homework, were all for not.

How can I come up with probing questions to ask Luke about religion and sundry topics without my notes? Alas I cannot. I must go back and re-listen to all my lectures.

This unfortunate event happened a couple of weeks ago. I have been so emotionally devastated by the loss of my notes (not to mention my fear that the G-d of the Jews doesn't want me asking Luke difficult philosophically-informed questions that might lessen his faith) that I have been unable to return to my research. G-d willing, I shall try again tomorrow.

Give A Torah Jew Some Respite

I've been interviewed by three insatiable-for-information winsomely beautiful young ladies in the past 24 hours on my soon to be published commentary on the Palestinian Talmud. I'm exhausted. This humble unassuming Torah Jew is not used to such attention. It interferes with my Talmudic studies. There's just something about a chick looking up at me with big eyes and saying that she finds me charming that gums up my analysis of tractate Sanhedrin.

I must rest now. I have another interview at 1PM. Then I can meditate and prepare for the Sabbath when I'm no longer bothered by these worldly concerns.

I wish I could live completely within the world of Torah and never be bothered by icky girls.

I plan to marry some ugly bitch to prove how attached I am to God's commandments, and that I only married because it is a religious obligation, and not because I will enjoy it.

I must call Jerry and ask him how he handled Cathy when she got on his nerves. Not that she ever gets on mine, but it's good to be prepared for that unlikely possibility.

Rip Rense says Cathy is a woman of deep compassion.

Cathy also says she is a woman of deep compassion. Cathy says that if her critics only got to know her better they'd realize how much bountiful goodwill she has in her bountiful bosom for bountiful mankind (that excludes most female editors, particularly of the dykey variety, not to mention retards).

Spent Much Of Last Three Days In Delightful Company Of Cathy Seipp, Cecile du Bois

Today we had lunch courtesy of Rip Rense at Cat & Fiddle on Sunset Blvd where I always get the vegetarian Shepherd's Pie.

Cecile du Bois reports on Tuesday night:

Luke and I pose by a poster of a bubbly Brit for BBC. The screening we saw was the first episode of State of Play. Luke, like usual laughed the loudest. I didn't get the half of the jokes. Do you have to be British to get them? Mom replied that Luke laughs at any scene, even when someone gets murdered. 'He just sits there and laughs'. When we got in and had drinks, Luke kept on sending his treasured jumping frog over my head. He must have strong fingers because no matter how many times I tried to mime his technique, I could only make it to his hand. Luke did not watch Mom's second date with fame and instead stayed up until 2 AM the next day watching his complimentary DVD package of State of Play, a conspiracy thriller.

Mom trying to hug Luke, who is clearly about to pass out from horror.

Cathy's been on a crusade to touch me in ways strictly prohibited by the Torah. It's not easy for me to burnish my spiritual gift of chastity. She's trying to normalize me. I'm not sure it is possible.

Chaim Amalek AKA A Fat Man With A Remote writes Cathy Seipp: "I was writing metaphorically, alluding to the fact that thinning hair is a marker for advancing years, and that the passage of time saps a man of his virility even as his hair thins and he becomes less desirable to women (unless he makes up for it with increasing wealth). As for myself, I'm both as bald as an egg and about as potent. That's why the young women I work with feel comfortable around me. That's why I avoid the touch of women who might otherwise present me with invitations I know I won't be able to accept. Thank God my religion provides me with a moral code that gives me a good excuse to avoid such embarrassing situations."

'They Don't Pay Me Enough To Fact Check!'

A quote from a freelancer friend of mine when I asked why he didn't fact check a quote from a subject of his article. I guess he only fact-checks when he's getting a dollar a word. I was expressly forbidden from blogging this.

Why Young Women Expose Themselves

Ashley O'Dell writes:

I know from experience that the behavior and dress that women get away with in this country does not fly in other countries. I think that men and women see courtship as a more vicious game to be played, and enjoy torturing each other, men with their power, women with their bodies. Also I think the women who dress this way are just stupid, and attract stupid men who zero in on transparent blouses. Having been a high school teacher, I was shocked and disgusted not only by the attire my students came to class in, but the accompanying attitude that seemed as much an accessory as their stiletto-heel sneakers. When I was in high school I used our newspaper to rail against dress codes. When I taught high school, I would up wishing there had been institutionalized uniforms. I think dressing ridiculously shows the mindset of the person who would rather be seen than see, themselves. They are not looking at the world around them, they want the world to look at them.

Cindi writes:

I agree with Dennis that the scant dress is a way to make women feel powerful over men, using their sexuality. For a lot of women it is the only power they feel they have. This is the same reason they dress sexy at work, to wield power. I don't think most women feel that using their intelligence gets them as far with men as using their bodies does. And men are equally as guilty of promoting sexy women over smart women. And in private life? Most men would chose a sexy women over a smart women. Men like to pretend they like smart women, because it sounds better, but it's just a scam. Example. I get so many e-mails from men who tell me what a GREAT writer i am, how interesting my stories are, how smart i sound. I write back a thank you note. THe next letter from the guy is ALWAYS sexual. So he tries to win me over with the fact that he likes me because i am smart, but immediately wants to know what color panties i am wearing, or how many people I have had sex with.

Larissa writes: "Women dress and act how they do because it is complete and utter power. The more men, stares, grabs, yells etc... that we attract, the more power we feel we have."

Let Me Now Praise Cathy Seipp

* Her impeccable good manners. At tonight's event at the Bloomberg LA bureau, she told me it would be inappropriate to click my green Passover frog from table to table.

* Her honesty and directness. The woman is without guile. She was disappointed and hurt that I had not watched her on the Dennis Miller Show last night. It was strong of her to be that emotionally honest.

Though I like Cathy, I hate to watch TV. All those awful commercials and sophomoric humor and writers who, if I had the least interest in them, I'd much rather read than watch them painfully pontificate.

Cathy asks several people if they had watched her on TV last night. I couldn't do that. I do not believe I asked one person if he had watched me on 60 Minutes last fall.

Cathy angles for freelance work from Bloomberg and Ted Johnson's VLife. She's concerned that Peter Bart hates her and won't hire her. She's burned most potential employers in LA with her caustic columns.

I sense bitterness in Cathy over this fact.

I remember when TV Guide ran great journalism. I haven't read it since Rupert Murdoch turned it to crap. Ted was LA Bureau Chief before quitting for Variety's VLife fluffy lifestyle magazine.

Cathy chats about her lunch today with this former lady magazine editor who appreciated Cathy's "well-written" review of her book in the Wall Street Journal.

I wonder what Cathy's next two columns will be for LA City Beat. Say, perhaps one column on her lunch with the editor and perhaps another on her appearance on Dennis Miller? I can't wait to read them.

Cathy says she got loud applause on Dennis Miller yesterday for her comments on the war on terror. (She's for it.)

Luke: "What do you know about terrorism?"

Cathy: "More than the average person."

Cathy is a good writer and a good reporter and a good mother and she's not afraid to tell you so. She's also good on TV and has a good voice. She dresses well. She's a good caretaker of her dog Linda and walks her for at least an hour a day and throws the ball around in the backyard. She's also a good friend and a good housekeeper and a good driver. She's a good conversationalist. She's an avid reader. She's a good cook and a gracious host.

Heck, I don't think there's anything she doesn't excel at, and if there were, I wouldn't dare mention it lest I incur one of her icy silences.

As I loudly recite Cathy's virtues tonight, she laughs so hard she cries and her face flushes red. "You know it's true," is one of her favorite declarations in these circumstances. And guess what? She's right.

Cathy rates the catering as a B. She eats five shrimp and drinks white wine and munches on. Later, she complains about being overly full.

You should see the eyes light up for journalists such as Seipp when they spot the free food and drink.

Rishawn Biddle wanders in late. "How are you, Rishawn?" I boom. He mumbles and turns away. My hand flaps in the breeze. I refuse to drop it. Finally, reluctantly, he gives it a soft shake.

Rishawn writes me: "Huh? I don't remember that happening at all. I remember you greeted me while I was in the middle of a conversation with Cathy. I do remember the handshake, but I don't remember reluctance on my part. And I don't shake hands softly."

He lost his job at the LA Business Journal.

Shortly after a conversation about "Raging Bullshit," journalist Alex Ben Block walks in. He has dyed his hair a new color and I must say he looks rather dashing.

With their elegant coiffures, I don't know who's handsomer - Alex or Cathy? Loving both of them is breaking all the rules.

For dinner on Bloomberg, I eat three slices of cucumber, half a carrot stick and eight desserts.

5:13PM. I had not written about Cathy all day. So she emails: "Is this another holy day? Or just a lazy, not updating day. Signed, Bored and curious."

Bloomberg reporter salaries range from $40k for Journalism school graduates (majority of staff) to six figures. Work schedules can be brutal.

New Yorker cartoonist Donna Barstow has a book coming out next month -- What Do Women Really Want?: Chocolate!, Vol. 1. And she just landed a deal Wednesday for another book.

Cathy Seipp writes:

The heavy foundation looks good on TV but not in real life. But I was too lazy to take it off before going to a BBC America press screening for "State of Play" later that same day. Luke Ford, who was also there, liked "State of Play" more than I did. That's because, as he explained to me, he, being Australian, is able to understand ironic British Commonwealth humor which I, as a mere American, am not. God, he's obnoxious.

But that reminds me: I had a nice lunch today with Myrna Blyth, the veteran former Ladies Home Journal and author of "Spin Sisters," the industry tell-all about the world of women's magazines. (Or as the "Spin Sisters" subtitle says: "How the Women of the Media sell Unhappiness and Liberalism to the Women of America.")

After I came home from the screening of the first State of Play episode, I stayed up until 2AM watching the other five in the series on DVD (instead of watching Cathy on CNBC).

Sing A Song While I Rock You Like A Hurricane

My dad can't sing on tune and neither can I. I can't even clap in time.

One day in fourth grade, my class gathered to practice a song for the school talent show. The teacher picked me out as having the most discordant voice. Every day after school, she worked with me.

After a week, she gave up. She told me to mime during the concert.

Perhaps because of this my favorite song as a child was Sing, released as a single by The Carpenters in 1973.

Sing, sing a song
Make it simple to last
Your whole life long
Don't worry that it's not
Good enough for anyone
Else to hear
Just sing, sing a song.

As I aged, my tastes in music grew harder. In my senior year in high school, I rode the bus to school with Rochelle Kramer, a hot brunette sophomore, and my buddy Rob Stutzman.

I remember one evening I was playing tennis at Placer High School. Rochelle wandered over with a friend and stopped to watch.

I mustered all my strength and poured it into my serve. It hit the net. Rochelle moved on.

She was a gymnast. As an expression of my affection, on the way back from a meet, I wrestled with her in the bus. She misunderstood my gesture as an attempted rape.

I asked our mutual friend Stutzman, now Governor Schwarzenegger's spokesman, for the score. "I don't know, Luke," he smiled, always the straight arrow. "I just know that she doesn't like you anymore. What did you do to her?"

Hurt, I later asked Marky, a basketball player who took her to the Senior Prom, whether he scored. He said of course. Wounded, I then spread that rumor around school.

A couple of weeks later, I asked Rochelle to sign my high school yearbook. She wrote:

Luke (alias the rapist):

I hope you had fun... spreading rumors about me. No, I guess you're right. I really did have massive sex with Marky.

And I did attack you on the bus back from gymnastics championships.

I'll never forget how you made me the star for cable tv. I hope you enjoyed editing the tapes.

I'm sorry I didn't sink low enough to be 'Hillgal of the Week.'

Your good, good friend, Rochelle Kramer

Rochelle liked The Scorpions and so did I. Particularly the song Rock You Like A Hurricane. It was the hardest edge of my musical tastes.

My cat is purring
And scratches my skin
So what is wrong
With another sin
The bitch is hungry
She needs to tell
So give her inches
And feed her well
More days to come
New places to go
I've got to leave
It's time for a show

They just don't write 'em like that anymore.

I bought the tape Love At First Sting and listened to it in my Sony Walkman about 100 times on my plane trip to Australia after graduation.

In the early 90s, I wrote to Rochelle in Japan, where she taught English as a Second Language, that I was sorry for my beastly behavior in high school. She forgave me and said I wasn't any worse than other guys she knew then.

It still irks me to think that somebody has had sex with this beautiful girl. I hope she's still a virgin. Is that realistic? She's only 35.

I just legally downloaded these two favorite songs of mine and find they hold up over time. I fear though, that with repeated listenings, they will soon fade in attractiveness, just like most of the girls I knew as a kid.

I still can't sing on tune but I've learned to do other things that bring me great joy. I want to rock you like a hurricane, Rochelle.

Luke Ford Media Empire Rolls On Through Passover Holidays

My Gentile friend Robert ran the LF media empire while I was observing the holidays.

Cathy wants to meet our Canadian friend Nicholas Vance, who may or may not exist (or may just be Chaim Amalek), when she visits Toronto in June.

Nicholas replies: "Sounds superfun, but ... You see Canada is a big country (kinda like Australia but bigger still!) and I live on the west coast; in fact, I've never even been to Toronto. So it would be a little like saying to someone who lives in Brisbane that Cathy and Cecile are coming to Perth and you should see them -- it would be a long drive."

Robert forwarded the email to Cathy on Tuesday. She replied: "Ooh, he's sarcastic! Isn't today a holy day that you're not supposed to be on the computer?"

"Dear Cathy, My name is Robert. I'm Luke's shabbos goy. You are right that he is in shul and not touching his computer. I made the update last night. God bless, Robert"

"Oh, right.... Say, Robert, as long as your in Luke's hovel, can you go through his underwear drawer and read me his secret diaries where I'm sure he scribbles all his innermost hopes and dreams?"

"Cathy, I've already done that. It's all self-exhortations to follow G-d's Torah. How he wants to be a better Jew and a better human being. Chastity, poverty, humility. That stuff. He never ceases to inspire me. And you too, I'm sure."

What's The Best Music To Go Down With?

According to myth, as the Titanic sank, the band played "Abide With Me," a Christian hymn. I think it is an excellent selection to sink with. I asked my Jewish friends for a selection and so far they have not come up with one.

My Jewish friends were not aware of Abide With Me. I find many Christian hymns, such as this one, gorgeous. Even though it's Christian, there's not a word in it that does not resonate with me (except for the mention of the cross).

My other favorite hymns include Amazing Grace, A Mighty Fortress, How Great Thou Art, Battle Hymn of the Republic, Onward Christian Soldiers, Oh God Our Help In Ages Past, Rock of Ages, and Handel's Messiah.

Abide with me; fast falls the eventide;
The darkness deepens; Lord with me abide.
When other helpers fail and comforts flee,
Help of the helpless, O abide with me.

Swift to its close ebbs out life's little day;
Earth's joys grow dim; its glories pass away;
Change and decay in all around I see;
O Thou who changest not, abide with me.

Not a brief glance I beg, a passing word;
But as Thou dwellst with Thy disciples, Lord,
Familiar, condescending, patient, free.
Come not to sojourn, but abide with me.

Come not in terrors, as the King of kings,
But kind and good, with healing in Thy wings,
Tears for all woes, a heart for every plea
Come, Friend of sinners, and thus bide with me.

Thou on my head in early youth didst smile;
And, though rebellious and perverse meanwhile,
Thou hast not left me, oft as I left Thee,
On to the close, O Lord, abide with me.

I need Thy presence every passing hour.
What but Thy grace can foil the tempter's power?
Who, like Thyself, my guide and stay can be?
Through cloud and sunshine, Lord, abide with me.

I fear no foe, with Thee at hand to bless;
Ills have no weight, and tears no bitterness.
Where is death's sting? Where, grave, thy victory?
I triumph still, if Thou abide with me.

Hold Thou Thy cross before my closing eyes;
Shine through the gloom and point me to the skies.
Heaven's morning breaks, and earth's vain shadows flee;
In life, in death, O Lord, abide with me.

Heather Mac Donald writes:

No problem with abiding, the stupid gang intervention worker didn't even abide by me: he was a total no-show. My escort drove me all the way out to South Central LA, and the place was totally boarded up. (Oddly, it was the same spot from which I did an LAPD gang intervention ride-along this summer, which I wrote about for the LA Times.) What a waste of time. I knew this would happen--I had called yesterday to reconfirm I was coming, too. These non-profit social service agencies are totally incompetent; if they had a shred of accountability and responsibility, they'd be in the for-profit sector. Instead, they can get away with complete lack of professionalism, because the guilty libs will just keep shovelling money their way regardless of whether they accomplish a damn thing.

Jews, Pigs And Whistles

Jim Goad writes:

Luke: A few corrections to your recap of our soiree:

There were nine men in attendance, including you and me. Of these, three were Jewish (Adam's friend Dave neglected to "claim Jew" when I asked how many Jews were present.) This means that our Jew Quotient for the evening was 33%—a formidable 31% above the national mean.

And yet still you complain...like a Jew. It appears that your conversion was successful.

Rick was misidentified as Nick.

I've never been to the Manson house and have never identified myself as a Nazi or as anti-Semitic. Again, the Jew Quotient in my life has historically been far above the average.

It bears noting that you were by far the least Jewish-LOOKING person at the table, so I think you're safe when the Nazis finally come a-callin'.

Otherwise, it was good to see you. Please recap for your readers the amusing Gentile jokes you told.

A Gentile goes to a clothing shop and tries on a jacket. "How much?" he asks. The clerk says $400. The Gentile buys it.

Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind

This movie left me disoriented Sunday afternoon and as we drove down the parking lot at the Grove, I felt nauseated. I can't say I enjoyed the film but I guess it was good. Nothing in it reminded me of my own love history. So no, it did not resonate with me.

Singer Cindy Alexander also saw the flick this weekend and she writes:

1. We tend to make the same mistake twice. Or in my case, over and over and over again until I can't write any more songs on the same issue. The same lesson will be shoved down our throats until accepted by every pore, ever fiber, ever blood cell in our bodies until unquestioned as truth by soul. I think G-d laughs when He hands me the same guy in different packaging. We all know that Loreal and Lancome are the same product, just different packaging . So are our soulmates.

2. Changing your hair color is great, especially in cold weather when you have the opportunity to accessorize on a grander scale with gloves and scarves, not to mention hats and hair bands. Blue hair goes great with an orange sweatshirt.

3. The heart is smarter than the mind. No, wait... The heart is STRONGER than the mind. It has veto power.

4. We can actually CHOOSE what we forget. So, we don't really forget, we're just in denial that we're in denial.

Please don't forget me.

Filling The Void

I have a newly divorced secular Jewish friend with two kids. Her ex has taken up with a shiksa. Today the four of them went to Church and celebrated Easter. The two kids came her to their Jewish momma carrying Easter gifts and all gaga about the Christian holiday. My friend went out of her mind and called me for advice.

I said: If your kids have a void, then something like Christianity will fill the gap. You can either give them a meaningful Jewish life or they will find their meaning elsewhere. It's no good yelling at the kids because they like Easter eggs.

Don't curse the darkness when you can light a candle.

When No Means No

At Friday Night Live, I saw a friend who reads my site. She asked me to do an Israeli dance with her. I said no.

"Does no always mean no?" she smiled.

Is Marty Beckerman Good For The Jews?

Marty replies:

Well, I think I'm definitely more of a cultural Jew than I ever realized, which is strange because I never associated myself with Judaism. In high school I hated religion with a passion -- I was a total agnostic and thought all the people who believed in God were the biggest sheep in the world -- but now I'm starting to see that agnositicism is a very Jewish thing. We're a very questioning people, very skeptical, and maybe that comes from being outside the cultural mainstream for so long. Jewish writers and thinkers seem to put a context on the larger society that others might not have the perspective to effectively relay -- I'm thinking of Lenny Bruce, Woody Allen, Steven Spielberg....

Anyway, I'm going to explore religion in my next book, because it's dawning on me that the most brilliant figures in human history were nearly all believers. And the rednecks too, but is that the worst thing in the world? Hasn't religion always given the masses a sense of balance and ethics, when it wasn't prompting them to kill each other? Did psychology and sociology really work as substitutes? Does spirituality make someone a more complete individual or just a delusional dreamer?

I'm not sure about any of this, but I've been thinking about it in a new context lately. I've also been saying that I'll go to Baghdad and write about the war on terror in a way that's captivating for people under 25 (working title: "Jewboy Goes to Hell: Young America and WWIII"), but all the journalists I've been in touch with over there say no reporters are even leaving their hotel rooms right now. So maybe if things settle down in a few months I'll still make it there.... I'm absolutely done writing about teen sex though. I've been out of high school for three years and don't want to be like Blink-182, singing about my junior prom when I'm thirty.

>Is teenage promiscuity good for the Jews?

Well, I suppose there's so much anti-semitism in the world right now -- the Middle East, France, Mel Gibson's asshole father -- that the only solution is for Jewish girls to start f---ing people of all nations and ethnicities. Because Jewish girls are absolutely psychotic in (and out of) bed, and I believe this would give us an opportunity to show the world that there's more to Judaism than just firing cruise missiles at assholes in wheelchairs.

> Did you have a Passover seder this year? When did you last have one?

I skipped this year, but I went to one last year. I kind of like passover food, but not for an entire week. It's also one of those holidays where it's okay to get drunk in front of your parents, which always leads to interesting results.

> When a girl says no to sex, does she always mean no? Should a gentleman > always take her no as no?

Oh Christ, I better walk on eggshells for that answer. Well, I guess if you're into S&M or spanking or whatever and want to establish a safety word, maybe "no" means "yes" and "panda bear" means "no."

> Have you always taken "no" as no (in your personal life)?

Absolutely. I've never forced myself on anyone. And I wouldn't need to force myself on anyone -- females tend to throw themselves at me, as my glorious manhood is legend.

I'd definitely add Freud and Bob Dylan to my list of Jewish thinkers/artists. Those struck me as I was eating a McChicken.

> How many women have......

Are we talking about humans or livestock? Because if we're talking livestock, that's like.... oh man, I can't even count anymore, it's all a orgiastic haze of roosters and piggies and Rosie O'Donnell.

> What do you think the sexual age of consent should be?

Adolescence is an American phenomenon. For most of human history people started getting married at 13, 14 -- and then you were expected to earn a living or have babies, depending on your gender. Probably the industrial revolution gave young people the luxury to add eight years to their lives to just screw around. (So to speak.)

So with age of consent, it's tricky. In some states, it's considered statutory rape if the *parents* of a teenager object to their child having sex with another teenager, even if the act is consensual. In other states, it's on a two-year adjusted scale until both partners are 18, so a 16-year-old and an 18-year-old can legally have sex, but a 16-year-old and a 19-year-old would be illegal.

Deconstructing those laws had led to organizations like NAMBLA -- the North American Man-Boy Love Association -- which tries to give credibility to pedophiles. I'm not sure that's healthy. And it's completely acceptable in Europe -- they really don't care about decades between partners, and many American teens and college students go over there and wind up in relationships with 40-year-olds. And the Junior Marxists totally defend that, they see nothing questionalbe about a 40-year-old who would have relationships with girls half his age. Huxley actually predicted that would happen in "Brave New World" back in 1932.

Another factor is that people mature at different speeds. I've been accused on many occasions of being less mature than most 12-year-olds. So it's definitely a gray area -- and it'll probably always be that way as long as we've got the social construct of adolescence.

That said, the Olsen twins turn 18 in... like... two months, right?

Why Young Women Expose Themselves

Dennis Prager two part essay here and here.

I asked 21-year old author Marty Beckerman for his reaction. He replies:

"Playing with the sex drive, the most powerful force in nature, is far more dangerous than playing with fire."

I like playing with myself, tee hee.

"as a male I am turned on, while as a man I am turned off"

That's a good line actually. I like that line. Rise above our animal nature, I guess that's the purpose of civilization.

"Therefore, the arenas wherein women can feel and demonstrate their feminine distinctiveness have narrowed appreciably."

This is bordering on part of my message -- that when the feminist revolution killed chivalry, young men stopped viewing girls as special. They became equals, which is great under the law -- I'm all for voting rights, property rights, career rights -- but men have never treated other men very well. A one-minute glance at any time in history proves that. So when feminists wanted men to treat women like they treat other men -- and they succeeded in that quest by using the political correctness ("Nazism Incarnate") -- of course 12-year-old boys would casually gang rape 12-year-old girls sooner or later. And that's happening more than ever -- that kind of violence at prepubescent ages. Those social codes stopped us from being animals, or at least channeled that animalism into a healthy social competition. Now we're just pleasure-seekers without any sense of basic human ethics, which reminds me of a joke I wrote the other day: Q. What's the difference between sex and rape? A. Sex gets so *boring.*

"Feminine attire -- i.e., clothing that is very female but not very revealing -- is rare."

Yeah, but it's f---ing boring when you just want to stare at some bitch's big fat ti-----... then again, I'm not a fan of the 13-year-old girls dressing like that, because some of them are... like... really hot. I mean, you'll see these girls on the street and tell your buddies, "Holy s---, I'd tap those a---- in a second." And then your buddies are like, "Dude, they're six years old." And then I'm like, "Yeah, I'd tap those ------ in a second."

"When all is said and done, heading a home and being married to a good man are far more satisfying to most women than college teaching or corporate work."

I'm going to take issue with this statement, simply because I believe women should have the *choice* whether to enter the work force or raise a family from home. And choice was very important to the classical feminist movement, which I fully support. But so many neo-feminists believe stay-at-home moms are BAD WOMEN. And they put so much social pressure on girls in the 1960s and '70s to have careers -- and get divorced on a whim -- that my generation was raised without any stability. There can be absolutely no doubt in any intelligent person's mind that the 53 percent divorce rate among the boomers led to the "hook-up scene" of today, in which kids don't even catch each other's names before heading into the nearest coat closet or bathroom.

There are no emotions ever attached in that scene, and it's screwing so many kids up because you can't divorce intimacy and emotion. Human beings just aren't wired that way -- and I've had one night stands too, I'm not saying hooking up is the worst thing in the world -- but when it becomes a lifestyle of daily/weekly anonymous sex, it leads to all kinds of psychological goodness. This has to be the first generation that could be declared at least 80 percent mentally ill, and that goes for both sexes. We all tried shutting off the part of us that needs to be loved -- and if you talk to nearly *anyone* between 12 and 22, they'll just tell you, "Well, I don't want to be emotionally hurt I don't want to get emotionally involved." Except that's exactly what's killing so many of these people on the insides -- they tried to shut off being human in exchange for a shitload of blowjobs, and it's not working.

I asked Marty to forward me some of his more literate hate mail. He sent this:

This is by far my favorite......

Clearly, you have capatalized on the self-congratulatory brouhaha that inevitably befalls someone of the under-25 crowd who manages to manipulate the populace into believing his self-serving, misogynistic ramblings (which, by the way, are mediocre at best) merely because they are infused with the "shocking" sexual behaviour of a sampling of their respective generation. Respectfully, I don't see how a self-important, obviously bitter and psychologically stunted "man" of your stature can be lauded as a knowledgeable muck raker of the "Gen Y" generation when clearly, you hail from a one-horse town (i.e., Anchorage) which can hardly serve as a microcosm of the continental United States, let alone representative of the quintessential American city. No...I think it is obvious--to all of your peers who know their asses from their genitalia--that your so-called writings are merely a manifestation of your homoerotic, female-hating, sexually repressed psyche. You have somehow managed to dupe those who are otherwise respected (and, not surpisingly, those who are not) into thinking you're some kind of representative of the youth in this country. In case you're now being manipulated into believing this bullshit, let me assure you that you're nothing but a lark--a plunge--and that the banality of your sub-par scribblings will surface eventually (however tardily).

Sincerely, Kat _____ (a true, honest-to-god rep of Gen-Y-ers who, unlike you, is privy to the actual goings-on of people under 24)

Why Do Cathy Seipp, Cecile du Bois, Do Passover On The Wrong Day In The Wrong Way?

Because they are Reform. They gathered to watch Cathy's highlights on Dennis Miller's CNBC show. "I'm sure you'll write something horrible about that," Cathy tells me Sunday morning.

DOJ's Doomed War On Obscenity

Eugene Volokh writes:

Obscenity crackdown -- what will the next step be? So here's what I wonder about the Justice Department's planned new obscenity crackdown. As we know, there's lots of porn of all varieties out there on the Internet. I don't know how much of it is produced in the U.S., but even if it's 80%, and every single U.S. producer is shut down, wouldn't foreign sites happily take up the slack?

It's not like Americans have some great irreproducible national skills in smut-making, or like it takes a $100 million Hollywood budget to make porn. Foreign porn will doubtless be quite an adequate substitute for the U.S. market. Plus the foreign distributors might even be able to make and distribute copies of the existing U.S.-produced stock -- it's not like the imprisoned copyright owners will be suing them for infringement (unless the U.S. government seizes the copyrights, becomes the world #1 porn-owner, starts trying to enforce the copyrights against overseas distributors, and gets foreign courts to honor those copyrights, which is far from open-and-shut, and likely far from cheap). And even if overall world production of porn somehow falls by 75%, which strikes me as nearly impossible, will that seriously affect the typical porn consumer's diet? Does it matter whether you have 100,000 porn titles (and live feeds) to choose from, or just 25,000? (Warning: Numbers taken out of thin air, but I'm comfortable to say that the number is huge.)

So we have three possible outcomes:

1. The U.S. spends who knows how many prosecutorial and technical resources going after U.S. pornographers. A bunch of them get imprisoned. U.S. consumers keep using exactly the same amount of porn as before. Only potential benefit: If you really think that the porn industry is very bad for its actors, you're at least sparing Americans that harm, and shifting it off-shore instead. Other than that: Investment of major prosecutorial resources yields a net benefit of zero.

2. The government gets understandably outraged by the "foreign smut loophole." "Given all the millions that we've invested in going after the domestic porn industry, how can we tolerate all our work being undone by foreign filth-peddlers?" So they unveil the solution, in fact pretty much the only solution that will work: Nationwide filtering.

It's true: Going after cyberporn isn't really that tough -- if you require every service provider in the nation to block access to all sites that are on a constantly updated government-run "Forbidden Off-Shore Site" list. Of course, there couldn't be any trials applying community standards and the like before a site is added to the list; that would take far too long. The government would have to be able to just order a site instantly blocked, without any hearing with an opportunity for the other side to respond (since even that would take up too much time, and would let the porn sites just move from location to location every several weeks).

3. You can always go after the users -- set up "honey-pot" sites (seriously, I think that would be the technically correct name for them) that would look like legit offshore porn sites, draw people in to buy the stuff, figure out who they are (you'd have to ban any anonymizer Web sites that might be used to hide such transactions, cf. number 2 for the way to do that as to off-shore sites), and then arrest them and prosecute them.

In circa 1990, the first Bush administration almost crushed the US porn industry by aggressive prosecution of the biggest pornographers. I see no reason why it can not do the same thing again if it has the will.

By raising the costs of making and distributing porn, fewer talented persons will go into it. Many US pornographers have already sold out or moved offshore.

Big doors swing on small hinges. See the cultural ramifications of Janet Jackson's titty flash at the Super Bowl.

Put the fear of jail time into US porners and there will be fewer of them.

Then it shifts overseas. If other governments follow suit, then porn can be constrained.

Internet gambling has been largely wiped out because of government intervention. It could happen to porn too. Not fully and perfectly. Just reduced and stigmatized, causing and benefitting from a cultural sea change in values.

I feel so strongly about this matter that I am willing to set up "honey-pot" sites to attract and prosecute perverts. I will even photograph the models and do the whole thing myself so nobody else has to be tarnished by the dirty work necessary to further a good cause.

Generation S.L.U.T.

I'm going to interview 21-year old author of two books, Marty Beckerman, this week. Email Luke any suggested questions.

The Girl Next Door Promotes Cultural Marxism

From www.MovieGuide.org:

THE GIRL NEXT DOOR has several clever twists and turns and some hilarious, crowd-pleasing situations. As noted above, however, because the situations are comical, the movie ends up making pornography a fit topic for mainstream movies. As such, the movie contains many explicit sexual references, sexual nudity, and even some drug comedy.

Finally, and perhaps worst of all, the “safe sex” message in the movie is a good example of the influence that Cultural Marxism, the source of today’s left-wing political correctness, has had in today’s society. The goal of such political correctness is to undermine objective, absolute standards of moral behavior and replace them with subjective standards of “self-actualization” and behavioral modification. This is being done in order to usher in a new Communist Utopia, based on the tired socialist models of Western Europe.

Concerned individuals can fight the implementation of these terrible policies by focusing on the truths of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, who calls for personal spiritual regeneration, renewal, and purity, rather than Big Government policies and sexual deviancy.

Playboy vs Marriage

Sabbath morning in shul, I sat next to a stranger. Within 30 seconds he says, "You're not married, are you?"

"No. How can you tell?"

"Just the way you carry yourself."

The man says that once he got married, women felt free to tell him all about their menstruation.

Gives me something to look forward to.

The stranger was impressed by my ability to recite all the prayers from memory while reading my book in shul.

I hung out with a woman Sabbath afternoon. "As soon as I saw you," she says, "I knew you were a playboy. I don't think you will ever marry."

I pulled my green Passover frog out of my pocket and click it. It jumps high in the air over her cleavage.

Jane writes: "Had a weird dream about you last night. You insisted on picking out my outfit for a party, and it was disturbingly unstylish. Also, you insisted I didn't need to wear a skirt...just shoes, and a long shirt with a belt. And I didn't like the shirt."

Drinks With Jim Goad, Adam Parfrey, At Pig & Whistle

It's my first time at the bar on Hollywood Blvd, which becomes jammed Saturday evening. I see a friend from a trip to Israel and last night's Friday Night Live.

Jim sits with a dozen white guys. Jim and two others have shaved heads. I sit beside the only Jew -- Adam Parfrey. The gang munches on pizza. I have a 7-Up.

Jim stopped by Larry Flynt Publications Friday. The name in front of him on the sign-in book was Al Goldstein, the broke former publisher of Screw magazine. Al had his backpack. His nails were painted. He's a pathetic shell of his former self. He was begging for a check for an article he'd written.

Jim talks about the death threat he sent former LFP writer Selwyn Harris (real name Mike McPadden, perhaps the funniest writer I've ever read) a decade ago. Selwyn had dissed Jim in a column and Goad took it personally and sent the death threat certified mail. It was returned for having the wrong address.

McPadden has undergone the 12-step AA program, apologized to everybody he thought he's wronged, and went to work for some chemical news paper.

Much of the table met at Narcotics Anonymous. Adam Parfrey, a former NA man, recently took a trip to Tijuana to take a powerful halucinogenic to get rid of some negative patterns in his life.

Adam was disappointed that the recent City Beat cover story on him and Richard Metzger did not mention all the good things in his life, such as his girlfriend. He's going to visit her fundamentalist Christian parents in North Carolina.

She just said his first name to her parents, not wanting to tip them off Adam was a Jew. She said he was a writer. Their first reaction was, "He's a Jew?"

I sit near Nick, who recently posted on Jim's web board about the get together: "I'm down. But if Luke Ford starts in again with that Jew stuff, I'm gonna have to hit the road. No offense."

Luke to table: "I fear that we are defining deviancy down. That we are lowering moral standards when we should be raising them."

Heads drop to table. So I whip out my green frog from my second Passover seder. I click the back and send it flying through the air to Jim. I'm the belle of the ball.

I tell Adam, Cathy Seipp's first boyfriend, that I think I've now met all of her boyfriends. I'm curious who she's been with since her divorce but have feared raising it. Perhaps it is too personal? Perhaps the best way to raise the subject would be to delicately discuss it on my website.

Adam: "You seem to discuss everything with her."

I anaylyze Cecile du Bois' sleepy demeanor. Adam says she's just taking the world in and analyzing it.

Cecile has excellent manners. Must be Cathy's excellent child-rearing techniques.

Teenage boys are bursting with testosterone. Teenage girl hormones, by contrast, make girls sleepy and grumpy.

Cecile writes: "I mumble more with my retainers. They give me such grief. But due to my laziness, I don't enunciate as well as I could be. I should practise more often. Ladies at my school are louder than I in the classroom although somedays I can be 'cheeky'. With my girlfriends, I am rowdy. Depends on the time, company and mood. I am sometimes unpredictable. Yawn. I'm boring you."

Hustler magazine editor Allan MacDonnell lost his job in 2003 over the speech he gave about Hustler owner Larry Flynt at a Friar's roast. Allan is now writing a memoir of his Larry Flynt Publications days for Adam Parfrey's Feral House to be published in 2005.

Among the revelations, that MacDonnell oversaw Flynt's campaign to dig up dirt on Republicans in 1998, following Clinton's Monica Lewinsky scandal. MacDonnell bluffed House of Representatives majority leader Bob Livingston (Republican) that LFP had dirt on his sexual past. In fact, LFP had nothing. Livingston resigned his post.

Larry Flynt then took credit for magnanimously refusing to publish the purported information after a tearful call from Livingston's wife.

Allan will also disclose information about the notorious Ted Turner - Jane Fonda videotape sent to Hustler. It's a home tape of Ted getting anally penetrated by a strap-on wielding Jane Fonda.

Apparently an assistant had found the tape. Ted called Larry Flynt and begged him not to publish it. Larry agreed.

On July 4, 1997, Cathy Seipp wrote for Salon.com:

But revenge is sweet, and sometimes assistants get it. Last week I heard from Hustler insiders that Larry Flynt is taking the high road about the highly entertaining home video the skinmag just received ... apparently from a disgruntled assistant, who sent the video to Hustler to get back at the boss. The video reportedly shows a major media mogul happily exclaiming, "My dick's as big as a house!" while being penetrated by his dildo-equipped wife. A feather boa and another woman also participate in the scene.

The star of this sexual scenario called the head of the Hustler empire and asked him as a favor, media mogul to media mogul, not to feature it in the magazine. Flynt, who is full of surprises these days -- he recently had a cordial meeting of the minds with former nemesis Jerry Falwell -- agreed. The obvious moral of this story is that media moguls stick together. But here's another: Think twice before making your assistant program your VCR.

Adam Parfrey's book Apocalypse Culture receives a footnote in the new Oxford edition of the King James Bible (in the chapter on the book of Revelation).

XXX writes:

Luke - That's too wild reading you hung out with the neo-nazi pack. I used know all those guys quite well back 10 years when I was the confused Jew myself and liked to study about Manson and the darkside. Next time you see Adam Parfrey or Jim Goad ask about John Aesnihil, he's somebody you'd like to interview and is one of a kind too. He's a director/writer into the whole anti Jew philosophy, yet the inside joke is that his really last name is Caggle and some of them play around in calling him Caggles Bagels. Do you also know the rest of their pack like Nick Bogus, Joe Coleman, Vale, Nicholas Shreck, Zeena Lavey, and celebrity nazi Crispin Clover? I've read small pieces in the past on your site on articles you've done with some of these guys yet I could never picture you in a room together with them all. They are great writers, don't get me wrong and I'm not saying anything bad yet it's just a whole other underground world. Did you ever read old issues of Jim's "Answer Me" magazine, wild stuff as well as some of the Feral House publications. Anyway, I would like to stay out of getting involved with articles yet was so fascinated to hear these old names rehashed. Man, I can remember all those guys gathering at the old Manson house on the anniversary of Sharon Tates death even to celebrate. Wild Wild Wild...

I almost sense it as a joke since a lot of their friends are jewish and if they were truely anti-jew then they wouldn't communicate with them. I sometimes think of the term neo-nazi as a fashion statement to that group. Again, this was 10 years back when I would bump into them with Crispin Glover and others at art galleries. This was also when Christian Gore's Film Threat was around and being ran out of the LFP building too, what a small world Ah? I agree that some of their articles are on the sick side yet when I was studying psychology, they did a lot of research on famous serial killers I used to read about....

“Moral Leader” beats degenerate in battle over rights to Biblical name

From Luke Y. Thompson :

HOLLYWOOD -- Luke Ford, best known for his efforts to protect the Orthodox Jew and other endangered species, won his court battle Friday against Luke Y. Thompson over the use of the name Luke.

Justice Catherine Seipp ruled that the rainbow-headed whacko had breached a 1994 agreement between the two sides that limited his use of the name.

In a written judgment, Seipp said it was understandable the pious Australian blogger did not want to be associated with the movie-reviewing wrestling fan. "Some would say his (Thompson’s) glorification of polymorphous sexual perversity is somewhat unsavory," Seipp said.

Seipp acknowledged it might cost the movie critic, famous for lowbrow utterances such as “Hooters!” and “F--- Bush!”, up to $50 million to change his name, but said some of his arguments in court had been "hopeless" or "astonishingly poor."

Mr. Ford argued that worldwide exposure for big hard-drinking social anarchists had increased due to television and the Internet, leading to more widespread use of the first name by Mr. Thompson.

The two sides had almost identical online write-ups of L.A. Press Club parties. Mr. Ford (www.lukeford.net) accused Mr. Thompson (www.lytrules.com) of breaking their agreement and filed a lawsuit seeking enforcement of his trademark rights.

Luke Ford, spokesman for himself, said the judgment "means that my name and reputation is upheld."

Seipp said that Mr. Thompson, whose full corporate name is Doctor Sir Luke Yelasdi Herbert Walker Thompson Esquire, will be permitted a limited use of the name in the United States, but will no longer be able to use his Web site address.

The Hollywood, CA.-based wrestling fan expected the decision based on the judge's comments during oral arguments, said spokesman Matthew King. "We're not surprised by today's ruling," King said. "But dude, we think it's totally bogus, and we intend to appeal."

King said he was not sure when the appeal would be filed. He was not sure what action, aside from heavy drinking, Mr. Thompson would take regarding his Web site, though it remained active Friday. A further court session was set for October to determine costs and damages to be awarded.

If he loses again, Mr. Thompson plans to change his first name to “Fuke” and promote the change with a line of T-shirts bearing the slogan “What the F...?”

A Walk in Rick Orlov’s City Hall

Rick Orlov is NOT gay at all! He's just an old-fashioned newspaperman guy who never married. He likes women a lot. "He always pays for dinner and after a couple of drinks he paws you, and that's always appreciated."

Goodbye Lenin

I saw the movie Goodbye Lenin with Cecile du Bois Thursday afternoon. Is it so wrong to date a 14 year old girl? According to Judaism, she's an adult responsible for fulfilling Jewish Law.

Cecile always strikes me as sleepy and mumbly. I was about ready to give her slate so she could write out her sentiments. Her retainer makes her particularly inaudible. Luckily I have a personality big enough for the two of us.

Then we went back to her mom's place. She cooked bean soup without any of those nasty forbidden ingredients on Passover.

When Cathy was in the kitchen, I bashed Cecile hard with pillows. She deserved it for being a girl.

We watched Psycho. Cathy says I remind her of Norman Bates for the nasty way I slash at her on my blog whenever she invades my body space. I don't like it when females touch me. They might be unclean.

Cathy says my Chaim Amalek mommy personality reminds her of Norm's mommy persona.

Cecile du Bois writes: "During dinner, Luke was extra careful to not allow any vicious legumes into his sensitive mouth. Lord knows what they were up to. Those nasty carrots safely remained at the bottom and the broccolli he carefully spooned out into a plate aside his bowl. In honor of his coming over, I made special lemonade with almost four cups of sugar. Even then, it was still bitter."