Luke Ford's Autobiography


By Luke Ford Chapter Two  Chapter Three  Chapter Four Chapter Five  Chapter Six   Chapter Seven  Chapter Seven B  Chapter Eight   Chapter Nine  Chapter Ten  Chapter Eleven  Chapter Twelve 1994-1997 1997  1998 1998B 1999 2000 2001 2009

Luke's Trip To Israel July 1-15th, 2000

I write on the plane on my way to Israel:

You can go your own way. You can call it another lonely day... Go your own way. Or you can go God's way.

It's 4AM, and we're flying over North Eastern Canada, 5700 miles away from our destination in Tel Aviv. I'm sick. I'm feverish. And my conscience is bothering me.

I'm surrounded by single Jewish females and some of them like me. May even want me, or at least, may not resist me.

I've been thinking about joining the Mile High Club. Some temporary fleeting pleasure would make my body and soul feel good. It would restore my feeling of potency and desirability, move me on from my introspection, sniffles and sadness.

I feel disgusted with myself. Up here in the heavens, flying El Al (the Israeli airline), I feel closer to God. And His presence pierces me. I am crucified.

But I can go my own way. I can call it another lonely day... Or I can turn my life around.

During the early '90s, in the years leading up to and from my conversion to Judaism, I determined that I would not hurt people needlessly. For instance, I would not pass on gratuitous negative information about persons. I would not gossip. Even if the gossip did not return to hurt the objects of my gossip, it would smudge my soul. Now that I'd heard the call of God and His Moral Law, I'd strive to live my life in accordance with that call.

My first fall from this newfound sense of grace, came with women.

I moved from a resolve to not cause others needless pain to an attitude of consensual morality. Whatever people consented to in their dealings with me, I would push to my advantage. This quickly led to a morality of feeling - if I felt what I was doing was ok, then it was ok.

That's a far cry from my earlier enthusiasm to follow the dictates of an external transccendent moral code (as spelled out in the Torah and Jewish Law). I once led my life by Torah Law. Now Torah has a vote but not a veto on my behavior.

I know many people with a similar approach, and they seem to lead moral lives. Atheist porner Jim Gunn is a far more moral man than me.

But I am slovenly and self deceived. Unless I hear the call of God and His moral law, I tend to do what is easiest. And this has led me to where I am today - pitchforking people off the porno truck and tossing them into another truck, where bleeding, they're carried away to oblivion.

I am not directly involved in the flesh trade. Rather I work in the soul trade.

I find out the soul secrets of porners and others and reveal them to the world, causing oceans of pain. I no longer care if my work hurts an innocent person, because I don't think of porners as innocent. Rather, I feel like divine karma.

I'm just giving them what they deserve. I'm letting them reap what they sew. I help along God's plan, assist divine justice. I spear porners on my pitchfork and twirl them bloody into the air and on to the truck leading to Hell.

It's no wonder that many religious Jews will have nothing to do with me once they know what I am really like. My life mocks the Torah and Jewish Law. I am an anathema to decency. My self control is so low that when my penis stands up, my weak conscience leaves quickly. Porn is no place for the morally weak but mainly the morally weak come here.

I came to porn because I like to play in the dirt. I like to play with my penis. I like to play with my fantasies. I like to play with people's minds and souls and lives and fuck them in many different ways.

Perhaps I should stay where I am, in porno, and make a moral stand. Concentrate on those writings that uplift people and fight evil. Minimize the content that wrecks lives and does no good.

But I have little moral discipline. And porn inherently diminishes the human being. It toughens and enlarges our calloused hearts. God promises to replace our hearts of stone with hearts of flesh. We must meet Him part way. We must turn aside from doing evil and do good.

Dear reader, do you realize what working around pornography does to the soul? It hardens me and makes me less feeling towards others.

I am staying in Israel. I won't come back. What is there to come back to? I lost my most valuable friends when I started smearing the good name of Dennis Prager.

I've lived in Los Angeles over six years but have developed little in the way of religious community and a support system. The people I most want to get close to are beyond my grasp while I persist in my wicked ways. I will stay in Jerusalem and enter yeshiva. I will cleave to the Torah.

Strong Torah Jews should live in the world, at times, and witness to God. I am too weak to make it morally in the real world.

I heard Dennis Prager say on the radio Friday that when you have sex outside of emotional intimacy, it makes emotional intimacy more difficult. Uncommitted sex makes achieving intimacy with another human being more difficult.

I make a nice living providing salacious details of the lives of porn actresses. I basically take a cut from whoredom. And I've become callous. I almost never think before publishing, oh, this might hurt somebody. I just think - they deserve it. They're public figures. They're putting themselves out there in the most extreme manner and are asking for it.

I am Luke, God's helper. I help deliver divine karma.

Beware The Jerusalem Syndrome

Lord Peter Luther Christian writes: Dear Luke:

You are on a voyage of self-discovery, seeking to separate your feelings towards your father from your natural, instinctive desire to return to the warm, nurturing bosom of your Father Jesus Christ. Do not confuse the two, and you will be well on your way to redemption from the hell of pornography that your hegira in Judaism (if I may be permitted the use of that word - it is, after all, levantine in origin!) has thus far failed to rescue you from.

But there is one immediate peril, one snare above all others that Satan has set before you, as he has set it before many a seeker. It is known as the Jerusalem Syndrome, the tendency of pilgrims to Jerusalem to come to believe upon entry into that special city that they are the personal tools of God, subject to direction by divine revelation. Some of these poor souls actually come to believe that they are Christ Himself, returned to earth to redeem the sinners! Yes, Jerusalem is a spiritually potent city, but do not let the emptiness within be filled by Satan's chimeras of deception. You are still Luke Ford, a man like all others, and in need of Christ's love.

Yours in Christian Love,

Lord Peter Luther Christian, OBE

A Page From Luke's Travel Journal

Dear Diary, I had so dearly hoped that the holiness of my biblical surroundings coupled with the purity of my fellow Jewish pilgrims would help wash the foul stench of pornography off of me. Instead the opposite seems to have occurred. The filthy decadence of my illicit occupation seems to have contaminated my Jewish singles group with wanton lust. Last night I stumbled into the women's Talmudic study group by accident and I nearly turned into a pillar of salt! After that I dared not venture into the men's Bible discussion group and so I went to bed early.

Dear Diary, I find myself 10,000 miles away from the Porn Valley and yet still I am haunted by my morally wretched profession. Even in the peaceful serenity and spiritual solitude of the Israeli desert where Moses once walked I find myself continually reminded of the vulgarity and filth that comprises my pornographic world. When will this torture cease? God, I wish I had my gun.

Luke Ford Consumed By Biblical Serpent In Israel

Attention herpetologists! Porn journalist Luke Ford is believed to have been consumed by a giant South American boa constrictor while visiting the Holy Land. Freak accident? Biblical prophecy? La Cosa Nostra? Bizarre suicide? Autopsy results are still pending concerning positive identification. See photo.

Yesterday we erroneously reported that Luke Ford was consumed by an enormous boa constrictor while in Israel. He was in fact eaten alive by a large alligator. We apologize for any confusion this may have caused.

Sindee Plenum writes: Jesus I am sorry to hear that you were killed by the very same snake that killed by friend Tibor. What I can't figure out is how that snake killed you when the German police killed it weeks ago, or how you can continue to write stuff for your web site when your dead. Thought you could pull a fast one on us, eh Luke? Cindy Plenum is plenty smart enough to see you coming a mile away.

By the way, I have since learned that the most common snake in the mideast is Herpetus Semenus Masterbatus. This snake is very small (about three to four inches in length), and neither true herbivore nor carnivore. Instead, it subsists on semen. (I know all this because Tibor and I were working our way up from microlivestock to minilivestock) It has been known to crawl into bed with certain kinds of men and eat their droppings. And yes, when aroused, it can inflict a very nasty bite. It is repelled by the scent of any mamallian female, though. Not that this knowledge will be of any help to you, T-He!

Goodbye Luke, Hello Curious

Curious writes: Hmmmm. Since Luke will not be returning from the Holy Land I guess his plum job at is up for grabs. I guess I'll fill out the first application...

Name: Curious Address: Modesto, CA
Position Seeking: Smut Tattler / Amateur Theologian
Guns Owned: None, but will purchase immediately upon first death threat.
Journalism Experience: None, but Luke didn't have any either until he started.
Gay Sex Experience: None, but Luke didn't have any either until he started.
Porn Industry Contacts: Lynne Lopatin hates me. Does that count?
Mental Illnesses: All of Luke's and then some. Yes, that's possible.
Egomaniac: No, but I am willing to learn. You moron!
Jewish: No, but I am willing to learn. I can give up pork.
Vegetarian: Hey, I already gave up pork!
Willing to publish your most mundane thoughts in a forum scattered with sex, nudity, and Jewish theology?: I do that already!

Additional comments by applicant: While I do not possess any true experience in the underworld I feel that I can be just as effective in uncovering porn gossip and scandals as Luke Ford has been in the past. How? By cutting and pasting from just like Luke Ford did. Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to an interview where we can further discuss my unique qualifications. Photo attached.

Dark Suspicions

Chaim Amalek writes: The more astute of your readers are increasingly worried about you. We note the total lack of local color in your travel diary, the absence of detail indicative of experience, and wonder if you really are in Israel. (And FYI, only christians call the place "The Holy Land" - jews call it eretz Yisrael.)

Perhaps you are too physically ill and depressed to interact with others. Perhaps being in close proximity to all those Federation Jews is making you morally ill. (It would me! I really hope you go out on your own in Tel Aviv and Jerusalem. HOOK UP WITH YOUR PEN-PALS! Visit some whore-houses where Christian girls are held in bondage to jews. Serious suggestions there, Luke. Remember, you can interact with LA Jewesses anytime back home.) Or maybe something more sinister is afoot. Maybe you are locked in the basement crawlspace of XXX's home, experiencing what no man should ever have to experience.

I hope that the latter scenario is false. Please confirm that you are in Israel by publishing a photograph of you holding up a wrinkled copy of a current israeli publication.

How much do those Federation-Style "Missions" to Israel cost? What sort of hotel accommodations do you get for the money? Given what things likely cost out when you travel on your own, do you think you are getting good value for what you paid? Feel free to withold judgement until the trip is over. (Assuming, of course, that you really are in Israel.)

Luke: I paid $3100 including airfare for the ten day tour and I think it is worth it. The accomodations and food are great.


Jaded Jewish Girl writes: "Luke - If you get a chance, take a side-trip up to Tzfat (Safed), stay at the Ascent to Tzfat institute and spend Shabbat weekend with the hassidim. Though you most likely will not get laid, it will definitely alter your perspective ona few things. Amusingly enough, many of them are ex-hippies from the Haight or ex-Brooklynites, and those who did not grow up religious have some interesting reasons for getting into that lifestyle."

Luke says: I've visited Tzfat. It was the first place in Israel which brought me to tears. Beautiful. I heard a lecture from Rabbi L, who I talked to for 40 mins at a Jewish singles event four months ago. His first question to me - how is your neshama [soul]? Which prompted a deep conversation. He encouraged me to come to Israel and here I am.


Marc writes: luke--glad you've had a an inspiring trip. interesting how your site has reverted to a porn focus while you've been over there. how did you update the site while in the midst of the adventure--did you miss out on activities to prowl for stuff? how did you explain your absence to others on the trip? what was the extent of you having to answer questions about what you do for a living? did you score even once? (also, more about your visit to tsfat would be appreciated ... last fall, i attended an awesome concert of musicians based o'er there.)

Luke: I update my site in my spare hours during the day or evening and have not missed out on many activities. I am a loner and need a couple of hours a day to myself anyway.

I tell people I write an internet column but I don't mention porno. So far, nobody seems to have found out otherwise, which helps account for why the trip has gone so well. I've fit in with everybody else and had a great time. Met many interesting ladies, one or two that I really want. But I have not scored. Several ladies seemed to be willing but I only want to score with someone special.

For questions about my livelihood, I said the truth - that I write an internet column as well as write for such magazines as Composite (Japanese) and Klixxx (for adult webmasters).

I'm not ready to write much about the trip. It has been too sacred and meaningful for me to simply dash off a few sentences. I need to reflect more deeply and reveal carefully.


Luke In The Holy Land

Dateline: Eilat, Israel. Thursday 7PM.

Dear Diary, My trip to Israel has given me the moral courage to make a fundamental change to Although I report on the porn world I can no longer willingly be an accomplice to this evil industry by publishing exploitative nude photos of these poor, misguided women. I am confident that I can maintain my coveted position as the 6,133th most visited site on the web with my insightful reporting and commentary and no pornographic photos.

Elvis Presley writes: I would like to answer those doubting Thomas' who imply that Luke is not on a spiritual adventure searching for truth and enlightenment. I'm telling ya now that there have been several Luke sightings in such holy places as Athens Georgia, Jerusalem Mississippi, Isaiah Louisiana and other towns and villages throughout the South. Why my operatives have even found protein bar wrappers in Paris Texas. Living proof that pilgrim Luke is just about everywhere. While I have your attention will someone tell me what in tarnation happened to pop music critic JD Considine? I haven't read a sentence from him in Luke's column since he had a verbal run in with that Amalek fella. Not that I care so much but Considine left the building without reviewing my new boxed compilation of Jegroe Spirituals. My people worked long and hard to put this set together. All the standards are there sung in my inimitable style...My Yiddisha Probation Officer, Closer to Execution With Thee, He's Got The 9mm in his Hands, and even a rendition of The Ho's Prayer sung in Jegroe...I mean Hebrew. So Ya'All go on and getcha a copy now. Thank You Very Much.......Elvis Presley.

Chaim Amalek writes: What follows are (for me) among the most difficult questions in/about Judaism. The Oral Law - where do you stand on this? Do you believe, as the orthodox do, that what they call the oral law (the pronouncements of the rabenim on everything from intermarriage to shatness to the relaxation of the prohibition on usery) is really the literal will of god, dictated to Moses on Mt. Sinai, but rather inconveniently not committed to parchment until many centuries later? What is the force of oral law in your mind?

Israel - Given all that you know and have seen, what are Israel's prospects for surviving as a "jewish" state for the next 100 years?

Luke: I believe to be true in all areas of life what disinterested scholars hold to be true, i.e., what can be empirically argued to be true. Secular scholarship, for instance, holds that the Torah (the first five books of the Bible) is a post-Mosaic composite work and that the Oral Law (Mishna and Talmud) chiefly dates from 2000 years ago, with some bits dating back further. This runs against the traditional Christian and Jewish view that the Torah goes back 3200 years to Moses.

But secular scholarship says nothing about whether or not God is in the Torah or Oral Law. I believe that God is in the Torah in a way that he is not in any other document. And I sense the presence of the divine in the Oral Law but believe that it is heavily filtered by human hands.

I make dramatic separations in my own life between what is empirically true and what unprovable faith attitudes are useful to take. I take an attitude towards the Torah and the sacred texts of the Jewish tradition that they are divine and worthy of reverence. I allow them to shape my life.

Will Israel survive as a Jewish state? Great question.

The only thing that makes Israel Jewish, or any Jew Jewish, is Judaism. It is the only thing that all Jews share in common. Presently, only 20% of Israelis are orthodox and another 20% are Jewishly traditional in their lifestyle. The rest are secular. Israel has only a small presence of Conservative and Reform Judaism, which adapt the tradition to the exigencies of modern life.

Most Jews, including Israelis, will never become Orthodox. The Jewish problem around the world is that non-orthodox Jews are rapidly assimilating and marrying non-Jews. There's little Jewish passion and devotion outside orthodoxy. The Zionist dream which motivated the founders of Israel is fading among the modern Israeli generation, who simply want Israel to be a nation like other nations, rather than as a morally model nation, "a light unto the nations" to quote Isaiah.

The secular and the religious in Israel seem to hate each other and there's much talk about the two sides fighting it out in the next ten years. I have no answers to what will happen except that I am sure that only those Jews who live Judaism in some form will perpetuate themselves and shape Israel and Jewish life. The rest will assimilate. Secular Jewish culture looks rich from the outside but it does not hold up over the generations.

I've been deeply moved by my two weeks in the Holy Land. I want to move to Jerusalem and enter a yeshiva (Jewish Talmudic academy) to study Hebrew and sacred text. This is the only land where one can lead a fully Jewish life, and make the Torah live. Jewish Law was made to live in the land of Israel. On each of the three major festivals (Passover, Shuvuot and Succoth) we Jews are commanded to ascend to Jerusalem (it is 2800 feet high) to celebrate them. Which, incidentally, is another example of Judaism's elite nature. Obviously Jerusalem can only handle a limited number of pilgrims. I wish Judaism offered a wider portal to those seeking a religion but its requirements inherently restrict Judaism to a tiny disciplined and intelligent few.

Here are some of the highlights of my trip.

Five days before we left, I came down with a nasty cold. I spent most of my time in bed before boarding our El Al plane Saturday night, July 1st, and popping Tylenol PM. But I could not sleep a wink.

It was exciting to fly to Israel in the company of people I knew tangentially from various singles trips. Most people managed to sleep a few hours but not me. I am a nervous person and a light sleeper. I find it exceedingly difficult to sleep in the same bed as another person.

I sit next to a girl who's brother became Orthodox. She never will because of the "period thing." Jewish Law demands that husband and wife do not have sex while the wife is menstruating (and for a week after). They should not even touch. I think this makes sense. It is a good way to retain excitement. In most of my relationships, I've grown bored with the sex after a few weeks.

This girl however sees no attraction in the Law. She wants to cuddle with her hubby every night. She looks around our group for a woman who'll marry me and do the "period thing." She finds one and excitedly tries to introduce me.

We fly nonstop to Tel Aviv and arrive 14 hours later, at 10PM Sunday Tel Aviv time. We check into the David Intercontinental hotel. I go immediately to bed. Most everyone else hits the discos by the Tel Aviv beach.

I get a few hours sleep and shakily join my tour group from Los Angeles on a bus to Jaffa, a city next to Tel Aviv which features in the Jonah and the Whale story in the Bible. Our group consists of 34 women and 13 guys, an ideal ratio. I'd do about half the women if I saw no likelihood of awkward complications.

Over the next few days, several of my male acquaintances on the trip score but it leads to those awkward complications, with their women feeling possessive and easily hurt.

Sex is the primary topic among our group, more discussed by the men then the women. Next most discussed topic - the wonders of Israel. Most of our group are here for the first time. I was in Israel once before - at age four. I remember climbing the Mount of Olives and a few other Christian highlights - such as Bethlehem and Nazareth. I graduated from diapers in Israel.

My group visits Beit Reuven Rubin, home of the famous painter. We walk via Bialik and Allenby Street, viewing the architecture of the 1920s. We stop by the monument dedicated tot he city's founders on Rothschild Avenue. Then we go to the Shalom Tower and view the mosaic wall by the late Nachum gutman, depicting Tel Aviv's history.

Many of the guys on the bus want a beautiful Barbie-looking babe who boasts enhanced breasts. We talk about her boob job. Most people evidence a need to down her on some point, so they seize on this to bring her down to earth. Otherwise she's too beautiful and unattainable.

Our group is largely secular. I'm probably the most religious person on the tour, among the approximately 600 Jewish singles on the trip. There are large groups of around 150 persons from San Francisco, Detroit and Chicago, as well as smaller groups from Miami and Dallas. Most of us spend most of our time on our city bus. LA is bus nine, for instance. We all have name tags but most people stop wearing them after a few days.

The San Francisco group appears the most bonded. They got together several times before the trip. Chicago, Detroit and Miami also bond better than us. Our group never bonds. It is rather a collection of individuals and small cliques. We met a couple of times before the trip, once for an informational meeting and once for a Friday night Shabbat dinner.

We (LA) have a good group of people (though only one-third as many participants as Chicago and Detroit, who have smaller Jewish populations). Nobody is overly obnoxious and nobody drags us down. We get along. Our two professional leaders from the Los Angeles Jewish Federation are well liked but our Israeli guide is obnoxious and self possessed. She shoves down our throats the information that her leftist secular ideology demands. She's not open to questions and is overall a real downer when compared to some of the other wonderful guides that other buses had. She treats us like second graders and we rebel accordingly.

Our bus hates our guide and she hates us. At the end of the trip, all the other buses collect tips for their guides but we don't.

Most participants on the Jewish Singles Mission arrive in Israel late Monday afternoon. All 600 of us gather at a Tel Aviv beach Monday night, July 2nd, for dinner and dancing. I meet several attractive, accomplished (two with MBAs from prestigious universities) and intelligent Jewish women from San Francisco. As usual, I feel outclassed by many of the females I meet.

Lisa from Detroit is an outgoing bodybuilder and therapist who gives love and affection to most everyone she meets, including a blind guy from Detroit.

To pounding rock music, we dance in the ankle-deep warm Mediterranean ocean. I regret wearing shoes, socks and long pants. The temperature is in the 80s and humid.

We spend Tuesday morning listening to lectures. Former Prime Minister Shimon Peres gets a huge welcome, with hundreds of flash bulbs going off. Most everyone has brought a camera except me. I just want to absorb Israel rather than record it. And I did not want to risk losing my $700 digital camera.

Peres gives a leftist rant about our brave new world which will no longer be governed by borders and traditional boundaries. Technology has supposedly changed all that. But the worst is yet to come.

Tel Aviv is Jewish LA's sister city and we have to endure hours of talks about a Tel Aviv domestic violence shelter funded by our donations. We get three lectures by social workers, which basically repeat themselves, and a brief tour of the facility. The facility director claims that the rates of domestic violence are just as high among the religious, which I doubt. If it were true, I would not live Judaism. If Judaism does not make people better, I see no reason for it. Perpetuating Jews for no higher reason does not move me.

Then we go to a Tel Aviv theater and watch shorts of Israeli movies. I find them depressing, for they stress the same transgressive and revolting themes that dominate Hollywood. I tell the presenter, who works for the Israeli film board which subsidizes these movies, that it seems like these Israeli movie makers are trying to be like Hollywood rather than paint their own unique vision. My comment is highly unpopular with both the group and the Israelis, who vehemently insist on the uniqueness of the Israeli movie vision. They talk about pacing and techniques while my soul is troubled by the nihilism of the content. It reminds me of the Cincinatti curator who spoke about Robert Maplethorpe's work. Yes it was art. Why? Because of the composition and lighting. Never mind about the content - men urinating into each other's mouths, etc...

Tuesday night I meet a darkly attractive Israeli woman who emailed me after the Maariv profile. We have drinks on the town with a male friend of hers from work, possibly a boyfriend.

Young Israeli women, including my date, tend to have thighs half the size of their American counterparts and appear in much better shape (largely due to their two years of compulsory service in the Israeli Defence Force). Many of the Jewish women in their 30s on the trip are already beginning to look like nose tackles.

Israelis have a harsh and unattractive accent and manner.

Tuesday, July 4, we visit "The Museum of the Diaspora" where the Jewish religious heritage is treated like a museum artifact by the secular guides. My soul revolts. We Jews do not have history, we have memory. For the religious Jew, leaving Egypt for the Promised Land (the Passover rituals) is a yearly event. We are part of a 3300 year drama. Passover symbolizes the means by which we continually must leave behind those habits that enslave us.

On Wednesday, July 5, we visit a relocation center (partially funded by the LA Jewish federation) where new immigrants to Israel (from Russia, Eastern Europe, etc) spend six months learning Hebrew and preparing to join mainstream Israeli society. Then we drive up the hill to Sfat, a center of Jewish mysticism. Despite the religiosity of the area, it's long had a liberal atmosphere though that is changing as the religious increasingly dominate. The Chabad Hasidim have five shuls here. Roseanne Barr, the American TV star, wants to buy a home in Sfat.

I spend a couple of hours walking around Sfat's ancient streets and visiting various synagogues and shops. The women are required to dress modestly, to cover their shoulders and legs.

I find a bearded Chabad rabbi manning a booth with a sign "Ask The Rabbi." He's from Palm Springs. He's Herman Wouk's rabbi and is mentioned in Wouk's latest book on Judaism.

Sfat is where the religious significance and beauty of Israel first hits me hard and brings me to tears. Every Friday night I sing "Lcha Dodi" which was composed in Sfat in the 16th Century. Mystics at the time would dress in their finest clothes on Friday evening and walk outside to greet the Sabbath bride (as the onset of sundown Friday night signals the beginning of the Jewish Sabbath).

By contrast, Tel Aviv was an overwhelmings secular city of one million, a city like many others around the world. Sfat, and Jerusalem later, are uniquely Jewish.

Most everywhere we go, we see soldiers carring around submachine guns. This freaks some of the women on our bus. I love it. It makes me feel secure. I wish we had soldiers carring around submachine guns on every American corner. Let them overrun East LA and other dangerous spots. I want good people to be better armed than criminals. I want a strong Israel able to protect itself, and I want a strong Luke able to protect himself. There's something pathologic about the number of Jews who oppose giving good citizens the right to defend themselves with guns. If Jews in Europe prior to the Second World War had owned guns, there would've been no Holocaust.

We party Wednesday night at a Chabad camp and dance to a Hasidic band. In the religion I was raised in (Seventh Day Adventist) dancing was a sin. I'm still a stiff and uncomfortable dancer but tonight I feel like I fit in. We form long human chains of dozens of people and dance around the camp. I feel part of my people. I feel stronger ties to my community. I feel like I fit in, a rare feeling for me over my life. I usually feel like an outsider.

This trip is scary for me because it brings me right up to the thing I want most - to fit in. To have friends and community. To belong. The last time I had this close of a community was in my UCLA dorm in 1988-89. Illness brought that to a close and I resumed my life of isolation.

Now I have a roommate again and we share gossip about who's scoring with who and which girls on our bus are our favorites. It's primal bonding material.

I love seeing our Jewish women on the trip early in the morning, when they first wake up and stumble downstairs to breakfast. Then we sit together on the bus and fall asleep together and endure an obnoxious guide together and go places together. When we stop our bus for bathroom breaks, the line outside the womens bathroom is always long. So many of the women come into the mens room and use our facilities. About half the Israeli restrooms use a mutual washroom. The only time I saw unisex bathrooms in America was at UCLA.

When we get hot and sweaty and dirty, the women talk about how gross they must look. But they don't. The pretty ones still look terrific. Women put too much stock in makeup and nice clothes. Female beauty shines through the most adverse circumstances.

Thursday, July 6, we ascend the Golan Heights and learn about their importance to Israel's security. We visit old Syrian bunkers that Israeli troops overran in 1967. I hate to give back an inch to the stinking Arabs who've tried eversince 1948 to annihilate the Jewish state. I'm filled with anger when we visit the places that once flowed with Jewish blood as we defended our homeland. Israel is a beacon of light in the middle of the most evil part of the world today - the Arab Islamic world (the one place, outside of North Korea and China) untouched by democracy.

We board rafts and kayaks and float down the Jordan river. I have three fun nonJAPy (JAP = Jewish American Princess) girls on my raft who laugh at my horrible skills in directing our ship. I run us into every bramble and embankment and one girls gets severely lacerated by vines and bushes.

Friday we drive to Jerusalem. All 600 singles gather together and make Jewish blessings and sing Jewish songs. Then we go to the Old City's Zion Gate and walk to the Western Wall (called by non-Jews the "Wailing Wall"), the most hallowed site in Jewish tradition. This wall once surrounded the second temple which was destroyed by the Romans in the year 70 CE. It is here at the wall that for the only time on the trip, I ask somebody to snap a photo of me.

From the wall, we can see the Dome of the Rock, the third holiest site in Islam which commemorates where Mohammed supposedly ascended to heaven. It's built right on top of where our temple resided and we can never rebuild our temple to sacrifice to God again without destroying the Dome (which we can't do because it'd provoke a Holy War against us by a billion Muslims). Islam has a tradition of building their mosques on other people's holy places.

Lord Peter Luther Christian writes: Dear Luke: I and the others in my prayer circle sense that an impending sharp change to your spiritual being is imminent, one that will profoundly alter the course of your life. Could it be that you have found a place for Jesus in your life? As you must know from your travels in the Levant, you would not be the first jew to feel the power and love of Christ! We pray that it is so.

Greg: I guess this is a no-go for your next book's research - would have been a good idea if it was allowed.

From the 7/12/00 Wall Street Journal SEX AND TAXES: A man deducted cash payments to Nevada prostitutes as research for a book he was writing. The Tax Court said no, calling the deductions "so personal in nature as to preclude their deductibility." A federal appeals court recently affirmed the Tax Court's decision.

Chaim Amalek writes: OK you bigot - what is so terrible about "men urinating into each other's mouths, etc..." that you have to point to it? Did not God above create Man in His Image? Does not Man make weewee and does not Man have a Mouth?

Regarding Israeli women, you nailed it. Military service prevents them from porking out, and it occurs at exactly the moment in life when most women who end up fat start their trajectory in that direction, when they are 18 - 20 years old. If american jews were smart, they would direct ALL of their daughters to service with the armed forces of the United States, so that they better appeal to the Jewish men they are destined to serve. Otherwise, there are an awful lot of nice looking shiksas out there for important Jewish men like you and me to pick from. PS Where can I buy them Jegro Spiritual tunes?

So you want to join a yeshiva? Let's face it, if you were put into a Satmar or haredi yeshiva, you would become a flaming atheist for Christ inside of two months. Are there any non-crazy yeshivas in Israel, or are they all peopled by men who dream of living in 19th century Polish Shtetles?

Other things to consider. If you go there, how the hell will you be able to continue your life's work in porn? I realize that you are pretty good at compartmentalizing your life, but this would be a stretch even for you. Your entire flock of Hustler employees, stripper-whores and web masters would be cut adrift, vulnerable to the blandishments of god knows what that might come to take your place. Are you willing to give Satan such an opportunity?

On the other hand, how would you support yourself in Israel? Serious questions for serious times.

Luke Arrives In Athens


Athens, Greece: Monday, 11PM.

I arrived safely in Athens this morning and am updating from my hotel room.

Following in the footsteps of Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle, today I walked from my hotel in downtown to the Acropolis on the hill.

Greece reminds me of Israel with its great ancient history and Meditteranean manners. But while in Israel I saw no porn openly sold (except for one sex shop and a few copies of Hustler magazine at a couple of newsstands), I saw it all over Athens. Private seems particularly popular. You can buy porno DVDs at newsstands which offer at eye level, where kids can see it, sexually explicit photos of women stretching their vaginas.

Chaim writes: I do not know what your plans are for the coming week, but if you go down to the port of Pireas, you can go on a short cruise through the eastern Mediterranean for a few days for not much money, maybe just the cost of a hotel room where you are. Not luxurious, but full of europeans on holiday. Were you interested in emotion-free sex with some nordic women, this would be the way to do it. Heavy duty party scene. Good test of your spiritual purity, and a chance to see some interesting ancient ruins from your christian heritage. (Wasn't the Book of Revelations written down on the Island of Patmos?)

Perhaps I have been too hard on Greek women. What do you make of them? True Europeans or not?

Luke: More Mediteranean but not as attractive generally as the Israelis.

Chaim: So where are you going this week? Any side-trips to Kosovo in store to score with some Albanian chicks? Tip for killing one bird with one stone, and possibly getting to eat it: Regarding Peppy, call up the Lawyer (with whom you presumably are making little time) and ask her for her advice on how to deal with the web issue as regards your new love. (Every guy has been tortured by women who want to discuss their man-problems; this is your chance at pay-back). The angle is that you want to further explore her reactions to hearing what you did to support yourself in Seth Warshawsky-like grandeur.

Luke: Wednesday I'm off to the Greek island of Santorini then Mykonos.

I spent Wednesday through Saturday night in the vacation resort by the Red Sea of Eilat, located in the desert next to Jordan and Egypt. Most of my group took sidetrips to these countries but I stayed by the pool and harbored my vanishing shekels.

I could've stayed in Eilat till Sunday, and then hung out in Tel Aviv till my Monday 6AM flight to Athens, but instead I booked myself into the Howard Johnson Shalom Hotel by the Tel Aviv beach for two nights.

I have not been to synagogue once in my two weeks in the Holy Land. I've been less religious and less observant over the past two weeks than I've been for years.

Greece is not as tourist friendly as Israel. A small percentage of signs are in English. Few people speak English. The most friendly people are the foreigners.

I hear that Athens stinks but I've had little sense of smell the last twelve years, the last two weeks in particular. I'm wearing damp clothes stuffed in my bag the past 15 hours. I hope I don't stink.

Mainly on this trip I've oscillated between wearing my two black shorts and two black T-shirts. I wash them in the bathtub most nights and with the Middle Eastern heat, they're usually dry by morning.

I figure out how to withdraw money from the ATM, and get 50,000 drachmas. I feel competent and hence more confident. I buy four yoghurts for dinner then walk late into the night.

I see few blacks.

It's scary walking around a new city in a strange country but Greece has one of Europe's lowest crime rates. You can walk around most European cities most anywhere most anytime, with safety, unlike America. Chaim Amalek would say that's because America has a higher percentage of blacks who are more prone to criminal violence.

On this trip, I've been asked by about 50 different persons why I converted to Judaism, including by the security guard at the El Al flight desk Monday morning. I'm happy to answer that I converted to Judaism because I believe in it. That I believe in God and that he made a covenant with Israel at Mount Sinai 3200 years ago and that I wanted a part in the divine mission to bring the world to Sinai, to God and His moral demands, to ethical monotheism.

Also, I converted to Judaism to recapture the sense of family and community I had as a child. But I've managed to find much of the community and camraderie that I seek through this website. You, the reader, are my family.

I spent most of my quality time corresponding with Chaim Amalek, as well as Marc Putative, Curious, Fred, Lynne, NJG, Lou Scorbick, Rumdar, etc...

Guys, our next vacation, we need to take it together.

Athens is surrounded by mountains and frequently has worse air quality than Los Angeles. Thank God the recent heatwave has ended and today was a pleasant 90 degrees top.

It's easy to find yourself in Athens. You just look up to the Acropolis and get your bearings.

I don't see people studying Plato and Aristotle the way we Jews study the Torah and the Psalms and Talmud. Our Jewish past, from Moses to King David to Rabbi Akiva is much more real and influential to us than the Greek thinkers are to the Greeks, or to most anybody. It's the Jewish scriptures that mold the world. Most of Plato's ideas belong in one plus, says Dennis Prager. Plato's books.

Luke's Travel Journal

Dear Diary, With my Jewish singles group gone I am now able to concentrate on the true purpose of my Israel trip . . . to pimp the hell out of my book! I did my first book signing today at the Jerusalem Barnes and Noble and it was an unqualified success! Record crowds! Media coverage! Free smoothies! I now truly feel the acceptance of my adopted people.

Chaim replies: "Luke: All the Jews that Pierce talks about are secular Jews. They are Jews with no affiliation with Judaism. The Jews in the sex trade do not belong to synagogues and do not contribute to Judaic life. They are frequently non-Jewish Jews, with values totally alien to the Torah and Judaism. Religious Jews and those informed by Judaic values frown on Hollywood's excesses as well as the sex trades."

But Luke, the vast majority of jews are secular jews, jews you call non-jewish jews. You sound like the Good Negroes of yore who defended themselves against white racism by arguing "yes, most negroes ARE violent, lazy, and lust after white women, but I am different." Or do you think Pierce has the pulse of the majority of secular Western Jews?

Tip for scoring with Greek chicks. Actually, this is a tip for what NOT to say. If you have had any sort of decent, eurocentric education, then you have been exposed to statues and other Images created by the ancient Greeks, a race of people with almost God-like powers of creativity and reason. In modern-day Athens, you will quickly note that the people you see there who call themselves Greek look nothing like those Images from Periclean Athens. Instead, the people look, well, um, like Turks. DO NOT SHARE THIS OBSERVATION WITH ANY "GREEK" WOMEN YOU WANT TO BANG! They have yet to acknowledge the wonder and beauty of the miscegenation that produced the modern Greek.

Since this is your last night in Tel Aviv, I hope you are spending it checking out all the Jewish brothels in which Christian girls are being held in sexual slavery. Your timely report can help make you a hero among american feminists, and raise your standing in the eyes of Peppy Jewish Girl.

The 14 Words: "We Must preserve a Future for Jews and for the Jewish Children of Tomorrow" RAHEWA! (Rabbinic Hebrew War) 12-6!

If this perky fertile jewish girl dumps you because you insisted on keeping that lame web site up and she she finds out what you do (woof woof) you will feel like one stupid SOB. At least clean it up! Put more disclaimers in it! Suffuse it with jewish crap (even more than is usual)! And please, when you get home, shit-can all of your um, zoological videos.

And if you do not and she finds out and dumps you, you know what? You will spend the rest of your life being cared for by LL and NJG, living in a hovel in a converted garage (all three of you!), in perpetual fear...

The Summit Of All Our Fears

Chaim Amalek writes: Luke, call me a paranoid dirty jew, but I am beginning to have some suspicions concerning your new woman PJG. There is something about all this that seems just a bit too cute, too contrived to be as it seems. Hear me out.

Remember the juvenile attempts of that Mossad agent to flush me out at the beginning of the year? He said he wanted to interview me since “there were so many jews with my name in Israel.” Of course, I not only did not fall for that ruse, I felt insulted that his controllers had so low an opinion of me that they would attempt so simple-minded an operation. Months go by, and you meet, first “by accident,” a jewish woman of Zionist inclinations who suddenly expresses interest in you. There are no accidents in life Luke. Could it be that this known Zionist is using you to get to me? Think about it. She is a jewess with stellar academic credentials, a former cheerleader, peppy, pretty, young (I assume) - just what every full figured mature New York Jew wants. Certainly were she Mossad, should could not be directly inserted into my life, for that would be far too obvious for me not to spot. So instead, in the best traditions of the craft, they insinuate her into by life by first placing her into yours.

If she is Mossad, then expect the following to happen. When she learns of your web activities, she at first expresses some degree of disgust and shock, but quickly overcomes it. Then she seems to take a sudden keen interest in your web site and all that it contains, including the coded messages of one Chaim Amalek. She tells you that rather than being a porner, it appears that you have created a caring community of Jewish intellectuals not seen since the glory days of the alcoves of City University of New York in the 1930's (oy, how I remember those days!), and expresses a desire to be part of that community by corresponding with its members, including one Chaim Amalek. One thing leads to another. She attempts to meet me face to face but I, being a very shy man, decline the invitation, jokingly telling her that if she wants to meet me, it can only be at your wedding. Well, shortly thereafter you two decide to marry in the faith of my ancestors, and invite me to give the benediction. I agree, and attend. But then on my way back home, I have some sort of an unfortunate “accident” or I disappear. Your Challa too, vanishes, returning back to the Zionist Settler State, her mission at long last accomplished, with one less Amalek in the world...

Be careful there Luke, be very careful.

Such is the Corruptive Power of Zionism

Chaim writes: Luke Ford writes: "I have not been to synagogue once in my two weeks in the Holy Land. I've been less religious and less observant over the past two weeks than I've been for years."

Every Satmar Chassid worth his salt will note that this is still further proof of the anti-jewish power and effect of zionism. In their eyes, Zionism is Satan's whore, leading jewish people to their spiritual doom, and your comments do not contradict that. Don't you think you would be a more spiritually inclined and committed jew if at long last Arab armies swept the levant clean of zionists from the Jordan river to the shores of the Mediterranean?

"When I meet wonderful people like PJG I fear that they will discover who I truly am and they will then shun me."

Listen up, bunky - you have two advantages over PJG, one physical, the other psychological. The physical is that you have what she needs to be fulfilled as a woman: a dick, shvantz, petzel, whatever you call it, it's what she needs. Let the dykes and spinsters look to their dildos; she wants a penis (and is young enough to get one) and you got one with her name written on it. The psychological advantage that you have over her is that she REALLY wants to marry a jewish guy who takes his religion seriously and who wants to marry a jewess too - why else would she be on a jewish singles mission to Zion with 600 American Jews?

(To be honest, I would rather travel to Pyongyang to listen to epic poems extolling the life of Kim Il Sung, the Great Leader of North Korea and the Father of Juche thought, than travel with such a group of people. Must be my genetic inclination towards exogamy.)

And she is REALLY LOOKING to get married - NOW. Not for her Barry Blomenshit in his endless jewish adolescence - she wants a MAN to MARRY her NOW, before spinsterhood sets in. And you could well be that man.

(Is she in marketing, by chance? If she is, then you are in even better shape than if she is into something like financial analysis. As a marketer, she must be aware of the time-sensitive nature of her market power as a woman, and is seeking to trade on it NOW. Hence the trip to Zion in search of the mate she could not find in America.)

"I see few blacks...Greece has one of Europe's lowest crime rates. You can walk around most European cities most anywhere most anytime, with safety, unlike America. Chaim Amalek would say that's because America has a higher percentage of blacks who are more prone to criminal violence."

Luke, it is not manly of you to couch your racist thoughts in what you imagine I would have proffered as the explanation for this odd observation of yours. More important than negritude are white racism, economic hard times, drug abuse, single parent families, homophobia, underfunded schools, patriarchy, euro-hegemonistic thought, colonialism, and the power of hate groups to think hate and spread hate via hateful web sites on the internet. When will you learn to stop looking at the color of a person's skin and instead respect them as members of groups that, after all, are all the same under the skin? You clearly have not been watching enough American television of late; you are morally adrift.

"Also, I converted to Judaism to recapture the sense of family and community I had as a child. But I've managed to find much of the community and camraderie that I seek through this website. You, the reader, are my family."

Then why bother with being a jew? Other religions do a better job of providing a sense of belonging, especially to men who live as you do (I understand that you do not even drive a Lexus!) I say once you nail and marry this Peppy Hebrew Honey of yours and spend the winter solstice with this Channukah bush, you bag the whole jewish thing. Live life as an ethical gentile who follows the easy seven Noahide laws instead of all that oral law crap, follow whatever of judaism you like and ignore the rest, and life will be easier and better for you. Just try not to think about the enslaved Christian girls you left to their doom in Israel while romancing your zionist beshert. Amalek Kal Emet [Amelek Voice of Truth]

Give Luke A Break

Rumdar writes: Luke..... I am personally fed up with Chaim and Marc implying that it is your website which is contributing to your dismal success record with peppy/preppy cheerleader Yiddishaettes. Get real fellas. Luke's scoreboard problems are economic and have nothing to do with the site. He was doing quite well on the beach at 2 a.m. listening to the dolphins surf and the tide come in (shoulda made a move then buddy, you probably won't get another chance). Now what? He returns to LA and asks for a date. Luke shows up in a van that Ted Bundy wouldn't drive and takes her highness to all you can eat Chinese (broker than usual from the vacation).....Result....OO. Now if he were making heavy bucks from his chosen profession the story might have a more erotic ending. Preppy Harvard graduates may have a dalliance or two with the captain of the football team but they don't get serious with guys who drive vans. I have met some stunning Greek and Turkish women. Unfortunately they rarely put out. I think it has something to do with the culture. My advice. Next vacation check out the Hebrew influences on the countries of Thailand and the Philippines. There probably aren't any but a great time is guaranteed.

Luke, you tipped 10%? Somewhat light buddy. Hardly the kind of gratuity to impress Jewish Royalty :)

Ari writes: don't be ashamed of First of all if the entire site were rated in a movie, it would probably be an "R". Second, it is a unique, interesting business model (although you haven't had any advertising on it in a while). The only thing I would do, is remove references to who you did and would have sex with.

Something Sweet For PJG

I wrote Chaim Amalek, asking him to compose something sweet for me to send to Pretty Jewish Girl.

Chaim writes: Lisa, I too watched in horror as history unfolded before my eyes the other day at Yad Vashem, and how I too, would have been marked for death had I lived in those times in Europe. I could not help but think of all those jewish people who were so much like you and I whose lives were snuffed out by the force of hatred. And today that hatred is resurgent.

Let's face it, people like us are less and less popular in the world. If we fail, it is because we are losers, and if when we succede, it is because we are exploiters or subversives. Some people would have us all take up arms against it and retreat to our gated communities in fear, but I am not among them. I know that the love that I found within my heart when I met you will defeat any hatred that the world can know.

PS When you get back, shame her into loving you despite your relative penury by taking her to the Museum of Tolerance. Bring with a sledge hammer to knock down the door that is labeled "nonbigot" to get in. Note that no jew was richer than any other jew at the moment his lungs filled with Zyklon-B gas. Maybe even take a trip to the Holocaust Museum of Washington, DC. Discuss your ideas for the Mausechvitz theme park the Disney corporation is rumored to be building outside of Hayden Lake, Idaho. My point is that you can answer the following question, never before posed on the internet: Can high class LA jewesses be guilt-tripped by the Holocaust into jumping into the sack with a non-wealthy jewish man? I SAY YES! Let's make Hitler do the jews a mitzvah from his grave!

Well, the fact that she is at an internet startup is VERY good for you, as it means she is more likely to understand the bootstrap project that you are undertaking. And that is how to present it - not that you are a pervert, but that you saw this opportunity to make a name for yourself in a business as a journalist even as you were subverting it by exposing its connections to the underworld etc.

If you get called on it, admit that you are not perfect, but that you do NOT publish dirty pictures (make sure that you do not, unless clearly as a joke.), and you have broken some big stories, and that you have really learned. toss some of your adulatory press coverage her way. Tell her that your goal is to leverage this exposure into a radio or television show on popular culture and ethics, not a career in porn (?). Or maybe something on the economics of the internet, what with all that crap you post on credit card problems. If she spots all the antisemitic stuff you post, calmly tell her that you post it so that the targets of that hate have a better understanding of what/who is against them, that the world is more than Disney.

Finally, if she starts to view you as less than a man for what you do, gently inform her that to get where you are, you have had to brave serious threats from serious people, and that were it not for the fact that the FBI is looking out for you and that you are now too big to whack, god knows what would have happened to you by now. Hope this works - sounds very good so far, but you may have to dance around a bit to deal with the web issue.

PS Damn lucky break that she does not live in LA! you don't really want her to see your hovel before she gets hooked on you, do you?

PPS You lucky bastard! By the way, how are NJG and LL taking all this? Are they really truly happy for you?

Ignore the Nattering Nabobs of Negativity

Cecil writes: Dear Luke: I have been following your postings from the orient with great interest. Don't pay any heed to those guys who are telling you that you will fail in your new romance. They are like most guys - losers, who want to see real men fail. Your problem is that you are afflicted with various Thetans who mean to do you ill, a problem that I had back when I was a gay man.

Then I discovered the teachings of Scientology, and ever since I have been as straight as a whistle, Theta-Clear. And that's what you need to do, get rid of all the thetans that are speaking to you in muffled voices of failure, and start thinking like the winner we all were meant to be. The first thing you should do upon return to Los Angeles is get yourself checked into one of the Scientology Clinics for an evaluation. Good Luck!


Luke In Mykonos

This is a largely barren island (except for the cultivation of humans around the edges) in the Mediteranean with a stark windswept romantic beauty. Too bad I came alone.

My rabbi says that if a Jew is left deserted on a desert island he should immediately ask some Jewish questions: What time and day is it, so he knows when to pray. Jews should turn their hearts towards God at least three times a day, sunrise, sunset and before bed. Which day is the Shabbat, which must be kept holy. And what can a Jew eat here? A Jew may not kill and eat anything he wants.

Mykonos shows little Judaic influence. Many of the women sunbathe topless. Many folks sunbathe on the public beaches totally nude. I want to talk to them about what the Torah says about modesty.

Public nudity is not healthy for society. Women should keep their treasures wrapped up and reveal them only to their husbands. Topless bathing cheapens women. Men do not value them as much when they give away their assets for free.

I feel lonely. I have God and I have you, dear reader, but all my newfound friends I lost Saturday night (my tour group flew back to LA), most painfully of course, I lost Pretty Jewish Girl. I get butterflies in my stomach when I think of her.

Mykonos has no highrises, no buildings above three stories tall.

Chaim Amalek writes:

The only place I ever get to go is Coney Island, which my albinoism prevents me from enjoying on sunny days. (But you should see me on a cloudy day when I get in the water! Even the fish know better than to get in my way!) I hope the answer is that you get payoffs from rich people in the industry.

Love Haiku for your Peppy:

A heart beats alone
Yearning to share a new beat
Then God smiles on two

(Do NOT use the stuff Lynne sent you - it is very disturbing, as it is redolent of death.) If this works, you are doubly obligated to pimp for me.

PS Where else in Greece are you going? Meteor? Thessalonica? It had a sizable and very, very ancient jewish community until it was destroyed in the war. I suspect one will NOT find any holocaust museums there.

PPS If you can, visit the city of Ephesus in Turkey, usually a stop on many of the mini-cruises. Awesome ruins of a library and an adjacent brothel, connected together via a tunnel. People were quite civilized back then.

PPPS Have you yet found any evidence in support of the "Black Athena" theory of history?

Marc Putative writes: i've been thinking about one point from luke's PJG tale. when he ventured into the hotel lobby where she was holding court, and subsequently administered the massage, everyone else was sitting around complaining about the trip. what was the nature of their complaints? how were they so ticked off when luke was having such a joyous time? did ringleader PJG express contempt for their kvetching ways? was she especially receptive to the fact that luke was stimulated by his surroundings? also, contrary to rumdar lumping me in with chaim's persistence that luke's site will be his downfall, i beg to differ. i have been able to justify writing about tawdry matters, to an extent that has only ENHANCED my desire to connect with the jewish community on a spiritual and cultural level. heck, i even contribute wisdom to this deviant site under my own damn name. (who else can say that? point is, i don't consume porn, save for perusing the racks at regular newsstands--and sometimes not even that ...)

Luke says: They kvetched about the lack of a spiritual and religious component to the trip. And about the stupid seminars on domestic violence etc that we had to attend to see how our donations were spent. PJG liked me because I did not complain. She was tired of listening to whining. She says she likes easy going guys like me. Luke, easy going?

Epistle to the Jews of Toronto and Grecian

Chaim writes: Jesus, all that moolah and he needs to take out an ad for chicks? Well, such is life. The truth is that it is tough because virtually all men are wired by mother nature to want the same sort of women, and most women do not fit the bill (even if they once did).

American Jews in general and LA jews in particular strike me as very, very prosperous, self confident, and used to getting things their own way. In other words, spoiled. (Don't get me started on the amount of money Manhattan Jews spend on their little brats' Bar or Bat Mitzvahs. It would stagger you. JAPS are made, not born.) I imagine that any vacation package that Luke could afford likely would be short on an amenity or two that you or I would never even notice but which would tick those princesses and princelings off. So yes, I think you have a point - their group kvetching helped set Luke off as being their moral superior.

Regarding the web site I have softened my views a bit. She may be entrepreneurial enough to appreciate his boot-strapping as a journalist/businessman/web maven. It will still require some fancy foot work but it is do-able, I think. And Luke, if she balks, just put her in touch with me and I will set her so straight that either she will marry you or go gay. Chaim Amalek (whose name shall be remembered and uttered for so long as the Lord's torah lives)


Rumdar writes: Pretty/preppy Jewish girl is your Zelda. If you must have her, go after her and let nothing stop you. Do not forget, the great F. Scott was a broke, poverty stricken writer living in New York when he met the girl of his dreams. Make him your inspiration Luke. Ignore those tanned tits on the beach. Plan your strategy to win the heart of PJG when you return. Do it for yourself and do it for us, (your loyal fans). Should you succeed even the granite heart of Amalek (complete with pacemaker) will melt.

Marc Putative writes Luke: i'd venture the era of as a hamlet for exclusively (or dominantly) porn reportage has reached its end. (i suggest this not being certain of where your sponsor situation stands--is this a broken deal where they're contractually obligated to pay you, even though your site isn't driving traffic anywhere porn-related?) the only initiative for keeping up appearances would be relative to any phone calls or invitations you get based on your past endeavors--which you should field, but not without clarifying that porn journalism is something from your past, that you still dabble in, but with reluctance. now, covering an event validated by someone like stern is still perfectly valid, since it's seeped into the mass consciousness--therefore, you're commenting on the media fascination with porn, rather than porn itself.

but--and not to sound like lord peter luther christian here--your redemption is just around the bend. consider the confessional books from a year or two back by kathryn harrison ("the kiss," about having an affair with her father--and not being particularly regretful for it), or joyce maynard ("at home in the world," about having an affair with j.d. salinger ... even more grotesque, since she was, like, 17 at the time). these women went on to have presumably normal lives with children and husbands sympathetic to those skeletons. the producers and publishers will start knocking down the door as you move closer to renouncing that obsessive interest in porn flicks in favor of connubial comfort with your very own yoko-in-reverse ... PJG. then me and chaim can reap the rewards of collaborating on the retrospective approach to luke's prurient past. furthermore, you've got this cast of characters much more compelling than anything CBS could imagine with "big brother" or "survivor". it's the fact that we all came to luke's site to read about beastiality--but stuck around for the spiritual inspiration and the sense of community and irreverence--THAT is the selling point ...

so, step to it. when you get back home, it's time for a new beginning, with a loving woman of valor by your side. since has touched on every pop phenomenon of the past three years ("who wants to marry a multi-millionaire" on down), there's really nowhere left to go but to sew it all up, and reap whatever profits the book or movie world has to offer. the website would remain a crucial part of chronicling your daily domestic life, though--far as i can tell, there are no males who have been able to do the online diary routine successfully (it's more of a chick thing). yet's life beyond perversion may well be the only content-driven website out there that can make a profit. (and that profit will be entirely PJG's; happy and fulfilled forever.)

Replacing Pornography With Submissions Of Love and Romance

Goddess writes Luke: You say you only want to write about love and in the next breath you're figuring out how to get to SF "on the CHEAP?!" Luke!!! How unromantic can you get? When you start talking about getting to SF no matter what the cost, THEN I'll believe you're in love. And don't be such a damn skin flint. The moths in your wallet need some fresh air once in a while.

Fred Nek writes: Yup. You got it, Luke. Get rid of all the smut on Don't you think it would make much better copy to replace the descriptions of Sabrina Johnson and her anal gang bang with a Shakespeare-like sonnet extolling love for the beautiful Sabrina. Or perhaps a poem about a stroll on a moon-lit night on the beach with Annabel Chong.

("How many ways do I love thee--let me count the ways. Well, concerning the ways that are legal in all 50 states, oh, about two.")

You could hand out some kind of literary prize. Something like the Luke Ford prize for literature. There could be one for poetry, and one for romantic prose. I'll bet NJG would be willing to judge the quality of the submission. (Heck, as first prize, you might even get Ms. Chong to accompany the winner on a stroll on the beach on a moon lit night. Then again, she may just be inclined to moon the winner.)

And whereas the Nobel prize for literature is handed out in Sweden each year, the Luke Ford prize for literature could be handed out in front of the Swedish Erotica offices each year.

The heck with pornography. It's time to rise to a higher plane. I can think of no surer recipe for boosting the readership of

Two Birds, One Stone

Curious writes: This is so perfect! You need an excuse to go to the Bay Area to visit PJG. The Who Wants To Shag A Millionaire? Gang Bang is to be held in San Francisco. Invite her as your guest to cover the gang bang! Then she can see you in your true element. Wow! Talk about fated!

ps This may seem nosy, but have you seen her PCR DNA test yet?

Luke: No. But the two birds, one stone is generally a good idea. I might do it. But how do I explain to her what event I will be covering? How about "a safe sex fundraiser"?

The Final Solution

Chaim Amalek writes: Problem: Luke: My sweetie's just moved to San Francisco, so I'm trying to figure out how to get up there as often as possible on the cheap.

Solution: Cost to drive, rount trip to SF: about $60 in gas for your vehicle. (By the way, there must be bus service.)

Cost for lodging: NOTHING. Simply stay with your friend NJG. If she really is your friend, she will be happy to oblige you. And if not her, there must be someone in Lukeland who would be willing to provide you with lodging for a few nights. I am sure you make an excellant lodger. Just be careful in the shower.

By the way, how old is this woman? Beastie boys stuff may not be her thing. I do not think that she will be as into pop culture as Marc thinks, since she is really into that communal jewish leadership thing. give her time, and she will join Hadassa. Perhaps merely your knowledge of Debbie Friedman music will put you in good stead, boosted with a few yiddish standards like "Meine Shtetele Beltz".

And be careful what you post on this web site! She may well be reading it!

Goddess writes: Take the bus to SF like Chaim advises, Luke. Women are ALWAYS impressed by guys who take the bus. And hell, when you're on a date, take HER on the bus with you!! It's a sure fire way to win the heart of your woman:)

Luke: I was just checking my hits. And to my amazement, they've stayed steady, even increased on average during my July travels.

Chaim says: PORN IS BORING, especially when one is writing about it. What your site has always had that the others do not is the human interest angle, the story of a shlub even more pathetic than the average porn customer as he makes his way through the minefields of life. (Now, of course that was always a well stage ruse, much like Howard Stern's proclamation of shlubness over the years until news of his great wealth became generally known. the truth is that you do not live in that hovel, you do not drive that van. If it were generally known that you live off of a trust fund, have a nice condo, drive a used lexus, and have more than enough scratch to travel to exotic lands in style, you would not be as popular. So keep quiet about this.)

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    Luke on the Golan Heights

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    Luke on the Golan Heights with his LA trip mates

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    Luke at the Western Wall

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    Luke on top of Masada

    Luke parties

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    Luke up a tree

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    Luke at an excavation

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    Luke on Ben Yehuda Street in Jerusalem on a Saturday night

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    On top of Masada

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    Luke at the Dead Sea

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    Luke on the Golan Heights

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    Golan Heights

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    Golan Heights

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    Golan Heights

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    Golan Heights

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    Golan Heights

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    Golan Heights

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    Golan Heights

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    Luke in Jerusalem

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    Golan Heights

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    Luke on Masada

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    Luke parties

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    Luke at the Western Wall in Jerusalem

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    Tel Aviv

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    Tel Aviv

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    Luke on Masada

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    Luke up a tree

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    Luke talks with a rabbi in Safed

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    Luke plants a tree outside Jerusalem

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    Luke at an excavation

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    Luke up a tree

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    Luke up a tree

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    Luke on a bike

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    Luke rafting down the Jordan River

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    Luke rafting down the Jordan River

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    Luke rafting down the Jordan River

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    Golan Heights

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    Luke up a tree in Jaffa, Tel Aviv in background

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    Luke catches a pass

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    Luke in Safed

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    Luke on top of Masada

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    Luke parties

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    Luke up a tree in Jaffa, Tel Aviv in background

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    Luke up a tree, with our guide

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    Luke up a tree

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    Luke up a tree

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    Golan Heights

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    Luke in Jerusalem

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To The Glory Of God

To The Glory Of God.

There. That's a good way to begin.

He sat at the keyboard and reminded himself of his values. Reminded himself of the themes that his life was supposedly dedicated to - God, Torah, Israel, Justice, Truth.

The way to serve the Holy God was with Truth. Let me write in truth.

No more satire and irony and double entendre. Let me sit here and write to my readers in truth. Words that come from the heart are heard in the heart.

He couldn't go back to his slovenly ways now that he davened (prayed) at shul twice a day. There's something about tying yourself every morning in the leather straps of t'fillin, containing holy texts of Torah, that changes how you lead your day. Follow it up with a page of Talmud study (Daf Yomi) and your life changes. Now he had to reject most of his emails as lacking in taste and not worthy of publishing.

He paused and could think of nothing to write. He had no enthusiasm for phoning porners for interviews. Why should he when he got paid late every month?

The sun broke through the clouds of an overcast August day in Los Angeles. He took his green beach towel, blue pillow and blue T-shirt and lay outside. He placed his T-shirt over the pillow so it wouldn't get stained with his sweat.

He lay on his back with his arms beside him, palms up. As he breathed out, he thought "Beginning heals." As he slipped into a meditative trance, his mantra became simply his breathing. In. Out. In. Out.

By Luke Ford Chapter Two  Chapter Three  Chapter Four Chapter Five  Chapter Six   Chapter Seven  Chapter Seven B  Chapter Eight   Chapter Nine  Chapter Ten  Chapter Eleven  Chapter Twelve 1994-1997 1997  1998 1998B 1999 2000 2001 2009