Friday, December 30, 2005
Funerals And Holocaust Museums Make Women Horny
Just talking to a man about women and he said there's nothing like a funeral to make a woman want to do something to lift her spirits. Agree or disagree?
I asked him if it was true that Chabad was the religion closest to Judaism. He said that Orthodox opponents of Hasidism don't study Hasidic thought while Hasidim study both regular Orthodox Judaism and Hasidim. So they had it all.
"That's like Christianity where you get the Old Testament and the New Testament," I said.
Friend: "Since I've studied Hasidic thought, I've no longer tried to pick up chicks. And that has made me more attractive to chicks in the Tao of Steve way.
"I no longer go to secular singles events because I'd either want the chicks to convert to Orthodox Judaism or I'd sink and want to sleep with them, which is not in accord with my highest values."
Luke: "Hasidus is your secret weapon for picking up chicks but you won't use that power in a bad way. I respect that.
"Do I remind you more of Philip Roth or Ernest Hemingway."
Friend: "Hemingway. After he blew his head off with the shotgun."
When I was in second grade, I was not invited to classmate Gavin Brown's birthday party.
I was not invited for good reason. Then as now, I was obnoxious and hurtful.
My best-friend's mom interceded and got me invited to the party. But once at the party, I was told clearly by the other kids that they did not want me around.
Thursday morning, a friend asked me if I was going to XXX's party Saturday night.
XXX is someone I've come to know well over the past year.
I replied that I had no idea that XXX was throwing a party, that I hadn't received an invitation, and therefore I wouldn't be going. I had too much pride to ask for an invite.
I sent on the first three lines of that IM to XXX then walked around Thursday feeling despised and rejected. I resolved that even if I was invited, I wouldn't go. I had too much pride.
Late Thursday afternoon, XXX called and said of course I was invited. She didn't issue invites to the party because she thought everyone knew.
And I was convinced that this lack of an invitation was a deliberate slam of me.
I'm paranoid. I should seek help.
Woman: 'You're quite a project, if anyone was to take you on'
Woman: how annoying is this
'You Dirty Fag'
A friend of mine went to a Barry Manilow concert and was mortified that much of the crowd were crying women over 50 waving such banners as "I've waited 40 years for this night, Barry."
I asked her what her banner would've read.
Which Sentence Is Better?
"I felt the ground open up beneath my psyche."
"I felt the ground open up beneath the shaky edifice of my psyche."
"Gordon Seegerman is overworked but unambitious; his passions lie with Barry X and the Mandys, his Barry Manilow cover band..."
The book is in part an elaborate defense of Manilow.
Where Special Needs Blvd. Meets Religion Road
Tony writes me: "Sarah Silverman talks in her comedy act about her grandmother having been a "survivor." When in fact her grandmother was never in a concentration camp. It just proves to me that it's easier to shock than it is to be clever. And shock is rarely as funny as funny is."
In January of 2004, I did a Counterpunch piece in The L.A. Times' Calendar section about The Black-Eyed Peas party anthem, "Let's Get Retarded."
Malcolm Muggeridge said that "tasteful humor was like a chaste whore." If it doesn't wound, it's probably not funny. I don't advocate going around wounding people in personal life, but when it comes to publicly presenting comedy or music or writing, then screw anyone who doesn't like the joke.
I guess this attitude of mine is another reason why I'm single (and interpersonally and socially retarded).
Recent events in my life have put me in a mood that is both introspective and charitable, as more than most men will acknowledge, I know that there but for the grace of God go I. I recently learned that poor black women are not getting as many pap smears as they should (relative to the number that white women are getting). This is a serious matter, as pap smears can detect the early stage onset of serious disorders caused by human papilloma virus infections (HPV).
Of course, simply meaning to do well is not the same thing as doing well, and if more such tests are be made available to black women, money must be found for this purpose. I propose funding my program with a special tax (hopefully it will be the first of many such "Luke Ford" taxes) to be levied on pornography. I know that certain people close to me will recoil at this prospect, but it makes just as much sense to impose taxes on pornography as it does to tax cigarettes to help pay for the social consequences of tobacco use.
And pornography has consequences. To begin with, the manufacture of pornographic movies exposes virtually every performer to both herpes simplex (HSV) and HPV. (At the risk of penetrating the veil of fantasy with which every man covers his mind when using pornography, virtually every performer active today is infected with at least one strain of each kind of virus, and will be for life.) A tax on porn could be used to better fund the search for vaccines to prevent the transmission of HPV and herpes, to the benefit of both porn people and the rest of humanity. This would go a long way towards improving the cervical health of black women too, as some of this money could be used towards funding pap smears for black women until such time as vaccines obviate the need for such tests.
This isn't the sort of thing that can be done alone or by my shouting from a blog; I will need the help of God-fearing men and women of good heart across the land to join with me in demanding that our legislators begin to tax pornography for the betterment of women's health, especially that of our all too often neglected Black Women, who do so much for us and yet get so little in return. Please, if you belong to a church, contact your clergy and ask them to get behind this movement. If you are a social conservative, then write letters to George Bush and his closest friends and advisers, whoever they may be, asking for their support. The important thing is to put down that porn and start acting on behalf of others. Trust me, you'll be glad you did.
The Erotic Possibilities Of A Broken Arm
I didn't get anywhere with this woman through a few weeks of dating (frankly, she'd broken up with me) until I broke my wrist and had to wear a big cast on my left (lower) arm and keep it elevated. Then my woman came over and on my cold hard hovel floor on the Sabbath helped me make the day holy.
There's a similar scene a quarter-way-through Ernest Hemingway's To Have And Have Not.
The man Harry: "Listen, do you mind the arm? Don't it make you feel funny?"
Woman: "You're silly. I like it. That's you I like. Put it across there. Put it along there. Go on. I like it. True."
Linda writes: "I would like to make a contribution to the synagogue where Steven Spielberg belongs in honor of "Munich." Could you tell me what synagogue that is."
I've Finished John Updike's Memoir Self-Consciousness
I have his basic dispositions.
> I should hear more about this. I'm sure I can imagine.
Well, if you bloody return my blinkin' call, I'll bleedin' talk about my shared dispositions with Updike till you're ready to drop.
I spoke Tuesday to a friend who's screwing around. He wanted my views on his situation.
Here are my secular rules (religion holds that the only place for sex is within marriage) on this:
* With few exceptions, all women expect an emotional and monogamous commitment to go with screwing around (I know that 50% of women will disagree with me, and I'll contend that most of these have been propagandized by society, by Sex in the City et al, to try to be like men). Those exceptions are usually freaks (except for the ones who primarily just want comfort, connection and release). Watch out!
* You can't screw around with multiple women at once without damage being done (including you becoming more cynical and manipulative).
A Catchy Couplet
Updike On God
John Updike And The Blacks
In a letter to his mixed-race grandchildren, Updike writes: "...I have never dealt with a black as an editor, printer, or publishing executive." (Self-Consciousness)