Luke Ford's Autobiography

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By Luke Ford Chapter Two  Chapter Three  Chapter Four Chapter Five  Chapter Six   Chapter Seven  Chapter Seven B  Chapter Eight   Chapter Nine  Chapter Ten  Chapter Eleven  Chapter Twelve  1994-1997 1997  1998 1998B 1999 2000 2001 2009

The youngest of three children, I was born on Saturday, May 28, 1966 (9th of Sivan, 5726 in the Hebrew calendar), in Kurri Kurri, Australia in the state of New South Wales.

My father, Desmond Ford chaired the Religion Department of the Seventh-Day Adventist Avondale College in Cooranbong, which is located between Sydney and Newcastle.

The night before my first birthday, my mother Gwen became sick. The doctors discovered she had bone cancer and over the next three years she wasted away to sixty pounds and died.

During her illness, my family fell apart. Because dad had his hands full looking after mom and his work, my sister Ellen (in her early teens), my brother Paul (not quite a teenager) and I (years one to four-and-a-half) stayed in different homes.

Living with about a dozen families during these years left me insecure and angry. My father remembers me as a child throwing horse manure at people and screaming, "I hate you. I hate you."

I once fell off a pier while throwing stones at my sister Ellen in a canoe. I almost drowned before she saved me.

Acting in anger and hatred throughout my life, I frequently precipitated what I feared most, the loss of friendships and the need to rely upon the very people I'd abused.

Not able to bond with my parents -- my mother was dying during my first four years and my father was busy caring for her and for his Christian mission -- I grew up having great difficult bonding with others. I never had many friends. I was rarely popular with my peers. I felt like home and the world were cold places.

I thirsted for attention and validation and went to extreme lengths to get them, never successfully for very long.

Some people remember me in those early years as looking like a Holocaust survivor. I had sunken eyes and seemed lost and angry.

Seventh Day Adventist officials pressured my father to remarry soon after my mother's death, despite his own inclinations to the contrary. They realized that as a prominent bachelor he'd be chased by "skirts." One woman told my dad that she had received visions that they were to marry. My father replied that if that was true, he would have received visions too and he had not.

Seven months after my mother's death, dad married his secretary and former student, Gill--n W-stell, on the day she graduated with a BA in Education from the Adventist Avondale College.

My family then left for England, stopping along the way in such countries as India and Israel. I graduated from diapers during our stay in the Holy Land.

I clung to my new mother. "I'm a lucky boy," I'd tell Gill. "Most boys have only one mother. I've had lots. But I don't want any more."

At night I knelt by my bed and prayed for dad's boss "F.F. Boose", which was my way of pronouncing the name of the famed Christian bible scholar F.F. Bruce.

Dr. Bruce at Manchester University supervised my father's second doctorate (New Testament Studies). Dad completed his first Ph.D. (Rhetoric) at Michigan State University. Each took him 18-months.

During the Israeli hostage massacre September 5, 1972 at the Olympics in Munich, I was nearby with my father, step-mother, and brother. We stayed in the apartment of my dad's good friend Norman Young, who was doing a PhD in New Testament Studies at the University of Tubingen. My memories of the event are hazy but for my older brother they are clear.

Following our three month tour of Europe, my family returned in late September 1972 to Avondale College. In the language of the Aboriginees, Cooranbong means "The place of the flies." As a schoolchild, my classmates and I amused ourselves by tearing off wings and watching the flies buzz in helpless circles on our desks.

After a couple of years wandering around the bush near our home, I entered school in second grade.

My previous social isolation did not prepare me for the classroom. Socially awkward, I made few friends outside my best friend, Wayne Cherry. His mother had to intervene that year to allow me to attend Gavin Brown's birthday party. Several boys made it clear to me that day that if they'd had their way, I'd still be at home.

This feeling of being an unpopular outsider persists in me frequently to this day.

Perhaps it was just as well that I didn't get too close to my schoolmates considering what some of them were into - each other and animals. By age ten many of the boys in my school had powerful sex drives which they released through mutual masturbation, oral and anal sex and bestiality. Not even goats, ducks and other farm animals were safe.

Being a big chicken, I stayed away from this wild experimentation.

The girls around me showed little interest in sex and correctly thought of us boys as barbarians. I liked to lift the girls' skirts and poke them with sticks. I also enjoyed lying beside the stairs so that I could look up the girls' legs.

"Mary's wearing green knickers (underwear)," I'd announce. "Jean has red knickers."

In my groin, I felt a dull ache to penetrate that mystery zone where the girls' thighs came together. Only the threat of punishment and shame stopped me from forcing my way in.

One day in fourth grade, a friend and I got caught looking at his brother's porn collection. I have never been so frightened. Lucky for me, his mother never told my parents.

I learned from my Adventist upbringing that the biggest sins were sexual. (Denying Christ was a sin so huge that it went off the scale.) Other biggies were theft, smoking and drinking, eating candy, and eating between meals. I committed such sins regularly (except for the drinking. To this day I dislike the taste of alcohol). I stole money from my parents and bought forbidden sweets -- candy, cookies, ice cream, sugary drinks... I consumed these goodies privately while wandering around the Cooranbong scrub.

Once, on a third grade campout, some of my schoolmates told my teacher about my large pile of forbidden sweets. Mrs. P. talked to my parents who gave me the following punishment for the next few years: I had to read 30-40 pages of theology every day and type one to two page summaries. I also could no longer eat lunch with my friends at school but had to eat at home.

Not only did my social graces develop behind those of my classmates, but I also felt behind them physically, emotionally and academically. Intellectually, however, I was generally ahead of people my own age for I read more books.

I principally used my brain in school to make fun of people. My fifth grade teacher Mrs. Mazzaferri wrote in my school report that "Luke is always willing to share his ideas with the class, but he needs to be more tolerant of the slower thinker."

My sister Ellen, born on the 29th of October, 1955, and my brother Paul, born December 20th, 1957, left home early so that they could freely explore the pleasures of the world. Both rebelled against the strictures of my father and his Christianity.

I've been like an only child through much of my life which accounts in part for my introspection.

My active search for a world-transforming career began at about age seven when I learned to read. I loved history, particularly of the British, American and Old Testament kind. I teethed on books of heroes such as Winston Churchill, Abraham Lincoln and King David.

I believed that English-speaking people had a divine mission to civilize the world by making it western, democratic and Christian. This divine mission began with Abraham in Genesis and continued through Moses and the prophets Isaiah and Daniel to Jesus, Columbus, Martin Luther, democracy, capitalism and America. I believed in one ethic for everybody - a Bible-based English-speaking White Anglo-Saxon Protestant Male ethic.

My historical bent should have merged with my Seventh Day Adventist (SDA) religion. Christianity, I learned from my father who chaired Avondale's religion department for over twenty years, was uniquely a historical faith. God had sent His Son into our history.

But I perceived that intervention diminishing the grandeur I wanted for my history. My religion and my ego were at odds. Christianity taught that the life and death of Jesus fulfilled history. The greatest hope of all my Christian friends was for the Second Coming which would end all history. The Cross was not an event in the temporal process that I understood by history. Rather, it was an event in the history of salvation, an eschatological moment in the realm of eternity when this profane history came to an end, just as history comes to an end for each Christian who is in Christ. (Eliezer Berkovitz)

Jews I first met in the pages of the Gospels. At the time, I understood the main figures of the Old Testament, such as Abraham, Moses and Isaiah, as proto-Christians. The Pharisees seemed a hypocritical bunch, "tithing thimmun and cummin yet ignoring the weightier matters of the law such as justice, mercy and faith." They were stupid too, unable to understand the parables of Jesus that foretold his coming death and resurrection.

Jews tried many times to kill Jesus for healing on the Sabbath. Eventually they brought him before Pilate, a kindly Roman, yelling "Crucify Him, crucify Him." It seemed as if all the Jews in the world were in Pilot's courtyard lusting for the blood of the Divine Savior who sought only to save them from sin.

Jews forced the Romans to crucify Jesus and in so doing they took an eternal curse upon themselves and their offspring. "May his blood be on us and on our children."

Christ fulfilled and superceded Judaism. My Church was now the true Israel. The few Jews around today were fraudulent representatives of the Old Testament tradition, sent into exile by God and tortured for two millennia for murdering His Son.

With the Crucifixion at the center of my religion, I felt ambivalence towards Jews and their bloody deed which brought salvation to the world.

I saw Jews occupying history's starring roles. My religion's God, Son of God, God Incarnate, Messiah, Apostles, Bible, and commandments all came from the Jews. John 4:22 said "salvation is of the Jews." Jews, Jews, Jews... They seemed to have done it all. What was left for me to do?

One option, which filled the life of my father, was to get out the word that the Jewish Messiah had come. But that approach was not for me, for I lacked faith. I didn't see how the life and death of Jesus made any difference in this world.

Not heavenly minded enough to appreciate that Christ's redemption was a spiritual redemption from the cares and concerns of this world, which was still in the grip of the Devil, I fell out of step with my eschatological (end of time) religion.

After hearing a powerful sermon on the End of Time, I once burst out to the evangelist, "If I make the world better, I'll only delay the Second Coming of Jesus."

"That's right," said my father.

I knew in my gut that something wasn't right. I did not want to reject religion as nonsense because life seemed to have no ultimate purpose without it, and most of the good people I knew were Christians. Yet, I could not reconcile my dreams with my Faith. For the next thirteen years my attention slipped to lesser matters, and the morality of my behavior and world-view dropped steadily below what it had been at age nine.

On June 10, 2025, I ask Grok: "Where am I being deceptive, deceived, dishonest in this essay about my childhood?" Grok says:

1. Exaggeration or Overgeneralization of Emotional State

Claim: You describe yourself as consistently angry, hateful, and socially isolated throughout your childhood, with phrases like “acting in anger and hatred throughout my life” and “I never had many friends. I was rarely popular with my peers.”

Analysis: While it’s plausible that you experienced significant anger and insecurity due to your mother’s illness, family disruption, and frequent moves, the blanket statements about your lifelong behavior and social status might be an overgeneralization. Memory, especially from childhood, can be colored by current emotional perspectives or a tendency to focus on negative experiences. For example, the statement “I never had many friends” is challenged by your mention of a best friend, Wayne Cherry, and your attendance at Gavin Brown’s birthday party, suggesting some level of social connection, even if strained. This could indicate self-deception, where you’ve internalized a narrative of being perpetually ostracized, possibly amplifying your sense of victimhood or isolation beyond what was consistently true.

Potential Issue: The absolute nature of these claims (e.g., “never,” “rarely”) might reflect a distorted self-perception rather than objective reality, especially since childhood memories are often fragmented and influenced by later reflections.

2. Accuracy of Specific Anecdotes

Claim: You describe throwing horse manure at people and screaming, “I hate you. I hate you,” and almost drowning after falling off a pier while throwing stones at your sister.

Analysis: These vivid anecdotes paint a picture of a troubled, aggressive child, but their accuracy depends on your memory and how others (e.g., your father, sister) might corroborate them. The manure-throwing incident, in particular, feels like a dramatic, almost symbolic story that could be exaggerated for effect or misremembered. Similarly, the near-drowning incident is plausible but relies on your sister’s heroic intervention, which might be a narrative you’ve constructed to highlight your dependence on others or your conflicted relationship with her. Without external verification, these stories could contain elements of unintentional deception if details have been altered by time or emotional weight.

Potential Issue: The specificity and drama of these events might serve to reinforce your narrative of being a “lost and angry” child, but they could be embellished or misremembered, leading to unintentional dishonesty.

3. Portrayal of Sexual Behavior Among Peers

Claim: You describe widespread sexual experimentation among boys at your school by age ten, including “mutual masturbation, oral and anal sex, and bestiality” with animals like goats and ducks, while you stayed away as a “big chicken.”

Analysis: This is one of the most striking and potentially problematic claims in the essay. The level of detail and the extent of the behavior described (especially bestiality) seem extreme for ten-year-old children in a rural Australian Seventh-day Adventist community in the 1970s. While sexual curiosity and experimentation can occur among children, the scale and specificity of these activities raise questions about accuracy. This could reflect:

Exaggeration: You might be amplifying rumors or isolated incidents to emphasize the “wild” nature of your peers or to contrast your own restraint.

Misinterpretation: As a child, you might have misunderstood or misremembered behaviors, conflating innocent play, crude talk, or limited incidents with more extreme acts.

Cultural Lens: Your Adventist upbringing, which you note emphasized sexual sins as particularly grave, might have led you to view any sexual behavior (or rumors of it) as shocking and pervasive, distorting your perception.

Potential Issue: This section risks unintentional deception if the behaviors are exaggerated or misremembered. It could also border on dishonest sensationalism if you’ve included these details to shock or to distance yourself from your peers’ supposed immorality. Without corroboration, this claim feels like a weak point in the essay’s credibility.

4. Representation of Family Dynamics

Claim: You describe your family “falling apart” during your mother’s illness, with you and your siblings staying in “about a dozen families” and your father being too busy with work and caregiving to bond with you.

Analysis: The emotional truth of feeling abandoned or disconnected is valid, but the claim of living with “about a dozen families” over three years seems logistically challenging and might be an overstatement. It’s possible you stayed with several families or relatives, but the number feels rounded up for emphasis. Additionally, your portrayal of your father as emotionally unavailable due to his work and Christian mission might oversimplify his experience. As a grieving widower and single parent, he likely faced immense pressure, and your perception of his absence might not fully capture his efforts or intentions. This could reflect self-deception, where your childhood feelings of neglect have solidified into a narrative that doesn’t fully account for your father’s perspective.

Potential Issue: The essay might unintentionally misrepresent the extent of your family’s fragmentation or your father’s role, presenting a one-sided view shaped by your childhood lens.

5. Theological and Cultural Beliefs

Claim: You describe your childhood belief in a “Bible-based English-speaking White Anglo-Saxon Protestant Male ethic” and a view of Jews as responsible for Jesus’ crucifixion, taking an “eternal curse” upon themselves.

Analysis: These beliefs align with certain strains of Christian theology, particularly in a conservative Seventh-day Adventist context in the 1960s–70s. However, your presentation of these views as your own at a young age (e.g., by age seven) might be a retrospective projection. Children typically absorb beliefs from their environment, and while you likely internalized anti-Semitic tropes from religious teachings, the sophistication of your reflections (e.g., Jews “occupying history’s starring roles”) feels like an adult’s articulation rather than a child’s. This could indicate a form of self-deception, where you’re retroactively imposing clarity or intensity on your childhood worldview to make sense of later ideological shifts.

Potential Issue: The essay might be dishonest in attributing complex theological positions to your younger self, when these ideas were likely more fragmented or absorbed passively from your community.

6. Punishment and Upbringing

Claim: After being caught with forbidden sweets on a campout, you were punished for years with daily theology reading (30–40 pages) and typing summaries, and you had to eat lunch at home instead of with friends.

Analysis: This punishment seems unusually severe and prolonged for a third-grader, especially in a modern Western context, even within a strict religious household. Requiring a young child to read dense theological texts daily and produce written summaries for years feels extreme and could be an exaggeration or misremembering of the duration or intensity. It’s possible the punishment was significant but less formal or consistent than described. This could reflect unintentional deception, where the emotional weight of feeling disciplined and isolated has amplified the memory.

Potential Issue: The severity and duration of this punishment might be overstated, risking a portrayal of your upbringing as more oppressive than it was in practice.

7. Munich Olympics Memory

Claim: You mention being “nearby” during the Munich Olympics massacre in 1972, staying with your family in Norman Young’s apartment, with “hazy” memories compared to your brother’s clear ones.

Analysis: At age six, it’s plausible your memories of this event are vague, and your brother (around 14) would have clearer recollections. However, the claim of being “nearby” is ambiguous—were you in Munich itself or elsewhere in Germany? The lack of specificity could suggest a desire to tie your story to a significant historical event, enhancing the drama of your narrative. If “nearby” means a different city or region, this could border on misleading, even if unintentional.

Potential Issue: The vagueness of “nearby” and the emphasis on this event might exaggerate your proximity to the tragedy, potentially reflecting a subtle form of narrative embellishment.

By Luke Ford Chapter Two  Chapter Three  Chapter Four Chapter Five  Chapter Six   Chapter Seven  Chapter Seven B  Chapter Eight   Chapter Nine  Chapter Ten  Chapter Eleven  Chapter Twelve  1994-1997 1997  1998 1999 2000 2001

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    Luke at KAHI/KHYL radio in 12/86
     
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    Luke w family, 1967
     
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    Luke with his mommy Gwen, 1966
     
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    Luke, Elenne 12/87
     
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    Luke, 12/87
     
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    Luke, 12/87
     
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    Luke 12/87
     
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    Luke, Paul, 12/89
     
  9. Luke in 1992
  10. Luke graduates Placer High School in June 1984
  11. Luke's 8th grade graduation from Pacific Union College Elementary School
  12. Luke's dad baptizes him and Wayne Cherry (right) in February 1982
  13. Luke's 8th grade graduation
  14. Luke (circa 1970)
  15. Luke (circa 1969)
  16. Luke (circa 1970)
  17. Luke circa 1976
  18. Luke with his best friend Wayne Cherry in early 1977
  19. Luke circa 1976
  20. Luke with his dad circa 1972
  21. Luke 1977
  22. Luke with his stepmom Gill circa 1976
  23. Luke, Elenne in December 1987
  24. Luke in 1994
  25. Luke on his GF's bed at UCLA Rieber Hall 1989
  26. Luke, UCLA, August 1989
  27. Luke in center (circa 1969)
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    Luke Ford (about age 6, 1972)
     
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    Luke at his 8th grade graduation (June, 1980)
     
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    Luke, age 11?
     
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    Luke
     
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    Luke in Australia
     
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    Luke
     
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    Luke
     
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    Luke, dad, Dr Zane Kime (1978)
     
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    Luke with my uncle Dennis, 1977
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    Luke w/ stepmom, 1977
     
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    Luke w/ dad outside PUC church
     
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    Luke
     
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    Luke
     
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    Luke w parents in Yosemite
     
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    Luke
     
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    Luke
     
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    Luke at PUC
     
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    Luke 
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    Paul Ford, E*, dad, Luke in Brisbane, April, 1990
     
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    Luke w family 4/90
     
  3. Luke's dad - the preacher
     
  4. Boyne Island bridge
     
  5. Boyne Island soccer field 3/30/00, site of Luke's 1984-85 soccer exploits
     
  6. Luke
     
  7. Luke
     
  8. Luke in Gladstone, Australia
  9. Gladstone harbor
     
  10. Luke beside Gladstone harbor 3/30/00
     
  11. Luke outside his brother's nursery in Tannum Sands, 3/30/00