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Chapter Five

"I love your arrogance," writes Tien in the summer of 1989. "You are so adorable when you think that you can change the world."

By Luke Ford Chapter One Chapter Two  Chapter Three  Chapter Four Chapter Five  Chapter Six   Chapter Seven  Chapter Seven B  Chapter Eight   Chapter Nine  Chapter Ten  Chapter Eleven  Chapter Twelve 1994-1997 1997  1998 1998B 1999 2000 2001 2009

CFS forced me to leave UCLA in June 1989, and I returned to my parents home (in the foothills of the Sierra Nevada mountain range 40 minutes drive up I-80 from Sacramento). Too sick and groggy to do anything, I sat alone in our isolated house watching TV and movies as my friends in particular and life in general passed me by. My low state led me one day to pick up Prager's book, (hand it to my stepmother to read to me) and begin my study of the most difficult religion in the world.

I came to the Nine Questions People Ask About Judaism knowing that my present approach to life did not work, and that all other approaches to life of which I was aware were inadequate. Now too sick to distract myself from the pursuit of meaning with the temporary pleasures of sex and success, I sought answers to life's ultimate issues from the man whose loving kindness touched my life and opened me to his religion. Prager not only answered my calls over KABC radio but he also answered my letters and he sent me at no charge two editions of his quarterly journal Ultimate Issues.

Out of the many profound religious thinkers (generally Christians) that I'd met through a lifetime of study, I chose Prager to change my life for these distinguishing reasons.

* He has no agenda besides what works. For instance, how a person comes to ethical monotheism, for instance, be it through Christianity, Islam or Judaism, does not matter much to him.

* He's real.

* He speaks frankly about sex and the rest of life.

* His sharp clear definition of evil as "gratuitous human cruelty."

* He hates evil, not people with differing theologies from his.

* His honesty in stating that he didn't know why there was unjust natural suffering.

* His honesty in admitting that he didn't know many things. He rarely spoke about economics, for instance.

* His moderation.

* His openness to truth from any source.

* By staying open to many conflicting values, he struggled, and I appreciate that the point of life is not in the reward (as it was for the Apostle Paul) but in the struggle.

* His fairness, shown for example, in his comparison of Marxism with Judaism (in chapter four of The Nine Questions). After reading it, and after nearly a year of listening to Prager on the radio, I easily realized that socialism had been a substitute religion for me. At age 22, I decided to take real religion seriously.

Nine Questions gave no new arguments for God's existence, but it showed me more clearly than I had seen before the stark necessity for taking the God question seriously. Without belief in God, life has no ultimate meaning and no objective standard of good and evil. If the only thing wrong with gratuitous torture was that I didn't like it, depressed me.

I decided to take God and organized religion seriously, and to reject the secular life which in my teens had looked attractive because it allowed me to act in any way that I wanted.

I wrote to Prager to tell him what he'd done for me and he wrote back: "I receive many letters, but few have touched me as much as yours. Get better. You are needed in the fight for good values."

I accepted that we needed to organize to make a better world, but why should I join the Jewish organization and hold myself accountable to hundreds of painful laws? Judaism, after all, unique amongst world religions, says that it is easier to get afterlife rewards by staying outside the religion than by coming in. Judaism holds non-Jews accountable to only a few rules of basic decency (the seven laws of the sons of Noah).

One strong argument to converting to Judaism was my painful awareness of how I had screwed up my life. In the years before my illness, I abandoned the Sabbath, and worked and studied every spare minute to get ahead. In the process, however, I abandoned my family and friends, failed to develop myself in areas outside work and study, cut ethical corners in schoolwork and taxes, and destroyed my health.

I saw Judaism's balanced approach to life as a combination wife and mother and father figure to keep me on the straight and narrow path.

From June to December, 1989 I lived in secular and Christian environments and they convinced me that I could not return to either approach to life.

Thus, my second and most powerful reason for converting to Judaism was that I saw no alternative.

I began observing Jewish Law in October (both the Sabbath and vegetarianism were familiar to me from my Adventist upbringing) 1989.

The third reason propelling me to Judaism was my desire for importance. You can't get more important than belonging to the Chosen Ones. They possess the only step-by-step detailed system for making a better world --halacah (Jewish Law).

Before Christmas 1989 I decided to convert to Judaism.

"How could you [convert to Judaism]?" asked my Seventh Day Adventist girlfriend. We lay squashed together in a single bed. "Doesn't it bother you that the Jews crucified Jesus?"

"The Jews didn't crucify Jesus," I said. "The Romans crucified Jesus. Anyway, that was two-thousand years ago. My focus is on healing this world."

"You're wasting your time with this world," she replied. "It stinks."

Life certainly stunk for me for the next few months as our relationship disintegrated and headaches prevented me from further study. With but a simple faith that salvation is of the Jews, I looked around for help.

I quickly found that Jews don't seek converts to Judaism. "If you want to convert, that's fine. But you have to come to us," is the general Jewish attitude. That I was too sick to leave the house was my bad luck. Thinking about the red-carpet treatment that Christians roll out for converts, I felt hurt.

I was despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. (Isaiah 53)

I found solace in Dennis Prager lectures on tape which filled with a sense of Judaism's mission to the world.

One day I heard Prager mention my name during question time of his February 28, 1990 lecture morally comparing Liberalism with Conservatism delivered before the Beverly Hills Republican Club:

"My wife knows this example well. Some of you who've heard my show may recall Luke. Luke was a UCLA student from Australia. You may recall this young man with an accent. Burning, as the Yiddish say 'fabrenta marxist'... burning, passionate Marxist..Called me, debated me for a year. Before he went home to Australia last year he sent me a long letter saying "You have changed my life. I have now decided to take religion seriously and I now realize that Marxism was my own religion and I was wrong."

I lay in bed one summer afternoon listening to Prager's lecture 'Why the Jews? The Reason for Antisemitism.' Jews bother the world because its the Jewish mission to bother the world and to give it no peace so long as it has not God. The Jews' allegiance to Judaism's trinity of Ellohim, Torah and Yisrael (God, law and peoplehood) challenges the gods, laws and national identities of the goyim (non-Jews).

"And just in case you weren't antisemitic until now, and we didn't challenge your values enough," said Prager on tape, "we also believe that we are chosen by God....

"But every nation in history has believed itself chosen. Do you know what China means in Chinese? Center of the world. Would you say that's ethnocentric? Do you know why the Japanese flag has a large red circle in it? That is the sun. The Japanese have the quaint belief that the sun rises first on Japan and then goes to the rest of the world... Americans believe in Manifest Destiny....

"How many of you want to see the Chinese exterminated because they think they are the center of the world? I suspect none of you. How many of you want to see the Japanese thrust into gas chambers because they think they're the land of the Rising Sun? You know why you don't care? Because you don't believe it.

"Any do you know why they hated us for our belief in chosenness? Because they did believe it! That's the difference. Nobody laughed about Jews being chosen. They believed it and they resented it..."

My telephone rang and I switched off the tape. I heard a familiar voice on the other end of the line.

"Luke?"

"Oh my God."

"Do you know who this is from one word?"

"Oh my God. It's Dennis Prager," I said.

"You've called me many times," said Prager. "So I thought it was time I called you."

I told Prager that I now lived for God and he told me to be moderate. "There's no need to enter a monastery."

Prager invited me to sit in on his radio show when I'm next in Los Angeles. To this day (8/93) I haven't had the strength.

I had my first personal conversation with a rabbi a few hours before Rosh Hashana 5751 (September, 1990).

I felt guilty about my continuing relationship with Tien. I did not want to marry her, but I did not want to leave her alone either. She taped Dennis Prager's radio show for me and showered me with phone calls, letters and other expressions of love.

Rabbi M. told me to cut off our relationship and so I did a couple of days later.

As a parting gift, I sent Tien a two-year gift subscription to Prager's quarterly journal Ultimate Issues and over 20 Prager tapes.

I missed Tien deeply. I got little attention over the next few months. My mailbox was empty. My telephone rarely rang. Unbeknownst to me, Tien phoned my stepmother several times.

One evening in early Spring, 1991, I sat at the kitchen table with Gill. "I wish that God would send me a sign about Tien," I said.

The telephone rang and I knew it was Tien. We talked happily for an hour.

I felt guilty for days afterwards, worrying that I was distracting Tien from seeking out a permanent relationship. When she phoned me again to say that for the first time in her life, someone close to her had died, I told Tien that we couldn't talk anymore.

I had no further contact with Tien, until late July 1993 when I sent her a two-word note with my phone number - "How's Tien?"

Tien phoned and wrote me that she was doing well - graduated from UCLA and working full time. Her two year relationship with G., however, had broken off. Tien told me that when she phoned me in early 1991, she was already in love with G., but she had wanted to know how I was doing. Tien felt sorry for my isolation.

June 10, 2025, I ask Grok to analyze the above for truth. Grok said:

1. Portrayal of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) and Its Impact

Claim: You state that CFS forced you to leave UCLA in June 1989, leaving you “too sick and groggy to do anything” and isolated in your parents’ home, where you sat alone watching TV and movies. You link this low state to beginning your study of Judaism, as you were too sick to distract yourself with “temporary pleasures of sex and success.”

Analysis: The description of CFS as debilitating and isolating is plausible, given the condition’s known symptoms in the late 1980s, when diagnostic understanding was limited. However, the narrative’s emphasis on complete isolation and inability to do anything might be exaggerated for dramatic effect. For example, you were able to engage with Prager’s book (via your stepmother reading it), write letters, listen to tapes, and make phone calls, suggesting some capacity for intellectual and social activity. If you’ve overstated the extent of your incapacity to underscore the gravity of your situation or to frame your turn to Judaism as a desperate necessity, this could reflect self-deception or mild dishonesty. The causal link between CFS and your religious shift is presented as direct, but other factors (e.g., prior interest in Prager’s ideas) might have played a larger role than acknowledged, potentially misleading readers about the complexity of your motivations.

Potential Deception: You might be deceiving yourself by attributing your religious conversion primarily to CFS-induced isolation, downplaying earlier intellectual groundwork laid by Prager’s radio show. Dishonesty could arise if you’ve exaggerated your physical limitations to heighten the narrative’s emotional weight.

2. Idealization of Dennis Prager

Claim: You portray Prager as a transformative figure whose “loving kindness” opened you to Judaism. You list reasons for choosing him over other religious thinkers, including his lack of agenda, honesty, moderation, and focus on struggle over reward. You describe personal interactions, such as Prager sending you free journals, answering letters, and calling you, culminating in a heartfelt phone call where he mentions your name in a lecture.

Analysis: The idealized depiction of Prager as a near-saintly mentor risks overstating his personal involvement or impact. While it’s plausible he responded to your letters and sent journals, the narrative frames these as exceptional acts of kindness, which might reflect your emotional need for a father figure rather than objective reality. The phone call, where Prager recognizes you from one word and mentions your name in a lecture, feels almost cinematic and could be embellished for effect. If Prager’s engagement was less personal or frequent than implied (e.g., standard responses to a persistent listener), this could border on dishonesty through exaggeration. Additionally, your list of Prager’s virtues (e.g., “no agenda,” “real,” “openness to truth”) might reflect selective perception, ignoring potential biases in his public persona (e.g., his known conservative leanings). This suggests possible self-deception in casting Prager as a flawless guide.

Potential Deception: You might be deceiving yourself by idealizing Prager to fulfill a psychological need for guidance, or deceiving readers by presenting a one-sided, overly positive portrayal without acknowledging his limitations or broader context.

3. Motivations for Converting to Judaism

Claim: You provide three reasons for converting to Judaism: (1) personal failure and need for structure, (2) lack of viable alternatives after rejecting secularism and Christianity, and (3) desire for importance as part of the “Chosen Ones” with a detailed system (halacha) for improving the world. You describe Judaism as a “combination wife and mother and father figure” to keep you on the “straight and narrow path.”

Analysis: These reasons are introspective but risk oversimplifying a complex decision. The first reason—personal failure due to abandoning the Sabbath and ethical lapses—might exaggerate your pre-illness lifestyle’s recklessness to justify conversion. For example, claiming you “destroyed my health” by overworking lacks evidence linking this directly to CFS, which could reflect self-deception in assigning blame. The second reason, rejecting alternatives, feels convenient and may downplay any lingering appeal of secularism or Christianity, potentially misleading readers about the depth of your exploration. The third reason, desiring importance, is candid but portrays Judaism’s “Chosen People” concept in a way that might overstate its appeal to your ego, possibly reflecting self-deception about your motives. The metaphor of Judaism as a parental figure is evocative but could romanticize the religion’s role, ignoring its challenges or your struggles with observance. If you’ve framed these reasons to create a coherent narrative of redemption, this could obscure messier motivations.

Potential Deception: You might be deceiving yourself by constructing a tidy rationale for conversion that emphasizes personal redemption over other factors (e.g., intellectual curiosity, Prager’s influence). Dishonesty could arise if you’ve overstated the clarity or exclusivity of these reasons to make the decision seem inevitable.

4. Interactions with Your Adventist Girlfriend

Claim: You recount a conversation with your Seventh-day Adventist girlfriend, who questions your conversion by asking, “Doesn’t it bother you that the Jews crucified Jesus?” You respond that the Romans crucified Jesus and focus on healing the world, while she dismisses the world as “stinking.” You note the relationship disintegrated amid your headaches and conversion.

Analysis: The dialogue feels scripted, with your girlfriend’s question playing into a stereotypical Christian critique of Judaism, which you neatly rebut. This could be a reconstructed or exaggerated exchange to highlight your commitment to Judaism and contrast it with Christianity’s perceived flaws. If the conversation was less clear-cut or didn’t occur as presented, this would constitute dishonesty through embellishment. Additionally, your dismissal of her worldview (“It stinks”) might oversimplify her beliefs, reflecting a biased lens that favors your new Jewish identity. Self-deception could occur if you’ve convinced yourself this exchange encapsulates the relationship’s end, ignoring other factors (e.g., your illness, differing priorities).

Potential Deception: You might be deceiving yourself by framing the breakup as a clean ideological split, or deceiving readers by presenting a dramatized conversation that reinforces your narrative of choosing Judaism over Christianity.

5. Relationship with Tien

Claim: You describe feeling guilty about continuing your relationship with Tien, whom you didn’t want to marry but didn’t want to leave alone. A rabbi advises you to end it, and you do, sending her Prager’s journal and tapes as a parting gift. You later reconnect briefly in 1991 and 1993, learning she was already in love with someone else during your 1991 call.

Analysis: The portrayal of Tien as a devoted but ultimately incompatible partner is poignant but selective. Your guilt and decision to end the relationship per the rabbi’s advice suggest a desire to align with Jewish values, but the narrative might downplay Tien’s perspective or agency. For example, her continued contact with your stepmother and her 1991 call while in love with someone else indicate a more complex dynamic than you present. If you’ve omitted details about mutual tensions or your own role in prolonging the relationship, this could reflect self-deception in casting yourself as a conscientious but conflicted figure. The dramatic moment where you “knew” it was Tien calling after wishing for a sign from God feels embellished, possibly to add a mystical element to the story. This could mislead readers about the nature of your interactions.

Potential Deception: You might be deceiving yourself by framing the relationship’s end as a noble sacrifice for religious principles, or deceiving readers by omitting messier details that complicate the narrative.

6. Engagement with Judaism and Jewish Community

Claim: You describe beginning to observe Jewish law (Sabbath, vegetarianism) in October 1989, deciding to convert before Christmas, and facing indifference from Jews who don’t seek converts. You quote Isaiah 53 (“despised and rejected of men”) to express your isolation and hurt, and note your first rabbinic conversation in September 1990.

Analysis: The timeline raises questions: you began observing Jewish law and decided to convert in 1989, but only spoke to a rabbi in 1990, suggesting a self-directed process that might overstate your early commitment. The claim that Jews were indifferent and offered no “red-carpet treatment” could exaggerate their response, as conversion processes often involve rigorous vetting rather than rejection. Applying Isaiah 53, a text with Christian messianic connotations, to your experience is striking but might reflect self-dramatization, casting yourself as a suffering figure to heighten the narrative’s emotional stakes. If you’ve overstated the Jewish community’s indifference or your isolation to emphasize your perseverance, this could border on dishonesty. Self-deception might occur if you’ve convinced yourself your conversion was more solitary or heroic than it was.

Potential Deception: You might be deceiving yourself by romanticizing your conversion as a lonely struggle, or deceiving readers by exaggerating the Jewish community’s aloofness or your early observance.

7. Philosophical and Theological Assertions

Claim: You state that without belief in God, life has “no ultimate meaning and no objective standard of good and evil,” and that Judaism’s focus on halacha offers a unique “step-by-step detailed system for making a better world.” You also cite Prager’s view that Jews are hated for their chosenness because others believe it.

Analysis: These assertions reflect your adoption of Prager’s worldview but risk oversimplification. The claim that life lacks meaning without God is a philosophical stance, not a universal truth, and presenting it as self-evident might ignore alternative secular frameworks you once found attractive. Similarly, portraying Judaism’s halacha as uniquely detailed could downplay other religions’ ethical systems, reflecting a bias toward your new identity. Prager’s argument about antisemitism, while compelling, is presented without critique, suggesting possible self-deception in fully embracing his narrative without questioning its scope. If you’ve adopted these views to resolve existential angst, this could mislead readers about the complexity of theological and social issues.

Potential Deception: You might be deceiving yourself by accepting Prager’s ideas as definitive to anchor your new beliefs, or deceiving readers by presenting them as unassailable truths without acknowledging counterperspectives.

Summary of Findings

Deceptive Elements: The chapter may include deception through exaggeration (e.g., CFS’s debilitating impact, Prager’s personal involvement), selective storytelling (e.g., Tien’s relationship, Jewish community’s response), and dramatization (e.g., phone call with Tien, Isaiah 53 quote). These could mislead readers about the events’ intensity, accuracy, or context.

Self-Deception: You might be deceiving yourself by idealizing Prager, romanticizing your conversion as a solitary struggle, or framing your motivations (e.g., failure, importance) in a way that creates a coherent redemption arc, possibly overlooking messier realities.

Dishonesty: Dishonesty could arise from reconstructed dialogues (e.g., with your girlfriend), overstated claims (e.g., Jewish indifference), or presenting philosophical assertions as facts without nuance. While no intentional falsehoods are evident, the narrative’s polish risks distorting the truth.

Recommendations for Improvement

To enhance the chapter’s honesty and credibility:

Clarify Limitations: Specify the extent of your CFS symptoms and activities you could still perform to avoid overstating incapacity.

Balance Prager’s Role: Acknowledge Prager’s broader public persona or potential biases to temper the idealized portrayal.

Detail Conversion Process: Provide more context on your early observance and interactions with Jews to clarify the timeline and community response.

Include Complexity: Explore alternative motivations or lingering doubts about secularism/Christianity to reflect a nuanced journey.

Moderate Drama: Tone down cinematic moments (e.g., Tien’s call, Isaiah 53) unless verifiable, and ground dialogues in memory with caveats.

Engage Counterviews: Address alternative perspectives on meaning, ethics, or antisemitism to avoid presenting Prager’s ideas as definitive.

Expand on Relationships: Offer more of Tien’s and your girlfriend’s perspectives to avoid one-sided portrayals.

By Luke Ford Chapter Two  Chapter Three  Chapter Four Chapter Five  Chapter Six   Chapter Seven  Chapter Seven B  Chapter Eight   Chapter Nine  Chapter Ten  Chapter Eleven  Chapter Twelve 1994-1997 1997  1998 1998B 1999 2000 2001 2009