Spook Turned Publicist Turned
I spent many a Friday
Night Live (I stopped going once I turned 40 5/28/06) chasing around
two young ladies and trying to get them to talk to me.
It was a betrayal of my dignity (I don't like to chase chicks, they should
chase me) and my values (these girls were publicists and in my worldview,
publicist equals paid liar).
On Nov. 30, I was scanning Jewcy.com and the only interesting article
was a dating blog by
my FNL friend (in the L.A. sense) Emily, "a former government
spook, moved to L.A. (from D.C.) almost 2 years ago and believes she's
already dated half of the Jewish male population in the city (i.e. the
J-Date meal plan.) She's just out of a long-term relationship and is ready
to dive back into the murky dating abyss, courtesy of Jewcy."
Emily is cute, confident, and competent. She's smart, sex and sassy.
She's formidable, fearless, and frank.
Aside from that, she's no big deal.
Here are my two previous posts on Emily and her friend Melanie:
Friday Night Live Adventures Of Emily And Melanie
I met these
publicists (crisis management consultants) at Friday Night Live (Temple
Sinai) a few months ago.
My not so secret belief is that publicist equals paid liar.
I don't think they were impressed with me.
Anyway, time heals such wounds, and we're now happy as Larry via the
internet (in person there's that icky sexual tension).
Melanie writes me June 17, 2005:
I don't know if you noticed, but when Emily and I called out your name
with our "I love you Luke" expressions -- we immediately had stares
from everyone around us wanting to know who you were. So you can thank
us for your celebrity status that night.
Some interesting guys that come through that rapid networking--more
commonly known as speed dating--event. Emily and I usually get bored
and start talking to eachother during the program, or I will hear something
her guy says and jump in the conversation or vice versa. Not sure why
the guys we always get sat with have less than nothing to say...
I got one guy who I recognized from jdate, actually this kid that I
thought I might enjoy talking to. We emailed on jdate quite a few months
ago a few times on our personal accounts and when I saw him in temple
for the first time a few months ago I recognized him, looking vaguely
like his picture, but the picture was definitely a one that made him
much much more attractive.
I am not trying to be mean, but in person he was a totally different
person! Observing him in the kiddush room, I realized he was for sure
not the one I was expecting...
So we had stopped talking on jdate and not until last Friday did I
see him again (this was months after the jdate thing) and lucky for
me he sat down during the rapid networking...ugh i thought..so i told
him my name was Emily (nudging Emily to tell her not to say anything)
had next to nothing to talk to him about, I mean he was nice, just didnt
grab me at all, and that's important nowadays.
So at the end of the few minutes I guess he thought we hit it off and
asked for my card. I told him I didn't have one and so he gave me his.
He asked for my phone number and I said, well, ummm....I guess, hoping
that he would take that as a hint of I am not interested.
The networking was over and I was looking for a way out so I wouldn't
have to give him my number and he just stood there. I actually started
walking away and he followed me. I stood next to some other guy and
he waited behind me! And when I turned around to leave again he was
there and asked for my number again. He said, do you have a pen?
I told him you werent allowed to write on Shabbat. I was trying to
help the kid out! He wasnt getting it! So he took out his cell phone
and I gave him my home number which I never ever answer -- I know I
probably should have said no, but I felt bad. and I told him my name
was emily again. Well long story short (sorry this is dragging) he called
my home number, which says "you have reached Melanie," so I guess he
figured out I was really Melanie, left me a message, found my old email
correspondence and emailed me there, and emailed me on jdate. Persistent
guy..still not interested.
I met this blonde bird at shul Friday Night. I asked her what she did
for a living. She said, "Crisis Management Consultant."
I exploded at her, years of rage finally crystallizing: "Oh come
on. You're a publicist. Crisis management consultant [my donkey]. You're
"Ok," she said, walking away. "You know better than
I do. I'm a publicist."
She walked back and forth in front of me several times in the next
five minutes repeating those same phrases. I apologized profusely for
my outburst and tried to explain it with a story about the time I called
[former Buzz magazine editor, author, and Newsweek journalist] Allen
Mayer a "publicist," and was subsequently notified that he
was a "crisis management consultant."
Turns out the girl worked for Mayer for over two years.
So then I tried to mollify her with the anecdote that Allen had once
called me the "Andy Kaufman of bloggers."
I kept trying to talk my way out of the hole for the rest of the night.
Around the time the sun rose, the blonde's brunette friend told me
that I was exhausting. I offered to switch out performance mode and
to be genuine, but I could only stand that for a couple of minutes before
I had to fall back to my "kidnapped by Aborigines when I was a
child" routine. Chicks normally dig that. It conjures up primordial
notions of the noble savage who needs to be civilized and makes them
want me even more than when they are drinking from the wellsprings of
my Torah knowledge.
Amalek Comments on the Unused Uterus of Emily
Once again, we see a Jewish singles world that is characterized by
too much dating and not enough procreative mating. By her age, the average
Palestinian woman - busily using her vagina as a demographic cannon
while the average Jewess is using hers as a mere toy - has already had
four children. Meanwhile, the Jewess impresses the world with her cleverness
at wordplay. But the Jewish world, its numbers still depleted by the
Holocaust, does not need more oh - so - clever Jewesses, impressing
the goyishe world with their fancy college degrees and emasculating
jobs. What it needs from them are babies, Jewish babies.
These need not come from the sperm of Jewish men, and, I think, should
not. One reason Jewish women have so few Jewish children is that Jewish
men are not man enough to grab them by the ovaries and instruct them
in the Will of the Lord God of Israel. No, today's J-Dating Jewish man
is too much a Larry David stereotype, well educated and well paid, but
deaf to the hoof-beats of history fast approaching his soft and inviting
rear. Jews need fresh blood, as the pitiful birthrates of their community
well attest. (Obviously, I am not speaking about the orthodox here.)
For that reason, I urge Emily the Blogger to follow in the fertile
footsteps of Amy Sohn and focus her attention on finding a strapping
young shagetz to marry. I especially favor matings between Jewish women
and Irish cops or firemen (although in a pinch a Pole will do), as they
seem to offer exactly what the Jewess needs, and it isn't a graduate
degree from Harvard.
As for you, Luke Ford, I note that while you cannot contribute numbers
to the Jewish race because of the rule regarding matrilineal descent,
you can make a contribution to the White Race - a race now tasked with
defending the Jews against dusky Islam - by impregnating the hitherto
barren wombs of the "actresses" you socialize with. Help preserve the
dominance of the European Races by adding to their progeny, and you
will be protecting the Jews, and there is your calling. Given the urgency
of the hour, don't let Western social custom limit your activities in
this regard. Remember, monogamy for men is a goyishe invention.