By Luke Ford Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three Chapter Four Chapter Five Chapter Six Chapter Seven Chapter Seven B Chapter Eight Chapter Nine Chapter Ten Chapter Eleven Chapter Twelve 1994-1997 1997 1998 1998B 1999 2000 2001 2009
A Seventh Day Adventist Bible scholar deconstructs Luke and Luke's father:
Luke's Family Apologize For Luke
My stepmother Gill www.hormonesonline.com wrote this 4/99. It largely reflects the views of my family.
This week, our son Luke came to visit us [in Sacramento]. He has been somewhat distanced from the family, and this was a better meeting than some in the past. I took the opportunity to talk to him about his life, and we talked for about 3 hours. I think we had better communication than we had experienced in the previous decade. Though I don’t expect Luke to change direction as a result.
Luke is about to get his 5 minutes of fame. He has been longing for this attention and working towards it. He is about to publish his first book. A recent Barnes and Noble catolog gave his book quite a push. He has apparently made quite an impact by criticizing the porn industry. Articles have been written about him and he has been on TV. And there will be more to come. So here’s some input from Luke’s family who have been anticipating and somewhat dreading this notoriety.
Luke comes from a Christian family, and his father is a minister. Luke converted to Judaism some years ago. We are not happy about his involvement in pornography. It bothers us that there is such a merciless streak in him that he hurts people because he thinks they deserve it. Mercy is a valued trait in our family, and Luke is often merciless. In the past, he would tell me off if I gossiped, yet his whole business is based on gossip, and it’s clear he does not wait to check his information before publishing. It seems this is the trait that most annoys people about him--enough to get him frequent death threats.
We feel very sorry for the Jewish community whom we know would not approve of what he is doing either. While being a commentator on the industry, he is also fascinated by it, somewhat involved in it, and supported by it. He receives money from porn sites that are advertised on his site. This is because he receives 50,000 hits per day and they want the traffic. Luke has also acted in a pornographic movie, though he has not participated in sex on film, so he tells me.
I told Luke that I read his website every so often to follow what he was doing. He was horrified that I would do this and said that his therapist and girlfriend hadn’t looked at his website. He thinks his girlfriend would give him up if she did.
There are some mitigating circumstances for those willing to be more merciful than Luke is. I would like to explain to those who are interested some things about Luke’s background. Gene Ross has it quite wrong.
Luke was born in Australia to a mother who was already sick of breast cancer. By the time he was 10 months old, the cancer had metastasized to the bones and, she was given two weeks to live. Gwen lived for another 3 years and those were cruel years. She vomited regularly and weighed only 60 lbs those last years. She died when Luke was 3.
During those 2-3 years, Luke lived in several different homes and had a number of "mothers." Gwen was too sick to look after him, and she was with him only part of the time. Those other "mothers" also had to leave him, and this was very hard on him. Luke was a very smart child and had unusual intuition and he shown signs of disturbance and depression when very young. I married his father seven months after Gwen died with her blessing. She gave Luke to me as an inheritance, and I took that charge very seriously. Luke was four when he came home. I am the only mother Luke remembers, he is the only child I ever had. I love him dearly. And his actions of the past eight to ten years have been very painful to me and the rest of his family.
I think we made a real mistake when Luke was small by telling him that his mother felt when she was carrying him that he was going to do a special work for God. A small child can’t handle such a grand responsibility and maybe it sowed the seeds of grandeur in him and gave him an unrealistic viewpoint of himself. Yet maybe he will bring glory to God in a negative way like Samson. There is nothing any of us can do ultimately against God. He uses everything to his glory, good or bad. Yet every mother would like a Daniel rather than a Samson.
Luke’s biography on this website is very slanted. It reflects the subconcious feelings of an angry hurt child, yet it lacks all the positives. He was and is deeply loved. And in some ways he had a privileged childhood (time devoted, not money).
When Luke was going into college, he worked out all four years of classes ahead of time. He knew what he was going to do (journalism, communications), he knew where he was going to do his postgraduate studies (at Berkley) and his Ph.D. (at the London School of Economics). He was the most self-directed adolescent you could ever meet. Luke was always a bit eccentric, but he was cheerful and well liked (though he always like to bait people and irritate them).
It seems to us that Luke’s life drastically changed after a car accident. He thinks he was about age 19. He was driving his VW to college one morning and was blinded by the sun. Seeing yellow against yellow, he hit the back of a parked school bus, and his seat belt broke. He was taken to hospital and had 30 stitches between his eyebrows. We believe that Luke had some type of brain injury. It was after that, that he started to gradually change. He became compulsive and obsessive, drove himself in every area of his life into the ground, and ended up with mono and chronic fatigue syndrome. He spent about 8 years sick with extreme fatigue. He attended UCLA for a year during his 20s but was only able to complete one class a quarter. It was during that time that he began to listen to Dennis Prager on the radio and began his journey towards Judaism.
There is a lot of tragedy in the world, such as Kosovo, AIDs, and children dying of cancer. But there are also personal tragedies that blight and ruin lives. It was a terrible thing that happened to Luke because he had such drive, motivation, and zest for life. The car accident and the ensuing chronic fatigue that still constantly drags him down in one sense destroyed his life.
Luke has a father who has two earned Ph.Ds (MSU and Manchester University), which he finished in 18 months each; and he has written over 20 books. A very hard act to follow for Luke who had similar gifts and extreme ambition. Luke had the same potential and it all went down the drain or so it seems when he got sick. There are still many days when he can hardly drag himself to the computer, and he is often visibly sick.
In Luke’s 20s, when the CFS was at its height, Luke would have terrific sweats, his eyes would be unnaturally bright, and he had lurid, horrible nightmares where he was pursued by giant snakes which always attacked, overwhelmed, and swallowed him. He was conscious of a struggle with these snakes; he always tried to overcome them, but they always won and swallowed him. It was the fear of death. He thought he was dying. In later years we came to understand that these were possibly prepsychotic dreams. When he was put on antidepressants, particularly Zoloft, he became hypersexual and more bizarre. Later he went on Nardil, which has helped him more than any one thing to get back on his feet. Luke, as far as I can tell, is more normal than he was back then. But there has been a residual effect.
Luke’s intellectual ability did not seem affected except as lack of energy limited his output. The effect seemed an emotional one that came on gradually making him driven, compulsive, extremely self-focussed, with a loss of boundaries, feelings, and sense of appropriateness. And he is extremely narcissistic. You can only hold his attention if you talk about Luke.
We think (and we may be quite wrong) that Luke is like someone with multiple personalities; that there are two distinct Lukes. There is one that is an evil two-year-old child, very angry with his original mother for leaving. That child can be cunning and cruel. That part of Luke is the one that has little respect for women and seems to have no ability to love. That side of Luke has done some bizarre stuff. It reflects a subconscious that is bared to the world and holds nothing back. It has lost its boundaries, its sense of what is appropriate, ethical, and kind.
The other part of Luke is the wise, mature, considerate 70-year-old that he presents on TV, to his therapist, to his parents, to the public, at the synagogue. That side is more like the Luke we used to know.
Multiple personalities as a theory has been receiving bad press lately; but it seems to fit Luke. I am not sure if Luke is really aware of these two sides to his personality. Or if he is really conscious of the ambivalence of his personality and actions.
Yet when I talked to Luke this week, he said he knew he had two sides of his personality and his therapist has recognised this too. I felt that was progress. He can bring that other side out at will now. I saw it years ago, but it surfaced only rarely and fleetingly. Luke believes this is his carnal side (the other, more mature side is his spiritual side). I think Luke’s carnal side is too exposed, too controlling, too close to the surface. But that’s the Christian perspective where effort is expected to fight to keep the evil under.
At the moment Luke likes both these natures, and he thinks they can coexist. I told him that in the classic view of multiple personalities, when they both come out, one lives and the other dies. He’s not ready for that yet. He seems like someone split down the middle and the two parts are going in opposite directions. How can you be for the industry and part of it and supported by it and yet against it and merciless to "the scum in the industry." You are either on one side or another. It doesn’t make sense, and one wonders how long a personality that torn can keep going. It’s like tearing a page in half.
As a family, we have alternated between feeling desperately sorry for him and being very angry with him. For instance, when Luke left home for Florida some years ago, I cried for three days. At other times I feel so mad because I think the porn industry is so demeaning to women, and I don’t think he should be part of it.
But the anger doesn’t last. We don’t like what he’s doing, but we love him. We know that something happened to him. He is not the same person he used to be. And we feel he has shown great courage in just surviving under very difficult circumstances. He says what he’s doing is just a job, that he couldn’t manage anything else. He can work at home and crawl to the computer if necessary. But to quote Luke, involvement in the porn industry is so flattening to the soul. In his biography, Luke says he wasted his teens with sport. Now we thinks he’s wasting his 30s with sex (though Luke thinks it provides income so it’s not a waste).
Everyone who talks about him or writes about him can’t work him out. He’s a mystery man. All see this same ambivalence that we also see.
These are just a few thoughts about this enigma Luke Ford.
Luke received this tarot card reading:
Section 1: General Personality Characteristics
You live in your head a great deal - reading, observing, thinking, spinning ideas around - and you need mental stimulation every bit as much as you need food and drink. In fact, if you had to choose between a good book or movie and a good lunch, you would very likely choose the former. You have a creative mind and often live by your wits.
Section 2: Mental Interests and Abilities
Luke's mom writes privately to him: "There might be another explanation of Luke Ford and his sad departure from the straight and narrow and his ambivalence on the path to morality. No doubt will make you laugh but I have wondered. Have you ever thought you might be devil possessed? Of course, you don't believe in one, but that figures. Have you ever thought of going to a Catholic priest about it? Don't think the Jews believe in the devil so they are not likely to try and push him out. There are two yous and that giggly one is the one that needs to come out. Do you remember in India when you were 3 or 4 when you were convinced you saw the devil. Woke up very excited and chatted about the devil for a long time. You were a funny kid and always hyper-. Well, we were in India and there were a lot of dark men at the time, so it could have triggered a dream."
Luke to mom: "May I quote you?"
Mom: "Hmm! I'm not sure about quoting all that but not much I can do about it. You only think it's funny and want to turn it into a big joke. Will people think the comments re: the Indians are racist? Not intended to be. At the time, we figured you had seen so many black faces... We were in Calcutta and the number of people there is unbelievable; and you weren't used to a sea of black faces, coming from Australia, that so you dreamt about it. And then when you woke up you really thought you had seen the devil. You wouldn't stop talking about it, repeatedly and 50 miles an hour. Who made such an impression about the devil on a 3-year-old? It wasn't me. I'd only been around for two weeks.
"You have been to at least a couple of therapists who felt you had no emotional problems because you have this mature wise side that you can present at will. And I know you play mental games with people because you have done it with me. You know that game where you (meaning you) don't have a problem, but I (meaning me) do.
Fred: "Luke, If you can't find a rabbi in Los Angeles to perform the exorcism, my cousin Bernie is willing to do it. He's seen the Exorcist a few times, and thinks he has the ritual down. You just have to promise to not eat any pea soup prior."
Luke's Ex-Girlfriend Tells All
In March, 1993, Luke answered a singles ad in the Northern California Jewish Bulletin based in San Francisco and met "Lana." Here's an excerpt from my old diary:
3/18 Lana (not her real name) phoned in the evening. This five-foot SJF with naturally E-cup breasts wanted to know what I had told my stepmother Gill about her.
"That you look for extra-terrestrials in outerspace," I said. It's true. Lana volunteers for NASA. Lana says that the strangest creature she has ever found is me. I once complained to my brother Paul that I'd never find anyone like myself.
"To find someone like you, Luke," said Paul, "you'd have to go to Mars." Later in the evening, my stepmother asked who phoned. I replied "Twin Peaks."
Thursday evening, I talked to Lana aka Diana for the first time in years. She has a husky sexy voice.
Diana: "I'm in the midst of a breakup right now. He's on his way over here for me to finish the job. I sort of ended it last week but he won't accept it. I'm still in school [since 1990]. I have six classes left for my degree and I'm working towards my sixth belt in Tae Kwan Do. My breasts are now size C, since the reduction. I've just got a new job with a start-up and a whole bunch of stock options... This guy is not Jewish, two kids, a lot of baggage...
"He's one of the few guys who hasn't stolen from me, or robbed me or lied and cheated."
Luke laughs hysterically.
Diana: "You know what Luke, you were the best of them. It went downhill. The people who sponged off me. I had to put two guys after you into jail. One was in for a year and one for a month. You started a trend in my life, thank you..."
Diana: "And when you date, do you take her to dinner and things like that?"
[I never took Diana out. We just talked and stuff.]
Luke: "I was sick when I knew you."
Diana: "Did you play off your illness? At times you could've gotten out of the house but you opted to say that you were too ill."
Luke: "If I had really pushed myself..."
Diana: "Are you still a big fan of classical music?"
Luke: "Yes, I have 40 classical music CDs and one rock CD - Elton John's Greatest Hits."
Diana: "I kick myself for ripping up your tapes [audio tapes I made her which she ripped up in our breakup]. I miss the craziness of them."
Diana: "Are you still doing the old pen pal thing with women around the world?"
Luke: "No, not at all. Just working."
Diana: "Are you bisexual?"
Diana: "What will probably make you a success is the same thing that makes people hate you - and that's that you will print anything that is said. You will not edit anything. And that's always been your thing."
Luke: "Yep, that's what we were doing when we were working on my bio."
Diana: "I still have your binder with your bio and your discs of your bio. Every moment with you was about you and your autobiography.
"I find it fascinating that you got into this industry. They call you the Matt Drudge of the Porno industry. I just can't believe what you do. How do the women you date feel about it?"
Luke: "They don't like it."
Diana: "It was just before Father's Day and you couldn't decide if you were Hasidic... And I remember shaving you [Luke's earlocks] and trimmed your hair and you looked really good. And you looked in the mirror and you really liked what you saw. And I unleashed a monster. You looked like a dirty old man when I first met you. But there was just something underneath. Your brilliance was just an incredible challenge.
"The one thing I'll give you, and the one thing my mother and I always said, was that you are brilliant. To a fault. The man I've been dating couldn't fire my mind if he had a blowtorch. You reach a point where you tire of defining words all day... He wants to be an author and I say to him, 'How the fuck are you going to write a book if you don't know any words?' I'm getting nasty in my old age."
Luke: "What would you like to tell LukeFord.com readers about the real Luke?"
Diana: "I am so excited to have the opportunity. The sad part is that I really believe that deep in there is a relatively normal, fairly caring, sensitive individual. But I don't think that gets hits to your site."
Luke: "Tell them what a rapacious bastard I was."
Diana: "Rapacious... I've seen that word on your website. I try to read as much of your site as I can and then I get nauseous. I hated you for so long and you made it so easy. You still make it easy.
"I couldn't be indifferent. I just had so many emotions and so many feelings about you. And I would read and I would get to the parts that included "Lana" and I'd just become enraged. "Fuck him, I'm not reading his website. He's not getting another hit out of me, goddamn it. And shut it down."
Luke: "The porn industry can't understand me."
Diana: "Porn people get upset because of things you write about them. What they don't realize about LukeFord.com is that it has nothing to do with them, it is all about Luke. Everything you say, everything you write is 1000% about you."
Luke: "But what about in our relationship? Wasn't I very giving?"
Diana peas off into hysterical laughter.
Diana: "Remember we were talking about the books you want to write. "I Want To Give But I Don't Know How." And how I got you the book, "The Givers and the Takers." You are the center of your world. This permeates every facet of your existence, it's the Wonderful World of Luke. Welcome to me."
Luke: "Do you think I seek attention?"
Diana peals off into hysterics.
Diana: "I don't know why you are in such desperate need of attention. I don't know who traumatized you so terribly as a child that you will seek attention at whatever the cost, whether it is positive or negative, with death threats, it makes no difference. So long as the letter is stamped and addressed to you. You don't care. As long as it focuses on you, talks about you, references you, alludes to you, smells of you, it doesn't matter. I don't know why that it is. I read your autobiography and tried to figure out who did that to you. I don't know if you are still lashing out at your father over and over and over."
Luke: "How would you describe my relationship with my father?"
Diana: "What relationship? That's my description. Your household was the strangest environment. Have you ever eaten a piece of meat, chicken or fish?"
Diana: "Your home was fascinating but it was nuts. From the secret romps in your father's bathtub, to your father sleeping in a net in the porch... When your mother and I went away for July 4th, she and I couldn't wait to shove cupcakes in our mouth. Your household was very stifling and for someone like you who feels a constant need to express themselves...
"As far as your readers and people in the industry, they are always going to hate you. Until you stop needing the attention. You are a great scapegoat and a great target because you never defend yourself. You are very easy to target. I have criticized you up one end and down the other and it's wonderful. It's the most fulfilling thing in the world because you don't defend it. You don't fight it. You don't get angry. You just take it. And for people who don't like conflict such as myself, it's a beautiful thing. It's a win-win for people in the industry. They get to target you and get out their emotions. And you get stuff for your website and your book and makes you feel important. And in that puddle [porno], you are important."
Luke: "That's true. I had to go to the porn industry to find a place where I could be important."
Diana: "I would hope with your brilliance and writing skills that you would use it for good and not evil."
Luke: "Do you think lukeford.com is more a power for good or for evil?"
Diana: "It is an excuse. It is an excuse for you to have photographs of yourself and for you to have your name in print 467 million times. It is an excuse for you to have a forum where the whole world can speak about you. And every quote pertains to you in some way. I think it probably keeps you erect at the end of the day. You turn it on and there is all this stuff about you. You probably don't need the porno industry to ejaculate. You just look at your website."
Please Help My Brother
My sister E* sent me to the doctors (neurosurgeon, psychiatrist) this week along with the following notes:
Dear Dr C--,
Thank you for agreeing to examine my brother, Luke Ford.
I suspect that Luke's problem is of a psychiatric nature - a narcissistic personality disorder. However, the family is concerned that he might have suffered some damage in a motor vehicle accident in September 1985 when he was 19 years of age. His behaviour seemed to gradually become more unusual after that event. Luke however, says he was merely conforming to family values for the sake of harmony prior to then and has gradually revealed to us his true self as he has grown older. I enclose a series of photographs - the approximate dates of which are recorded on the back of each photo. To us, Luke's face seems to have changed - a more square jaw line which we thought might be indicative of a problem with the pituatary. Luke however says that he has merely put on weight in his face.
Please do not hesitate to call me should you wish to discuss any matter further. My work number is XXX. Please have your secretary render accounts to me at XXX...
Luke: My sister E* prepared this chronology of my life:
May 1966 - Luke was born the youngest of 3 children. I was 10 and my other brother 8.
April 1967 - our mother became ill with secondary bone cancer after having had a breast removed in 1963
May 1967 - November 1970 - Luke is cared for by a series of housekeepers, relatives and friends - sometimes hundreds of miles away from our mother and the rest of the family. During this period he also spent limited periods with our mother when she was home from hospital or receiving treatment in places where Luke could be cared for nearby. During this time my mother convinced my father that he would need to remarry and presented him with a short list of candidates one of whom was Gill, our stepmother. During the last 2 years of our mother's life Gill spent time with our mother and father and to a lesser extent the rest of us.
April 1970 - our mother died November 1970 - our father married Gill November 1970 the family moved to England where my father undertook a second Phd. I went to boarding school. Luke lived at home with my other brother.
Late 1972 - the family returned to live in Australia.
June 1977 - Gill, our father and Luke moved to live in California and have lived there ever since
1978 - 1979 - Luke completed 6 marathons - including the very hilly San Francisco marathon out of 8 attempted
June 1984 - Luke graduated from High School and came to Australia for a year to live with his brother Paul. Paul and myself didnt detect anything unusual about his behaviour - nor did our Aunt.
September 1985 - Luke had a car accident - hit the back of a stationary bus - seatbelt broke and he hit his head on the steering wheel - received 30 stitches but was not hospitalised.
March - May 1986 - Luke suffered from glandular fever
September 1987 - Luke stated a frantic schedule which included 21 hours per week of college classes, 20 -30 hours per week of paid gardening work plus body building workouts.
February 1988 - Luke awoke one morning with what felt like a bad flu. He felt ill for a year before he was diagnosed with CFS.
September 1988 - Luke went off to UCLA but was only able to finish one subject per quarter between then and June 1989
September 1989 - came to Brisbane and had various medical tests. Saw Dr Joan Lawrence who said he was normal. None of the other tests revealed any abnormality.
May 1990 - returned to California. An invalid until October 1993 when he started taking Nardil - which greatly helped - felt better overnight but still not back to himself. By March 1994 he felt 70% of normal health - stayed that way until July 1999 when he started improving further under a homeopath - taking snakes venom [vipera].
August 1993 - moved to Florida to live with a girlfriend. Moved to LA in April 1994 and has lived there ever since.
Luke: My stepmom wrote this for the docs:
Luke was born 1966 in NSW, Australia. His mother, Gwen, had had a breast removed 3 years prior to Luke's birth. When Luke was two months old, she began having pain in the ribs, which unbeknownst to her was caused by cancer which had metastasized to bone from the breast. She continued to breastfeed Luke and he had a great first ten months. She was given two weeks to live when Luke was ten months old and was taken out of the home for treatment to another state.
Luke was with his mother for some of the time (the rest of his family know those details better than me because I came on the scene later) but he was cared for by a number of mothers, maybe 7 or 8, in the next couple of years. He stayed for a while with his mother`s half-sister. She was going through a difficult menopause and in an unhappy marriage with a lot of shouting. Luke was used to a peaceful existence, and his brother Paul found him face down on the bed one day hiding his face (he was 18 months to 2 years old at the time). Photos at the time show him looking like a child from a prisoner of war camp (emotionally deprived). About age 3, he was particularly tied to one of the women who looked after him called XXX. She left because she felt Luke was too attached to her, but it was like losing another mother. Ivy was very strict with toilet training. When we married, I noticed Luke`s rectum would loop out of the anus. E* says it was from straining on the pot. That fixed itself as he grew older (we just pushed it back and finally it stayed).
Luke had bouts of frustration, for instance dumping his sister`s makeup and belongings on the floor one time (note by E* - I found him rubbing toothpastse, bootpolish and perfume etc into his hair/face etc so may just have been a normal baby thing) and food stuffs he found in the fridge on the floor another time, when he was about 3. He was away from home staying with a family in Victoria, Australia, for the year prior to his mother`s death (he was nearly 4 years old when she died). The lady where he stayed in the year before Gwen died (YYY) was very strict and when he sat for meals she had a ruler on the table and used to smack him on the hands to make him eat his vegetables. They also tried to get him out of diapers by restricting his drinking water from 4 p.m. and making him take a cold shower in the morning if he wet himself. But the husband in that home played with him a lot and was very kind.
He was nearly four when his father and I married. He came back home from Melbourne, was upset at the change and "wanted his sick mummy." Was very depressed, said he hated birds and flowers. At the time he remembered his real mother dimly; all he remembered on the surface was that she said she was kind and gave him scrambled egg. The family left immediately to fly to England. Luke was in diapers, but somewhere in that trip I told him one night it was hard for little boys to wake up in the night and get up and go to the toilet. He was dry the next morning and never wore another diaper. Great mind over matter!
I gave him lots of attention, read to him for hours because he loved it. He was very jealous of his father and repeatedly said he wouldn`t mind if daddy died! Stuck to me like lint. I was working helping his father with his Ph.D, and Luke would come between us and try to part us. He came up to me one day and said, I`m a lucky boy. Most children only have one mother, but I`ve had lots. But I don`t want any more.
Luke and I had a close relationship and in some ways I was pretty easy going with him in that I put no demands on him re: food. I gave him things he liked that were good for him, and I didn`t force him to eat what he didn`t like. My downfall was that I had bad PMS after going off the birth control pill and half the month I was normal and the other half I was out to lunch. Very irritable and unreasonable. The changeability was hard on all, including Luke. He used to sense when I was going downhill and would bait me, and usually got a hiding once a month. He was always a very smart, intuitive child with understanding beyond his years, and great company because he loved to chat and could understand abstract reasoning while very young.
When we had been married for about six months and I had to go into hospital, I told him about it but in a very lighthearted way. He became extremely upset on finding out I was going into hospital. He cried for hours and said he hated those doctors for putting me in hospital, and it was punctuated by sobs. I put him to bed to cry himself out. I found him three hours later still sobbing. When I came out of hospital alive, it was very therapeutic. I had to go into hospital a couple of more times in the next couple of years and he was bothered less and less. Didn`t notice the last time.
There was an episode when we were living in Manchester when he was out playing with kids and throwing dog manure at other kids. They threw some at him and he went berserk, red in the face. My husband thought that was terrible, but I don`t think that was a big deal. Who wouldn`t be angry after what had happened to him?
When the children`s mother died, she had been dearly beloved and it was a terrible loss. She knew Des and I were going to marry; he asked her about it before he talked to me (it was clear she was terminally ill a long time before she died). We had a lot of time together before she died, and she encouraged me to take care of Luke (he was then about 2.5 to 3) while she was alive, so he was familiar with me (that`s when he went away for about a year before Gwen died). The older children were not in on this marriage plan, and E* heard via gossip that I was after her father (it wasn`t true). She built up a great hostility towards me at that time that was understandable, but it never really went away.
Luke`s mother`s illness with cancer was horrible (she had constant exquisite pain, nausea and vomiting, and emaciation for 4 years after Luke born (was 60 lbs most of that time). She was ready to die, but her sister, the children`s aunt, felt she didn`t prepare the children for the loss (I don`t know whether that`s possible). When she died, it was sudden even though anticipated for a long time. I was away with the two older kids and handled telling them about their mother`s death very badly. Needless to say we got off to a bad start. All the adults were na‹ve. I had no life skills or experience to jump into a family suffering like this. I always felt the kids weren`t allowed to grieve. Their dad is big on acting right however you feel and tends to put a wall up to cover his feelings; is pretty mechanistic. Luke was affected by all this anger.
Though at times, he looked depressed as a child, most of the time he was the opposite. He seemed fine, perennially cheerful. He wasn`t a discipline problem. He wasn`t moody. In his teens, he came in and out like a door on a hinge. The expectations of behavior in the family were always understood even if not expressed. The ideals were impossibly high. Feelings were swallowed as unimportant. But he was a treated with great kindness.
When Luke got sick, as with the chickenpox which he had twice (once about age 7, once in his 20s with CFIDs, he would be REALLY sick. When he got the measles, he vomited and became dehydrated. He had more colds than the other kids who were never sick. He wasn`t used to eating sugar. On birthday parties, if I gave him treats with sugar in them, he would end up bringing them up. So a weak stomach.
The two boys found their father (a high achiever who was well known in their little world) a hard act to follow. Luke had the same interests as his dad but had trouble finding his own identity as an adult, especially after he became sick and could not fulflil his ambitions.
As a young teenager, he did not appear to see this as a problem. He said dad is one person, I am another. He knew exactly what he wanted to do and had his life planned out from the onset of high school. He planned every class of every year and knew he wanted to do journalism and economics and knew where he would do his college work and postgraduate work. He planned to go to London School of Economics. He was well liked though often considered a pain in the neck by his peers. As a journalist on the High School paper, he loved to stir and the football team threw him in a garbage can. You get the idea.
At age 12, Luke was small and thin. He seemed to go through puberty at age 15 and then grew to over 6 feet. He was gauche with girls, needled and teased them and annoyed them. He first showed signs of having extreme behavior at 12 when he began running 14 miles a day and then running marathons. I think from age 12 to 14, he finished 6 marathons, including the San Francisco marathon which is all hills! We never encouraged this running, but there was no stopping him. Luke always ran his own ship. He stopped, I think, because he got growing pains in his legs.
Luke will tell you when he had his car accident, I think it was in his early 20s, but it may have been as early as age 18 (Luke says he was 19 years old). He had been to Australia before that and his brother Paul said he was a perfectly normal adolescent then. The second time he went over to Australia (after the car accident), the family thought he was mentally ill). There was an incident when he was staying with his brother when he got sick of his brother`s dog barking at night. He took it and dropped it off a bridge, went down to the water and couldn`t find it. Then he went to a park, and next thing the dog trotted up to him with a pork chop in his mouth! My husband Des he knows this happened because the dog used to walk everywhere with him (Des) when he was there, but it wouldn`t approach that bridge! This event was shocking to me. Luke was extremely competitive and a sore loser at times. The family thought this was extreme.
The car accident happened when he was driving his VW bug near our house. He was blinded by the sun and hit a school bus from behind (they are yellow). The seat belt broke and he hit his head on the dash board. He was taken by ambulance to the emergency room and had 30 stitches to close the scar, which was right between the eyebrows.
I may have the timing wrong, but can only go by memory. The compulsive behavior that began with the marathon running seemed to worsen with the bang on the head. Luke did 21 hours p.w. at college (over a full load), worked up to 100 hours a week doing heavy laboring work (in the summer here it gets up to about 106ø F, over 40 Celsius). And came home and would do 100 pull ups and 1,000 push ups. He developed a magnificent physique. But he seemed unable to stop. Later made me feel he was like an out of control tank. Sort of manic. There was no giving him advice. He was impervious. I never had a chance to be a controlling mother. I felt he had the high energy (physical, nervous) of his father, but not the balance wheel.
I believe maybe about six months later, Luke got mononucleosis. His father and I were in Australia at the time on vacation, and he kept going to school, but went to bed early and slept a lot. Chernobyl was somewhere in there too. After that, he started getting the flu frequently (3 times a year, maybe more). It gradually descended into having CFIDs. He went to UCLA but was only able to do one subject a semester. He stayed there for one or two years. During those years, he went from being an atheist, to a Marxist, to a Jew. He became fascinated with Dennis Prager who is a Jew and who has the biggest radio show in Southern California. Dennis became his hero and he used to spend a lot of time at UCLA debating with Dennis over the phone on the radio. Dennis won the arguments and Luke converted. He became fascinated with Judaism and over the years became more knowledgeable than most Jews. Jewish friends urged him to become a rabbi.
During the CFIDS years, he spent about 8 years altogether doing very little but lying on the deck. Three of those years, after UCLA, he was at home. He was brave through the sickness but to me, it ruined his ambitions. He was so disciplined and had his life planned out, and it was ruined.
The fevered dreams he had during the CFS years said it all. He had violent dreams about snakes. As an example of one he told me, he was standing in line at admission at UCLA and he was given a snake sandwich to eat (he was a vegetarian all his life at that point). The snake was dead meat in the sandwich but came to life as he ate it. The dreams all ended the same. He fought the snakes, but always ended up overwhelming him and killing him however hard he fought. At night his eyes were unnaturally bright, he seem consumed with fever, though he had not temperature (low as in a virus). He said he felt fine while lying down. It was when he got up.
In Australia, (his second trip), he had an endocrinology work up and they were looking for hypothalamic failure; similar to a girl with anorexia, though he ate like a horse. An endocrinologist over here felt the same thing (CCC). He advised us to have him committed, and Luke fired him as a physician. The endocrinologist I work with felt Luke could have had a stalk resection from the car accident.
While Luke was at home, he became what seemed to us eccentric. He wore tefillin and had his hair uncut as a Hasidim (strict Jewish sect). He seemed to lose his sense of boundaries, his ideas of what was appropriate and what wasn`t. At one point, he did a Jewish conversion and wanted to do the strict Hasid one. He wouldn`t cut his hair. He would only hug me or his sister if she came to visit. Wouldn`t shake hands with my friends, couldn`t touch other women. You would see him hug trees. The next door neighbor thought Luke was mentally ill because of the way he talked and behaved around him. It seemed to me that when Luke went on Zoloft (my suggestion to a doctor neighbor), he suddenly became sexually manic. He put adverts in the Jewish single papers and a host (60 almost immediately) of professional Jewish women began to call and visit him. My neighbor and I were amazed that they couldn`t see that Luke had a problem.
As an example of the sort of bizarre thing he did (there are many, but I don`t have time to tell them), he had one girlfriend in the Bay Area who visited him a couple of times. He had another in Florida. He used to get on the phone and talk to her about sex. He, we found out later, was having sex with girl #` and then the following weekend #2 came up and he had sex with her and put her on the phone with #`. Also tried to get in me on his cunning plots to toy with these women. This was after being unable to touch women at all!
He left home with #2 and lived with her in Florida for a while. He sent transcripts of his sexual exploits and intimate conversations with her to a number of our friends. He looked mentally sick at the time. In Florida, he went on Nardil and said it was the only thing that ever helped him, but it didn`t stop this type of strange behavior.
Another time when he was home, he had written a letter to a church publication. He talked about his father and presented his father`s views in a way that agreed with his father`s enemies (politics in the church). It was a very subtle letter in which Luke seemed to deliberately use words that meant a certain thing to his audience and he skewed the meaning to make his father look bad. When I faced him with this, he gave the most insane laugh. That was the first time I had heard it.
Now Luke uses that voice all the time and giggles this same type of insane laugh when on the phone with me. He says he has more than one personality. His counselor calls this character Hee hee. I know this sounds bizarre, but I`m just reporting what I see.
The thing I am trying to say, is I have seen Luke in consult with physicians, and he sounds so mature, intelligent, so honest about his defects. But there is a part of him that is really off the wall. And it is like an evil two year old trying to cause mischief. Intelligent friends of Luke`s and ours have noted similar things. Many people have noted that Luke is attacking his father. He went into Judaism, a religion that is very stringent to outdo his dad in doing. But people also believe he doesn`t have an real belief in Judaism. He has been excommunicated from one synagogue in Los Angeles for abusing their women and taking advantage of their hospitality.
Luke seems obsessive, compulsive, manic, to have a double identity at times. But the best "label" is narcissism. He fits it very well. His hero Dennis is an extension of his personality. Dennis has threatened to sue Luke for stalking him and for putting stuff about his son on his website. Dennis has written to Luke and told him he is either sick or evil. Luke has his biography on the website and also sections on what Luke`s friends think of Luke.
Luke has his own website which we think is sick. It is supposed to be fighting pornography but has photos of porn stars, some at events where they are clothed, but others are very crude, naked, legs wide open, etc. Any child can get into his site and see this stuff. Also a photo where he had what looks like a penis in his mouth (I think it`s fake). Claims to be homosexual. I don`t THINK he is, he tells his brother it`s a joke. Pictures of him with a gun which he has bought because people get so mad at him they hit him. Wherever he goes he is under threat. He is in litigation for slander by several people and cannot win because he lied on the website.
I am sending you an opinion by someone who calls himself Luken. I have corresponded with him. He uses the name lukeford because he wants to be anonymous. Sorry, I have to go because I haven`t packed and it`s nearly 11p.m. and I have to leave at 6:00 a.m. for Australia. This is disjointed, but it may give you an idea. Regards, Gill Ford
Luke: Here is the note from Luken I took to my docs:
Luken writes: I think it might help you and your site to clarify your personal and professional identity for your reading public. I first saw you on Foxfiles and assumed you were a legit journalist and anti-porn.
Reality check: Are you a porn historian? Yes, since you wrote History of X.
Are you a journalist? No, since you make up your stories, do not verify sources,and do not profess any journalistic standards(do you?)
Are you a porn journalist? No, you are not a journalist of any variety. See the above.
Are you a business news reporter? No, you are completely unreliable and have no standing as a journalist, period.
Are you a tabloid journalist? Yes.
Are you a gossip columnist? Yes.
Are you a porn trivia expert? Yes, and always glad to field a porn trivia question.
Are you a pornographer? Yes, by any definition you like. You distribute pornography via your website and mailing list. Any thinking adult clicking on your site immediately realizes you are a pornographer, especially now thanks to your newly prominent banner advertising. [Luke: I do not have a mailing list.]
Are you a credible source? In no way and in no industry, porn or otherwise.
Are you a pathological liar? Yes.
Do you have any feelings? None that are discernible in your writing. Your pat reply (see Rolling Stones interview) is "I do not care," when asked about issues that would curdle anyone else's blood.
Anyone posting on your site should recognize the real reason you post their material is that you do not care. Controversy is your only standard.
How can anyone be a writer without feelings? They can fool people, and write insignificant verbage, or make it up as they go along to make it interesting.
What is your specialty, what is it that you are best at? The people of the porn industry, and specifically your specialty is gossip, again, not news of any variety.
Did it ever cross your mind, Luke, that someone set you up on XXX, realizing full well you would publish it without verification, unable to resist a chance at a story? It's obvious to anyone reading your site that you are a sitting duck for this sort of setup. Just send it to Luke, and he'll publish it regardless of any damage done to any individual's reputation...he truly does not care.
You might check with a specialist at the University of California to see if you genuinely suffered frontal lobe damage. The book Descarte's Error, by Antonio Damasio, a neurologist, is all about a man who suffered frontal lobe damage. Check it out!
I'd also like to comment on the 2 phrases you use that drive me craziest: I do not care.......means I have no feelings. I do it for the money....means there is no other feeling reason to do or justify anything in your empty life, brother. Do me a favor and whenever you catch yourself saying "I do not care" say "I have no feelings" instead. Same thing for "I do it for the money"...."I have no life." Try it till you understand what you're trying to tell yourself.
And when was the last time you contacted your mom and dad? How about doing so while they're still around. Make a script of questions prior to each call asking about THEM , so you don't forget to. [Luke: I call home about once a week.]
I strongly suggest you get that frontal lobe checked out at a neurology clinic. Again, you can be referred by Univ of CA. If nothing else, it may put you on to the reality that you may be suffering from an emotions deficit, a hallmark of frontal lobes damage. The people who write to you might also examine their consciences and egos.... Good luck in life, Luke!
Alan Watts aka Luken aka Andy Griffith writes Luke Wednesday: I'd like to tell Luke's family what he did. Your son had the joking audacity to write me and say "Thanks for all this"! As if to say "Thanks for the fine mess I'm in"!
As your family well knows, Luke, this may be their one and only chance to ever confront you and impress on you what soulful agony and human suffering you are inflicting on them by your totally thoughtless, pretentious, absolutely unnecessary, selfishly willful choice to remain in porn despite the real-life everyday consequences and pain for each of them which you can now so plainly see right before your eyes!
Luke, look at your family and, in these remaining days, face the sheer amount of human pain you are inflicting on each of your parents and family members. Can you see it?
CAN YOU TRY TO SEE IT FOR WHAT IT IS AND ACCEPT PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY FOR INFLICTING SO MUCH PAIN? THEIR PAIN, THEIR SUFFERING, IS REAL, LUKE.
Ask yourself: IS YOUR LIFESTYLE IN PORNOGRAPHY WORTH THIS MUCH PAIN?
You must accept FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR CHOICES, INCLUDING THE HUMAN PAIN YOU ARE INFLICTING ON YOUR PARENTS AND FAMILY MEMBERS. THEIR PAIN MUST BE FACTORED INTO YOUR DECISIONS ABOUT YOUR CAREER IN PORN.
THIS IS REAL PAIN, LUKE, NOT A CARTOON, NOT A CARICATURE, NOT A SATIRE: REAL HUMAN SUFFERING RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE! ARE YOU BLIND, OR CAN YOU SEE THEIR PAIN AND ACCEPT THAT THIS PAIN GOES ALONG WITH YOUR CHOICE TO REMAIN IN PORN? IS PORN WITH INFLICTING THIS MUCH PAIN ON YOUR FAMILY, LUKE?!!!
Get over yourself, man, and see the very real cost which is being exacted in human suffering each of your remaining days with your family. You say you are interested in humanity, Judaism, etc, and you overlook the UNBELIEVABLE COST YOU ARE PERSONALLY INFLICTING IN HUMAN SUFFERING ON YOUR OWN LOVED ONES.
When you get back to homebase, are you going to write off your family's deep agony as nothing more than a sick joke? I hope not.
If there's a moral or ethical bone in your body you should take their agony into account in deciding whether you even continue in porn. You started as a writer, and now you're just a porn attention addict. Everyone can see it, you can see it, but what you don't see is the huge, unacceptable amount of DAILY HUMAN SUFFERING your family endures because of your silly "career" choice to be in porn.
YOU'RE RIPPING THEIR HEARTS OUT, YOU BASTARD! TRY TO FEEL SOMETHING FOR THEIR AGONY IF YOU CAN!
No, Luke, you cannot be in porn if it causes them so much pain. You must leave porn, and make a choice that doesn't make VICTIMS of your mom, dad, and the rest of your family members, who love you, and so desperately just want to get through to you in whatever way they possibly can. You are destroying their lives!
Come on, Luke, you know I'm right, leave porn and find another way to make a buck that doesn't hurt your family so terribly. They are the ONLY people in this world who truly care about you and what happens to you, the rest of the world doesn't give a damn, and why should they?
Luke Gets Mail
Goddess writes: Luke, do yourself and your readers a favor. Next time you go on vacation, go to DisneyWorld. I'd much rather hear about your experiences in "It's a Small World" than the "It's An Insane World" ride that you're on right now.
Rob writes Luke: Please tell me your entire month's "vacation" is not going to be consumed with medical / psychological tests. This trip so far has not seemed to do much to rejuvenate you, in fact, the opposite seems to have occurred. I can understand your parents' concern and, truth be told, I am more than a little envious of their sincere, loving efforts to help you. However, after all the tests are run and analyzed the bottom line still comes down to the individual. Are you truly happy with the life you lead? Take some time alone to reflect on this tricky question and I am confident you will find your answer.
Alan Watts writes: I'm glad to hear the news that you are reading books and thinking about yourself while you do so, Hee-hee.
By the way, the most remarkable thing happened today, which I must tell you about. I actually got the opportunity to talk to Larry Flynt since my last e-mail to you. Really a nice guy, Larry, makes a nice appearance on camera. Got to ask him if he's a pornographer. Said no, he's in the publishing business.
This made me think you two might have a lot in common. Since you have become very open about personal issues and such of late, how about publishing your contractual agreement with FANTASTIConline on your site? It would be a very nervy thing to do. Shows some balls. Where is the money coming from, anyway?
Since your advertisers are exclusively XXX, is there a possible connection here, remotely perhaps, to pornography? Is it possible in some twisted way that the connection between pornography and dollars taints you a bit, and makes you a pornographer? Why can't you admit as much? Can you at least articulate for me and the nice people in the audience specifically what you think you have to lose by saying those four damning words, "I AM A PORNOGRAPHER."
Well, Luke, do you dare, or are you really just a scaredy cat, as I believe? So far, Luke, the most stunning revelation has been that you stalked Dennis Prager to the point of being threatened with an injunction, and that you were also obsessed with his son. Pretty shocking stuff, Luke! (I'll be damned, you still have some surprises for us, don't you, my boy?) [See www.dennisprager.net]
So now we can all go back to pretending you are normal but disturbed, and continue playing our silly little web games as always...RIGHT!!!! I'M OUTTA HERE!!! GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME YOU DAMNED STALKER!!! OR I'LL CALL THE POLICE!!!! (Why you are one sick fucker after all, aren't you?)
You ARE an ass, Luke, and a very entertaining one at that. Just keep doing what you are best at...BEING AN ASS, and the whole world will follow along to your psycho-nut tune. And OK, OK, I even give you my permission to be FAMOUS, since it's obviously such a big damned deal to you.
DoneDone writes: Luke- What the fuck is all this psycho talk about you? Therapy? Shock Treatment? Cmon guy, get over it. The bottom line is you like attention. But the fact of the matter is, you are smart enough to get over whatever it is that is fucking with you. Enjoy the sun and blow off the therapy sessions. You are in Australia for god sakes, not Bellevue.
Peter Hayes Puts His Oar In
British journalist Peter Hayes writes: The last couple of days I have read a lot about the life and times of Luke Ford and his curious - and sometimes schizophrenic - life so far. As it is open season let me have my say.
For a start Luke is an inexperienced journalist. This shows in a lot of his work. The recent farce over adult check not excepting credit cards was a typical example. Why not pick up a phone and confirm the story? That is what any self respecting journalist would have done - but not Luke, he waits for the company to write in and tell him the story is false. This is piss poor journalism - nothing less.
How many independent people has Luke written for? I am waiting to find out. OK he has written a book that was generally too big for a first time writer. But my guess is that Luke’s C.V. is shallow - has he been out in the field in Brazil, Germany or Holland (as I have) trying to keep editors at home happy?
By inexperienced I don’t mean that he cannot write, only that he has not written enough for third-parties. His work has not gone through the editing mill enough. He lacks the ability to break a difficult story down and often fails to develop a narrative at all. He also has no moral credibility. He publishes pictures of girls engaging in sexual (in close up) and then pretends to be a critic of industry!
(How clear and obvious an example of hypocrisy can you get!!!)
Luke is a floating moralist, because he wants to get the best angle for any story. Promoting one minute (even casting call details!) and a critic the next. Depends on what side of the bed he gets out of or what he has eaten last night. Luke may think this constitutes a feature.
By putting down moral roots Luke is restricted. If this column was called PeterHayes.com rather than Lukeford.com I would have no actual sex shots. I would say, look this is reporting, I am not here to give people their jollies. You can go elsewhere for that. However the column would have less hits and I would get less money from the sponsors.
Sure we are all hypocrites now and again - however I don’t celebrate mine. However to defend myself (and probably Luke Ford) I am not a paying consumer - I don’t buy porn videos., porn magazines or subscribe to porn TV channels. The industry is built on people that do.
Luke Ford is pro porn that is end of the story. I am not pro porn, I am a journalist who has an interest in sexual politics. The industry is just that - an industry and while it occasionally throws up interesting people and politics, a lot of the time it just a production line with sex as the end product.
Often this column is called Luke Ford but contains no Luke Ford writing. It is a clip and paste job of other people work. There are stories out there, but how much work is Luke prepared to do? What did LF write about Lolo Ferrari? Nothing. He clipped from Reuters (and Gene Ross) and called it a day.
People say that Luke should quit writing about the industry. I disagree. He should try to get better at what he does and become a better writer. He should develop consistency and do more research. I don’t think Luke is a bad person, far from it, he comes across as quite nice person on TV, but he is a man alone with a rudderless column that reflects his confusion, whims, lust and mood.
Alan Watts writes: Allow me to thank British journalist Peter Hayes for extending himself on your site and making some frank journalistic and personal assessments about Luke yesterday. He knew there was no payoff in it for him, no possibility of ever getting anything back from any of us in return, and yet he went out on a professional limb nonetheless and tried to talk sense to Luke.
Peter Hayes, you are a true hero, one of the few/only we'll ever see here on Lukeford.com. It was awesome to have you step in like that and bring some genuine professionalism, realism and sanity to all the smoke and mirrors that are a regular feature on this site.
Luke Lacks Self Identity
I spent three hours Tuesday morning with a psychiatirst who reported back to my sister the following. These are E*'s notes from her conversation with Dr. R. Incidentally, what Dr. R. says makes sense to me:
Luke is not suffering the effects of a head injury.
Applying the DSMIV, he has a personality disorder of the histrionic/narcissistic type.
Luke is very dependent upon other people for his identity as a person.
He has poor identity integration and poor self esteem. Accordingly, Luke is always looking for mirroring - it's called "narcissistic supply." That is to say that Luke is always looking for external validation of himself as a person (i.e., he needs other people to tell him who he is). However, because it is not possible for people to mirror him all the time, he gets disappointed and this can turn to envy. Luke may not be conscious of the fact that he is very envious of his family as they seem to have things he would like to have but does not have. This leads to him fluctuating between, on the one hand, devaluing people such as the family (putting them down) and on the other, idealisation of people - such as Dennis Prager.
Luke tends to make unreasonable demands of people who are eventually driven to setting limits on him. Luke takes this very badly.
Luke needs five to ten years of insight orientation psychotherapy. It was the falling out with Dennis Prager which caused him to go to therapy. While Luke has a lot of therapy 'speak', he may not really understand the concepts involved. Luke's therapist did well to keep him in therapy for 15 months - that is unusual for someone with Luke's condition as such people often leave off therapy when it becomes too confronting. Luke will not continue therapy that is confrontational, particularly in the early stages.
Luke will continue to do what he is doing to satisfy his needs until such times as the rewards (reinforcement) are outweighed by the negative effects of same (punishment). Then he may do something about getting his life on track and getting therapy or going back to finish his degree (which would give him some self-esteem).
The negative effects of his current behavior are that no one will have a long term relationship with him as no matter how sane they are, people cannot live without getting something back - and Luke is always taking in without giving anything back. Second, any decent woman who looked at his website would be immediately repulsed.
Luke has a complicated personality. He has mood instability - perhaps mild cyclothymia. His personality type is prone to this.
Luke become very focused on one thing then, when he is not getting the desired rewards, he drops it and moves on.
Luke may have had some post viral illness but then the illness took on a life of its own. It is common for people to retreat into the sick role because it is a way of failing in a face-saving way. Luke was failing because of the lack of significant relationships in his life.
Luke in his current state would not be successful in employment.
He wants immediate results and if he does not get them, then he does not want a bar of it.
He does not have a bipolar condition. His reaction to Nardil was purely psychological as that drug does not work overnight. The same with the homeopathic treatment - one pill does not make any noticeable difference.
Epilim is a good mood stabilizer - better than Lithium - does not have the nasty side effects. But Luke is unlikely to remain on such medication and anyway it is only tinkering with the fringes of the problem.
As with most adolescent boys, Luke was obsessed with sex.
As with most super egos - it is not well integrated. His rules are situational and he justifies things.
Luke is capable of being exploitive.
Luke is reacting to the values of his family unit.
He is not really interested in what Dr. R. thinks of him. He is only here to enjoy the trip. There is no point him seeing Dr. R. on occasion before his return as it is long-term therapy he needs.
We [Luke's family] have to have a firm boundary of where we go in his life. We should stay off his website - what we don't know won't hurt us. We should set limits on his unreasonable behavior. We must treat him as an adult that he is and stop babying him.
Luke has tunnel vision and difficulty seeing things as others see it. He is only looking for mirroring.
He has demonstrated the capacity to at times, not put his immediate gratification ahead of everything, i.e., taking his rabbi/synagogue off his website when requested. He respected those involved and did not want to lose a relationship with them. So he has the capacity to learn from his experiences.
Luke has a poor sense of identity - he is not well integrated - he has no sense of self - therefore he is very changeable in different circumstances.
The cause of his personality disorder is multi-factorial - the development of personality is a long process - it onvolves experiences, family environment as well as choices made by a person during the formative years. Personality disorders are not diagnosable until after age 18 because the personality is not developed before then.
Luke Gets An EEG, MRI Monday
Luke: I had my first EEG test Thursday afternoon. The nurse lady rubbed ointment on my head, and then put rubber spiderlike wires over my head to measure my brainwaves. She fastened the web and told me to close my eyes. Then every minute or twok, when she asked, I opened them briefly. Then I had to take deep breaths in and out. Then, with my eyes closed, a light was flashed at me rapidly. On Monday, I go in for an MRI of my head. After that I may head up to Tannum Sands, in central Queensland, to see my brother, his Japanese wife and their two girls who I've never met.
I've read several books while here. John Updike's "Rabbit At Rest." Typically Updike depressing, but fine writing. My Brilliant Career. Picnic at Hanging Rock. Primary Colors. Now I am halfway through Thomas Kenneally's "Schindler's List."
I spend lots of time walking around central Brisbane but no stranger, aside from at shul, has said more than five words to me. Some spunky sheilas (good looking chicks) walk around but I have not gotten it up to approach them.
I enjoy being back home in Australia. My first time in ten years. But I am not excited. I rarely get excited about anything anymore. I have only wanked myself twice since my arrival. The thrill has gone.
I've called my childhood friends who live in Sydney and Cooranbong and that was fine, but I couldn't be bothered flying down to see them. I don't want to spend the money. And I am tired, and want to stay close to what is safe and familiar. The thrill is gone. Only exceptions - sexual drive which flares up at times, and my commitment to God and Judaism, which flares up at different times.
I'm reading Schindler's List and I'm wondering what I would do if I was in Europe in 1940. Would I deny Judaism to save my life? You bet I would. Would I risk my life to save others, like Schindler or Raoul Wallenberg? I'm not sure.
I'm not the strongest moral figure. I cheated my way through my high school science classes, particularly chemistry. I even cheated a few times in my community college Trigonometry class. I failed it in high school, so I figured I was just cheating like old times. Then I fudged a few times on my taxes.
Like the shrink said, I'm exploitive. I take and take from people, particulary females. Then I dump them.
I tend to a situational view of ethics, rather than the apodictic absolute code of the Ten Commandments. I justify and rationalize when I break ethical rules.
I am highly insecure with no sense of self. Because of my insecurity, I frequently lash out at others. I devalue them or idealise them.
The shrink says that I need five to ten years of therapy. At about $70 a session, two sessions a week, that is lots of money.
I'm tired and my nose runs and my throat is raspy. My muscles are sore. My sister lives in a four level apartment. My moral muscles are flabby. My tummy is fat and expanding. My energy is low.
I'm settling in life, focusing on survival. I take naps in the middle of the day, and wake up in a fog, feeling the years float by.
And my Aussie psychiatrist writes: Mr. Ford completed the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory (MMPI-2). This is a well researched psychometric instrument that is designed to assess current psychopathology and personality functioning....
...Mr. Ford endorsed itmes which resulted in elevations on three of the clinical scales... He endorsed items suggesting that he views his home situation as unpleasant and lacking in love, support and understanding. Individuals who endorse such items tend to complain that their family are critical and controlling. He did not, however, endorse items suggesting that he feels particularly alienated from his family. He endorsed items suggesting that he appraises himself unrealistically and individuals who endorsee such items tend to be prone to grandiose thinking and they are usually resentful of the demands made by others. He also endorsed some items relating to overactive thought processes, and individuals who endorse such items tend to be restless and excited. They often commplain of being bored and they tend to seek out excitement. He endorsed items relating to unusual thoughts, but he did not endorse items relating to bizarre perceptual disturbance. He endorsed items suggesting that he has, in may respects, conventional attitudes to antisocial behavior, although he may seek to shock others. He did not endorse items relating to marked anger or irritability, anxiety, fears or phobias, or depression. He endorsed items, however, suggesting that he may be prone to some self-deprecatory thinking. He endorsed positive attitudes towards treatment and work. He did not endorse items relating to alcohol or drug use.
Overall, his pattern of responding indicated that he was not reporting marked psychological distress and that he regards himself as having some resources to deal with any problems that he does encounter. This pattern of responding was reasonably consistent with his presentation at interview.
By Luke Ford Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three Chapter Four Chapter Five Chapter Six Chapter Seven Chapter Seven B Chapter Eight Chapter Nine Chapter Ten Chapter Eleven Chapter Twelve 1994-1997 1997 1998 1998B 1999 2000 2001 2009